Why would you tell anyone to watch Diary of the Dead. I was barely able to sit through it.

http://moviesetal.blogspot.com/2008/02/review-diary-of-dead.html

Land of the Dead – now that’s a keeper. I was thinking it might be a remake of the Searchers, but someone told me it was a remake of Metropolis. I haven’t seen Metropolis yet: is it?

Diary of the Dead though…ugh.

I, on average, watch 6 movies a week. I also read 3 books in that time as well as ingest a lot of cereal and sleep about 5 hours a day. Sometimes it’s more but I can say that next to Jesus Christ, Netflix is the best thing that has yet come into my life. What a boon. And such titles! Some of which I have searched years for. So when I say “I know movies”, it’s no exaggeration. I know the difference between what film is the best and what my favorite is. I had a passion for two years to appear on “Beat the Geeks” in order to reduce that sneering Movie Geek guy to a puddle of tears. I’ve also been reduced to tears over the beatings I have taken and proudly bear my scars.

The way I see it, the problem with films today is not so much the films, it is the critics. I have always loved films and have spent happy hours watching “reality” while being blissfully unaware that I was being entertained by a bad film. I was (still am) like Depp’s portrayal of Ed Wood. Things in Wood’s film weren’t perfect but they made sense in real life. I still bump into the door frame and make the whole house shake. The only UFOs I ever expect to see will be tied to a string. Lugosi was really a star in every sense of the word. My dentist can act, boy.

Movies are imperfect. There is something to criticize in all of them and each has a bad segment. But they are movies, the greatest form of entertainment ever devised by mankind. There is no greater pleasure known to man, although I have heard that science states that we will someday be able to have sex with any person we want via a special channel on our TV and that, my friends, would be the end of society, ‘cause the day an unemployed sewer worker can sit in his Laz-ee-boy with a beer in one hand and the channel remote in the other and copulate with a young Ann-Margaret for $19.95 a month, it’s gonna make crack look like Sanka.

Movies are a joy; many are treasured from early youth. I still remember when I fell in love with Dorothy Gale. I loved her passionately, even though I knew it would never work out because of the inbred loonies she lived with on her farm in Kansas. I was never in love with Judy Garland. She wore eye liner that was the natural study for every member of Kiss and smoked. But I would have gladly run to St Louis to meet her, even at that age. I have fallen love with many stars in their roles and still have a huge crush on Ingrid Bergman to this day.

No one should be able to besmirch that in anyone’s mind at any age. I sat through films in the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s. Try to pick out which had worse films and you’ll end up in a dogfight with werewolves. I am talking stinkers, like “Frankenstein Meets the Space Monster”, “Night of the Lepus” and “Prophecy”, each of these 90 minutes of time I wished I had wasted on a better movie. But, I’ve seen each of these TWICE and relished them. And I want more, because I enjoy movies. And I enjoyed “The Ruins” as well.
It took me back to those old days of Drive-ins and Pick/Pic bug repellent. Days of watching two episodes of “The Man from U.N.C.L.E.” that were strung together and sold as a feature film. The “Batman” film where they introduced a third Catwoman which birthed my ability to focus on a character rather than who was in the role.

Then, when I was about 12, an influx of critics arose. Starting with Rex Reed and Pauline Kael, I was introduced to the movie critic. Whereas before I had only read reviews like “Smash Opening in Cedar Rapids”, I was exposed to vitriolic battery acid from people that wanted their movies to be perfect. These guys began to kill independent film as their stranglehold on Hollywood took on the proportions of a six armed octopus attacking the Golden Gate Bridge. They smothered the low budget film maker’s products like cement gravy on a chicken fried steak. They want to tell you what is wrong with a movie as they see it.

Why should we care about their opinions? Do they really think they are doing me a favor by stopping me from wasting the price of a ticket or rental? Is their taste in the films the same as mine? Does it really matter to them that “The Invasion” is the fourth redo of an original film, because that is why I watched it. I didn’t expect any Oscar-worthy performances. Just the opposite, which is what I got. And while I don’t agree with critics, I do agree the movie had a basic flaw, which was that it was made. But I had no urge to write any critic that panned this film and praise them for being right or to thank them for restoring balance to the universe.

Take this further: How many critics have the respect that they think their words deserve? We have a guy that writes for the Orlando Sentinel that is such a muton, I read his column and go see the movies he pans! He thinks he’s Exeter; I refer to him as the Metaluna Mutant. While we can name critics, do we know their credentials or pedigrees? How did they get hired? What film genre is their favorite? Why would I listen to someone I don’t know anything about other than the sound bytes they record for the local news blurbs? I don’t. I see the movies I want and so should you.

I liked “The Ruins”. I liked the premise of playing King-of-the-Hill with Audrey II. I laughed at the ridiculous plot holes that popped up like Rocky and Bullwinkle after they went through the organic wormhole. I loved the fact that even though the plants were munching on old Matthias like he was an In-n-Out burger, they left him tied up and never moved him away from danger. Cripes, they had a chorus of singing plants and spells out Broadway in a dancing Magnolia blossom corsage. It’s fun and it harkens back to a simpler time of snow cones and Hershel Gordon Lewis.

So rise up! Trounce the critics into silence and take back what is yours. Watch what you want and live with the consequences. See the film that appeals to you and not what they think is best And, tell the guys at the movie counter “No! I don’t want it. I don’t want that much organization in my life. I don’t want 12 extra ounces of watered down cherry Coke for an extra twenty-five cents. I want Junior Mints, fool!”

A rule of thumb: gore suggests the filmmakers lack faith in their movie’s substance; nudity proves it.

In other words, I’m not saying that the nude sequence detracts from the film, so much as it merely provides evidence of the movie’s overall badness. Simply put, if Stiller et. al. had simply made a good film, they wouldn’t have had to strip Ramsey naked to sell tickets.

I could probably name a number of films where a nude scene is intrinsic to the film’s artistic integrity, but this was a scene that was completetly gratuitous — essentially the producers all saying to the audience, “Okay, we know what you all came to see!” So at least it was honest, but that doesn’t make the movie any better.

As for horror movies that excel at character development, I’m going to direct you to a couple of films titled Rosemary’s Baby and The Exorcist. Oh, and as for Mullholland Drive…I still haven’t gotten around to seeing that one. (Yeah, yeah, I know…I suck as a film buff.)

When you go to see a movie like this, you have to expect cheese, just like you expect a movie like Alien vs. Predator to be a shit festival.

We all know the character development is going to suck (have there ever been horror movies that excelled at this?), the women are going to be hot, and the guys are going to be douchebags.

And cheesy movie or not, I don’t think you were actually keeping a straight face while pretending a nude Laura Ramsey detracts from the cinematic experience. When Naomi Watts fingers herself and has multiple lesbian scenes in Mullholland Drive, it’s somehow artistic, but when a hot girl in a horror movie shows her breasts it’s an affront to viewers? If this was a message board I’d give ya 10/10 for trolling, Luke!

I really enjoyed The Descent as well — it’s one of those movies I stayed up late to watch by myself, in the dark, thoroughly giving myself the heebies.

Didn’t I read The Descent’s “alternate” ending on the DVD was the real ending for the UK? That one was *much* better.

I agree with your star rating, but I would probably go a little easier on it since I think Jena Malone is cute. In fact, I maybe could give it a passable-as-an-okay-b-movie nudge up to 2 1/2 stars.

P.S. I second your endorsement on *Diary of the Dead*. Can’t wait to watch that again.

I too had to find cheap pleasures to keep my interest up. Besides the lovely looking Laura Ramsay, I found the Doogie Howser via Jonathan Tucker storyline humorous. Sure, he was in med school, but he was rockin’ it like he was the professor on Gilligan’s Island.

How does it compare to The Descent, which I considered one of the top 10 best horror films of the last decade?