Gerard Butler is not exactly having a "THIS IS SPARTA!" kind of day in Guy Ritchie's "RockNRolla."

Hey, movies are coming out! Today! Maybe some you haven’t seen! IT IS TEH AWESOMZ!

RockNRolla –
Guy Ritchie makes his big “comeback” with a film virtually indistinguishable from his earlier “successes.” Ok, despite my liberal use of “quotes,” I have a certain affinity for the dude’s one-note ultra-hip British gangster concoctions. They’re simple, for sure, and date themselves as soon as they hit theaters (I can only imagine how poorly Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels has held up), but in the guilty pleasure sense, they’re unrivaled.

Recommended if Ritchie’s one-trick pony hasn’t been flogged to death yet for you.

Vicky Cristina Barcelona –
Woody Allen, the poster boy for overachieving filmmakers, churns out his best work in years (apart from Match Point, which I love – haters can take a trip). I was more enamored with the scenery and the production design than the characters themselves, which are typical self-involved Allen creations, but the performances are top notch even if the scenario is a bit far fetched. Rebecca Hall (Vicky) and Scarlett Johannson (Cristina) run into Javier Bardem (Juan) and Penelope Cruz (Maria Elena) and fireworks and 3-ways ensue, although not necessarily in that order.

Recommended if you either 1) adore Mr. Allen or 2) compulsively watch the Travel Channel.

Roman Polanski: Wanted and Desired
A doc profiling the life and times of embattled director Roman Polanski (responsible for such classics as Rosemary’s Baby and Chinatown) who fled the country in the mid seventies amidst allegations of statutory rape. He hasn’t been back since (although that didn’t stop him from winning an Oscar for The Pianist). This film profiles the case and apparently brings legal indiscretions to light. In fact, things are still ongoing, as Polanski wants to return to the country and the Los Angeles D.A. still wants to prosecute.

Recommended if you liked The Thin Blue Line or Capturing the Friedmans.
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Apparently, this is what you have to look forward to if you go see 'Outlander.'

If Oscar bait is your delight, this is your week — Frost/Nixon, Revolutionary Road, Slumdog Millionaire and The Wrestler are all finally expanding to theaters where you might actually be able to see them. Even The Dark Knight (which didn’t really receive the scads of Oscar nominations that everybody but me thinks it deserved) is being re-released to a select number of theaters. Also, opening in New York and L.A. is something called Donkey Punch…which sounds, um, extremely sophisticated.

Slumdog Millionaire
This is the Golden Globes’ choice for “best drama” of the year, and I think I’d have to say that I agree. It’s the story of a kid from the slums of India who wins on the local version of Who Wants to be a Millionaire (thus making trouble with some crooked cops), but it’s not really about slums, or game shows, or even corruption. What is it about? Well, you’ll just have to see it for yourself, but here’s a hint: it starts with “the triumph of” and ends with “the human spirit.”

Recommended if you like gameshows, gangster films, and Bollywood dance videos.

The Wrestler –
Another excellent film, just barely edged out by Slumdog. This one tells the story of a washed-up professional wrestler and his friendship with a stripper. It’s a sad, quiet tale of two people desperately selling their bodies, directed by critical darling Darren Aronofsky (Pi, Requiem for a Dream, The Fountain). In some sense, it doesn’t really overcome its “sports movie” roots, but there’s no reason that it should have to. Also, it ends with the triumph of the…ah, never mind.

Recommended if you wished Rocky Balboa was more tragic, or that Bigger, Stronger, Faster* was more fictional. (Or, alternatively, if you sit up late at night listening to Weird Al Yankovic’s 1984 classic “Theme from Rocky XIII (The Rye or the Kaiser)” over and over again.)

Outlander
I was hoping this one would be about Opus the Penguin discovering he was part of an ancient race of immortals (and thank you to the one person out there who actually got that). It turns out that it’s actually just a science fiction film about ancient Vikings fighting alien monsters with a fusion of space-age and iron-age technology (and stars James “Jesus H. Christ” Caviezel). Well, that’s almost as good, I guess.

Recommended if (and only if) you liked all of the following: Aliens, Wild Wild West, and Highlander.

Inkheart
Brendan Fraser plays a guy who can bring storybooks to life. Hey, haven’t we seen this before with some other equally talentless actor?

Recommended if it really bothered you that The Mummy and Bedtime Stories were two separate movies.

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans
The Underworld franchise has lasted long enough for a third installment? Believe me when I say that no one is surprised as I am. Apparently, its not-all-that-novel take on werewolves-vs.-vampires struck a chord with six-year-old boys with fake IDs everywhere. Anyway, this installment apparently takes you far into the past so you can learn the sordid backstory of the werewolf tribe. Not since The Godfather Part II has such prequelic gravity graced the silver screen.

Recommended if you’ve never heard of House of Frankenstein.

Chandni Chowk to China

Lots of different releases this week, though I can’t say I recommend that many of them. On the bright side, this would be a great time to hand out the “Snakes on a Plane Memorial Award for the Movie Title That Leaves Absolutely Nothing to the Imagination.” The envelope, please…

Chandni Chowk to China
If you’ve never seen a film from Bollywood (as the Hindi film industry is affectionately known), you really should check one out. They’re all chock-full of ridiculous stunts, dopey music videos, and awesome set design. They almost make Hollywood fare look tasteful and low-key by comparison. This particular one has the distinction of being the first Bollywood martial arts comedy, or so I’ve heard. You can watch the trailer here…now excuse me, but I’ve got to go buy a ticket.

Winner? Not quite. It does feature a character who goes from Chandni Chowk to China, but that title doesn’t tell us what he does once he gets there. Better luck next time, India.

Recommended if you liked Kung Fu Hustle, Shaolin Soccer or Kung-Pow!: Enter the Fist

Defiance
Probably the last WWII-milking piece of Oscar bait we’ll have to sit through this year, this drama features Daniel “Bond-James-Bond” Craig as one of a thousand or so Jews who build a settlement in the middle of nowhere to evade the Nazis. It’s gotten mixed reviews, but the trailer made it look decent. In any case, it’s a better bet than anything else this week.

Winner? Well, it is a movie about defiance, so it gets a few points. That title’s just not literal enough, though. Next!

Recommended if you liked The Boy in the Striped Pajamas, Valkyrie, or The Reader

Last Chance Harvey
Quiet little romantic comedy starring Dustin Hoffman and Emma Thompson, both of whom earned Golden Globe nominations for their work. He’s an American stranded in London, she buys him a pity drink. Something like that.

Winner? Doubtful. I still can’t figure out what that title means…though it does get some badness points for making me think about Good Luck Chuck.

Recommended if you liked An American Werewolf in London, but didn’t like the werewolf
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Viggo Mortenson in Ed Harris's 'Appaloosa'

And the releases just keep on comin’. What I’ve found odd is how few new releases hit right before Christmas, and how many have hit immediately following. You’d think that retailers would capitalize on Xmas fever and dump all of their product early December, but December was a bit lean for new DVDs. But geez, look at the glut this week.

Appaloosa
Ed Harris tries his hand at directing a gritty, shades-of-gray Western, although the results were not widely appreciated amongst critics or filmgoers. Viggo Mortenson, Jeremy Irons, and Renee Zelwegger also star (as well as the director himself); and with a cast like that, it’s hard to say ‘no.’ Craig Kennedy bestowed 3 shoulder-shrugging stars upon it, which is better than, you know, no stars.

Recommended if you liked Unforgiven, 3:10 to Yuma, or The Proposition.

Blindsight
A documentary that begins by being about a group of blind, Tibetan children who set out to climb Lhakpa-Ri, a 23,000 ft. sister summit to Everest, and ends by being so much more. Part window into another culture, part extreme sports video, part human drama, Blindsight sounds riveting. Daniel Getahun gave it an A- back in June, so you know it’s worth a looksee.

Recommended if you liked Touching the Void. Which, by the way, if you haven’t seen, rent immediately!

Our Daily Bread
I don’t exactly know what this film is about, but I’m fascinated nonetheless. I believe it’s a montage of images chronicling the journey our food takes from the farms to the processing plants to the stores to our tables. It’s not making a statement, per se, simply engaging you in the process of how we get our daily bread. The production notes call it “a wide-screen tableau of a feast which isn’t always easy to digest – and in which we all take part.”

Recommended if you liked Koyaanisqatsi or Baraka.

Those little lying liars over at Amazon. Vicky Cristina Barcelona doesn’t actually hit DVD until January 27th. 
Vicky Cristina Barcelona –
Woody Allen, the poster boy for overachieving filmmakers, churns out his best work in years (apart from Match Point, which I love – haters can take a trip). I was more enamored with the scenery and the production design than the characters themselves, which are typical self-involved Allen creations, but the performances are top notch even if the scenario is a bit far fetched. Rebecca Hall (Vicky) and Scarlett Johannson (Cristina) run into Javier Bardem (Juan) and Penelope Cruz (Maria Elena) and fireworks and 3-ways ensue, although not necessarily in that order.

Recommended if you either 1) adore Mr. Allen or 2) compulsively watch the Travel Channel.
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Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet in 'Revolutionary Road'

Hey friends. Welcome to the first “Theater Releases” post of 2009. I would have done one last week, except — well — there were no releases last week. None at all. Go fig.

I may as well admit my dark secret at this point: If anyone hadn’t figured it out yet, I really hate Oscars season. It’s that terrible time of year when theaters get clogged with derivative-but-pretentious period dramas that beg shamelessly for your acclaim. Frankly, it makes me gag…and every year I look forward to mid-February for some relief. But the point is this: I’d much rather sit through a bad movie that knows it’s bad than a bad movie that thinks it’s a masterpiece (namely, The Reader). That’s why The Unborn tops my list here, and why Bride Wars isn’t at the bottom (actually, it almost made it to second place, but I decided to give Leo and Kate the benefit of the doubt). Obviously, if you’re one of the three people in the world who still take the Oscars seriously, you have permission to reverse my ranking here.

The Unborn

Goes Something Like This: Odette Yustman is haunted by the ghost of a ten-year-old boy that she believes to be her twin, who died in utero. (Seems like he should be the same age as her…or possibly a fetus…but then again, what do I know?)

But It Would Have Been More Interesting If: They had worked abortion into the plot, in a cynical attempt to use political controversy to bolster box office performance.

Recommended if you liked Dark Water, The Ring, or pretty much any other horror movie that centered on a creepy kid.

Revolutionary Road

Goes Something Like This: Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet are a couple on the Titani…er, I mean, in 1950’s-era suburbia, who are dissatisfied with their careers, their suburb, and their relationship.

But It Would Have Been More Interesting If: Hollywood had made a movie about a suburban couple in the 1950’s who found their situation pleasant and fulfilling. Now that would have been a groundbreaking film.

Recommended if you feel that 1950’s culture hasn’t been treated as an artistic whipping-boy quite enough.

Bride Wars

Goes Something Like This: Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway are BFF, until they schedule their respective weddings at their mutual dream venue on the same day. Then the claws come out. Hilarity ensues. (Or not.)

But It Would Have Been More Interesting If: They compromised by each dumping their fiancés and having a big lesbian wedding extravaganza.

Recommended if you’re female (or if you’re like me and have a seriously embarrassing girly streak)

The Reader

Goes Something Like This: Kate Winslet stars in even more Oscar-bait, this time as the MILF who seduces the young, naive David Kross, just before the obligatory Second World War begins.

But It Would Have Been More Interesting If: Anything at all interesting had happened in the whole movie. Trust me on this one.

Recommended if you’re an awards season completist

Huang Lu in Li Yang's "Blind Mountain".

I know, I know, it’s been awhile. I won’t make excuses (ok, I will, a 3000 mile roadtrip over the course of 2 1/2 weeks with 2 small children, 45 total hours in the car, and 5 separate family groups – I am exhausted). But, I’m back in the saddle. Muchos gracias to Luke for keeping the car running in my absence.

It’s a big week for big releases, but they all – for the most part – suck big wind.

Blind Mountain
Which is why my #1 pick is a film I’ve never even heard of. I don’t know anything about this other than what I read in the synopsis when I was stumbling through Amazon’s releases, but it sounds fascinating. Set amidst China’s breathtaking countryside, a young girl goes on what she believes to be an herb hunting expedition and wakes up the slave/wife of another man. Critical accolades appear to abound, and after Up the Yangtze I am freshly interested in all things Chinese.

Recommended if you liked Up the Yangtze, Still Life, or The Children of Huang Shi.

Pineapple Express –
The one marquee busting release this week that is, perhaps, worth some of your time. Seth Rogan plays the exact same character he’s always played and, barring an act of God, will always play, but James Franco does a career about-face as the stoner to end all stoners, and Danny McBride continues to launch his rising star ever higher as an accident prone but seemingly invincible drug dealer. There are laughs to be had, although I thought it was a bit of the Apatow machine’s same-old-same-old.

Recommended if you flock to anything with Judd Apatow’s name on it like pre-teen girls flock to the Jonas Brothers.

The Grocer’s Son
Another release from Film Movement, this small, contemplative film set in the French countryside. A self-obsessed bachelor returns home after his father suffers a heartattack and goes about the business of running his family’s mobile grocery mart. Family drama and romantic travails ensue, of course, and bits of light comedy are sprinkled throughout. Daniel Getahun had 300 thoughtful words to say about it, so I’m intrigued.

Recommended if you liked Chop Shop, Fraulein, or Bottle Shock.

Ping Pong Playa
A sports comedy that pokes fun at Chinese-American sterotypes and throws in a dollop of hip-hop for good measure? Whaaaaaa? I don’t like sports comedies, nor do I like hip-hop, but that combination of disparate elements is hard to ignore. Could be gold, could be coal, but at the very least, it’s sure to be different.

Recommended if you wished Balls of Fury had been real and, uh, less sucky.
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My Photoshop skills are not what I’d like them to be. Still, I offer this work of art as my Christmas gift to ya’ll. Feel free to print it out, give copies to loved ones, etc. Just spread the love. So anyway, I noticed that lately we’ve been slacking around here. I apologize. Y’know, holidays, and whatnot. I do know that Evan is putting the finishing touches on the latest episode of the podcast, and we have all sorts of awesomeness planned for January (the picture above provides a clue). So don’t go away just yet — none of us are quite ready to join the mass graveyard of neglected blogs.

Anyway…releases. This week’s a big one, mainly because of Christmas. Hollywood assumes you won’t want to do anything besides go to a movie this Thursday, and they’re probably right. But, despite the release date, none of these are particularly “Christmassy.” You’d think some would be, since there are still another eleven days of Christmas after the 25th and all, but nope. Luckily, though, you all have me to tell you which movie is the most Christmassy. Enjoy!

Frost/Nixon

Tenuous Connection to Christmas: There’s an old jolly dude in it. Nixon was jolly, right?

Family Film? Well, hmmm…kids do need to learn their history. Then again, they also need to learn punctuation.

Snarky Comment: It’s a good thing that Ron Howard got this out this year, so he can still feel smug about it.

Recommended if you’re impressed by political activism 30 years after the fact.

Valkyrie

Tenuous Connection to Christmas: A group of German soldiers conspire to assassinate Hitler, presumably to bring about “peace on earth.”

Family Film? Probably not. I’m detecting a distinct lack of “goodwill toward men.” Or at least “goodwill toward men whose names are Adolph Hitler.”

Snarky Comment: Usually, movies set during World War II win Oscars every time someone at the Academy sneezes, but this one probably won’t, since it’s a “thriller,” not a “drama.” On the bright side, that also means it might not be “boring.”

Recommended if you wished James Bond had made a cameo in Schindler’s List

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Tenuous Connection to Christmas: It’s about a guy who lives life backwards, so the plot has a lot of nostalgia built right in.

Family Film? Sounds like a fairytale to me, but its PG-13 rating isn’t exactly a ringing endorsement. (Then again, the kiddies do love that F. Scott Fitzgerald.)

Snarky Comment: It seems like everyone on the Internets is jumping up and down and squealing over this movie but me — I’m not sure what I’m missing. (Evan’s seen it, and he assures me it’s worth the excitement. Take that for what it’s worth.)

Recommended if you liked The Fountain, Pan’s Labyrinth or The Great Gatsby
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Oscar season marches on…in New York and L.A. As for the rest of us, we get the following would-be blockbusters…

The Day the Earth Stood Still
Um…yeah. A remake of the 1951 science fiction classic, starring Keanu Reeves? I admit it sounds like a terrible idea, but then I saw that it’s being directed by Scott Derrickson, who I’m kind of a fan of. He directed 2005’s The Exorcism of Emily Rose, which is a pretty underrated film in my opinion — if you’re ever in the mood for a funky little amalgam of 70’s horror and Inherit the Wind-style courtroom drama, check it out. In any case, I think that Keanu threatens to destroy the world and then doesn’t, or something. That sounds like a good way to spend a reel of film to me.

Recommended if you’ve never seen either of the following: 1. the 1951 The Day the Earth Stood Still; 2. Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure

Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi
It’s a Bollywood romantic-comedy-musical! Who doesn’t love those? What more could you possibly want? Why wouldn’t you want to go? Especially given the other offerings this week…

Recommended if the annual glut of stodgy period dramas has got you down.

Delgo
Yet another computer-animated family movie? We must have done something extra good this year! Actually, truth be told, this one looks watchable, if only for the epic fantasy visuals (which aren’t up to Pixar standards, but then again, nothing is). It also has the obligatory B-list all-star cast (Freddie Prinze, Jr.; Val Kilmer; etc.), in case you’re into that sort of thing.

Recommended if you love Shrek but hate all that irony.

Nothing Like the Holidays
Well, it’s the Christmas season, so it’s time for Hollywood to cash in like it’s going out of style. Fortunately, we don’t have to deal with another fiasco like Elf or Fred Claus, but…honestly, I can’t think of a single reason to see this movie. Then again, it is Christmas-themed. And I’m a sucker for that stuff. And Hollywood knows it. Ugh…one please, Mr. Pimply-faced AMC Theaters Employee.

Recommended if you liked The Family Stone; My Big, Fat, Greek Wedding; or While You Were Sleeping

"Peter and the Wolf", winner of the 2007 Academy Award for Best Animated Short Film.

For all intents and purposes, there’s really only one film being released this week. Which is too bad, since a few independent gems might fall into the shadow of the bat, never to be seen again. But that’s what I’m here for.

The Dark Knight –
I don’t need to write much about this. If you’re one of the 2.5 people who haven’t seen it already, nows your chance. It knocked my socks off (literally – they’re lying in a pool of dried Coke on some dirty multiplex floor out there). Will it age well? Is it the masterpiece many (including myself) have claimed it to be? Who the heck knows? It is, however, beyond a shadow of a doubt, one of the most thrilling films of the year. Even if your name is Luke.

Recommended for all non-blind people.

| Purchase The Dark Knight on Blu-ray

Man On Wire
Any other release day, this film would be topping the list. One of the best documentaries of the year, it recounts Philippe Petit’s 1974 act of “performance art terrorism,” in which he strung a cable between the two towers of the World Trade Center and crossed back and forth, using only a pole for balance. Part Ocean’s 11, part Werner Herzog insanity, this is a must-see doc that entertains as often as it takes away breath. See Craig Kennedy’s review for confirmation.

Recommended also for all non-blind people.

| Purchase Man On Wire on Blu-ray

The Rape of Europa: Collector’s Edition –
This one came out a month and a half ago, but they’re now releasing it in a fancy collector’s edition, complete with supplementary interviews and intriguing tidbits. If you missed it once before, don’t let it pass you by a second time (I’m looking at you Daniel Getahun). An absolutely fascinating perspective on a time period that I thought the History Channel had exhausted a long time ago.

Recommended if you liked Stolen, The War, or Who the #$&% is Jackson Pollack?

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Wow…I never thought I’d be saying this, but this is a pretty good week for new releases. Just when I was starting to fall asleep, Hollywood came through with three very good choices (and one lame one). Go see a movie this weekend…that’s an order.

Nobel Son
Okay, so I put this movie at the top because I was under the impression that it was well-reviewed. Then I checked Metacritic and Rotten Tomatoes, and it turns out that it’s not. That’s the last time I listen to you, Wikipedia! Grrr. Still, I can think of a lot of good reasons to see this one: (1.) Alan Rickman, who has never put in a bad performance in his life (if you haven’t seen Bottle Shock, you really should); (2.) a cool-sounding premise that’s half Coen, half Tarantino, and all awesome (Nobel laureate’s dysfunctional family is thrown into turmoil when his son gets kidnapped); and (3.) a catchy title. I know that last one doesn’t sound that important, but seriously — who wants to walk into work on Monday and have to say, “So I saw Riding in Cars with Boys over the weekend…”, or possibly, “You really should check out Life as a House…“? Nobody. That’s who.

Recommended if you want to see Burn After Reading combined with Smart People and filtered through the mind of Steven Spielberg

Cadillac Records
The story of how Leonard Chess founded Chess Records, the Chicago-based blues powerhouse. Okay, so there might not be a huge audience for this one (I can already hear Evan groaning…), but if you know me, you know that I love blues music with all of my soul (pun intended, of course), and there is no way that I’m going to miss this one — particularly since I noticed Mos Def is playing Chuck Berry. That should be interesting. (No word on whether Michael J. Fox will make and appearance.)

Recommended if you liked Ray, The Buddy Holly Story or That Thing You Do!

Milk
It would have to be a good week (and it clearly is) for this one to be my third choice. The true story of Harvey Milk, the first openly gay individual to be elected to office in the U.S., it should be an interesting ride. I can’t promise intellectual depth, but I’m counting on an engaging and challenging story. It stars Sean Penn and was directed by Gus van Sant, so it pretty much screams “Oscar bait”…but if that’s your cup of tea, you can’t go wrong with this one. Watch the trailer here.

Recommended if you like Oscar bait. ‘Nuff said.

Punisher: War Zone
Marvel has, as of late, been hell-bent on immortalizing all of their characters in celluloid, whatever the cost (though frankly I’m wondering where the She-Hulk adaptation is). Their current strategy seems to be to rush as many adaptations out the door as possible, and simply remake the ones that end up sucking (we saw this happen earlier this year with The Incredible Hulk, which was essentially a reboot of Hulk — no word yet on whether we can expect a second reboot in a couple of years). So here it is…the reboot of the Punisher franchise that never was. Frankly, I don’t think I can take another comic book movie (especially after the bloated and overrated Dark Knight…yeah, I said it), but feel free to go if you want. At least Marvel hasn’t been desperately milking the same property since 1989, like a certain other comic book publisher has…

Recommended if you liked the 1989 version of The Punisher, or if you liked the 2004 version of The Punisher, or if you didn’t like either and you’re hoping this one will be better

Srdan Golubovic's "The Trap."

I’m still recuperating from my marathon Thanksgiving driving session: 40 hours on the road, 2 children in the backseat (who would scream in tandem; we used Europe’s “The Final Countdown” to drown them out), 2 flat tires, and 2 different rental cars. Helpful tip? Don’t rent from Budget unless you like your complimentary “24 Hour Roadside Assistance” to be outsourced to a third party that funnels its calls through an Indian call center. Second helpful tip? Ignore directions to the nearest Budget location given to you by passing Good Samaritans – more than likely, you’ll find yourself at a Hertz instead.

All that to say…. the post is a bit late. But TA-DA! Here it is for your reading enjoyment.

The Trap
What? How the heck is this my number 1 pick of the week? A valid question, sir, a valid question. I’m a big fan of Film Movement, and this is their latest release. I’m just going to copy their synopsis, since it sounds fantastic: “A modern film noir reflecting the true face of Serbian ’society in transition,’ It’s a story that could happen to you. An ordinary man is forced to choose between life and death of his own child. THE TRAP is a film about post-Milosevic’s Serbia, in which there is no more war, only a moral and existential desert. This is Serbia in transition, in which human life is worth little, and normal life remains almost unreachable.”

Recommended if that sounds as fascinating to you as it does to me.

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian –
I’m a little skeptical of Luke’s star rating there (4.5? Really?), but interested all the same. I have fond memories of reading the Narnia books while growing up, and even if The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe left me a bit cold inside, it was still an acceptable adaptation of a beloved work. At least it wasn’t butchered like Eragorn and The Seeker were. This one promises to amp up the bloodshed (how far can you go before you cross the line into PG-13 territory? Quite far, apparently), and while that isn’t necessarily faithful to the source material, the fantasy geek within me is all for it.

Recommended if the wisecracking beavers from the first film didn’t piss you off too much.

| Purchase The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian on Blu-ray

Wanted –
This film has become something of an inside joke between Luke and I. We bring it up constantly around one another, usually using it as a barometer for the other’s poor taste. We saw it in the theater together, and while I enjoyed it for the giddy thrill ride that it was, Luke sniggered and eye-rolled his way through the entire film. I liked it – a good bit (although felt it had a serious identity crisis) – and Luke hated it. With a passion. So who are you more like? Luke or myself? Feel free to answer cryptically in the comments section.

Recommended if you liked Face-Off, Live Free or Die Hard, or Nightwatch.

| Purchase Wanted on Blu-ray

The X-Files: I Want to Believe –
I was a wide-eyed X-Files fan throughout its first 3 seasons or so. I must have been 14 (15?) and was just beginning to enter the age where my parents would let me make my own movie and television decisions. The X-Files was a little dark, but not too dark, and so I gobbled it up with all the ferocity my developing geeky mind could muster. How many great episodes are there in those first few seasons? Too many to count. Sadly, that ceased to be the case somewhere around the 5th or 6th season (perhaps it was earlier – it’s too painful to recall), and so my enthusiasm for this film is at zilch on the gotta-see-it-o-meter.

Recommended if you want to believe that Chris Carter can redeem himself for the massacre he perpetuated on his own show.

| Purchase X-Files: I Want to Believe on Blu-ray
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So, I was gnawing on a turkey leg when I realized I’d forgotten to do the obligatory “new releases” post. And then I realized that it was even worse than I thought, since the new movies came out yesterday, this being a holiday weekend and all. So I apologize to all three of you out there who were waiting to see what I had to say about Four Christmases. Let’s try to make the most of things anyway.

I didn’t have much to say about any of these films, so I figured I’d just provide you with the blurbs that will probably be on the back of the DVD cases for these in a few months. Here goes:

Australia
From director Baz Luhrmann, the genius who brought you that one version of Romeo + Juliet that probably didn’t suck too bad (we’re not really sure, since none of us remember the 90’s all that well) comes an action-romance-adventure-[insert whatever genre you like here] film you won’t soon forget! Sexy (she’s only forty!) Nicole Kidman stars with the dashing Hugh Jackman (Van Helsing Deception X-men) in an adventure set in the Australian outback! Winner of nine Academy Awards®™©, including “Best Movie Named After a Continent!” David Manning of the Ridgefield Press raves, “It’s a nonstop thrill ride!!!”

Recommended if you liked Moulin Rouge, Romancing the Stone or Pearl Harbor

Four Christmases
Relive the magic…the memories…the proof that Hollywood can occasionally spell out entire titles in a manner consistent with the MLA stylebook! Now the magic of 4Xmas’s can be yours to own forever, and cherish for eternity, and rewatch for…um…a really long time. Featuring Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn, who have both probably been in other good movies recently (or, at the very least, have been caught in interesting compromising positions in the tabloids), this romantic comedy will make you laugh and warm your heart. Make it a part of your holiday tradition now (we’re sure you can squeeze it in between Surviving Christmas and The Family Man). David Manning of the Ridgefield Press raves, “It’s a nonstop thrill ride!!!!!”

Recommended if you’re one of those suckers who will buy anything with “Christmas” written on it (and believe me, I’ve been there myself)

Transporter 3
In the tradition of action movies with one-word titles that are a vague description of someone’s occupation comes this latest obligatory sequel cash-in, which Don Finkelstien of the New England Really Old Telegraph praised as “A throw-down, knock-up, take-no-prisoners, write-no-thank-you-notes, eat-no-raw-fish thrill ride that grabs you by the throat and doesn’t let go!!! And even when it does, it bites your ear off, just to make sure you know it means business!!!! And then it spreads some nasty rumors about you on MySpace!!!!!!!” Jason Statham (The Transporter, Transporter 2, Transporter 2½, Transporter: The Reckoning, Transporter: Requiem for a Bunch of Dead Guys, Transporter: Day of Judgment, Transporter: Another Day of Judgment, Transporter: Yet Another Day of Judgment, Transporter: Princess Tea Party, and Transporter: You People are Still Coming to See These Things!!??) stars as…a…guy…and there are a bunch of AWESOME EXPLOSIONS!!! David Manning of the Ridgefield Press raves, “It’s a nonstop thrill ride!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Recommended if, unlike me, you actually saw Transporter 1 and 2 (you don’t have to feel bad — this is French cinema, so you know it’s sophisticated)

Jiang Ke Jia's STILL LIFE.

But wait! Have you entered our free DVD giveaway of Mirrormask? It’s easy and painless and requires only 2 ounces of blood and your first born. What a steal! Contest ends tomorrow, so don’t be slow.

Speaking of slow, that’s a good way to describe this week, although those of you clamoring for big busty blockbusters have a bit to chew on.

Hancock –
Such high hopes had I for this one (I know, I know, silly), primarily because director Peter Berg is one of my favorite guilty pleasure directors (another? Tony Scott). He’s the auteur behind such classics as The Rundown, which many of you know I bring up any chance I get. I apologize if you’re sick of it; it will likely continue to happen. So, Will Smith is a down-n-out superheroic bum who fights crime whilst downing Jim Bean. It has enjoyable moments, but the 3rd act veers off into la-la land, hand in hand with Charlize Theron.

Recommended if you liked I, Robot, Mystery Men, or I Am Legend.

| Buy Hancock on Blu-ray

Still Life
If Up the Yangtze was the documentary version of the widespread changes taking place, both personally and sociologically, as the 3 Gorges slowly filled up with water, displacing 2 million people, then Still Life is the fictionalized account. A husband and a wife return to their submerged village and attempt to repair their lives, only to discover that the water has buried more than their home. Seems meditative and emotionally moving, just like Yung Chang’s spellbinding doc was.

Recommended if you liked Up the Yangtze or are at least a tad bit curious about life in China.

Fred Claus
I love how the marketing machines for Christmas flicks are always delayed till the following holiday. When DVD turnaround is anywhere from 2 to 4 months (depending on the crappiness of the movie – the more crappy, the faster it hits DVD), having to wait a full 11 seems like an eternity. Not that I was waiting with baited breath for Fred Claus, the story of Santa (Paul Giamatti) and his good-fer-nothin’ brother Fred (Vince Vaughn) – I just think it’s funny. It felt like this movie came out an eternity ago. Does anyone still care?

Recommended if The Wedding Crashers meets Sideways meets Santa Claus Vs. The Martians is your idea of a good time!

| Buy Fred Claus on Blu-ray

Space Chimps –
Lord, save us from ourselves. Quickly.

Recommended if lemon juice enemas just aren’t masochistic enough for you anymore.

| Buy Space Chimps on Blu-ray

Hey all. It’s yet another slow week. Then again, if you’re really sitting there, waiting to see what movies are coming out this weekend, you need to get a hobby. I mean, have you really already seen everything else that’s showing? Geez…go outside. Get some fresh air. Movies aren’t that important.

Um, anyway…

Twilight
Um…does anyone not know what this is? It’s only the biggest tween publishing craze ever to not have a boy wizard named Harry in it. If I remember right, I think the plot goes something like this: First, all the vampires that are walking through the valley most west down Ventura Blvd. Then, all the bad boys are standing in the shadows, and all the good girls are at home with broken hearts. AND NOW I’M FREEEEEEEEEE — ! FREE FALLLLLIN’!!!! …um, yeah.

Recommended if you always wished Buffy would get together with Angel. Or Spike. Or any other vampire that she may or may not have had a thing with.

Bolt –
Dog that doesn’t have superpowers but thinks he does saves the day. This is the first animated Disney movie to be made since Pixar took over their board of directors. So expectations aren’t necessarily high…but I think people are hoping it won’t entirely suck. The trailer that played before WALL-E was kinda funny. Expect to see me in line, unless I have something better to do.

Recommended if you liked Chicken Little, Meet the Robinsons or Home on the Range

WALL-E Concept art, courtesty Walt Disney Entertainment and Pixar Animation Studios.

Before we get into the goodies, be sure to check out our FREE Blu-ray giveaway of Southland Tales, which ends tomorrow at noon. There are 2 copies of up for grabs, and all you have to do is leave a comment on the post. Get crackin’!

A big week for releases, both of the blockbuster and independent varieties. Needless to say, I’ve got a certain little robot on the brain (as does my daughter). Viva la Pixar!

WALL•E –
The Pixar masters have done it again. This is, arguably, their most beautiful, heartfelt work, and with an oeuvre like theirs, that’s saying something. The story of a little trash compacter who falls in love with a sleek recon robot named EVE, the most impressive thing about WALL•E is the emotional mileage Pixar generates out of beeps, clicks, and gestures. This is glorious filmmaking, a masterpiece in every sense of the word, and if you haven’t seen it yet, make it your top priority.

Recommended if you like things called ‘movies.’

| Buy WALL•E on Blu-ray

Up the Yangtze –
This is a thematically rich, visually gorgeous documentary about the damming up of China’s great Yangtze river and the subsequent flooding of the 3 Gorges, displacing nearly 2 million Chinese citizens. It deals with issues of culture, national identity, coming of age, and the conflict between communism and capitalism that is raging across China’s landscape. Thought provoking and heartrending. Highly recommended.

Recommended if you liked Still Life, Please Vote For Me, or State of Mind.

Tropic Thunder
I was surprised at how much I enjoyed this film. 1 part comedy, 1 part satire, 1 part action, it’s a mixed bag at times but an entertaining one nonetheless. If you’re not easily offended (this one is as crass as Hollywood comedies come, these days, although you are thankfully spared any ‘money shots’ of Jack Black’s junk), Robert Downey Jr.’s performance alone is worth the price of admission. Alexander Coleman breaks it down, professor style.

Recommended if Platoon-meets-Stand By Me-meets-The Player-meets-Zoolander sounds like the mostest awesomest movie evars.

| Buy Tropic Thunder on Blu-ray

Priceless –
A surprising little gem of a film that plays like a mix between Breakfast at Tiffany’s and Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. Audrey Tatou stars as a gold digger on the French Riviera, and Gad Elmaleh as the hapless bartender who falls for her and, just to be close to her, ends up gold digging himself. The greatest shock is that Elmaleh outshines the uber-adorable Tatou (of Amelie fame) in nearly every scene. Cute and sweet, although a bit nasty is you start to think about it for too long.

Recommended if you like cute French films about persons of dubious moral fortitude (seriously – for Breakfast at Tiffany’s fans).

| Buy Priceless on Blu-ray
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Quantum of Solace –
That’s right, kids. This is your only choice this week. Apparently no one wanted to go up against Bond-James-Bond doing his Bond-James-Bond thing. Well, here it is. Go see it if you want. Or just wait for the next inevitable franchise reboot (which will probably come in a decade or so).

Recommended if you need one last chance to see the good guys win before Oscar season kicks off

Hey! You! Before reading my sparkling prose on the films coming out this week, why don’t you enter to win a free copy of Southland Tales on Blu-ray? All you have to do is visit this post and leave a comment using a valid email address. That’s it. Easy peezy lemon squeezy.

After doing that, go on and peruse this list of films competing for the cash in your wallet. You deserve it.

Hellboy 2: The Golden Army –
One of the best comic book movies of the year, and in 2008 (with The Dark Knight and Iron Man entering the fray) that’s saying something. The plot’s woven a bit thin, and if you look too hard at the fabric you’ll see holes big enough to twiddle your thumbs in, but del Toro (who’s currently helming The Hobbit behemoth) infuses every frame with limitless amounts of his imagination. This is one of those films where, afterwards, you want to head over to the bookstore immediately and pick up one of those “The Art Of….” movie tie-in volumes and gaze at it indefinitely.

Recommended if you long for the tangible, CGI-less art design of fantasy classics such as The Dark Crystal, Labyrinth, and The Neverending Story.

| Buy Hellboy 2: The Golden Army on Blu-ray

Sukiyaki Western Django –
Japanese splat-master Takashi Miike turns his bizarro mind towards that most august of genres, the samurai-spaghetti western. This film is a bit difficult to accurately describe: the costume and set design are conspicuous nearly to a fault; the all-Asian cast (except for Quentin Tarantino, mugging it up as always) speak their lines in English, but I believe most of the actors don’t really speak the language, making the dialogue sound like a badly dubbed chop-socky flick; and it doesn’t really make any sense. But, it is unlike anything you will see this year, and for that reason alone it’s worth checking out.

Recommended if you always find yourself gravitating to the strangest possible films in the video store and checking them out by virtue of their eclectic box-art alone.

| Buy Sukiyaki Western Django on Blu-ray

Star Wars: The Clone Wars –
Look, another ploy to hook your children on shiny plastic toys they’ll become bored with in just under 2 hours! See stiff, wooden characters voiced by stiff, wooden voice over artists! Watch Lucas and Co. rape the Star Wars IP into oblivion! (reminds me of a recent South Park episode, by the way…you know the one I’m talking about) And yet, part of me still wants to see this almost guaranteed assault on good taste, simply because it looks somewhat pretty and has Star Wars in the title. Ole’ Georgie knows when he has a bunch of suckers on the hook, and who can blame him for reeling in an easy catch every now and then?

Recommended if you feel that hook digging into the soft tissue of your mouth and know that it’s only a matter of time before the fisherman guts you for his dinner.

| Buy Star Wars: The Clone Wars on Blu-ray
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There’s really not much I can recommend this week. You could check out your local arthouse, though. Here in Tulsa, we’re getting Happy-Go-Lucky (at the Circle) and Rachel Getting Married (at the AMC).

Evan’s been on me to mention that for awhile now. Hopefully, the two of us can make peace again.

Anyway…

House –
No, not that obnoxious doctor on TV (although, come to think of it, that short phrase describes nearly half the characters on scripted television). This one is actually about an actual house. It’s also not a remake of that cheesy 1986 horror-comedy. Instead, it’s based on the 2006 horror novel by Frank Peretti. Hey wait, a horror movie that’s not a remake? This I have to see. Sign me up.

Recommended if you liked Saw, Thr3e, or The Mist

Role Models
Okay…somebody upstairs likes us and decided we needed yet another sophomoric man-boy comedy. In this one, Seann William Scott and Christopher Mintz-Plasse are a couple of lazy slobs who hawk an energy drink for a living and get sentenced to community service. As would never happen in real life, said service involves leading a community youth group. So it’s basically Billy Madison, but with two actors you’ve never heard of.

Recommended if you liked The School of Rock or Bad News Bears, but wish they sucked

Soul Men
Yeah, this scenario hasn’t been done to death. Aging 70’s pop stars played by Bernie Mac and Samuel L. Jackson decide to get the group back together. Hilarity (read: tedium) ensues. Come on Sammy, you’re better than this. And you, Bernie, you’re…um…never mind. Congrats on the gig!

Recommended if you liked Blues Brothers…nah, make that Blues Brothers 2000

Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa
Which is worse: talking CGI animals with celebrity voices, or sequels that try to use numerals as legit words? We’re simultaneously teaching our children to mindlessly worship celebrities and to spell badly. So if this film is successful, the mail should be clogged with fan letters to “Mat Daymann” in a couple of years. I definitely look forward to that.

Recommended if Blockbuster runs out of Kung Fu Panda

REMINDER! A FREE copy of Transsiberian is still up for grabs, courtesy First Look Studios, and all you have to do is hop on over and leave a comment on the post in order to be eligible. The contest ends tonight at midnight!

Transsiberian –
My #1 pick for the week, which makes me disappointed that I’m not eligible for my own contest. I really dug Brad Anderson’s last film, The Machinist, infamous for its emaciated Christian Bale, and was disappointed he didn’t receive more accolades for it. The man directs a solid, guilty-pleasure thriller, and this noir-ish romp through the Siberian wilderness starring none other than Ben Kingsley (who I hope, fingers crossed, is not slumming it again) sounds right up my alley.

Recommended if you liked Strangers on a Train, Sexy Beast, or A Simple Plan.

| Buy Transsiberian on Blu-ray

Kung Fu Panda
Conspicuously ignored this when it hit theaters earlier in the year, but could not ignore the surprisingly positive reviews that it garnered from critical circles. Talking animals usually signify studio big wig barrel scraping, but this film seems to have risen slightly above its low-brow beginnings. I’m game for a little animated chop-socky, and Jack Black is almost universally entertaining, so some slightly lowered expectations should make this an enjoyable romp. Then again, Daniel Getahun bestowed his highest marks on it, and even called it competition for WALL-E, so perhaps I’m underestimating the power of the Jack.

Recommended if computer generated talking animals aren’t completely dead to you.

| Buy Kung Fu Panda on Blu-ray

When Did You Last See Your Father? –

I wasn’t expecting Phillip to bestow such high marks on this, but there they are, 4 1/2 ruby-red twinklers. Colin Firth and Jim Broadbent star in this adaptation of Blake Morrison’s memoir about his dying father and his struggle to express the love, frustrations, and contradictions inherent in their relationship. Looks like potent stuff, although a film you have to steel yourself for emotionally before watching.

Recommended if you liked The Savages, About Schmidt, or Big Fish.

Get Smart –
Carell is currently my favorite leading funny man (Seth Rogen and Will Farrell are officially in burn-out mode for me), and tuning into The Office is a weekly ritual. Additionally, I’m on an Anne Hathaway high after seeing Rachel Getting Married last week, so this one is a guaranteed rent for me, even if it ends up being supreme-o lame-o. Sometimes you just need to shut off the brain, pour yourself a glass of wine, and giggle without the guilt.

Recommended if you liked Evan Almighty or OSS 117: Cairo, Nest of Spies (which, by the way, is an incredible spy-spoof from France, and probably 10x the comedy that this one is).

| Buy Get Smart on Blu-ray

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Yeah okay, I’m late again. But on the plus side, this sets a new MZ record for lateness. (What do I win, Evan?)

Of course, this year, the movies are coming (by which I mean “came”) out on Halloween, so it’s my job to tell you whether they’re scary or not. Of course it’s 11/2 now, so nobody cares. But whatever, let’s pretend.

Changeling –

Might Be Scary Because: You have to look at Angelina Jolie’s face for two hours. What could be scarier than that?

Might NOT Be Scary Because: This is some pretty obvious Oscar Bait: it’s a period piece, it’s directed by Clint Eastwood, and it deals with some fairly obvious themes involving human sanity. In other words, it’ll be dull.

Recommended if you’re longing to see a mashup of Girl, Interrupted and Birth

What Just Happened?

Might Be Scary Because: It’s yet another self-righteous “independent” movie made by Hollywood insiders about how awful Hollywood is. Jigsaw, are you behind this?

Might NOT Be Scary Because: That ticket stub glued over Robert De Niro’s mouth is stamped with the words “ADMIT NOTHING.” That’s actually pretty funny.

Recommended if you’ve always wanted to see a version of An Allan Smithee Film: Burn, Hollywood, Burn that doesn’t suck

Zack and Miri Make a Porno

Might Be Scary Because: Kevin Smith’s ego (THE THING THAT WOULD NOT DIE!) is already hard at work, congratulating itself on offending the MPAA censors.

Might NOT Be Scary Because: The shock value of pornography wore off at least 30 years ago, guys.

Recommended if you liked Jersey Girl. Yeah, just Jersey Girl.

The Haunting of Molly Hartley –

Might Be Scary Because: It’s a frickin’ horror movie. Not that that’s any real indication as of late, but still.

Might NOT Be Scary Because: It’s only the millionth rip-off of The Exorcist and The Omen to come out in the last several decades. Speaking of which, when are we going to get a godawful remake of The Exorcist, Hollywood? That thing is way overdue.

Recommended if you like movies with seriously overwrought titles (I’m looking at you, Riding in Cars with Boys)

RockNRolla –

Might Be Scary Because: I have no idea how to spell its title without using the official logotype. That’s gonna keep me up at night for sure.

Might NOT Be Scary Because: It’s from Dark Castle Entertainment, a studio formed specifically to make scary movies, none of which have actually been scary. Then again, this is their first film that’s not supposed to be scary, so I’d say you have a 50/50 chance here.

Recommended if you liked Snatch, Resevoir Dogs, or Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels