Here at MovieZeal we recognize the entertainment value of the Top Ten list, even as the film aficionados within us recoil at the sell-out mentality it takes to write one. Can the glory of film ever be reduced to a simple Top 10? In this case, yes, yes it can. Welcome to the inaugural MovieZeal Top Ten list. Peruse, make suggestions in the comments, tell us where we’re wrong, and bask in the wonder that is irresistibly craptacular film. We’ve included YouTube clips when possible, for your own personal edification.

10. Jingle All the Way
Okay. We admit it. The only actor worse than Arnold Schwarzenegger is probably Jake Lloyd, and this film has both of them. And yeah, the pacing’s all off, and the ending is just ridiculous and kind of stupid. But this film has something no other Christmas movie does: honesty. Isn’t everyone sick of Christmas movies like Elf and Dr. Seuss’s How the Grinch Stole Christmas that pretend to be all about family values and anti-consumerism, but really just exist to take away the paychecks of gullible, suburban parents? At least this one admits it: Christmas is a big, commercial sham, and you, the audience, just fell for it. Again.

9. Anastasia
“Lonely Russian girl discovers she’s a princess.” This really isn’t the sort of thing we’re supposed to like as twentysomething males, but we just can’t help ourselves. What can we say, though? In an era when everyone in L.A. was rushing to rip off Disney, Don Bluth managed to craft a work that was similar enough to be a commercial success, but offbeat enough to be distinctive (we don’t know about you, but we don’t think Disney will ever use a rotting corpse as a villain in one of their animated opuses—and no, the Horned King does not count). And when you combine the beautiful (if somewhat motley) animation with David Newman’s fantastic score, this one becomes a sight to behold. Unless, of course, you know anything about Russian history.

8. Escape From L.A.
Let’s get one thing out of the way to begin with: Escape from L.A. is a perfect movie. Oh, I’m sure you thought The Godfather was, or perhaps Schindler’s List, or maybe even Casablanca. But no, these movies all lack something. It’s that something that validates ones own existence, a something that changes lives. In fact, it’s something that no other movie can ever hope to beat: Kurt Russell surfing a tidal wave through Los Angeles. In fact, if there’s any reason not to like this film, it’s because it is simply TOO awesome. How are we supposed to handle Bruce Campbell as the Surgeon
General of Beverly Hills? We are but mere men, and John Carpenter has come to us, our very own Prometheus to help light our way in these dark times. And to think – it was a SEQUEL!

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  See Snake get surfboard, see Snake ride tidal wave, see Snake beat Steve Buscemi up!

7. You’ve Got Mail
In the world of romantic comedies, there are many mephitic monstrosities to make film aficionados squirm. As pretentious as we like to seem (we did just use the word mephitic), there are still a few that have the ability to make us forgive wrongs and come to love the human race all over again. One such film is Nora Ephron’s 1998 cyber-love festival of emotion, You’ve Got Mail. It’s longer than any romantic comedy should be (a full two hours!), is not aging well at all, and features some of the most sappy, snappy, “quirky” dialogue you’re likely to find. We don’t know what it is that makes us like it: the bouncy music score, the wry wit, the glowing charm of the over-written characters? We’ll never know. We try not to think about it, but whenever we need a pick-me-up, You’ve Got Mail is always an “enchanting” alternative to depression and hostility.

6. Kung-Pow!: Enter the Fist
It’s true: this one is pretty much a third-rate rip-off of What’s Up, Tiger Lily? and Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid, but if you can think like a 13-year-old boy, it has a serious irresistible charm. Steve Oedekerk, the genius who brought us Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls and a whole series of “thumb” parodies (Thumb Wars, Thumbtanic, etc.), decided his true calling in life was to take an old Hong Kong martial arts picture, splice himself in, and redub it with all new dialogue (doing all the voices himself, of course). The end result: a pastiche of obvious slapstick jokes, bad computer animation, and all-around weirdness. If he was French, he would have been hailed as a Dadaist genius; since he’s American, the critics were ruthless.

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  Like watching a car wreck – you just can’t take your eyes off of it.

5. Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever
Following in the grand tradition of films with titles containing both colons and ‘versus’ abbreviations, Ballistic will make you truly believe that people who’ve undergone frontal lobotomies can make movies too, just like normal human beings. The leaps of logic Ballistic makes as it gaily skips from incoherent scene to even more incoherent scene are a wonder to behold, and for some reason fill us with a warm, fuzzy, blissful feeling. Ah, Antonio and Lucy, only you two could bring depth and pathos to lines like these:

ECKS: Where did you get all this ordinance?
SEVER: Some women buy shoes.

The icing on an already scrumptious cake comes when you realize the director’s name is Kaos. We are but putty in the hands of an auteur clever enough to replace ‘Ch’ with a ‘K.’

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  Lucy Liu, aka Sever, beats up a bunch of SWAT guys with what appear to be windshield wiper blades.

4. Extreme Days
Practically unwatchable as cinema, but seriously compelling as a study in Why Christians Should Never Be Given Movie Cameras, this is one train wreck you won’t be able to look away from. First-time writer/director Eric Hannah has spliced together footage of teens going on a road trip, lighting their farts on fire, and learning to trust Jesus together with badly filmed and tedious footage of TOTALLY X-TREME sports stunts performed by body doubles who look nothing like the actors. The soundtrack album, which features Christian radio staples like tobyMac, Skillet, and Fold Zandura, actually achieved much greater notoriety than the film itself.

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  This clip melted our eyeballs out of our heads with it’s awesomeness.

3. Super Mario Brothers
First, Disney acquired the film rights to the cutest, most family-friendly videogame of all time. Then they handed the project over to co-directors Annabel Jankel and Rocky Morton, whose only previous credit was mediocre sex thriller D.O.A. The end result is a post-apocalyptic sci-fi thriller that has nothing at all to do with the game, aside from some characters that have the same names. Fifteen years later, we’re still wondering exactly who this movie was made for, but we personally just can’t stop watching the thing. Why? Most of its undeniable appeal comes from the smirking performances delivered by the actors—it’s clear Bob Hoskins is having quite a bit of fun here—and some endlessly quotable lines (“Was she corpulent?” “Nah, she was round. Real round.”). In any case, it’s definitely reassuring when the name “Uwe Boll” doesn’t show up in the credits.

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  Some guy with way too much time on his hands actually uploaded the entire movie to YouTube. This is only part 8 or 9 out of 10. Its a testament to this movie’s badness that nobody has asked for the clips to be removed yet.

2. British Adaptations of Jane Austen Novels
Not a film by itself, per se, but the British adaptations of her stories (Keira Knightly, we spurn you – you’ll never be Elizabeth Bennett in our hearts) blend together after a while into a hazy kaleidoscope of cinematic happiness. The realization came when we were watching Northanger Abbey, that even though the story was derivative, and even though it was pathetically predictable, and even though there were no less than 42 separate dances (dancing is crack cocaine to these people), we gobbled up every bit of it and then said, “More please.” There is a charm to the British versions that beats you over the head until you willingly submit to it’s siren call. Embarrassing to admit, but Jane Austen, we heart you.

1. High School Musical
We confess. We’ll gladly join the ranks upon ranks of 11-year-old girls out there and admit that we love High School Musical. We know it wasn’t made with us mind; we know that life and high school are nothing—absolutely nothing—like the way this picture portrays them; but we just don’t care. The songs are bouncy and fun, the actors sizzle with energy, and there’s a happy ending. What more could anyone want in a movie? We just can’t turn down a film that’s so determined to entertain, even if it is made for someone half our age. Say it with us, arthouse buffs: “Ubiquitous does not equal bad.” Now doesn’t that feel better?

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  20 million plus views on YouTube (and this is only one of the songs) can’t be wrong, can it?

Luke Harrington, Evan Derrick, Phillip Johnston, and Ghost Lyon all contributed to this list