“A little thunder…a little lightning…”

Wow. Maurice, you are one tough act to follow…

You killed pretty much whatever I had to say about this movie…

I’ll go and sit in my corner now. Where’s my dunce cap?

Mahalo,
James

Batman let’s you know he’s self-centered. He bounds around, stomping the fingers of criminals in HIS city and back-handing Poison Ivy every time she tries to germinate a monster from a tulip bulb. So what. Batman cares about you and me about as much as Streisand does when she warns us to stay out of Colorado but his contempt is obvious. You want to fight help him fight crime? Stay the hell outta Gotham, touristas!

Ever pondered how these muties suddenly possess these powers with little effort. Some of them can fly but none are afraid of heights. Some are strong enough to rip a tank in half but are able to easily get a Ritz cracker out of the package with no breakage. They can even give Betty a shoulder rub without dislocating anything important, like, say, her pesky spinal column. Some have eyebeams (seeing red), some can change shape (wearing red), some can create a tornado with their lower extremities (is red) and some can swim and talk to fish (pansy). But how does that benefit the little guy?

I always thought that once, just once, I’d like to see one of these guys that would develop superpowers and be pissed off. He’d laze around with an attitude of screw you and a t-shirt that read “Free Mustache Rides” and he’d give bad guys a wash by wizzing on them. In fact, he’d be a borderline bully, grumpy all the time and doing what ever he wanted. He’d get your cat out of the tree and then use the beast for a quick Ray Guy imitation, using the Twin Towers as goal posts. His surliness would be his costume and he would never need a surfboard to fly around on. He’d be Hancock.

While this may not be a great film, it’s a great concept: The hero who has no idea who he is. I know it’s a good concept because I thought it up 20 years ago at a bar one night. We (cops) had finished a shift and over chicken wings and beer, I brought this idea to the forefront and have ran with it ever since. By the way, I also created the idea of the Borg’s Cube ships at a Star Trek convention 30 years ago but I didn’t get credit for that either. Never ask a Roddenberry why starships aren’t square and expect compensation later when he steals the concept. Hancock is a great concept. Will Smith is not.

Will Smith is rapidly becoming the Wolverine of filmdom. Wolverine is Marvel comics go-to guy when a series is boring or in danger of cancellation. I’ve seen the little Canuck in more titles than I have seen smooshed out roaches in the ashtrays of a ’69 VW microbus with a Steal-Your-Face air freshener. It’s not that he makes the title book better or more interesting; it makes comic geeks buy one more issue. It’s always about the bottom line, isn’t it?

This film fell apart right about the time Hancock “sneezed” and for those who have yet to see it, that’s a code word you should remember for this to make sense. He sneezes and the film falls in the crapper and no one really cared because Will-verine’s in the film. Let’s wreck something, more mayhem, bash more props, add some tear getting pathos and viola! A complete film. Well, heck, that’s just like “I Am Legend.” Hey, that also sounds like “Independence Day” and also “Men In Black II.” Wait, he’s not Wolverine. He’s that pesky voice actor guy from the Pixar films who get’s speaking roles because he’s buddy’s with Doris at the studio’s coffee shop and she’s the bosses widowed Mom.

Go see “Hancock.” It’s not all bad and you’ll be able to enjoy the good parts. In fact, the whole gag with the jar lid was funny in its context. As a bonus, you get a handy guide to all of the variations and uses for the word “ass” and even I, a seasoned veteran, never knew that there were so many possibilities for its use. Thanks, Hollywood. You’ve made a lesser man of me.

I “heart” your reviews. Thanks for a great web site.

Still, I heart Berg for nothing more than Aspen Extreme, or as I like to call it, Top Gun on the ski slopes. That movie belongs in the Awesomely Bad Movie Hall of Fame. I’ve always preferred Berg as an actor than a director.

Maybe I should recommend Hancock to him…

I’ll just sit here and wait for you to come back and throw stones at me.

The Rundown? Seriously? A diamond in the rough?

That sounds so crazy I have to go out and watch this movie right now.

Btw, I’m quite the Peter Berg fan myself, but because I’ve seen The Kingdom 12 times and I’m the only person in all of Oklahoma that didn’t hyperventilate while watching Lions for Lambs (which I know he only had a minor part in, but still).

Plus: who could forget gems like Fire in the Sky?

Ooo, and I see he’s directing Dune (scheduled: 2010). I’m way too much of a geek to pass that up. I’ve read every Dune book ever written (including the atrocities that are Frank Jr.’s handiwork).

Another good review that was entertaining, thanks buddy.

Nathan

p.s. What would it take to get a preview button on this whole submit form? I always feel like I should yell “fire in the hole!” before I hit submit, then peek through my fingers to see what actually ended up with my name attached to it.

This was my first Peter Berg film…