Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet in 'Revolutionary Road'

Hey friends. Welcome to the first “Theater Releases” post of 2009. I would have done one last week, except — well — there were no releases last week. None at all. Go fig.

I may as well admit my dark secret at this point: If anyone hadn’t figured it out yet, I really hate Oscars season. It’s that terrible time of year when theaters get clogged with derivative-but-pretentious period dramas that beg shamelessly for your acclaim. Frankly, it makes me gag…and every year I look forward to mid-February for some relief. But the point is this: I’d much rather sit through a bad movie that knows it’s bad than a bad movie that thinks it’s a masterpiece (namely, The Reader). That’s why The Unborn tops my list here, and why Bride Wars isn’t at the bottom (actually, it almost made it to second place, but I decided to give Leo and Kate the benefit of the doubt). Obviously, if you’re one of the three people in the world who still take the Oscars seriously, you have permission to reverse my ranking here.

The Unborn

Goes Something Like This: Odette Yustman is haunted by the ghost of a ten-year-old boy that she believes to be her twin, who died in utero. (Seems like he should be the same age as her…or possibly a fetus…but then again, what do I know?)

But It Would Have Been More Interesting If: They had worked abortion into the plot, in a cynical attempt to use political controversy to bolster box office performance.

Recommended if you liked Dark Water, The Ring, or pretty much any other horror movie that centered on a creepy kid.

Revolutionary Road

Goes Something Like This: Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet are a couple on the Titani…er, I mean, in 1950’s-era suburbia, who are dissatisfied with their careers, their suburb, and their relationship.

But It Would Have Been More Interesting If: Hollywood had made a movie about a suburban couple in the 1950’s who found their situation pleasant and fulfilling. Now that would have been a groundbreaking film.

Recommended if you feel that 1950’s culture hasn’t been treated as an artistic whipping-boy quite enough.

Bride Wars

Goes Something Like This: Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway are BFF, until they schedule their respective weddings at their mutual dream venue on the same day. Then the claws come out. Hilarity ensues. (Or not.)

But It Would Have Been More Interesting If: They compromised by each dumping their fiancés and having a big lesbian wedding extravaganza.

Recommended if you’re female (or if you’re like me and have a seriously embarrassing girly streak)

The Reader

Goes Something Like This: Kate Winslet stars in even more Oscar-bait, this time as the MILF who seduces the young, naive David Kross, just before the obligatory Second World War begins.

But It Would Have Been More Interesting If: Anything at all interesting had happened in the whole movie. Trust me on this one.

Recommended if you’re an awards season completist