Okay, so I missed the DVD releases post. Ran out of time. Sorry. I guarantee you, though, that there was nothing you care about. On the theatrical front, however, you have some very good choices this week. Intrigued? Me too. You’ll find them below, as always, ranked by how much I care…

Ponyo
This is the latest one from noted anime auteur Hayao Miyazaki, the man behind Princess Mononoke, Castle in the Sky, and the totally-Oscar-winning Spirted Away. This one’s about a fish that wants to be a human, and…um…yeah. Okay, don’t look at me that way. His movies are always a little (or a lot) “out there,” but they’re also always incredible. You want original, imaginative movies? Here you go. Everyone else can go see G.I. Joe, I guess.

See it if you liked Pinnochio, Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind, or The Little Mermaid

The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard
A madcap comedy about an overzealous used car salesman. What else can I say about this movie? Well…t’s from those guys who brought you those Will Ferrell movies that are exactly like all those other Will Ferrell movies. Also, it doesn’t have Will Ferrell in it. Also, it doesn’t have anyone particularly famous in it. Also, the trailer makes it look way funnier than it deserves to be. Also, I’ll probably go. Also, I’ll probably hate myself for going. The end.

See it if you like Will Ferrell movies but think they just have too much Will Ferrell in them.

District 9
Director Neil Blomkamp (3,000 Miles to Graceland) and producer Peter Jackson (a little trilogy called The Lord of the Rings) bring you a different kind of alien movie. This time, the aliens aren’t invaders; they’re refugees. I saw an advance screening of this one, and I loved it, but it’s definitely not for everyone. It’s brutal, depressing, and deadly serious. It’s also probably one of the most important films to come out this year. See it if you want to think a little bit…but don’t expect the usual popcorn fun.

See it if you think Will Smith is a jerk for punching that alien in the face in Independence Day.

Bandslam
Okay, now we’re getting into the stuff that’s more likely to be crap. This one combines a couple of guilty pleasures of mine: the production company Walden Media (City of Ember FTW!) and one of the stars from High School Musical (Vanessa Hudgens, for anyone who actually cares), but the idea of a rock-band-themed tweenybopper movie still kind of makes my skin crawl. And I know that if my skin is crawling, most of you are probably running screaming from the room.

See it if you liked Josie and the Pussycats or Camp Rock

The Time Traveler’s Wife
Okay, I have no idea about this one. It could be a great film, for all I know (it’s not). But, really? A guy who’s doomed forever to spontaneously travel through time finds love anyway? Didn’t that already happen when the guy from Quantum Leap accidentally got zapped into the Lifetime Network, or something? Also, look at that poster. Is the guy who designed it colorblind?

…Sorry, it’s Friday afternoon and I’m cranky. I’m sure this is a very lovely film. You go, Eric Bana!

See it if you liked Amy Tan’s novel The Kitchen God’s Wife, but thought, “Gee, this needs less Julia Child and more H.G. Wells.”

The last of the big summer movies has arrived. The Joes are here and waiting to blow stuff up and I’m all for it. G.I. Joe is one of those movies that doesn’t ask much of you. It presents you with over-the-top mad scientist villains, butt-kicking babes in skin-tight outfits, ninjas, enough cool hardware to make Inspector Gadget blush, explosions…and Marlon Wayans.
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A personal note about myself: I spent a year and a half of my life as a full vegetarian. I don’t like talking about it, for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that every time I mentioned it, someone would immediately demand to know “Why!?” Everyone had different reasons for asking: sometimes they were genuinely curious and wanted to get to know me better; sometimes they were eighth-generation beef-farming Republicans who felt the need to refute every opinion I had; sometimes they were crazy hippies eagerly hoping that I would join whatever flavor-of-the-month protest they were planning. But regardless, it was a question I quickly tired of answering. I shouldn’t have to justify my personal choices to everyone I meet on the street.
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Well kids, G.I. Joe this week. It’s directed by Stephen Sommers (y’know, the auteur behind Van Helsing), and Paramount has decided not to screen it in advance for critics (pretty much a tacit admission that it sucks), but it’ll still make millions and millions of dollars. Still, I have to recommend either of the other two films on this list. As always, though, the choice is yours…

Julie & Julia
Allegedly the first movie ever based on a blog, this one follows the adventures of blogger Julie Powell as she attempts to cook all 524 recipes from Julia Child’s book Mastering the Art of French Cooking in a year. Reasons I care: (1) It’s written and directed by Nora Ephron, creator of You’ve Got Mail, Sleepless in Seattle and When Harry Met Sally. (2) Julia Child pretty much taught me how to cook. Well, her books did. That woman is amazing.

See it if you liked No Reservations or Ratatouille

A Perfect Getaway
Hmmm…bunch of young, attractive people get lost in the wilderness and are stalked by something that wants them dead. Clever premise…I wish I’d thought of it.

See it if you liked The Ruins or Pitch Black

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Fun fact: prior to the extensive deregulation of television under the Reagan administration, children’s shows with toy tie-ins were banned. Why? Because kids are unable to understand things like the nature of money and the persuasive intention of commercials. In other words, creating a cartoon just to convince them to buy a toy is basically a poor man’s form of mind control. Anyway, Gen-X (and early Gen-Y)  grew up with the first round of toy-selling cartoons — and now look at them. Not only did they buy all kinds of plastic crap they didn’t need in the 1980’s; they’re still spending money to see embarrassing garbage like this and Michael Bay’s Transformers series, just because they’re tied into cartoons they used to like! Congratulations, evil corporations, you win!

See it if your favorite genre of movies is OMG GUYS SHOOTING EACH OTHER AND BLOWING STUFF UP11111

(Originally posted at Cinexcellence)

The Way We Get By is a fantastic documentary by writer/director Aron Gaudet. It is about three older people and what they’ve gone through in the last five years as the self-appointed welcoming committee for American troops as they return to native soil. The film is predominately set in the Bangor Airport in Bangor, Maine, and the homes of the welcomers.

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So, I was talking to a friend, and he goes, “Have you seen the trailer for the new Tron movie?”

And I was all like, “What?”

And he was all like, “Huh?”

But yeah…he wasn’t making stuff up. Twenty-seven years after the first Tron film — the one that introduced the entire Pac-Man Generation to heavy-handed Christian allegory — we’re getting a sequel. Honestly, I’m not sure how to feel. The original Tron – while it certainly had its detractors — was a tour de force of visual pizzazz. It was light on story and heavy on flash; in other words, it was perfect for what it was. How could you possibly improve on it or build on it in any meaningful way?

It was also light on CGI. And yes, I admit that that stuff has its place, but it’s become something of a crutch to Hollywood in the last decade or so (dull storyline? add some CGI robot fights!). And I’m sorry to say that this particular trailer is filled with mediocre computer graphics. Maybe they’ll look better on the big screen; and they’ll certainly be more impressive in IMAX 3-D (!!!)…but really, when it’s no challenge whatsoever to make your movie look like it’s taking place inside a computer, what’s the point?

Then again, Tron was pretty much the awesomest thing ever, and I definitely won’t miss the sequel. Hmmm…I’m torn. Watch the video and tell me what you think.

HD goodness available here!

It’s President Obama’s brithday (seriously), and the DVD-publishing community has decided to celebrate with these fine offerings…*

*Offerings may or may not be fine. Details subject to change.

August
Well, I hope it’s better than August Rush.  Other than that, I really know nothing about it except that it’s about a couple of dot-com entrepreneurs struggling to survive directly after the September 11th attacks. The reviews weren’t great, but the subject matter is intriguing to me, and it’s certainly relevant (and is arguably getting more relevant every day).

See it if you’re into things that may or may not be relevant.

Mutant Chronicles
Hmmm…a movie based on a fantasy role-playing game? How could I refuse, after Dungeons and Dragons?! Okay, let me be honest: there’s nothing remotely interesting to me coming out this week, but a godawful adventure through an alien-infested steampunk world sounds more tolerable than most of this other stuff.

See it if you spend all your time polishing your +3 two-handed broadsword.

Labor Pains
Wow, Ms. Lohan, how you have fallen. I don’t think anyone dug Mean Girls more than I did, and you were probably one of the better things about it. If you had kept hanging around Tina Fey, you could have been relevant — but you had to go and get your degree from the Paris Hilton School of How to Be a Celebrity (And Do Other Stuff Idiotically Too). Now look at you. Made-for-ABC-Family-Channel movies about lying to your boss about being pregnant? Lindsey, even you could do better than this.

See it if you liked Baby Mama or Miss Conception
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How’s everybody’s summer going? Mine is flying by…seems like just yesterday, I was lining up for Star Trek (which, so far, has been pretty much the only blockbuster worth getting at all excited about, am I right?). Anyway, this week you have a couple of bad choices and one pretty good one. Choose wisely, grasshopper.

Funny People
Director/Producer Who Makes the Same Movie Over and Over Again, meet Actor/Producer Who Makes the Same Movie Over and Over Again. Okay, no one has a bigger love/hate relationship with Judd Apatow and Adam Sandler than myself. Most of the time they annoy me, but occasionally they make something incredible (Freaks and Geeks and Punch Drunk Love being good examples). Anyway, the trailers for this look pretty funny, and it’s just possible that working together may be the change-up they each need to make something new and awesome. Besides, who doesn’t want to see Adam Sandler on screen with Seth Rogen? Wow, a lot of hands went up. Um…my mistake.

See it if you don’t have time to watch both Funny Girl and Ordinary People

Aliens in the Attic
Of course, this one is the sort of “family” film that makes most people’s skin crawl: B-list cast + hackneyed premise that’s completely explained in the title (see also: Hotel for Dogs, The Indian in the Cupboard). I had more-or-less no desire to see it, but then I noticed it has Ashley Tisdale in it. Say what you will, but she was always one of the best things about the High School Musical franchise. So, if nothing else, there’s that.

See it if you just can’t wait for Spielberg to reboot the  E.T. and Gremlins franchises

The Collector
I assume The Collector is like The Bone Collector, except a little less picky about what he collects? Okay, I know nothing about this movie…let me look it up on ye olde Wikipedia…wait, what? Seriously, this is straight from the article: “the script was originally intended to be a Saw prequel, but the producers did not want to do a prequel.” Okay, now I’m really confused — someone didn’t want to make another Saw movie? Sorry, you lost me. I just…um…I have no idea what to think about that. I’m done.

See it if you just can’t get enough Saw movies that aren’t actually Saw movies (see also: Hostel)

Sacha Baron Cohen. The Man, the myth, the legend. I seriously hold this man in very high and low regard for the things he’s done and has yet to do to cinema. In his new movie Bruno, he’s a homosexual German fashion designer trying to get a new start…let’s see how that goes…
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Well guys, another week, another crop of DVDs. As always, the ones I’m most interested in are on top…

The Union: The Business Behind Getting High
From what I hear, this Canadian doc takes a long, hard look at the entire industry set up around the illegal sale of marijuana, and then discusses the overall effects of its prohibition. Its only theatrical release was at film festivals, but it won the usual awards, and I’m definitely intrigued to learn more about the much-maligned cannabis plant. The recent spate of mafia wars in Mexico should have (I hope) reminded us that the criminalization of the drug affects us all — not just the potheads out there.

See it if you liked The Corporation, Super High Me or probably any Cheech and Chong movie

An American Affair
Okay, this one got terrible reviews, but I’m still intrigued. Apparently, it’s a drama about JFK and his various — *ahem* — exploits. Gretchen Mol is rumored to give a pretty good performance in this one, and there’s intrigue, sex and mystery, and — what can I say? — it’s set in the 60’s, and I’m a sucker for that era. Sign me up.

See it if you liked The American President or JFK

Acolytes
I hadn’t heard of this one at all before researching this post, and the title is so generic that I’m not even sure if I have the right poster to the left there. Whatever. It’s an Australian horror flick about some kids who run afoul of a serial killer. I know, original, right? But it’s sitting at an 83% at Rotten Tomatoes…which is nothing to sneeze at, for a horror film.

See it if you like either (1) Australians or (2) serial killers
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It’s not difficult to imagine that if Moon had been a Hollywood production, it would have been a very, very different film. It’s “science fiction” in the traditional sense — i.e., it’s fiction about science. You won’t see any giant robots, any cities getting leveled, or even any CGI to speak of. What you will see is a haunting meditation on identity, technology, overpopulation, mankind, and the economic engine that drives all of us — and its devastating consequences to the individual.
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It’s testament to the power of a film when the week it comes out, nothing else does — and then, the following week, nothing worth seeing does. Harry Potter #6 clearly is a powerful film. Can anyone think of another franchise that lasted for six films and could still bring in blockbuster-sized crowds? (Hint: not Police Academy.) Anyway, this week, the studios are obviously schluffing off the movies that no one wants to see, in hopes that either (a) no one will notice, or (b) people will come to the theater to see Harry Potter, see that it’s sold out, and settle for one of these.

But if you’re determined to take in a new film this week, here are your choices…

The Ugly Truth
Yet another generic romantic comedy about a career-obsessed woman who needs a man? Ugh, how little enthusiasm can I come up with for this one? The fact that it makes my top spot tells you something about your other choices, I guess. Whatever.

See it if you liked How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days or What Happens in Vegas

Orphan
Yet another generic horror flick about a creepy kid that’s deeply offensive to the people trying to make the world a better place by promoting adoption? Once again, ugh. At least the poster’s kind of creepy without seeming overly cliche. Then again, if they’re consciously trying to ride the coattails of Guillermo del Toro’s The Orphanage with that title…bleh.

See it if you can’t wait for the next remake of The Omen

G-force
Yet another family comedy with talking CGI animals and would-have-been-hip-six-months-ago dialogue? Say it with me now: Ugh. At least Jerry Bruckheimer and Disney are still getting along…mainly for the same reason that Bill Gates and Warren Buffett get along, if you follow me. You all know I’m not a Harry Potter fan, so listen carefully: If your kids beg to go to a movie this weekend, take them to Potter. Please.

See it if you liked Cats and Dogs or Spy Kids

Originally posted at Cinexcellence.

Watchmen, Zack Snyder’s adaptation of the much-loved graphic novel of the same name, was released theatrically on Friday. Having not read the graphic novel, all I knew about the film going in was what I saw in the previews.

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Originally posted at Cinexcellence.

Starting with teachers at a high school in Paris introducing themselves before the school year begins, director Laurent Cantet sets the mood and setting for the rest of the film. The Class rarely steps outside of the building, showing us what happens within the confines of the classroom.
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Gotta tell you guys…I’m probably not the sort who should be editing a movie blog. If I can’t rant about what I think of a movie on the Internet, I kind of stop caring about it. And since most of these movies came out while MZ was dormant, I really didn’t bother reading up on them, or even seeing them. In other words, I know nothing about most of these, and I’m not about to lift a finger to learn about them, since I can’t imagine Adventureland is worth thorough research. But I’ve decided to make proverbial lemonade: It’s MAD LIB WEEK here at MovieZeal!

Remember Mad Libs? The best fill-in-the-blank word game ever!? Well, I combed the Internet and found a suitable one. I’ll be changing it ever-so-slightly to make it fit all of the following new releases:

The [ADJECTIVE] [NAME] and the always [ADJ.] [NAME] reunite after [NUMBER] years. This time, the [ADJ.]  [PLURAL NOUN] are [GERUND] the [PLURAL NOUN], a [NOUN] that leads them on a [ADJ.] chase from [PLACE] to [PLACE]. A [NOUN] for the whole [NOUN]!

Ready? Go!

Coraline –
The UBIQUITOUS DAKOTA FANNING and the always OMG SO GOTHZ HENRY SELICK reunite after INFINITY? years. This time, the CREEPY CLAY MODELS are ROCKING the 3-D, a TREND that leads them on a KID-FRIENDLY chase from REALITY to THE NIGHTMARE REALM. A FRIGHTFEST for the whole FAMILY!

See it if you’re at all interested in animation, children’s literature, or kiddie horror

The Soloist –
The NO-LONGER DRUG-ADDLED ROBERT DOWNEY, JR. and the always VERSATILE, IN A GOOD WAY JAMIE FOXX reunite after A MILLION? years. This time the DUO are PLAYING the BEETHOVEN, an ARTISTIC ENDEAVOR that leads them on an OH-SO-DRAMATIC chase from THE STREETS OF NYC to CARNEGIE. A DRAMA for the whole DOWNEY-LOVING CROWD!

See it if you’re not sick of seeing Jamie Foxx play music or Robert Downey, Jr. be awesome

The Class -
The FRENCH LAURENT CANTET and the always FRENCH FRANCOIS BEGAUDEAU reunite after GOD ONLY KNOWS years. This time the FRENCH DUDES are ADAPTING the NOVEL, a TRIED-AND-TRUE FORMULA that leads them on an ARTHOUSE-Y chase from SOME CLASSROOM to THEIR INNER PSYCHES. A PIECE OF CINEMA VERITE for the whole TURTLENECK-WEARING SET!

See it if your tastes tend to align with those of the critical establishment.
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Kiddie horror films are a comparative rarity. In practice, this makes pretty good sense: after all, the MPAA has gotten pretty stingy with those all-important G and PG ratings in the last couple of decades, and more often than not, the sort of terror (and often straight-up violence) that the genre demands is enough to get a movie slapped with a PG-13, at the very least. In theory, though, it’s a little absurd: every other major genre is well represented in children’s and family films, and one would think that kids need to learn to deal with their fear at least as much as adults do. Most parents wouldn’t sit their three-year-olds down in front of A Nightmare on Elm Street, but it’s also hard to imagine the world of family entertainment without Cruella de Vil or the Wicked Witch of the West.
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An earlier form of this review was originally posted at Wonders in the Dark.

The first five minutes of director Mark Webb’s (500) Days of Summer, a concise and entertaining treatise on young love, are immediately transporting.  There is a narrator, there are attractive (but not fake looking) leading characters, the music is zippy, and Webb introduces his leading players as if they were walking in a narrative music video.  It’s a beautiful amalgamation that can’t help but prompt an ear-to-ear smile.   (500) Days’ narrator has booming voice with commanding presence.  The story gets even more interesting directly following this masterful introduction when he makes the audience a promise: “This is not a love story.”

So, in the spirit of the film, I’ll put an embargo on the word “love” from here on out. It’s just one of the ways this story is atypical – a boy-meets-girl story the likes of which we haven’t seen before and one that is completely necessary in order to publicly state the romantic inclinations of millions of postmodern 20-somethings.
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You can’t kill the metal. Metal will live on.

– Tenacious D

Anvil!: The Story of Anvil opens with a bit of on-screen text that’s every bit as subtle as the first few bars of Sabbath’s “Iron Man”: “In the summer of 1984, Anvil toured the world with the biggest bands in rock: Scorpions, Bon Jovi, Whitesnake. All of them went on to sell millions of records around the world. All of them, except one.”
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Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Try as I might, I just can’t understand the big deal about the Harry Potter franchise. I know I’m in the minority, but to me it was always just an uncomfortable amalgam of “epic” and “cutesy” that never really clicked — basically The Flintstones with wizards instead of cavemen. But I also know that I’m totally wrong on this, and that you’ll go see this one anyway, so godspeed you, Muggle. Also note that the release date is Wednesday, not Friday — so put on that ridiculous robe and line up for the midnight showing tonight, lest you end up looking foolish.

See it if you think J.K. Rowling deserves another hundred million. (I mean, really. Her children need caviar, after all.)