Release Dates Jul 21 2009 @ 06:08 pm
DVD Releases for July 21st, 2009
Gotta tell you guys…I’m probably not the sort who should be editing a movie blog. If I can’t rant about what I think of a movie on the Internet, I kind of stop caring about it. And since most of these movies came out while MZ was dormant, I really didn’t bother reading up on them, or even seeing them. In other words, I know nothing about most of these, and I’m not about to lift a finger to learn about them, since I can’t imagine Adventureland is worth thorough research. But I’ve decided to make proverbial lemonade: It’s MAD LIB WEEK here at MovieZeal!
Remember Mad Libs? The best fill-in-the-blank word game ever!? Well, I combed the Internet and found a suitable one. I’ll be changing it ever-so-slightly to make it fit all of the following new releases:
The [ADJECTIVE] [NAME] and the always [ADJ.] [NAME] reunite after [NUMBER] years. This time, the [ADJ.] [PLURAL NOUN] are [GERUND] the [PLURAL NOUN], a [NOUN] that leads them on a [ADJ.] chase from [PLACE] to [PLACE]. A [NOUN] for the whole [NOUN]!
Ready? Go!
Coraline – 
The UBIQUITOUS DAKOTA FANNING and the always OMG SO GOTHZ HENRY SELICK reunite after INFINITY? years. This time, the CREEPY CLAY MODELS are ROCKING the 3-D, a TREND that leads them on a KID-FRIENDLY chase from REALITY to THE NIGHTMARE REALM. A FRIGHTFEST for the whole FAMILY!
See it if you’re at all interested in animation, children’s literature, or kiddie horror
The Soloist – 
The NO-LONGER DRUG-ADDLED ROBERT DOWNEY, JR. and the always VERSATILE, IN A GOOD WAY JAMIE FOXX reunite after A MILLION? years. This time the DUO are PLAYING the BEETHOVEN, an ARTISTIC ENDEAVOR that leads them on an OH-SO-DRAMATIC chase from THE STREETS OF NYC to CARNEGIE. A DRAMA for the whole DOWNEY-LOVING CROWD!
See it if you’re not sick of seeing Jamie Foxx play music or Robert Downey, Jr. be awesome
The Class -
The FRENCH LAURENT CANTET and the always FRENCH FRANCOIS BEGAUDEAU reunite after GOD ONLY KNOWS years. This time the FRENCH DUDES are ADAPTING the NOVEL, a TRIED-AND-TRUE FORMULA that leads them on an ARTHOUSE-Y chase from SOME CLASSROOM to THEIR INNER PSYCHES. A PIECE OF CINEMA VERITE for the whole TURTLENECK-WEARING SET!
See it if your tastes tend to align with those of the critical establishment.
Adventureland
The UNKNOWN SOME ACTOR and the OVERRATED DUDE WHO DIRECTED SUPERBAD reunite after WOW, THIS PART OF THE MAD LIB ISN’T WORKING OUT SO WELL years. This time the GENERIC COMING-OF AGE STORIES are TAKING PLACE AT an AMUSEMENT PARK, an ARBITRARY LOCALE that leads them on a SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED chase from THE TOP OF THE ROLLERCOASTER to MORE OR LESS THE SAME PLACE, ACTUALLY. An OPIATE for the whole MASSES!
See it if you feel like indulging your baser instincts.
Crank: High Voltage
The MARGINALLY NOTABLE MARK NEVELDINE and the always EQUALLY MARGINALLY NOTABLE BRIAN TAYLOR reunite after THREE (WOW, IT WORKED THIS TIME) years. This time the JASON STATHAM is CLAMPING the JUMPER CABLE ONTO HIS FREAKING TONGUE!!!, a NECESSITY that leads him on an ADRENALINE-FUELED chase from THE SUBLIME to THE UTTERLY RIDICULOUS (MOSTLY THE LATTER). A BUNCH OF EXPLOSIONS for the whole CULTURALLY LOBOTOMIZED!
See it if you’re like me, and added the movie Crank to your Netflix queue against the better advice of friends and well-wishers
I Love You, Man
The I DON’T REALLY KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PAUL RUDD and the always I COULDN’T CARE LESS ABOUT JASON SEGEL reunite after ZERO, MORE OR LESS years. This time the GROOM is SEEKING the BEST MAN, a BIT OF REPRESSED HOMOEROTICISM that leads them on a BROAD (GET IT? ANYONE?) chase from the TUX-RENTAL SHOP to the ALTAR. A BUDDY PICTURE/ROM-COM HYBRID for the whole BUNCH OF GUYS TRYING TO COMPROMISE WITH THE CINEMATIC TASTES OF THEIR WIVES/GIRLFRIENDS!
See it if you can think of a reason I should care about these guys…
Watchmen – 
The HOLLYWOOD-HATING ALAN MOORE and the always ALAN-MOORE-TOLERATING HOLLYWOOD reunite after FOUR years. This time the SUPERHEROES are HAVING the PERSONALITY FLAWS, a NOW-OVERDONE IDEA that leads them on an EXISTENTIAL chase from MARS to THE SOUTH POLE. A NERD-FEST for the whole OF NERD-DOM!
See it if you’re the one comic book geek who hasn’t already seen it multiple times in theaters.
State of Play
The LARGE ENSEMBLE CAST and the always PARTISAN WASHINGTON, D.C. reunite after NOT NEARLY ENOUGH years. This time the HOLLYWOOD STUDIOS are RIPPING OFF the BBC, a TRIED-AND-TRUE FORMULA that leads them on an INTRIGUING chase from SOME POLITICAL DEALIE to SOME OTHER POLITICAL DEALIE. An AMERICANIZED CLIFFS NOTES for the whole ENGLISH-SPEAKING WORLD!
See it if you liked Murder at 1600 or Traitor
Duplicity
The MEH JULIA ROBERTS and the always EQUALLY MEH CLIVE OWENS reunite after FIVE years. This time the SPIES THAT THEY TOTALLY PLAY are FALLING FOR the EACH OTHER (THAT MAKES SENSE, RIGHT?), an AWKWARD SITUATION that leads them on an INCOGNITO chase from NEW YORK CITY to SWITZERLAND. A MOVIE (IT TOTALLY IS!) for the whole ACTUALLY, NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, PROBABLY THE SAME SET AS I LOVE YOU, MAN, EXCEPT WHEN THEY’RE SOBER.
See it if you liked True Lies, Fun with Dick and Jane or Mr. and Mrs. Smith
Race to Witch Mountain
The MUSCLEHEADED DWAYNE JOHNSON and the always MONEY-GRUBBING WALT DISNEY CO. reunite after TWO (!!!) years. This time the EXECS are DEMANDING POINTLESS REBOOTS OF the PAST DISNEY FRANCHISES NO ONE REMEMBERS ANYWAY, a MOSTLY POINTLESS ENDEAVOR that leads them on a HIGH-SPEED (YEP!) chase from UM…SOMEWHERE to WITCH MOUNTAIN. A BABYSITTING MOVIE for the whole TWEEN SET!
See it if you thought Push was too gritty
Hannah Montana: The Movie
The LIKE I’M EVEN GOING TO TRY TO CARE ABOUT THIS MILEY CYRUS and the always STILL MONEY-GRUBBING WALT DISNEY CO. reunite after NO TIME AT ALL years. This time, the MONEY is LEAVING the WALLET IN YOUR POCKET, a I’M TOTALLY DONE THINKING OF NEW STUFF TO SAY that leads them on a NO, SERIOUSLY, I’M SICK OF THIS chase from HERE to WHATEVER. An ADVENTURE for the whole FAMILY (UNLESS YOU’RE OVER 13, OR MALE)!
See it if you think the song lyric “I got my sight set on you / And I’m ready to aim” actually makes sense.
on Jul 22 2009 @ 10:18 am 1. Daniel said …
These are all being released this week?!!? That must be some kind of record.
I would rank them in this order:
The Class
Coraline
Adventureland
State of Play
I Love You, Man
The Soloist
Watchmen
Didn’t see the others. By the way, is that a Hannah Montana song quote that you just used? Hmm…:-P
on Jul 22 2009 @ 11:42 am 2. Joseph said …
I thought I Love You, Man comes out in August?
on Jul 22 2009 @ 12:12 pm 3. Luke Harrington said …
You know what? You’re right. I was just going with what Amazon.com said…two weeks ago. That place is a vicious jungle where legit movies are all mixed in with TV series, direct-to-DVD crap, home workout videos, softcore porn, and tons of other stuff, and I hate going back there if I don’t absolutely have to.
Also, Daniel, it’s *technically* a Miley Cyrus song…
– uh –
– I mean –
YESI’MAWESOME!!!!
on Jul 22 2009 @ 3:04 pm 4. Daniel said …
I think the fact that you corrected my suspicion just made the whole thing worse…
on Jul 22 2009 @ 5:04 pm 5. Evan Derrick said …
Best read I’ve had all day.
Loved Coraline. And I would actually like to see “State of Play.” Got some nice reviews when it came out.
on Jul 23 2009 @ 8:07 am 6. Luke Harrington said …
That was kind of the joke I was going for, Daniel.
What can I say, man? The High School Musical franchise has taught me to appreciate bland teen pop. And I’m still a few years shy of being a creepy old man, so it’s probably okay.
on Jul 24 2009 @ 10:35 am 7. Matt Gamble said …
4 and a half stars for The Soloist? Just how intoxicated were you when you watched the movie?
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on Oct 09 2010 @ 1:32 pm 9. Jasper Sajor said …
I adore miley! She is the greatest lol
on Oct 31 2010 @ 11:34 pm 10. Anti Aging Products : said …
Duplicity is a good movie and i really love the graphics and the story ”
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my favorite child actress Anna Sophia Robb is an alien in the movie Race to Witch Mountain “
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