It’s still the eighth day of Christmas, so it’s not to late to give you my gift. Are you ready?

This all started when I went to Disney’s A Christmas Carol back in November, hoping to hate it so I could write a fun review. To my surprise, it was strangely compelling, and got me thinking about Dickens’ story and how it’s been adapted ad nauseam. I made up my mind: I would read through the story, and then watch every adaptation I could get my hands on. Some of them were quite good. Some of them were nauseating. Read on for the results…

THE TEN BEST:

10. Scrooged (1988)

All I could think of when watching this one was “This is really weird.” And it is. And it might not even be that good, but it was definitely different enough to stick in my head. Bill Murray plays a TV exec haunted by spirits that include a golf-obsessed zombie (in the Jacob Marley role) and a fairy with a penchant for beating people up (as the Ghost of Christmas Present). The pacing is off, and the humor is hit-and-miss, but I imagine it gets better with repeat viewings. It’s not too hard to see why this one’s a cult favorite.
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We have movies to thank for making us all fat and lazy, but what can we thank for getting us into the movies in the first place? That’s right: the taglines. They’re Hollywood’s way of telling us, “This movie is so simplistic that it can be summed up into a few pithy little words — but it’s still totally worth the ten bucks and the two hours, we promise!” The best taglines are often just as loved as the films themselves — just try to imagine popular culture without phrases like “Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water” or “You will believe a man can fly.”

Did you try?

Cool. How’d it go? Not great, right?

Great taglines can make good movies great. They can even turn terrible movies into billion-dollar blockbusters. But then there are those bad days, when the marketing department decides to phone it in, and we end up with taglines like…

10. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

The tagline: Every saga has a beginning.

Why it sucks: Well, let’s be fair here: this one probably seemed like a good idea at the time, given the “legendary” status the franchise held in many people’s hearts. But taken at face value, this one really makes the film seem mundane, inevitable, and inconsequential.

…But the worst part is: The movie actually was mundane, inevitable, and inconsequential. (Then again, maybe this is that “truth in advertising” stuff I keep hearing about.) It seems that with each new piece of Star Wars canon, fans try harder and harder to forget everything that’s been made since Return of the Jedi — and this line will always be there, reminding them just how dang uninspired the series has been since George Lucas started living in a bubble.
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Another great list from Graham Culbertson of Movies et al. Debate and discuss.

I enjoyed making my “Ten Best Westerns of the Last Ten Years” so much that I decided to start an irregular feature called “Genres that Time Forgot” where I highlight a genre that had a heyday but has since become a niche endeavor. I started this post months ago but never finished it, so here it is, in conjunction with MovieZeal’s Noir month, the Ten Best Noirs of the Last Ten Years.

10. Dark City (1998)
Dir. Alex Proyas

Unfortunately I haven’t seen the recently released Director’s Cut of this movie, but even the version the studio put in theaters is quite a winner. Proyas is best known for the overrated schlockfest The Crow, but this is a much better movie. The only plot information I’ll give away is that The Matrix rips this movie off heavily, but it’s best to go in knowing nothing. Probably the most oppressively dark films in the movie on this list, the eponymous dark city is a noir wonderland, inhabited by a whole host of noir types. Our hero is played by Rufus Sewell, an astonishingly odd everyman, who wakes up arrested for brutal murders he can’t remember committing. The road he goes down to find the truth, aided by neo-noir standout William Hurt, is a dark rabbit hole indeed.

Watch the first 8 minutes of Dark City here.
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Sometimes an actor just needs to eat. Not every role can be Oscar bait and not every performance can be “bold,” “defining,” or even “passable.” We understand that at MovieZeal, we really do. However, sometimes it would have just been better to starve, as these misguided choices so painfully illustrate. Undoubtedly we’ve missed a few choice ones, so be sure to sound off in the comments.

10. Ben Kingsley in The Love Guru
1982: Ben Kingsley wins an Oscar for his portrayal of The Mahatma in Richard Attenborough’s Gandhi. Flash-forward 26 years to The Love Guru to witness Kingsley play a dirty-minded sex guru giving advice to a digitally young Mike Myers. Perhaps even more disturbing than merely seeing him on the screen is witnessing how much he actually gets into the part. You’d actually think Sir. Kingsley enjoys making a mockery of the culture he venerated in his Oscar winning role with infantile sex gags and fart noises. Ahh, but the Americans will laugh; perhaps that’s all that matters.

Paycheck, please.

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What better way to ice the cake that has been the Coen Brothers month here at MovieZeal than with a top 10 list of their most memorable scenes? Obviously, the challenge becomes which scenes to include, as the Coens have created nothing if not distinctly memorable characters and scenarios. Some films were easy exclusions (The Ladykillers) while some threatened to take over the entire list (Raising Arizona). After much furious and heated debate amongst ourselves (okay, I exaggerate a tad there), we’ve compiled a list that represents the most iconic images and unforgettable setups from their eclectic canon. Though none of you will likely disagree with the choices we’ve made, many may take umbrage with the scenes that are missing. Top 10 lists are nothing if not easy to disagree with, so let fly in the comments section!

10. Showdown With the Nihilists from The Big Lebowski
Every twisted, convoluted story needs a bizarre, confusing ending (just ask Raymond Chandler, who served as much of the inspiration for this film). On this, The Big Lebowski delivers. This is the scene that left every (sober) person in the audience scratching their heads once and for all. There’s not a lot to be said about this one…just watch it and be amazed.

Most Memorable Line: “No Donny, these men are nihilists. There’s nothing to be afraid of.”

Fun Fact: Gratuitous ear biting was invented just a year prior to this, by boxer Mike Tyson.

NOTE: The following clip has a lot of naughty language. Certainly NSFW, and certainly not good for the kiddies.

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Here at MovieZeal we recognize the entertainment value of the Top Ten list, even as the film aficionados within us recoil at the sell-out mentality it takes to write one. Can the glory of film ever be reduced to a simple Top 10? In this case, yes, yes it can. Welcome to the inaugural MovieZeal Top Ten list. Peruse, make suggestions in the comments, tell us where we’re wrong, and bask in the wonder that is irresistibly craptacular film. We’ve included YouTube clips when possible, for your own personal edification.

10. Jingle All the Way
Okay. We admit it. The only actor worse than Arnold Schwarzenegger is probably Jake Lloyd, and this film has both of them. And yeah, the pacing’s all off, and the ending is just ridiculous and kind of stupid. But this film has something no other Christmas movie does: honesty. Isn’t everyone sick of Christmas movies like Elf and Dr. Seuss’s How the Grinch Stole Christmas that pretend to be all about family values and anti-consumerism, but really just exist to take away the paychecks of gullible, suburban parents? At least this one admits it: Christmas is a big, commercial sham, and you, the audience, just fell for it. Again.
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