The cycle and backlash of this recent “Heaven’s Gate” will echo thru time and the cosmos. Think I’m wrong? Here’s how it went:

1967

Driving. Racing. Engines rev, tires squeal. Go, Speed Racer, go!

“Racer X is Speed’s brother!”
“What? Then that must mean that Vader is Luke’s-”
Cut to:

1980

“No. I am your father.”
“Impossible. No. No. no. I’ll never rule the universe with you!”
Cut to:

Present day.

Maurice burns his “Luke, I am your father” t-shirt.

You can see what a vicious cycle this is.

I have no doubt that it will set back relation with extra-terrestrials for at least a decade. Somewhere, on the outer rim of our galaxy, an Andorian family is settling down to watch some Terran broadband that they have pirated from the Feringi. Somewhere, in the New Mexico desert, frantic SETI employees are franticly trying to hijack the DirecTV pay-per view of “Speed Racer.”

I really can’t argue much with what you say hear — it’s highly probable that I didn’t enjoy the movie because I believed too much of the “next big thing” hype going into it. If it had been promoted as “the same old crap, recycled because we know you people still eat this stuff up,” I probably would have had a very different experience with it.

I used the phrase “fake documentary” in my review, but that’s probably not the best phraseology. What I’m talking about is fake “found footage,” I guess — in other words, something considerably less polished than a true mockumentary. The Blair Witch, Cloverfield, [REC]/Quarantine, and (to a lesser extent) Diary of the Dead all play like the footage of someone directly (and somewhat unwillingly) involved in the horror; this is considerably different from This is Spinal Tap, where the film plays like a true documentary might. Does that make sense?

My dad should be pleased to know that there’s one less person out there claiming sireship of me.

And Maurice…really? You just had to sneak in a little Speed Racer jab? Are you trying to get me to come out to your house and stab you in the leg with a very small pen knife? Cuz I’ll do it. I will sooooooooo do it.

Here are the headlines:

Mr. Ed was voiced by Richard Nixon. Ex-VeePee needed campaign funds. Sordid details at six o’clock

Norwegian scientists attack Loch Ness. Attempt to blow Nessie out of the water but local wizards intervene.

CONFIRMED! Dogs talk about us behind our backs.

Video!!!! Luke loses his mind. Talk’s trash. Decides to go HALO with an Acme parachute from 40,000 feet. Silk or and anchor? Who cares, just roll them dice. Gives Wilhelm scream out of the plane’s door. Last words: I WAS WROOOOOOOOONG!

ITEM! Maurice burns his “I am Luke’s Father” t-shirt. Sheds no tears over the break-up.

Luke, I know I am months late commenting on this film but feel I must. How could you not love the best “B” film since “Star Wars?” I think you went too cerebral in your assessment of this film. Let me break this down for you:

Teenagers have party. Monster attacks town. Panic ensues. Running. Screaming. Oh god, there it is. Run the other way. Hiding. Screaming. There it is again! Run. Running. Screaming. Hiding. The way out is destroyed. Hiding. I gotta get to ___________(insert his/her name). Can’t. Can. Running. AUUUUGH! It bit me. Keep running. Safety. Leave safety. She’s there. She’s hurt but she can ignore a mortal wound. Running. Flying. Crashing. MY GOD, IT’S RIGHT ON TOP OF US! Eaten. Running. Screaming. Running and screaming. Hiding. I love you. I love you. Explosion. THE END??????

See? When you break it down, it’s a simple thing. Not at all hard to comprehend and thus, lovable. What’s not to love? First, it’s in NYC and everyone from King Kong to Doc Oc has taken their turn in the Big Apple. Now where can panic ensue like it does in Manhattan, mainly because of the glut of people and buildings? Plus, you must factor in that it was once the breeding ground for large, prehistoric, radioactive monsters and, who says you can never go home?

Next, it’s a big ‘ol monster. And they are always big ones, aren’t they? New Yorkers will run from a Rhedasaurus but hardly give hot dog eating ghosts a second glance. I don’t think they are jaded or apathetic. Just the fact that you are surrounded by most of the world’s tallest buildings commands that your imagination always border the fantastic. But, if something should punt the head of Lady Liberty on to your street, run you little fool.

But, wait. There’s a plot twist. It’s a baby monster! Yikes! Where is its momma? The daddy won’t appear as he is too busy selling the photo rights to the Weekly World News. So when momma arrives, she will rain down destruction like a cloud seeding over Area 51. She’ll have radioactive breath, be 900 feet long/tall and taking no prisoners. Hide. Use the subway as a bunker cuz, she’s tall but she’s light as her diet is lo-cal seaweed salads and fish. Nuts. Momma’s a no show, too.

Holy cow. What are those things falling off of the beast? Why, it’s little critters. Surprise! They scrabble around like spidercrabs and bite like Lecter. WTH? She exploded. Why did she explode? What possible purpose would that serve at the Food Chain Buffet? Wouldn’t the parts just drift away n the current? Won’t the chum line attract Bruce and his pals? Who cares, it’s a cool side effect. As a bonus, there’s a bazillion of these things and they drop off of Tadzilla by the score. Even NYC has never seen that before. They’re like furry little burrs falling from cattle stampeding across a prairie.

Finally, there’s the mystery of where did this thing come from. We get a small clue at the end with the object falling from the sky into the ocean off of Coney Island. What is that? Is it a spaceship? A satellite or meteor? A chunk of Skylab? Was the creature in the thing or did the object splash down on its head? If the latter is the case, why was the creature in such shallow water? It’s not like the Continental Shelf drops off to 600 fathoms right off shore. I theorize that little Mr. Big was having a siesta in the warm, hypodermic shallows and one of those new Super Jumbo jets flew past and the pilot accidentally pressed the “Empty Septic Tank” button when he was turning on the Howard Stern show. Nothing causes anger in a big beast like a great big chunk of frozen human waste to the noggin. Even I hate that.

This was a fun movie, a real blast from the past. There are scads of films that follow this plot. Nothing too recent but hop back to the 50’s and you could spend any weekend at the theaters with one to watch. “King Kong” started this off and the Japanese raised it to an art form. And just about all of them are laughable. I can’t really think of one that instilled a sense of fear in me but many of them were play acted in my back yard for days after I saw it. This would have been one of those.

Luke, I command you to watch this film again but have fun with it. Laugh at the nonsense that it is and let that smile be your umbrella. I can name for you ten other films his year that are worse, starting with “Speed Racer.”

NOTE: Here’s a list of documentaries that are fakes:

“This Is Spinal Tap”
“Real Life”
“Looking For Comedy in the Muslim World”
“Best in Show”
“Borat”
“Zelig”
“Timecode”
“C.S.A”
Any Michael Moore film

Sorry to list so many comedies but I think you’ll find that they cornered the market.

Keep writing your great reviews, Luke. I appreciate them.

Cloverfield is better made, whereas Diary of the Dead is more ambitious. I liked the former. You liked the latter.

With all that said, I felt Cloverfield had some genuine scares and was quite clever in how it managed to justify its “handheld video camera is always running” gimmick. Diary never did that for me, so I was unable to suspend my disbelief for even a fraction of a second.

I friend of mine complained that it used too much 9/11 imagery. When I asked him why he objected to that, he said it was lazy, that it didn’t bother developing it’s own imagery. He’s also a great big Godzilla fan, and he compared Cloverfield to ‘zilla very unfavorably.

As far as Lost, Luke wins … if it’s crack, it’s very bad crack. It only addicted me for about 3 episodes.

It’s “blockquote” and “/blockquote”.

But Evan, it is not doubt you hear. I was merely clarifying the rules of criticizing this show. Not doubting you see because I am apparently a minority, yea a proud minority, from the looks of these comments.

Lost holds the top spot in television goodness.

And yes Lost was inspired by Survivor just like the apple falling from the tree inspired Newton. Not “Oh there’s a dumb show let me make a dumber one” – no. No, rather brilliance begets brilliance. Ahh well said Sean.

Thank you!

but LOST? Really??

As for Lost, I seem to remember J.J. Abrams admitting that he was inspired by Surivor…so you’re demonstrably not too far off, Christian.

And he’s right about LOST because…argh…MY BACK!

As fer LOST, I’ll be generous and say it’s SURVIVOR with a little bit more imagination. Don’t hit!

Thou speakest blasphemy, Sean. The Lost gods will deliver us nothing but pure brilliance, and shame on you for doubting, oh ye of little faith.

I personally, for the most part, thought Cloverfield was the same type of egotistical sort of garbage film that M. Knight’s have been. Hyped up because its Abrams/M.Knights, internets abuzz with talk of epic greatness and BLAT! nothing but air.

Lost however is untouchable, it is in a league of its own and frankly out the reach of critics until the last episode wraps it up. Then if it boils down to some stupid all for nothing plot, then throw it to the sharks.

My $0.02.

I know we had wildly divergent viewpoints on Diary, but fundamentally, what it comes down to is that Diary entertained me and Cloverfield didn’t. I’ll freely admit that Diary was a strange mix of lo-fi camp and arthouse pretension…it wasn’t for everyone. At least it had some personality, though – Cloverfield seems determined to be as bland as it possibly can.

Fletch, I think you’re absolutely right about J.J. Abrams, and my venom probably was a bit misguided. I guess I tend to feel a need to deflate anything that’s getting more respect than it deserves, and Cloverfield’s mediocrity somehow pushed me over the edge. Maybe I’ll send him a card.

Hmmm…if you were trying to push my buttons Luke, bravo, you manged to pull it off.

I love Lost, even with all of its problems. I think it is consistently one of the best television shows on.

Interestingly enough, you said a lot of things in this review that I felt about Diary of the Dead, i.e. “it’s too realistic to be a film, and too much like a film to be realistic.” I’m guessing the political angle with Diary, no matter how weak it was, is what elevated it for you, whereas this is simply an entertainment vehicle. Ugh, I hated Diary. I may have to check this out, just to see what all the fuss is about.

As for Cloverfield, all I needed was a couple of characters I didn’t want to see stepped on…someone to root for…anyone…even a little…and Cloverfield would’ve gone from OK to pretty good for me.

As it is, I like it less and less the farther I am away from it. I still love the closing theme though.

I didn’t particularly love or hate Cloverfield, and I never watched Alias, but obviously, the man has a talent for catching his audience’s eye and holding it, if even for the shortest period of time. It may not be much, but in this genre, that’s someting to be proud of. It’s not like he’s attempting to tell “big” stories.

And I would agree about J.J. Abrams. He seems like a very greedy dude and I haven’t found anything particularly special in his work. He may have good ideas at first, but what eventually may turn out to be brillians (like Lost, IMO) is often taken over by other, more capable and creative people (i.e. of the likes of Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse).

Phillip, I almost took that line out…but that really is how I feel about Lost, despite being addicted to it for a while. It’s the television equivalent of crack…it consumes your life, and you get nothing out of it.

Hey now, hey now. Don’t be a hater.