This review was originally published May 5th, 2008.

I’ll be straight with you—why fight the truth? I like romantic comedies. Yeah, I know. Yes, I am aware that I’m male. Thanks for pointing that out, though. But there’s just nothing like a good romantic comedy. They’re subversive—they fly under people’s radar. They look like fluff, so people allow them to do their thing, and then they can really make good points and even make people think, if they want.

If they want.

The problem with all that is that first they have to actually be, you know, good movies. Even the most wedding-themed plot in the world won’t save a movie if it’s badly written, badly acted, and badly directed. A bad romantic comedy is probably the most insulting thing in world—with the possible exception of a bad action movie. We’re really talking about the same phenomenon here, though: both of these genres consist primarily of Hollywood looking down its shiny new nose job at you and saying, “We know exactly what you women/men are desperate to see”—with the only difference being that it’s sweet guys or sweet explosions, respectively. The Wedding Planner and Van Helsing are equally insulting, with the only difference being the gender that’s implicitly held in contempt. Can anyone explain to me why both men and women continually allow Hollywood to treat them this way?

I’ll come back to that thought, but first I should at least mention the movie I’m supposedly reviewing here. The film is Made of Honor, but I really don’t know why I’m even bothering to mention it, since I guarantee you that you’ve seen this movie at least a dozen times before. Oh, the title might have been different, and the automatons in the lead roles might have had different names, but you’ve seen this movie before. It might have been titled My Best Friend’s Wedding, or possibly Runaway Bride, or even When Harry Met Sally, but you’ve seen it before.

Now—in all fairness, it’s common knowledge that every romantic comedy of the last two decades has shamelessly ripped off When Harry Met Sally (which itself was a rip-off of Annie Hall—but I digress), but I’ve never seen one quite as shameless about it as Made of Honor. Need proof? The film opens with its two leads, Tom (Patrick Dempsey, Grey’s Anatomy) and Hannah (Michelle Monaghan, Gone Baby Gone) meeting each other in college in the year 1998 (complete with Smash Mouth’s “Walking on the Sun” playing in the background, in case, you know, you failed to read the huge “1998” at the bottom of the screen). Tom tries to get into Hannah’s proverbial pants. She tells him to get proverbially lost. Flash forward ten years…to, you guessed it, present day. Tom and Hannah are best friends! But it’s completely platonic. Why? So Tom can continue to womanize. Then one day, Hannah reveals to Tom that she’s met someone and is getting married—and she wants Tom to be her “maid of honor” (so the title’s a pun! get it?). The rest of it plays out exactly like My Best Friend’s Wedding, with the genders reversed. Exactly like it.

So. There you have it. Do you want to see this movie? I hope not, but if you’re still considering it, please be aware that it contains nothing less than all of the following:

1. Some really tired slapstick, most of which was ripped off from the equally-awful 40 Days and 40 Nights (but at least that one had the sense to throw some fire into the mix).
2. A visual joke about penis size that goes on for no less than a full minute (Hannah’s fiancé has a bigger penis than Tom! Get it? It’s funny! Get it?).
3. Numerous unfunny jokes that are nothing short of complete misandry. E.g.:
   

   Tom: Maybe there’s more to life than just sex.
   Friend #1: I don’t understand.
   Friend #2: Yeah, I don’t follow you.

   That’s the whole joke. I swear.

4. The fact that all the unlikable characters are ugly and have no fashion sense and all the “good guys” are beautiful people with money.
5. The unbelievable contempt for gay males and overweight women. (Everyone who hears that Tom is the maid of honor assumes he’s gay—which, again, is apparently funny somehow. Similarly, Emily Nelson shows up in a role whose only purpose is to allow the audience to laugh at heavy people. Why is the comic relief in these movies always overweight? Were Sarah Silverman and Fran Drescher just not available?)

Maybe I shouldn’t press this, but Karl Marx would have a field day with films like this one. It’s like the whole thing is systematically designed to keep underprivileged, overweight, unattractive, and/or non-straight people down, while maintaining the Hollywood hegemony of rich, beautiful people. Which brings me back to my previous question: Why do both men and women allow Hollywood to treat them like idiots?

The answer: because, unfortunately, the System works. May God forgive us all.