Ponyo
This is the latest one from noted anime auteur Hayao Miyazaki, the man behind Princess Mononoke, Castle in the Sky, and the totally-Oscar-winning Spirted Away. This one’s about a fish that wants to be a human, and…um…yeah. Okay, don’t look at me that way. His movies are always a little (or a lot) “out there,” but they’re also always incredible. You want original, imaginative movies? Here you go. Everyone else can go see G.I. Joe, I guess.

See it if you liked Pinnochio, Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind, or The Little Mermaid

The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard
A madcap comedy about an overzealous used car salesman. What else can I say about this movie? Well…t’s from those guys who brought you those Will Ferrell movies that are exactly like all those other Will Ferrell movies. Also, it doesn’t have Will Ferrell in it. Also, it doesn’t have anyone particularly famous in it. Also, the trailer makes it look way funnier than it deserves to be. Also, I’ll probably go. Also, I’ll probably hate myself for going. The end.

See it if you like Will Ferrell movies but think they just have too much Will Ferrell in them.

District 9
Director Neil Blomkamp (3,000 Miles to Graceland) and producer Peter Jackson (a little trilogy called The Lord of the Rings) bring you a different kind of alien movie. This time, the aliens aren’t invaders; they’re refugees. I saw an advance screening of this one, and I loved it, but it’s definitely not for everyone. It’s brutal, depressing, and deadly serious. It’s also probably one of the most important films to come out this year. See it if you want to think a little bit…but don’t expect the usual popcorn fun.

See it if you think Will Smith is a jerk for punching that alien in the face in Independence Day.

Bandslam
Okay, now we’re getting into the stuff that’s more likely to be crap. This one combines a couple of guilty pleasures of mine: the production company Walden Media (City of Ember FTW!) and one of the stars from High School Musical (Vanessa Hudgens, for anyone who actually cares), but the idea of a rock-band-themed tweenybopper movie still kind of makes my skin crawl. And I know that if my skin is crawling, most of you are probably running screaming from the room.

See it if you liked Josie and the Pussycats or Camp Rock

The Time Traveler’s Wife
Okay, I have no idea about this one. It could be a great film, for all I know (it’s not). But, really? A guy who’s doomed forever to spontaneously travel through time finds love anyway? Didn’t that already happen when the guy from Quantum Leap accidentally got zapped into the Lifetime Network, or something? Also, look at that poster. Is the guy who designed it colorblind?

…Sorry, it’s Friday afternoon and I’m cranky. I’m sure this is a very lovely film. You go, Eric Bana!

See it if you liked Amy Tan’s novel The Kitchen God’s Wife, but thought, “Gee, this needs less Julia Child and more H.G. Wells.”

Julie & Julia
Allegedly the first movie ever based on a blog, this one follows the adventures of blogger Julie Powell as she attempts to cook all 524 recipes from Julia Child’s book Mastering the Art of French Cooking in a year. Reasons I care: (1) It’s written and directed by Nora Ephron, creator of You’ve Got Mail, Sleepless in Seattle and When Harry Met Sally. (2) Julia Child pretty much taught me how to cook. Well, her books did. That woman is amazing.

See it if you liked No Reservations or Ratatouille

A Perfect Getaway
Hmmm…bunch of young, attractive people get lost in the wilderness and are stalked by something that wants them dead. Clever premise…I wish I’d thought of it.

See it if you liked The Ruins or Pitch Black

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Fun fact: prior to the extensive deregulation of television under the Reagan administration, children’s shows with toy tie-ins were banned. Why? Because kids are unable to understand things like the nature of money and the persuasive intention of commercials. In other words, creating a cartoon just to convince them to buy a toy is basically a poor man’s form of mind control. Anyway, Gen-X (and early Gen-Y)  grew up with the first round of toy-selling cartoons — and now look at them. Not only did they buy all kinds of plastic crap they didn’t need in the 1980’s; they’re still spending money to see embarrassing garbage like this and Michael Bay’s Transformers series, just because they’re tied into cartoons they used to like! Congratulations, evil corporations, you win!

See it if your favorite genre of movies is OMG GUYS SHOOTING EACH OTHER AND BLOWING STUFF UP11111

*Offerings may or may not be fine. Details subject to change.

August
Well, I hope it’s better than August Rush.  Other than that, I really know nothing about it except that it’s about a couple of dot-com entrepreneurs struggling to survive directly after the September 11th attacks. The reviews weren’t great, but the subject matter is intriguing to me, and it’s certainly relevant (and is arguably getting more relevant every day).

See it if you’re into things that may or may not be relevant.

Mutant Chronicles
Hmmm…a movie based on a fantasy role-playing game? How could I refuse, after Dungeons and Dragons?! Okay, let me be honest: there’s nothing remotely interesting to me coming out this week, but a godawful adventure through an alien-infested steampunk world sounds more tolerable than most of this other stuff.

See it if you spend all your time polishing your +3 two-handed broadsword.

Labor Pains
Wow, Ms. Lohan, how you have fallen. I don’t think anyone dug Mean Girls more than I did, and you were probably one of the better things about it. If you had kept hanging around Tina Fey, you could have been relevant — but you had to go and get your degree from the Paris Hilton School of How to Be a Celebrity (And Do Other Stuff Idiotically Too). Now look at you. Made-for-ABC-Family-Channel movies about lying to your boss about being pregnant? Lindsey, even you could do better than this.

See it if you liked Baby Mama or Miss Conception

Gomorrah
Probably the only legitimately “good” movie coming out this week, this one is a mafia drama produced in Italy. Wait…really, guys? You do know you’re just perpetuating your own stereotypes, don’t you? It’d be like if I made a film about people getting fat off of fast food and set it in the U.S….or if I made a movie about people getting drunk and set it in Ireland…or if I made a rap album about being a street thug…don’t stop me now, I’m on a roll!

See it if you think I’m on a roll.

Delgo
This one was one of last year’s most colossal flops, so I suppose it should surprise no one that it took nearly a year for it to come out on DVD (especially since it was an independent production). I admit that I’m a little intrigued to see it, especially since the trailer made the animation look not-too-shabby. Mostly, though, I’d just like to know if it’s nearly as bad as everyone seems to think it was.

See it if you’re one of those people who will pay to see anything as long as it’s CGI.

The Mysteries of Pittsburgh
Mysteries of Pittsburgh that I’d like to see answered: (1) Why hasn’t your baseball team won the pennant since 1979, despite the awesomeness of its name? (2) Who came up with the idea to put coleslaw and french fries in your sandwiches? (3) Of the 57 Heinz varieties, which is the best (and it better not be the ketchup)? (4) Can I have your recipe for pierogies? (5) Seriously, sold any steel lately?

…I have no idea if this movie will answer any of those questions. I’m just sayin’.

See it if you just can’t get enough coming-of-age stories.

Obsessed
Hmmm…a stalker movie starring Beyonce Knowles? I’m trying to care…but…nope, sorry. I’m one of the biggest apologists I know for The Fighting Temptations, but that doesn’t change the fact that Beyonce can’t act (see: Cadillac Records). Add to that a terrible critical reception, and I’m starting to think this one might not be worth my time. Don’t let me stop you, though.

See it if Fatal Attraction is all rented out.

Funny People
Director/Producer Who Makes the Same Movie Over and Over Again, meet Actor/Producer Who Makes the Same Movie Over and Over Again. Okay, no one has a bigger love/hate relationship with Judd Apatow and Adam Sandler than myself. Most of the time they annoy me, but occasionally they make something incredible (Freaks and Geeks and Punch Drunk Love being good examples). Anyway, the trailers for this look pretty funny, and it’s just possible that working together may be the change-up they each need to make something new and awesome. Besides, who doesn’t want to see Adam Sandler on screen with Seth Rogen? Wow, a lot of hands went up. Um…my mistake.

See it if you don’t have time to watch both Funny Girl and Ordinary People

Aliens in the Attic
Of course, this one is the sort of “family” film that makes most people’s skin crawl: B-list cast + hackneyed premise that’s completely explained in the title (see also: Hotel for Dogs, The Indian in the Cupboard). I had more-or-less no desire to see it, but then I noticed it has Ashley Tisdale in it. Say what you will, but she was always one of the best things about the High School Musical franchise. So, if nothing else, there’s that.

See it if you just can’t wait for Spielberg to reboot the  E.T. and Gremlins franchises

The Collector
I assume The Collector is like The Bone Collector, except a little less picky about what he collects? Okay, I know nothing about this movie…let me look it up on ye olde Wikipedia…wait, what? Seriously, this is straight from the article: “the script was originally intended to be a Saw prequel, but the producers did not want to do a prequel.” Okay, now I’m really confused — someone didn’t want to make another Saw movie? Sorry, you lost me. I just…um…I have no idea what to think about that. I’m done.

See it if you just can’t get enough Saw movies that aren’t actually Saw movies (see also: Hostel)

The Union: The Business Behind Getting High
From what I hear, this Canadian doc takes a long, hard look at the entire industry set up around the illegal sale of marijuana, and then discusses the overall effects of its prohibition. Its only theatrical release was at film festivals, but it won the usual awards, and I’m definitely intrigued to learn more about the much-maligned cannabis plant. The recent spate of mafia wars in Mexico should have (I hope) reminded us that the criminalization of the drug affects us all — not just the potheads out there.

See it if you liked The Corporation, Super High Me or probably any Cheech and Chong movie

An American Affair
Okay, this one got terrible reviews, but I’m still intrigued. Apparently, it’s a drama about JFK and his various — *ahem* — exploits. Gretchen Mol is rumored to give a pretty good performance in this one, and there’s intrigue, sex and mystery, and — what can I say? — it’s set in the 60’s, and I’m a sucker for that era. Sign me up.

See it if you liked The American President or JFK

Acolytes
I hadn’t heard of this one at all before researching this post, and the title is so generic that I’m not even sure if I have the right poster to the left there. Whatever. It’s an Australian horror flick about some kids who run afoul of a serial killer. I know, original, right? But it’s sitting at an 83% at Rotten Tomatoes…which is nothing to sneeze at, for a horror film.

See it if you like either (1) Australians or (2) serial killers

Miss March
Okay, so here’s the thing…the Playboy enterprise can’t make money off of selling porn anymore. I mean, no one really can, since everyone’s giving it away on the Internet, right? So how do they bring in the cash? They sell their name. You know, like those purses with rhinestone bunnies on them? The ones that lousy parents buy for their ten-year-old girls? Yeah. And I really should hate it. I really should. Especially when it comes to theatrical films that are clearly intended to sell hedonistic lies to young crowds. But The House Bunny was just so funny. And the premise behind this one (guy gets knocked into a coma the night of his senior prom, then wakes up a decade later to find that his date is a Playmate) is just funny enough that I almost want to see it…even if it’s terrible (which it apparently is). Yep, Mr. Hefner is leading us all down a moral sewer, but whatever. I guess I should go get my moral compass adjusted.

See it if you think Hugh needs another ivory backscratcher.

Bart Got a Room
This is choice #2 for those of you looking for a nerd-gets-lucky-on-prom-night movie. Odds are it’s considerably better than Miss March, but I can’t really find any info on it. It’s sitting right around 50 at Metacritic, so who knows. Could be great, could be awful, but either way I’d probably enjoy it. Check it out if you’re like me…you know who you are.

See it if you wonder who Bart is and what kind of room he got

Dragonball: Evolution
In Japan, nothing’s official until it’s adapted into anime…in the U.S., nothing’s official until it’s a feature-length, live-action film. So the Dragonball franchise started out as manga (Japanese comic books), and it became a hit, so they made it into an anime series. Then the anime series was a hit in the U.S., so they made the obligatory live-action film. Also, they gave it the subtitle Evolution, because there’s a law in Hollywood that every sequel or remake has to be subtitled either Evolution or Requiem. (One wonders if anyone in Hollywood even knows what evolutions or requiems are. Whatever.) I won’t pretend to be an anime afficianado, and I didn’t see this one, but I hear it’s decent if you’re a fan. So there you go.

See it if you know what a Super Saiyan is.

Fast & Furious
And speaking of awkwardly titled sequels…okay, I know this is obvious, and I know no one cares but me, but indulge me for a second. The first film was The Fast and the Furious. Kind of cheesy, but they movie was kind of cheesy too, so it worked. Then the second was 2 Fast 2 Furious. It was at that moment that I knew someone really stupid was in charge of naming these things. (Not to mention that that godawful pun doesn’t even work in any language other than English…I was in Mexico when that one came out, at it was promoted there as +Rapido +Furioso. I have no idea how you’re supposed to say that out loud.) The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift sort of made sense…if you take it as an admission that “This movie really has nothing to do with the other two, but we know you’re more likely to see it if we borrow their title.” But Fast & Furious? Really? That’s like making a a sequel to Rambo III and calling it Rambo…oh, wait.

See it if you have a shrine to Vin Diesel in your bedroom

But if you’re determined to take in a new film this week, here are your choices…

The Ugly Truth
Yet another generic romantic comedy about a career-obsessed woman who needs a man? Ugh, how little enthusiasm can I come up with for this one? The fact that it makes my top spot tells you something about your other choices, I guess. Whatever.

See it if you liked How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days or What Happens in Vegas

Orphan
Yet another generic horror flick about a creepy kid that’s deeply offensive to the people trying to make the world a better place by promoting adoption? Once again, ugh. At least the poster’s kind of creepy without seeming overly cliche. Then again, if they’re consciously trying to ride the coattails of Guillermo del Toro’s The Orphanage with that title…bleh.

See it if you can’t wait for the next remake of The Omen

G-force
Yet another family comedy with talking CGI animals and would-have-been-hip-six-months-ago dialogue? Say it with me now: Ugh. At least Jerry Bruckheimer and Disney are still getting along…mainly for the same reason that Bill Gates and Warren Buffett get along, if you follow me. You all know I’m not a Harry Potter fan, so listen carefully: If your kids beg to go to a movie this weekend, take them to Potter. Please.

See it if you liked Cats and Dogs or Spy Kids

Remember Mad Libs? The best fill-in-the-blank word game ever!? Well, I combed the Internet and found a suitable one. I’ll be changing it ever-so-slightly to make it fit all of the following new releases:

The [ADJECTIVE] [NAME] and the always [ADJ.] [NAME] reunite after [NUMBER] years. This time, the [ADJ.]  [PLURAL NOUN] are [GERUND] the [PLURAL NOUN], a [NOUN] that leads them on a [ADJ.] chase from [PLACE] to [PLACE]. A [NOUN] for the whole [NOUN]!

Ready? Go!

Coraline –
The UBIQUITOUS DAKOTA FANNING and the always OMG SO GOTHZ HENRY SELICK reunite after INFINITY? years. This time, the CREEPY CLAY MODELS are ROCKING the 3-D, a TREND that leads them on a KID-FRIENDLY chase from REALITY to THE NIGHTMARE REALM. A FRIGHTFEST for the whole FAMILY!

See it if you’re at all interested in animation, children’s literature, or kiddie horror

The Soloist –
The NO-LONGER DRUG-ADDLED ROBERT DOWNEY, JR. and the always VERSATILE, IN A GOOD WAY JAMIE FOXX reunite after A MILLION? years. This time the DUO are PLAYING the BEETHOVEN, an ARTISTIC ENDEAVOR that leads them on an OH-SO-DRAMATIC chase from THE STREETS OF NYC to CARNEGIE. A DRAMA for the whole DOWNEY-LOVING CROWD!

See it if you’re not sick of seeing Jamie Foxx play music or Robert Downey, Jr. be awesome

The Class -
The FRENCH LAURENT CANTET and the always FRENCH FRANCOIS BEGAUDEAU reunite after GOD ONLY KNOWS years. This time the FRENCH DUDES are ADAPTING the NOVEL, a TRIED-AND-TRUE FORMULA that leads them on an ARTHOUSE-Y chase from SOME CLASSROOM to THEIR INNER PSYCHES. A PIECE OF CINEMA VERITE for the whole TURTLENECK-WEARING SET!

See it if your tastes tend to align with those of the critical establishment.

Adventureland
The UNKNOWN SOME ACTOR and the OVERRATED DUDE WHO DIRECTED SUPERBAD reunite after WOW, THIS PART OF THE MAD LIB ISN’T WORKING OUT SO WELL years. This time the GENERIC COMING-OF AGE STORIES are TAKING PLACE AT an AMUSEMENT PARK, an ARBITRARY LOCALE that leads them on a SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED chase from THE TOP OF THE ROLLERCOASTER to MORE OR LESS THE SAME PLACE, ACTUALLY. An OPIATE for the whole MASSES!

See it if you feel like indulging your baser instincts.

Crank: High Voltage
The MARGINALLY NOTABLE MARK NEVELDINE and the always EQUALLY MARGINALLY NOTABLE BRIAN TAYLOR reunite after THREE (WOW, IT WORKED THIS TIME) years. This time the JASON STATHAM is CLAMPING the JUMPER CABLE ONTO HIS FREAKING TONGUE!!!, a NECESSITY that leads him on an ADRENALINE-FUELED chase from THE SUBLIME to THE UTTERLY RIDICULOUS (MOSTLY THE LATTER). A BUNCH OF EXPLOSIONS for the whole CULTURALLY LOBOTOMIZED!

See it if you’re like me, and added the movie Crank to your Netflix queue against the better advice of friends and well-wishers

I Love You, Man
The I DON’T REALLY KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PAUL RUDD and the always I COULDN’T CARE LESS ABOUT JASON SEGEL reunite after ZERO, MORE OR LESS years. This time the GROOM is SEEKING the BEST MAN, a BIT OF REPRESSED HOMOEROTICISM that leads them on a BROAD (GET IT? ANYONE?) chase from the TUX-RENTAL SHOP to the ALTAR. A BUDDY PICTURE/ROM-COM HYBRID for the whole BUNCH OF GUYS TRYING TO COMPROMISE WITH THE CINEMATIC TASTES OF THEIR WIVES/GIRLFRIENDS!

See it if you can think of a reason I should care about these guys…

Watchmen –
The HOLLYWOOD-HATING ALAN MOORE and the always ALAN-MOORE-TOLERATING HOLLYWOOD reunite after FOUR years. This time the SUPERHEROES are HAVING the PERSONALITY FLAWS, a NOW-OVERDONE IDEA that leads them on an EXISTENTIAL chase from MARS to THE SOUTH POLE. A NERD-FEST for the whole OF NERD-DOM!

See it if you’re the one comic book geek who hasn’t already seen it multiple times in theaters.

State of Play
The LARGE ENSEMBLE CAST and the always PARTISAN WASHINGTON, D.C. reunite after NOT NEARLY ENOUGH years. This time the HOLLYWOOD STUDIOS are RIPPING OFF the BBC, a TRIED-AND-TRUE FORMULA that leads them on an INTRIGUING chase from SOME POLITICAL DEALIE to SOME OTHER POLITICAL DEALIE. An AMERICANIZED CLIFFS NOTES for the whole ENGLISH-SPEAKING WORLD!

See it if you liked Murder at 1600 or Traitor

Duplicity
The MEH JULIA ROBERTS and the always EQUALLY MEH CLIVE OWENS reunite after FIVE years. This time the SPIES THAT THEY TOTALLY PLAY are FALLING FOR the EACH OTHER (THAT MAKES SENSE, RIGHT?), an AWKWARD SITUATION that leads them on an INCOGNITO chase from NEW YORK CITY to SWITZERLAND. A MOVIE (IT TOTALLY IS!) for the whole ACTUALLY, NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, PROBABLY THE SAME SET AS I LOVE YOU, MAN, EXCEPT WHEN THEY’RE SOBER.

See it if you liked True Lies, Fun with Dick and Jane or Mr. and Mrs. Smith

Race to Witch Mountain
The MUSCLEHEADED DWAYNE JOHNSON and the always MONEY-GRUBBING WALT DISNEY CO. reunite after TWO (!!!) years. This time the EXECS are DEMANDING POINTLESS REBOOTS OF the PAST DISNEY FRANCHISES NO ONE REMEMBERS ANYWAY, a MOSTLY POINTLESS ENDEAVOR that leads them on a HIGH-SPEED (YEP!) chase from UM…SOMEWHERE to WITCH MOUNTAIN. A BABYSITTING MOVIE for the whole TWEEN SET!

See it if you thought Push was too gritty

Hannah Montana: The Movie
The LIKE I’M EVEN GOING TO TRY TO CARE ABOUT THIS MILEY CYRUS and the always STILL MONEY-GRUBBING WALT DISNEY CO. reunite after NO TIME AT ALL years. This time, the MONEY is LEAVING the WALLET IN YOUR POCKET, a I’M TOTALLY DONE THINKING OF NEW STUFF TO SAY that leads them on a NO, SERIOUSLY, I’M SICK OF THIS chase from HERE to WHATEVER. An ADVENTURE for the whole FAMILY (UNLESS YOU’RE OVER 13, OR MALE)!

See it if you think the song lyric “I got my sight set on you / And I’m ready to aim” actually makes sense.

See it if you think J.K. Rowling deserves another hundred million. (I mean, really. Her children need caviar, after all.)

[REC]
The original Spanish version of that horror movie called Quarantine. I didn’t see Quarantine, but I did see [REC], and while I wasn’t blown away, it was a very well-made horror film that managed to maintain its tension despite a complete lack of new ideas. This one falls into the “found footage” category, like The Blair Witch Project, Diary of the Dead, Cloverfield, etc., etc., and it tells the story of a virus that turns people into bloodthirsty zombies. See what I mean? No new ideas. But if you’re looking for a good horror film, this is it — and these days, that’s saying something.

See it if you liked any of the movies I mention above.

Welcome to Macintosh
Your non-horror choice for the week, this documentary tells the story of the rise of Apple Computer. It’s a story that’s been told to death (Pirates of Silicon Valley is still worth seeing, by the way, even if it’s a bit cheesy and dated), but who knows? This picture could still have something interesting to say — even if the filmmakers did fail to interview either founding Steve (Jobs or Wozniak). I can’t find a review anywhere, but it could be worth a look. Possibly.

See it if you’re one of those obnoxious people who are always whipping their iPhones out in order to reinforce their hipster cred

The Haunting in Connecticut
Um…wow. Where do I start with this one? Which well-deserved witty barb should I fling at it first? Here, take your pick: (1) You know it’s a horror film because it has “The Haunting” in the title!!! (2) It’s a shame that non-horror films haven’t yet discovered the joy of pairing gerunds with definite articles. (3) If Jesus had known that the image of a crucifixion would be exploited out the wazoo in order to sell tickets to terrible horror movies, would he have gone through with it? (4) What’s great about that title is the ebb and flow of tension: it’s not just a haunting…it’s IN CONNECTICUT!!! (That’s right, the Nutmeg State!!! You’re terrified now, aren’t you?) (5) The only way to improve that title? Make it The Haunting…in Connecticut…BY GHOSTS!!! …Um, there. I think those about cover it, right? Feel free to add your own in the comments section below.

See it if you honestly don’t consider your time valuable. At all.

The Hurt Locker
Opening in limited release is this drama about the war(s) in the Middle East, starring Jeremy Renner, Ralph Fiennes, and Evangeline Lily. It premiered at the Venice Film Festival and won all sorts of awards that no one’s ever heard of. Roger Ebert gave it four stars, so it must be pretty good. Definitely worth a look.

See it if you liked Stop-Loss, Three Kings, or Blackhawk Down

I Love You, Beth Cooper
I seriously doubt this one will show up second on anyone else’s list, but I just can’t bring myself to recommend Bruno, no matter how many millions it will make off of the world’s drunken fratboys. This one doesn’t look like a classic, but it does look like a serviceable romantic comedy. Written by Larry Doyle (The Simpsons) and directed by Chris Columbus (Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets), it depicts the night together between the valedictorian and most popular girl in school following graduation. It probably won’t get any five-star reviews, but it could turn out to be Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist for those of us who aren’t pretentiously indie.

See it if you have a date. (A shallow one.)

Bruno
I imagine that everyone who’s going to see this one already knows about it. Something of a sequel to Borat, this one features another one of Sacha Baron Cohen’s characters from his comedy series Da Ali G Show (this one a gay fashion designer), traveling across the country and making people look stupid. I personally can’t get behind his schtick (”I out racists and homophobes by being racist and homophobic!”), but I do have to admit that his comedy has its occasional funny moments. See it if you want, but don’t make me listen to you list off every part that makes you laugh. Thanks.

See it if you’re convinced there’s still gold to be mined from the “guerilla comedy” genre

Anyway, this week you get everything below, plus a half dozen horror remakes and an Iron Maiden rockumentary that I won’t waste space on.

Five Fingers
There’s absolutely nothing in the way of information on this one out there…apparently, it’s a film about a jazz pianist who gets kidnapped by Moroccan terrorists and features Laurence Fishburne. It only received a very limited release in theaters, and was virtually ignored by the press. Could be the overlooked classic of the century, could be just a lousy film with lousy publicity. You see it and then let me know.

See it if you just can’t get enough of Hollywood’s take on the War on Terror.

Knowing
Nic Cage rushes to prevent the end of the world. Just a typical day in the life of Nic Cage, of course. I didn’t catch this one when it was in theaters, and Metacrtic is showing every possible rating between “0″ and “100.” To my way of thinking, the only thing worse than a disaster movie is a Nic Cage movie, but then again, it is possible that the badness of those two items, combined together, makes something awesome. Is there anyone who caught this one and wants to report? (Side note: This one’s title actually won an award for Blandest Use of a Gerund Ever [citation needed].)

See it if you’re buying into all this garbage about 2012 (and no, I’m not talking about Palin’s campaign).

Push
No, this one isn’t about the birth of a child…it’s just yet another movie about kids with Special Powers. It was released right at the height of Really Terrible Movie Season (i.e., the beginning of February), and it got Really Terrible Reviews — not that that necessarily means anything. It sounds to me like a bad mashup of Harry Potter and X-men, but I’ve been wrong before. It’s also got Dakota Fanning in it, in case you’re into Dakota Fanning.

See it if you’re into Dakota Fanning.

The Unborn
Well kids, here it is again. The movie that no one saw when it was in theaters, now available on DVD so no one can see it in the comfort of their own home. The touching story of a girl, her spontaneously aborted twin’s ghost, and a lot of tacky jump scares. See it today before it hits the bargain bin!

See it if you were offended by my dismissive tone.

Evil Bong 2: King Bong
I’m mainly including this last one to save my sanity here…I find the idea of this film much less annoying than the idea of The Unborn. Somehow, I missed out on Evil Bong 1 (I’m at a loss to explain my oversight there), but I kind of doubt that that will matter at all. This one combines all of my favorite genres: Stoner Flick, Horror Film, and Really Terrible Movie With No Budget. Also, the tagline on the box over there is “In 3D, if you’re stoned!” What’s not to love?

See it if you were too baked to get through the preceeding paragraph.

A screenshot from Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li. No, honest! I found it on the internets!

And what a thrilling day for movies it is. You guys are just going to salivate over this week’s new offerings. And I mean wide-eyed-erratic-heartbeat-tongue-lolling salivating.

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li
Now I’m happy to admit that I’m a video game nut. Even put in my fair amount of time on Street Fighter 2 Turbo back in the day. But this appeals to me about as much as dropping a rabid hedgehog down my pants does. Do the studios think gamers are so lobotomized that they would eat up something like this based on sheer name recognition alone? And perhaps the more important question: would gamers actually fall for it? Then again, the moviegoing populace on a whole happily forks over their hard earned greenbacks for films like Beverly Hills Chihuahua, so perhaps everyone is stupid and at the mercy of what Hollywood tells them to see.

Recommended if you’re an enormous Smallville fan and have been salivating (there’s that word again) for Lana Lang’s big screen debut.

Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience
I’d like to take a little time to focus on the word ‘the’ as included in the title of this film. It indicates a certain amount of finality; as if to say, “This is the definitive 3D concert experience, the only one that will ever matter.” It’s not THE Jonas Brothers 3D Concert Experience, which completely changes the emphasis. No, it’s THE 3D Concert Experience, with “Jonas Brothers” simply being a descriptor. I don’t know what all of this means, but I’m going to go cry in the corner now.

Recommended if you missed U2 3D in theaters, which was by no means superior in every respect to this film.

So pick your mouths off the floor and go see one of these films now!

Every week, new movies come out on DVD. And every week, most of them suck. And every week, it falls upon us here at MovieZeal to make fun of them. Oh, but that one up there? That one doesn’t suck. It’s also your best bet. Keep reading to find out what your worst bet is…

Dear Zachary: A Letter to a Son about His Father –
I have to admit that this one didn’t hit me quite as hard, on a gut level, as I expected it to — probably because everyone had told me, repeatedly, that it would hit me really, really hard. Still, this one is easily the most affecting documentary of the year, a shocking and enraging story of a selfish woman who murders her lover and then uses his child to manipulate the legal system and everyone close to her. It’s a painful viewing experience (and production values are — appropriately — almost nonexistent), but it’s also arguably the most important documentary of 2008: an enraged cry for legal reform, and — more to the point — an unblinking look at the evil that exists in the heart of mankind. Not “fun” by any means, but you owe it to yourself to sit through this one.

Recommended if you want to see something that actually is as important as all those Oscar-bait movies pretend to be

On the Other Hand, Death: A Donald Strachey Mystery
You can’t see it in that little thumbnail to the left, but the tagline for this one is “America’s Favorite Gay Private Eye is Back!” — which is, as you know, a good thing. I can only speak for myself, of course, but I was getting awfully sick of America’s second-favorite gay private eye hanging around all the time (seriously — doesn’t he have a job, or something?). Frankly, I’m not sure why we needed to have a favorite gay private eye in the first place — when I need to find a Maltese falcon, I don’t much care if my hire is into dudes or not, so long as he does his job. But anyway, I see that this one is based on a book by popular GLBT author Richard Stevenson, and it features a great performance from Margot Kidder, and it gives me an excuse to use the double entendre “gay private dick” — when, praytell, will I get another chance to do that? Oh, and that title? Just fabulous.

Recommended if…yeah, I should probably stop there.

What Just Happened
Presenting…your annual dose of Hollywood navel-gazing! I saw this one, and I’m still not really sure what it was about, but it seemed like it was a pretty good movie. Probably. Robert De Niro is a Hollywood producer attempting to get everyone to compromise their artistic vision, and Bruce Willis is a painfully hilarious caricature of himself. Oh, and also a dog gets shot repeatedly. It didn’t really have a plot, and I didn’t care about any of the characters…but hey, the DVD I watched was marked with the words “For Your Consideration,” so I think that means it was good. I dunno. If Hollywood says it’s good, it must be.

Recommended if you live in L.A. and can therefore tell what the heck this movie is actually about

Sex Drive
I really wanted to do this one for the ol’ podcast…seriously, I put in my vote and everything. (We do vote, right guys? Or maybe I’m thinking of my fantasy lacrosse league. Whatever.) We ended up not doing it, so I never got around to seeing it, but I’ll stand by what I said back then: the trailer makes it look darned funny. And yes, I’m speaking as someone who, in general, believes that teen sex comedies (The Reader, et. al.) are a blight on the planet. Any genre has potential if you do it right, though (see: Heaven’s Gate), and this one just might be the long-foretold savior of American Pie and its ilk. And speaking as someone who’s never seen this movie or even read any reviews, I’m pretty much an expert.

Recommended if you like teen sex comedies, or if you don’t and think I’m right about this one.

The Haunting of Molly Hartley –
It’s getting hard to dislike a horror movie just because it sucks. I mean, heck, it’s been so long since a good one was made that I’m starting to think that maybe “sucking” is a convention of the genre. Y’know, just like “stupid teens”, “creepy pre-teens”, “tacky jump scares preceded by long violin screeches”, “gratuitously slandering the good name of Satan”, and “giving away all the best parts in the trailer” are. Not coincidentally, this movie manages to touch on most or all of these conventions (yes, including the sucking part).

Recommended if you were surprised to learn just now that there are, in fact, horror movies that don’t suck.

I’ll give it to you straight…there’s really nothing even remotely good coming out this week. But here’s your consolation prize if you live near a theater in the AMC chain (and pretty much everyone and their dog does, right?): This Saturday, they’ll be showing a marathon of all five films nominated for the Best Picture Oscar, and tickets are only $30 each ($25 if you’re a member of their Movie Watcher club), and that includes a bottomless popcorn. That really isn’t too bad of a deal, if you don’t have any Saturday plans. Having seen all five nominated films, I can honestly say that at least two of them are arguably worth paying money to see, and — well — I’ll say it again: BOTTOMLESS. POPCORN. Seriously. Here’s the link to the info site. Check it out.

Anyway, new releases. And such.

Tyler Perry’s Madea Goes to Jail
You’re not going to find a title much more obvious than that. Seriously, is there anything I could tell you about this movie that’s not already in the title? Maybe if they had called it Tyler Perry Writes, Directs and Stars in a Movie in Which His Popular Recurring Character Medea Goes to Jail, Causes Funny Things to Occur, and Learns Valuable Life Lessons in the Process? Yeah, that’s pretty good. I should get Tyler on the phone and see if he’ll buy that title from me.

Recommended if the whole “man in drag” thing is still clever and witty to you.

Fired Up
Hey, and speaking of comedic premises that have been done to death and I hope I never see again…two football players quit the team and go out for the cheerleading squad in hopes of scoring some poontang. Sounds subtle, sophisticated, and charming all around. Actually, I do have to tip my hat to this one a little bit. After all, it’s a sex comedy where the football players are the heroes, not the villains. This really is a big step forward for members of the campus jockocracy everywhere. Now all we need is a slasher film where the killer goes after the virgins.

Recommended if you liked Porky’s, American Pie, Superbad, etc….and you still think watching guys try to get laid is absolutely hilarious.

The cast of High-School-frickin'-Musical-3. Haters can take a trip. :)

Well kids, my favorite guilty pleasure of the year is now out on DVD. Talk to me in month, when I’m done watching it over and over. (Well, I’ll take a short break, at least.)

High School Musical 3: Senior Year –
The High School Musical franchise isn’t for everyone, of course. I know our fearless leader Evan would rather get the ol’ icepicks under the fingernails treatment than sit through this one, but for my part, I loved it. I loved it so much that I made my wife (who hates the franchise more than Evan) take me to it a second time. And now that it’s on DVD, I’ll make her sit through it again and again. Isn’t marriage great? Anyhoo, this one’s pretty much more of the same, but on a bigger and better scale. Ideally, you should have seen it in theaters, but if you pick up a Blu-ray and watch it on a big ol’ hi-def screen, it should be almost as good.

Recommended if you don’t take your musicals too seriously (those who think Andrew Lloyd Weber is a genius need not apply)

The Midnight Meat Train
You’re the owner of a successful independent movie studio with a pretty good horror movie ready to be released. Do you: (a) pre-screen it for critics, to make sure people know it’s worth the eight bucks, (b) release it into as many theaters as possible along with a marketing barrage to ensure a big opening weekend, or (c) dump it into a handful of second-run theaters and then release it on DVD a few months later? Guess which one Lionsgate decided to go with. Seriously, I don’t know if this one is any good, but it can’t be too much worse than The Eye, which Lionsgate pushed harder than Sisyphus on his first day in Hades.

Recommended if you liked The Silence of the Lambs or Seven

Changeling –
Clint Eastwood just isn’t having the Oscar-filled year he apparently wanted. Changeling turned out to be too stodgy (and not Holocaust-related enough) for the Academy, and the Gran Torino was just…too weird. This one’s a pretty unassuming thriller about a mother who loses her son, only to have him replaced with a different one and see the case swept under the rug. I enjoyed it despite its shortcomings, but most people I know who saw it were bored out of their minds. Angelina Jolie’s up for Best Actress for her performance…take that for what it’s worth. (And for even more Changeling fun, check out episode nine of our podcast!)

Recommended if you’re experiencing some serious 1920’s nostalgia (I know I am)

Religulous –
Bill Maher sets out to prove that he can be just as self-righteous, preachy, and obnoxious as the religious people he hates. He succeeds with flying colors. This just may be one of the funniest movies of the year — and also one of the most vacuous. Odds are, it won’t change the way you think about anything, but it just might dig you deeper into your rut. And that is definitely what human discourse needs right now. (And for even more Religulous fun, check out…eh, you know the rest.)

Recommended if you think you invented freethought

Flash of Genius
The (Hollywoodized) life of Robert Kearns, who invented the intermittent windshield wiper, only to have the idea stolen by Ford, who refused to compensate him for it. Of course, in real life, the ensuing legal battle destroyed his marriage and turned him into a paranoid schizophrenic. I’m not sure how much of that made it into this movie — frankly, it puts a bit of a damper on the “inspiring” angle they seem to be going for. Still, it’s an interesting story either way, and after watching Ghost Town, I’m a bit of a Greg Kinnear fan. So count me in.

Recommended if you liked Tucker: The Man and His Dream or October Sky

Quarantine
I missed this one when it was in theaters, but I really enjoyed the Spanish-language original (which was titled [REC], in  case you feel like Googling it).  It’s one of those “OMGZ GUYZ THIS FOOTAGE IS LIKE TOTALY REALZ!!!” movies (like The Blair Witch Project and Cloverfield), so I can understand why they remade it (having to read the subtitles distanced me a bit too much to really get into the original version). That said, it got middling reviews, so it might not be worth your time. But if you do decide to skip this one, be sure to check out [REC].

Recommended if Diary of the Dead was too much fun for you.

Choke
Another one I missed, and don’t really regret missing all that much. It’s the latest adaptation of the work of Chuck Palahniuk of Fight Club fame, but this hero is addicted to sex instead of violence (Chuck sure does have his finger on the American pulse, doesn’t he?). I tried to read the book a while back and I couldn’t make it through (and, for reference’s sake, I devoured Fight Club in a weekend). Take that for what it’s worth.

Recommended if you saw the book and said “Meh…I’ll wait for the movie,” and then you saw the poster for the movie and said “Meh…I’ll wait for the DVD.”

Body of Lies
So Leonardo DiCaprio, Russel Crowe, and acclaimed director Ridley Scott walk into a bar in the Middle East…

Just finish that joke however you want, and it’s probably more or less how this movie goes. Suffice it to say that this genre doesn’t really get my blood going, but if intrigue and explosions are your cup of awesomeness, have at it.

Recommended if you liked Traitor and can’t wait for more.

How to Lose Friends and Alienate People
As I understand it, the cleverness of this one starts and ends with its title. And they took the title from the book, so it might not even count. It’s supposedly based on the memoir of magazine writer Toby Young, but it looks a bit more like something the Farrelly Brothers pulled out of their proverbial Where the Sun Don’t Shine. And I really mean that, with every facet of irony fully intended.

Recommended if you’re wondering how. Duh.

Alien Raiders
Okay, this one’s almost undoubtedly the same ol’ direct-to-DVD dreck, but I just have to mention it. I noticed that it was directed by Ben Rock, who was the production designer for Blair Witch, and he’s also one of those people who fairly obviously wrote their own Wikipedia entries. Some gems from his: “Rock’s career was launched when he served as production designer on the independent sensation The Blair Witch Project…and… Shadow of the Blair Witch, which Rock wrote, produced, and directed promoting the release of the sequel, Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 that many deemed better than the film itself.” Part of me wants to say that anything was probably better than Blair Witch 2; part of me wants to say it’s sad that he felt the need to point that out.

Recommended if you just won a lifetime supply of Skittles and you need something playing on TV while you polish them off.

Clive Owens and Naomi Watts in 'The International'

Apparently, Friday the Thirteenth is bad luck. Not only is it bringing us a needless reboot of its eponymous franchise, it’s also giving us a movie with both “confessions” and “shopaholic” in its title. That can’t possibly be a good sign.

The International
What if the world’s largest corporation was lawless, abusive, and downright evil?!! It would be, um, just like real life. (If that doesn’t get me a contract with Air America, I don’t know what will.) This one is from German director Tom Tykwer (of Run Lola Run fame), and stars Clive Owens and Naomi Watts. It also looks like a taut little thriller (I’ve seen the trailer, so I’m pretty much an expert), which makes it my top pick for the week. Actually, it’s my top pick for the week because your other two choices are…well, see for yourself…

Recommended if you wished The Corporation had had, y’know, a plot

Confessions of a Shopaholic
I was wracking my brain for something to say about this one…suffice it to say that it’s just not targeted toward my demographic. At all. If those two capitalized words get your blood going (fans of St. Augustine’s Confessions need not apply), you know who you are. This one’s pretty much got “girls’ night out” written all over it: shopaholic, who writes for fashion magazines, in Manhattan, falls in love with a millionaire. Um…wow. I’ll just stop there.

Recommended if you liked Bridget Jones’s Diary or How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

Friday the 13th
Ah, the 2000’s. The decade that will be forever remembered as the one when Hollywood ran out of ideas and resorted to repeatedly ripping off the 80’s. Here’s a question for discussion: Which is worse: the innumerable horror remakes, which are honest about what they are (Halloween = Halloween, Friday the 13th = Friday the 13th, etc.), or the innumerable sex comedy rip-offs, which pretend to be new movies (Porky’s = American Pie, Risky Business = The Girl Next Door, etc., etc.)? Anyway…um, yeah. This one’s not worth any more words. I’m done here.

Recommended if you forgot how to rent DVDs

'Frozen River'

So, after a couple weeks of doing this, I’m starting to realize they’re, like, twice as much work as the “Theater Releases” posts. Let’s all have a round of applause for Evan Derrick. (I’m waiting for my big bonus check, Evan.)

Frozen River
I missed this one when it was in theaters — being that I live in that cultural hotspot known as Tulsa, Oklahoma — but I hear that it’s quite a devastating little indie drama. It’s the sad tale of a starving woman who has to resort to working in the human trafficking industry — smuggling in illegals from Canada — in order to feed her kids. Not for anyone looking to have a great time, but certainly for those who want to ponder the dilemmas of humanity, be moved to create change, or just impress their self-consciously indie friends with some lo-fi goodness. Daniel Getahun gave it a B+.

Recommended if you liked Chop Shop or 4 Months, 3 Weeks, and 2 Days

Miracle at St. Anna
One of approximately a billion World War II movies to come out at the end of last year, this one bears the distinction of being one of the few that didn’t win much critical acclaim (let alone Oscar buzz). There are several reasons for that: (1) it came out too early in the year, (2) it was directed by Spike Lee (a bit too controversial for the Oscar voter crowd), and (3) it didn’t mention the Holocaust nearly enough times. Well, you can’t win ‘em all, Spike. I still believe in you!

Recommended if you liked Valkyrie, Saving Private Ryan, or Glory

My Name is Bruce
Bruce Campbell plays himself, except he has to fight Chinese war deity Guan Di (just like in real life, of course). If you don’t know who Bruce Campbell is, this film is probably isn’t for you. (But if you’re really wondering: He starred in Sam Raimi’s Evil Dead series, and went on to become the undisputed king of cheesy cult films, the best of which was arguably Bubba Ho-tep, in which he plays an elderly Elvis fighting an undead mummy. Highly intellectual stuff.)

Recommended if you’re a Canadian named Colleen who likes to write haikus

The Guitar
A woman finds out she has a terminal illness, and decides to pursue her dreams — dreams which apparently involve becoming a rockstar. Could be profound, could be the Lifetime movie of the week. Probably the latter, but I’d be willing to take a chance on it.

Recommended if Ikiru is out of your league

Blindness –
Sci-fi thriller in which Julianne Moore proves the old adage “In the world of the blind, the two-eyed girl is queen”…or, um, however that one goes. I was excited to see this one…until I saw the abysmal reviews. It seemed like every critic (including our own Josh Ickes) found something new to complain about. Well, I’m sure I could still enjoy it on some level. Like, maybe the “I’m-glad-I-didn’t-make-a-movie-this-bad” level.

Recommended if you liked REC or Children of Men (and have low standards)

W. –
I’d call this one 2008’s dumbest attempt at courting controversy…if it wasn’t for Expelled, Religulous, An American Carol, and whatever else I’m forgetting. I would have thought that Fox News had already proved it, but the movie business seems determined to show that the Culture Wars make for lousy entertainment. Well, good job guys. Those of us at MovieZeal were divided over this one: I thought it was a braindead hackjob of a schoolyard taunt; Josh thought it was a probing and thoughtful look at a figure cloaked in relative mystery. Truth be told, it’s probably a little of both — which just might be the nicest thing you’ll get me to say about it. (Read Josh’s positive review here.)

Recommended if Blockbuster runs out of All the President’s Men

Soul Men
Heath Ledger acts in a silly popcorn movie and then dies, and he gets an Oscar nomination for it; Bernie Mac acts in a silly popcorn movie and then dies, and what does he get? Nuthin’. I hope someone on the Oscar nomination committee lost his job for that particular oversight.

Recommended if you liked Blues Brothers, Almost Famous, or The Rocker

Nights in Rodanthe
Oh, Richard Gere. You probably/maybe have talent (The Hoax mostly worked, right?), but all you ever want to do is syrupy chick flicks. And I don’t even mean the good kind of chick flicks, like While You Were Sleeping or Music and Lyrics. No, I mean the “Nicholas Sparks” variety of chick flicks, where impossibly sad women fall for impossibly perfect men. Y’know, the sort that ruin real marriages by distorting people’s expectations. I’ll forgive you for that, but I’ll never forgive Mr. Sparks for writing a book called Message in a Bottle. I just looked at his Wikipedia page, and now I can’t get that Police song out of my head.

Recommended if you liked A Walk to Remember, The Notebook, or Titanic

'Coraline'

So…between DVDs and theatrical releases, Dakota Fanning has four movies coming out this week. Serisouly, Fanning, take a vacation.

Coraline
I was totally going to go to a critics’ screening of this one, and then it slipped my mind. So I still haven’t seen it, but I have to say it looks pretty cool. Stop-motion animation (like CGI, kids, only better), digital 3D, based on a popular children’s book, spooky atmosphere…honestly, what more could you want? This one’s rated PG and directed by the same guy who did The Nightmare Before Christmas…so if you and/or your kids are looking to have a weekend that’s OMG SO GOTHZ, this is your obvious choice.

Recommended if you liked The Nightmare Before Christmas or James and the Giant Peach

Push
I guess this one is the choice if you’re feeling more ZOMG SO EMO (and yes, there’s a very subtle distinction). In this one, a group of teens with telepathic and clairvoyant abilities, one of whom is Dakota Fanning, have to escape an evil government conspiracy that wants to use their powers for…y’know…evil. Now I’m not saying that this sounds like a total rip-off of the popular X-men franchise, but…um…it sounds…like…a total…rip-off…of the popular X-men franchise.

Recommended if you fondly remember all those movies you sat through as a kid that were centered around a motley group of young heroes, all with their own special ability, who had to use said special abilities at key points in the story in order to overcome evil and learn to believe in themselves

He’s Just Not That Into You
How out of ideas do you have to be in order to resort to taking a best-selling work of non-fiction and then turning it into a formulaic romantic comedy? In terms of inspiration, this one ranks right up there with How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, but a surprisingly large number of big-name actors apparently thought this was a good idea: Drew Barrymore, Jennifer Aniston, Ben Affleck, and Scarlett Johansson (among others) all show up. Sounds like the biggest waste of established brand names I’ve seen in a while, but I’d still rather watch this than the next one on the list.

Recommended if you liked Love Actually (or if you like love, actually)

The #$%#ing Pink Panther 2
I’m sorry, but I can’t even pretend to be objective with this one. What do I hate more: the fact that Steve Martin hasn’t made a good movie in nearly twenty years, or the fact that Hollywood depends on an endless parade of pointless and insulting “reboots” just to pay the bills? I can only imagine what Steve Martin’s daily scehdule looks like: 6:00 am: Breakfast. 7:00 am: Take a dump all over the legacy of Peter Sellers. And seriously, what genious came up with that title? If nothing else, at least the sequels in the original series pretended to be different movies. Here’s some free advice: Hollywood thinks you’re a drooling, lobotomized idiot. That’s why they put derivitive crap like this in theaters. Every time you buy a ticket to a movie like this, you’re confirming that suspicion for them. SO PLEASE JUST @#$%ING DON’T.

Recommended if you want me to hunt you down.

…seriously.

Bill Pullman and Rachael Taylor in 'Bottle Shock'

Evan’s out of town on a much-deserved vacation, so you all get me this week. In other news, it appears to be the week for coming-of-age stories starring Dakota Fanning and set in the American south…enjoy.

The Singing Revolution –
I missed this doc when it was in theaters, but Evan’s four-star review definitely has me interested. This one tells the story of Estonia during the time of the U.S.S.R., how it was subjugated to Russia, and how the people fought back — simply by standing together and singing their national anthem every five years at the Russian-imposed choral celebration. In this simple, nonviolent act of rebellion, Estonians held onto their humanity and their hope and eventually achieved independence.

Recommended if you doubt the power of the human spirit.

Bottle Shock
As with almost anything else (cheese, art, cinema, etc.), French wine was long considered to be inherently superior to wine coming from any other geographical area. All this changed in 1976, when the California wine Chateau Montelena won an international blind taste test, sending shockwaves throughout the international grape-worshipping snob community. This fictionalized account is a great feel-good comedy, featuring some astonishingly beautiful shots of Napa Valley and a dryly hilarious performance from Alan Rickman. We never did get a review of it up, but we do discuss it in episode three of our podcast. Spoiler: all three of us loved it. (And as a side note: Sideways, the other film we discuss, comes out on Blu-ray today.)

Recommended if you like wine but hate pretension

Afro Samurai: Resurrection
I admit that I had never heard of Afro Samurai before researching this post (aside from noticing that some songs from the soundtrack occasionally play on my Pandora Radio account), but it’s just too weird not to mention. Apparently, this one is the unnecessary sequel to the anime TV series, which features a samurai with the voice of Samuel L. Jackson and a hairstyle from the 1970’s competing to be “Number One,” whatever that means. In other words, it’s a dream come true for all the anime dorks out there. In other news, why are the subtitles for sequels always either “Resurrection,” “Requiem,” or “Evolution”? Seriously: the movie business needs to learn some new big words.

Recommended if you always wished Cowboy Bebop and Snakes on a Plane were the same movie.

Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist –
I know I only gave this one two stars when it was in theaters, but part of me says I’d like it better if I gave it another chance. I saw it in the early evening with a theater full of teenagers who ate up all its worshipful nods to unprotected teen sex and superficial individuality; that was more than enough to turn me off. If I was watching late at night on DVD with a few close friends, I’d probably be more generous to it. In any case, I’d rather watch it than the next several choices.

Recommended if you spend all your free time scrolling through your iPod and smiling to yourself

Killer Movie
Apparently, this is a campy horror-comedy about the crew for a reality television being trapped in a small town where a killer is on the loose. Well, anything that results in the deaths of the people who make reality TV can’t be all bad.

Recommended if you liked Scooby-Doo, Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon, or Baghead

The Secret Life of Bees
Sadly, we’re all white males here at MovieZeal (unless you count Heather, who’s rumored to be a white female), so none of us rushed to see a movie geared toward black females. It’s not that we’re particularly racist or sexist…there were just a heck of a lot of other movies coming out that week that had more explosions in them. This one got middling reviews, which means that you might like it, particularly if you want to see Dakota Fanning (of Little Miss Sunshine Charlotte’s Web fame) come of age as Queen Latifah’s adopted daughter.

Recommended if you liked The Color Purple, Waiting to Exhale, or The Jerk

Hounddog
Choice number two for those of you who can’t get enough Fanning. (Meaning enough of Fanning the actress, not like you constantly need fans running. If that’s the case, seek medical attention.) This one debuted at the Sundance Film Festival to abysmal reviews and created quite a bit of controversy in North Carolina, where it was filmed. The storyline involves the underage Fanning learning to sing the blues and getting raped, although not necessarily in that order. Actually, it’s in the exact opposite order, come to think of it.

Recommended if you’re hapless enough to mistake this one for The Secret Life of Bees

Zack and Miri Make a Porno
I’ve never been a huge Kevin Smith fan, but even I was surprised by how much this one got dumped on in the blogosphere. I assume that the main reason is that the aspiring film critics of today were in high school when he was big, and therefore could appreciate his juvenile sense of humor — and now that they’re mature enough to know what a hack he is, they feel betrayed. Anyway, this one’s about a pair of male and female “best friends” who attempt to make a pornographic film, and guess what gets in the way? Anyone who’s seen a romantic comedy since When Harry Met Sally should be able to give you a hint.

Recommended if you haven’t been on the Internet since 1996 (…oh wait).

Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa
For Hollywood, animation boils down to a simple equation: Talking Animals + Celebrity Voices + Videogame-Style Animation + Millions of Dollars in Shameless Promotion = $100 Million in Parents’ Money. I can’t really blame the folks at Dreamworks for going where the money is, but I really hope at least one of them saw WALL-E and felt just a teensy bit of shame.

Recommended if you can’t afford a babysitter.

Emily Browning and Arielle Kebbel in 'The Uninvited'

If you want all your friends to think you’re intellectual, you’ll go see one of the Oscar nominees this week, many of which are expanding yet again. (I don’t know about you, but I’m getting sick of TV ads that scream “NOMINATED FOR X NUMBER OF ACADEMY AWARDS!!!”, as if it’s somehow an accomplishment to make a stodgy period drama and then take out a bunch of servile ads in Variety.) But if you’re not pretentious, you have the following choices:

Taken
Liam Neeson is an ex-spy whose daughter gets kidnapped. Liam Neeson proceeds to kick serious bad guy butt. If that appeals to you, you know who you are. Personally, I’m all for some escapist action this week, and Evan tells me that this one delivers what it promises, so count it as first on my list. Plus, it’s French. So you know it’s sophisticated.

Recommended if you liked The Bourne Identity, Under Siege or Air Force One

The Uninvited
This one’s a remake of (surprise, surprise) an Asian horror flick, which doesn’t speak well for it at all, but all I know is that the TV trailer has one of the coolest special effects ever: someone drops a glass of milk on the floor, and it splatters into a puddle of black liquid (as opposed to milk). Now that is some nifty computer trickery. Aside from that, it looks like a pretty run-of-the-mill ghost story, and while I do prefer the current spook trend over the slasher films of yore, even I have to admit it’s getting old.

Recommended if you liked any of the identical movies to come out of Hollywood in the last ten years

New in Town
Renee Zellweger stars in a romantic comedy with something for everyone: jokes about underwear, jokes about people falling down, and even jokes about how people in Minnesota talk funny! Look, I could give you any number of reasons that this probably isn’t that good, but what I really can’t get over is how much the poster looks like the one for Reese Witherspoon’s 2002 vehicle Sweet Home Alabama. I’m going to guess that that’s a pretty good estimate of the amount of creativity here…right down to the condescending regional stereotypes that we’ve all seen a dozen times before.

Recommended if you wished Fargo was a rom-com.

Gerard Butler is not exactly having a "THIS IS SPARTA!" kind of day in Guy Ritchie's "RockNRolla."

Hey, movies are coming out! Today! Maybe some you haven’t seen! IT IS TEH AWESOMZ!

RockNRolla –
Guy Ritchie makes his big “comeback” with a film virtually indistinguishable from his earlier “successes.” Ok, despite my liberal use of “quotes,” I have a certain affinity for the dude’s one-note ultra-hip British gangster concoctions. They’re simple, for sure, and date themselves as soon as they hit theaters (I can only imagine how poorly Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels has held up), but in the guilty pleasure sense, they’re unrivaled.

Recommended if Ritchie’s one-trick pony hasn’t been flogged to death yet for you.

Vicky Cristina Barcelona –
Woody Allen, the poster boy for overachieving filmmakers, churns out his best work in years (apart from Match Point, which I love – haters can take a trip). I was more enamored with the scenery and the production design than the characters themselves, which are typical self-involved Allen creations, but the performances are top notch even if the scenario is a bit far fetched. Rebecca Hall (Vicky) and Scarlett Johannson (Cristina) run into Javier Bardem (Juan) and Penelope Cruz (Maria Elena) and fireworks and 3-ways ensue, although not necessarily in that order.

Recommended if you either 1) adore Mr. Allen or 2) compulsively watch the Travel Channel.

Roman Polanski: Wanted and Desired
A doc profiling the life and times of embattled director Roman Polanski (responsible for such classics as Rosemary’s Baby and Chinatown) who fled the country in the mid seventies amidst allegations of statutory rape. He hasn’t been back since (although that didn’t stop him from winning an Oscar for The Pianist). This film profiles the case and apparently brings legal indiscretions to light. In fact, things are still ongoing, as Polanski wants to return to the country and the Los Angeles D.A. still wants to prosecute.

Recommended if you liked The Thin Blue Line or Capturing the Friedmans.

Lakeview Terrace
Samuel L. Jackson plays a cop who terrorizes an interracial couple next door because he’s, you know, prejudiced. This one received middling reviews, so if Samuel L. screaming at some white dude (played by Patrick Wilson who is, actually, quite good) is up your alley, then by all means bowl away.

Recommended if you thought Snakes on a Plane needed more, you know, domestic racial undertones.

The Rocker
The Office’s Rain Wilson attempts to kick start his film career with this kick-em-in-the-nuts comedy. And when I say “kick-em-in-the-nuts comedy,” I mean it literally. The ad campaign for this one focused solely on Wilson’s character being smacked in the crown jewels with various heavy objects. Oh, in case you wanted to know what the film was actually about, Wilson plays a washed up drummer who gets a second shot with his nephew’s garage band. There. Enjoy.

Recommended if Andy and Dwight’s showdown on The Office didn’t have enough cojones cracking for you.

Fireproof
Inspirational Christian film about a firefighter who has to reach deep inside for the strength to save his marriage. I actually personally know some of the people who worked on this, so I’m gonna go easy on it, but suffice to say, “Not my bag, baby.”

Recommended if you think Facing the Giants is the best movie of all time.

Pride & Glory
Haven’t I seen this movie before? Like, 30 times before? Ed Norton and Colin Farrel play brothers in blue. One is corrupt, one isn’t, blah blah blah. It probably comes with a tagline like, “The thickest blood is blue” or some such cliched nonsense. Ok, I just checked IMDB…the official tagline is, “The last thing you want to uncover…is the truth.” Yup, pretty awful.

Recommended if you’ve never seen We Own the Night, Training Day, Dark Blue, Narc, etc. etc. etc.

Bin of Shame
College

Apparently, this is what you have to look forward to if you go see 'Outlander.'

If Oscar bait is your delight, this is your week — Frost/Nixon, Revolutionary Road, Slumdog Millionaire and The Wrestler are all finally expanding to theaters where you might actually be able to see them. Even The Dark Knight (which didn’t really receive the scads of Oscar nominations that everybody but me thinks it deserved) is being re-released to a select number of theaters. Also, opening in New York and L.A. is something called Donkey Punch…which sounds, um, extremely sophisticated.

Slumdog Millionaire
This is the Golden Globes’ choice for “best drama” of the year, and I think I’d have to say that I agree. It’s the story of a kid from the slums of India who wins on the local version of Who Wants to be a Millionaire (thus making trouble with some crooked cops), but it’s not really about slums, or game shows, or even corruption. What is it about? Well, you’ll just have to see it for yourself, but here’s a hint: it starts with “the triumph of” and ends with “the human spirit.”

Recommended if you like gameshows, gangster films, and Bollywood dance videos.

The Wrestler –
Another excellent film, just barely edged out by Slumdog. This one tells the story of a washed-up professional wrestler and his friendship with a stripper. It’s a sad, quiet tale of two people desperately selling their bodies, directed by critical darling Darren Aronofsky (Pi, Requiem for a Dream, The Fountain). In some sense, it doesn’t really overcome its “sports movie” roots, but there’s no reason that it should have to. Also, it ends with the triumph of the…ah, never mind.

Recommended if you wished Rocky Balboa was more tragic, or that Bigger, Stronger, Faster* was more fictional. (Or, alternatively, if you sit up late at night listening to Weird Al Yankovic’s 1984 classic “Theme from Rocky XIII (The Rye or the Kaiser)” over and over again.)

Outlander
I was hoping this one would be about Opus the Penguin discovering he was part of an ancient race of immortals (and thank you to the one person out there who actually got that). It turns out that it’s actually just a science fiction film about ancient Vikings fighting alien monsters with a fusion of space-age and iron-age technology (and stars James “Jesus H. Christ” Caviezel). Well, that’s almost as good, I guess.

Recommended if (and only if) you liked all of the following: Aliens, Wild Wild West, and Highlander.

Inkheart
Brendan Fraser plays a guy who can bring storybooks to life. Hey, haven’t we seen this before with some other equally talentless actor?

Recommended if it really bothered you that The Mummy and Bedtime Stories were two separate movies.

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans
The Underworld franchise has lasted long enough for a third installment? Believe me when I say that no one is surprised as I am. Apparently, its not-all-that-novel take on werewolves-vs.-vampires struck a chord with six-year-old boys with fake IDs everywhere. Anyway, this installment apparently takes you far into the past so you can learn the sordid backstory of the werewolf tribe. Not since The Godfather Part II has such prequelic gravity graced the silver screen.

Recommended if you’ve never heard of House of Frankenstein.

Chandni Chowk to China

Lots of different releases this week, though I can’t say I recommend that many of them. On the bright side, this would be a great time to hand out the “Snakes on a Plane Memorial Award for the Movie Title That Leaves Absolutely Nothing to the Imagination.” The envelope, please…

Chandni Chowk to China
If you’ve never seen a film from Bollywood (as the Hindi film industry is affectionately known), you really should check one out. They’re all chock-full of ridiculous stunts, dopey music videos, and awesome set design. They almost make Hollywood fare look tasteful and low-key by comparison. This particular one has the distinction of being the first Bollywood martial arts comedy, or so I’ve heard. You can watch the trailer here…now excuse me, but I’ve got to go buy a ticket.

Winner? Not quite. It does feature a character who goes from Chandni Chowk to China, but that title doesn’t tell us what he does once he gets there. Better luck next time, India.

Recommended if you liked Kung Fu Hustle, Shaolin Soccer or Kung-Pow!: Enter the Fist

Defiance
Probably the last WWII-milking piece of Oscar bait we’ll have to sit through this year, this drama features Daniel “Bond-James-Bond” Craig as one of a thousand or so Jews who build a settlement in the middle of nowhere to evade the Nazis. It’s gotten mixed reviews, but the trailer made it look decent. In any case, it’s a better bet than anything else this week.

Winner? Well, it is a movie about defiance, so it gets a few points. That title’s just not literal enough, though. Next!

Recommended if you liked The Boy in the Striped Pajamas, Valkyrie, or The Reader

Last Chance Harvey
Quiet little romantic comedy starring Dustin Hoffman and Emma Thompson, both of whom earned Golden Globe nominations for their work. He’s an American stranded in London, she buys him a pity drink. Something like that.

Winner? Doubtful. I still can’t figure out what that title means…though it does get some badness points for making me think about Good Luck Chuck.

Recommended if you liked An American Werewolf in London, but didn’t like the werewolf

My Bloody Valentine 3D
What can I say about this one? Yet another remake of an old horror movie, plus the ol’ 3D gimmick, plus one of the worst movie trailers ever. It’s either embarrassingly awful (count me in) or tedious and annoying (count me out).

Winner? Well, the title says exactly what it is (it’s My Bloody Valentine…in 3D!!!), but in order to “get it,” you have to possess a small amount of knowledge of film history, so…no.

Recommended if you’re looking for something to do with those 3D glasses you’ve had lying around since Bolt

Notorious
The life of famed hip-hop emcee Biggie Smalls, a.k.a. The Notorious B.I.G. I caught an early showing of this one, and I have to say it’s really for hardcore fans only, and even they won’t like it all that much. There’s just not much here.

Winner? That is a pretty lazy title (not to mention stolen from Hitchcock), but it’s not entirely obvious what the movie’s about from it, so…no. (But they may have won if they had stuck with the working title: Untitled Notorious B.I.G. Project.)

Recommended if you regularly check supermarket tabloids for Biggie sightings

Hotel for Dogs
Based on the novel by Lois Duncan, this family film tells the story of some kids setting up a hotel for…(wait for it)…dogs. Standard-issue canine hijinks ensue.

Winner? This one’s a close runner-up, but it’s just not quite as obvious as the one to follow…

Recommended if you liked Beethoven, Harriet the Spy, or The Spiderwick Chronicles

Paul Blart: Mall Cop
Paul Blart (Kevin James, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry) is a mall cop. Then the bad guys show up. Then you realize you’re out of popcorn. Then the ice in your soda has all melted, and you hate watered-down soda, so you go for a refill. Then, once you get back, that old lady sitting behind you is talking again, so you tell her to shut up. Then your cell phone rings. Then the credits roll, the lights come up, and some teenager sweeps the sticky floor while you leave.

Winner? …And the winner is, Happy Madison Productions for Paul Blart: Mall Cop! Happy Madison has won several times before, including a special award for the intrinsically redundant Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo. Accepting the award tonight is Adam Sandler, who has nothing better to do.

Recommended if you’d like to thank your mom and dad, the boys at the academy, and all the little people. Oh, this is just all too much.

Viggo Mortenson in Ed Harris's 'Appaloosa'

And the releases just keep on comin’. What I’ve found odd is how few new releases hit right before Christmas, and how many have hit immediately following. You’d think that retailers would capitalize on Xmas fever and dump all of their product early December, but December was a bit lean for new DVDs. But geez, look at the glut this week.

Appaloosa
Ed Harris tries his hand at directing a gritty, shades-of-gray Western, although the results were not widely appreciated amongst critics or filmgoers. Viggo Mortenson, Jeremy Irons, and Renee Zelwegger also star (as well as the director himself); and with a cast like that, it’s hard to say ‘no.’ Craig Kennedy bestowed 3 shoulder-shrugging stars upon it, which is better than, you know, no stars.

Recommended if you liked Unforgiven, 3:10 to Yuma, or The Proposition.

Blindsight
A documentary that begins by being about a group of blind, Tibetan children who set out to climb Lhakpa-Ri, a 23,000 ft. sister summit to Everest, and ends by being so much more. Part window into another culture, part extreme sports video, part human drama, Blindsight sounds riveting. Daniel Getahun gave it an A- back in June, so you know it’s worth a looksee.

Recommended if you liked Touching the Void. Which, by the way, if you haven’t seen, rent immediately!

Our Daily Bread
I don’t exactly know what this film is about, but I’m fascinated nonetheless. I believe it’s a montage of images chronicling the journey our food takes from the farms to the processing plants to the stores to our tables. It’s not making a statement, per se, simply engaging you in the process of how we get our daily bread. The production notes call it “a wide-screen tableau of a feast which isn’t always easy to digest – and in which we all take part.”

Recommended if you liked Koyaanisqatsi or Baraka.

Those little lying liars over at Amazon. Vicky Cristina Barcelona doesn’t actually hit DVD until January 27th. 
Vicky Cristina Barcelona –
Woody Allen, the poster boy for overachieving filmmakers, churns out his best work in years (apart from Match Point, which I love – haters can take a trip). I was more enamored with the scenery and the production design than the characters themselves, which are typical self-involved Allen creations, but the performances are top notch even if the scenario is a bit far fetched. Rebecca Hall (Vicky) and Scarlett Johannson (Cristina) run into Javier Bardem (Juan) and Penelope Cruz (Maria Elena) and fireworks and 3-ways ensue, although not necessarily in that order.

Recommended if you either 1) adore Mr. Allen or 2) compulsively watch the Travel Channel.

Humboldt County
A medical student, adrift on the rocky seas of life, finds himself stuck in a backwoods farming community for the summer. Oh, and farmer’s chief export is pot. See the poster there? Yeah, that’s a joint he’s standing on. The tagline reads “Welcome to the Lost Coast,” which I’m guessing is a marijuana referenece, but those things breed like rabbits, so I’m just fine with not knowing every single one. Oooh, I just found an online dictionary for pot slang. Kids these days, what with their green goddesses and their Thai sticks! I tell you what!

Recommended if you like your stoner comedies on the sophisticated side (and really, aren’t all potheads just intellectuals at heart?).

Tokyo Gore Police
So sue me, I can’t resist a title like that. Undoubtedly, the movie has little to offer except obscene amounts of blood and viscera, but sometimes you just gotta scratch that itch. Am I right? Right? Anyone? Yes? I’m not even going to bother looking up the plot synopsis; much like Snakes on a Plane, the title tells you everything you need to know.

Recommended if you, too, harbor a dark side that you don’t tell anyone about. Umm…. I mean, yeah. Whatever.

The Order of Myths
In the heart of the south (Mobile, AL to be exact), Mardi Gras is a deeply segregated affair. This doc follows parties and parades and participants (alliteration for the win!) and hops back and forth across the color line, showing you a world you are likely unfamiliar with, as well as broaching deeper questions of race and identity in our country today. I’m actually planning on taking a vacation just an hour south of Mobile in a few weeks; perhaps I’d better study up on the locals.

Recommended if you secretly watch My Sweet Sixteen but wish it had, you know, more of a racial edge to it.

Brideshead Revisited –
This is, supposedly, a “great” novel. I’ve never read it, nor heard of it, and while I don’t exactly immerse myself in the British classics, I’m not a complete dunderhead when it comes to literature. Purists will point to the 1981 British miniseries as the definitive work (it clocks in at a whopping 659 minutes), but if you like your great works abbreviated, you’ve got the 2 hour version right here. Luke liked it alright, so if you need some good English aristocratic period drama, then here ya go.

Recommended if you’ve burned a hole in your BBC Jane Austen series and desperately need something else.

Mirrors
Keifer Sutherland sees stuff in mirrors. Said stuff then comes out of the mirrors and proceeds to (surprise surprise) terrorize him and his family. Director Alexandra Aja, who was a French horror wunderkind in 2003 with High Tension, has since proven himself a mediocre import to American cinema (his last film was The Hills Have Eyes remake and his next film is Pirahna 3D – no punchline needed).

Recommended if you’re bored. Really bored. Like contemplating-eating-the-paint-off-the-baseboards bored.

Swing Vote –
Wouldn’t it have made more sense to release this on DVD right before the election, rather than afterwards, when everyone is pretty much bored with election politics? Obama the President is much more exciting than Obama vs. McCain, so whatever interest I might have had in this Kevin Costner melodrama about a good-ole-boy with the deciding vote has disappeared completely. Luke gave it 3 1/2 stars, but then again, this seems like the day for straight-down-the-middle average films.

Recommended if you felt The Postman was a misunderstood masterpiece.

Brick Lane
British immigration drama about a young Indian girl caught between two worlds. I’m sorry, I’m sure this is a wonderful film, but I cannot generate any enthusiasm for a premise like that.

Recommended if you, unlike me, go ballistic whenever “immigration drama” and “coming-of-age story” are mentioned in the same sentence.

Patti Smith Dream of Life
The only thing I find less interesting than coming-of-age immigration dramas is musical biopics. Granted, this is a documentary, but that does little to soften the blow for me. Also, is it a terrible thing that I don’t know who Patti Smith is? She does do musical stuff, right? Anybody want to call me a Philistine yet?

Recommended if you think I’m a Philistine.

Family That Preys
And now that I’ve come to the end of my list, I refuse to expend any energy on this. I know I’m in the wrong demographic, but I just don’t get Tyler Perry. At all. (However, I do admit that that is one cool poster.)

Recommended if a chainsaw toting grandmother is the equivalent of crack cocaine to you (heaven help us, it is for some people).

Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet in 'Revolutionary Road'

Hey friends. Welcome to the first “Theater Releases” post of 2009. I would have done one last week, except — well — there were no releases last week. None at all. Go fig.

I may as well admit my dark secret at this point: If anyone hadn’t figured it out yet, I really hate Oscars season. It’s that terrible time of year when theaters get clogged with derivative-but-pretentious period dramas that beg shamelessly for your acclaim. Frankly, it makes me gag…and every year I look forward to mid-February for some relief. But the point is this: I’d much rather sit through a bad movie that knows it’s bad than a bad movie that thinks it’s a masterpiece (namely, The Reader). That’s why The Unborn tops my list here, and why Bride Wars isn’t at the bottom (actually, it almost made it to second place, but I decided to give Leo and Kate the benefit of the doubt). Obviously, if you’re one of the three people in the world who still take the Oscars seriously, you have permission to reverse my ranking here.

The Unborn

Goes Something Like This: Odette Yustman is haunted by the ghost of a ten-year-old boy that she believes to be her twin, who died in utero. (Seems like he should be the same age as her…or possibly a fetus…but then again, what do I know?)

But It Would Have Been More Interesting If: They had worked abortion into the plot, in a cynical attempt to use political controversy to bolster box office performance.

Recommended if you liked Dark Water, The Ring, or pretty much any other horror movie that centered on a creepy kid.

Revolutionary Road

Goes Something Like This: Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet are a couple on the Titani…er, I mean, in 1950’s-era suburbia, who are dissatisfied with their careers, their suburb, and their relationship.

But It Would Have Been More Interesting If: Hollywood had made a movie about a suburban couple in the 1950’s who found their situation pleasant and fulfilling. Now that would have been a groundbreaking film.

Recommended if you feel that 1950’s culture hasn’t been treated as an artistic whipping-boy quite enough.

Bride Wars

Goes Something Like This: Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway are BFF, until they schedule their respective weddings at their mutual dream venue on the same day. Then the claws come out. Hilarity ensues. (Or not.)

But It Would Have Been More Interesting If: They compromised by each dumping their fiancés and having a big lesbian wedding extravaganza.

Recommended if you’re female (or if you’re like me and have a seriously embarrassing girly streak)

The Reader

Goes Something Like This: Kate Winslet stars in even more Oscar-bait, this time as the MILF who seduces the young, naive David Kross, just before the obligatory Second World War begins.

But It Would Have Been More Interesting If: Anything at all interesting had happened in the whole movie. Trust me on this one.

Recommended if you’re an awards season completist

Huang Lu in Li Yang's "Blind Mountain".

I know, I know, it’s been awhile. I won’t make excuses (ok, I will, a 3000 mile roadtrip over the course of 2 1/2 weeks with 2 small children, 45 total hours in the car, and 5 separate family groups – I am exhausted). But, I’m back in the saddle. Muchos gracias to Luke for keeping the car running in my absence.

It’s a big week for big releases, but they all – for the most part – suck big wind.

Blind Mountain
Which is why my #1 pick is a film I’ve never even heard of. I don’t know anything about this other than what I read in the synopsis when I was stumbling through Amazon’s releases, but it sounds fascinating. Set amidst China’s breathtaking countryside, a young girl goes on what she believes to be an herb hunting expedition and wakes up the slave/wife of another man. Critical accolades appear to abound, and after Up the Yangtze I am freshly interested in all things Chinese.

Recommended if you liked Up the Yangtze, Still Life, or The Children of Huang Shi.

Pineapple Express –
The one marquee busting release this week that is, perhaps, worth some of your time. Seth Rogan plays the exact same character he’s always played and, barring an act of God, will always play, but James Franco does a career about-face as the stoner to end all stoners, and Danny McBride continues to launch his rising star ever higher as an accident prone but seemingly invincible drug dealer. There are laughs to be had, although I thought it was a bit of the Apatow machine’s same-old-same-old.

Recommended if you flock to anything with Judd Apatow’s name on it like pre-teen girls flock to the Jonas Brothers.

The Grocer’s Son
Another release from Film Movement, this small, contemplative film set in the French countryside. A self-obsessed bachelor returns home after his father suffers a heartattack and goes about the business of running his family’s mobile grocery mart. Family drama and romantic travails ensue, of course, and bits of light comedy are sprinkled throughout. Daniel Getahun had 300 thoughtful words to say about it, so I’m intrigued.

Recommended if you liked Chop Shop, Fraulein, or Bottle Shock.

Ping Pong Playa
A sports comedy that pokes fun at Chinese-American sterotypes and throws in a dollop of hip-hop for good measure? Whaaaaaa? I don’t like sports comedies, nor do I like hip-hop, but that combination of disparate elements is hard to ignore. Could be gold, could be coal, but at the very least, it’s sure to be different.

Recommended if you wished Balls of Fury had been real and, uh, less sucky.

The Wackness –
This one rubs me in all the wrong spots. It, apparently, rubbed Luke the wrong way too. An unbearably “hip” coming of age story starring one of those Disney Channel kids (or is it Nickelodeon? Could Nick Nolte beat Gary Busey in a fistfight, or would their combined insanity end the universe as we know it? Does any of this matter?), it also features Ben Kinglsey slumming it and Mary-Kate Olsen as a love interest (or is it Ashley? Sigh. Here we go again). Not my cup of Java.

Recommended if you think Ben Kingsley smooching Mary-Kate is, uh, awesome.

Righteous Kill
Two of the greatest actors of our time on screen simultaneously! Playing the exact same characters they almost always play! See if you can spot the differences between them! Look at how exciting the script is! Glory in the not-at-all-generic storyline we’ve seen a gajillion times before!

Recommended if Gigli just isn’t doing it for you anymore.

Bangkok Dangerous
Nic Cage, call Tom Hanks from The Da Vinci Code – he wants his hair back. This film-thingy here is a remake of a ‘99 Thai action flick. The same brothers who directed the original return to direct….this. What, exactly, posesses someone(s) to remake their own film? (Michael Haneke did it, but that’s just because he’s a sadist) Especially since the most interesting thing in the original – that the hitman was both deaf and mute – has been neutered out of this one (Mr. Cage was worried that his chances of Oscar gold would be hurt if he didn’t have any lines of dialogue).

Recommended if you’ve liked Nicholas Cage in anything recently.

Babylon A.D.
The most interesting thing about this one is that the director, Mathieu Kassovitz, disowned the film before it even came out. How’s that for a seal of recommendation? Vin Diesel stars as some dude who has to save some girl who may or may not be the messiah of humanity in a grungy post-apocalyptic future that no one has done well since Ridley Scott invented the look in Alien and Blade Runner. Sounds like a winner.

Recommended if you shed quiet tears of pain when you found out Vin Diesel was going to be replaced by Ice Cube in the sequel to XXX.

Bin of Shame
Disaster Movie

My Photoshop skills are not what I’d like them to be. Still, I offer this work of art as my Christmas gift to ya’ll. Feel free to print it out, give copies to loved ones, etc. Just spread the love. So anyway, I noticed that lately we’ve been slacking around here. I apologize. Y’know, holidays, and whatnot. I do know that Evan is putting the finishing touches on the latest episode of the podcast, and we have all sorts of awesomeness planned for January (the picture above provides a clue). So don’t go away just yet — none of us are quite ready to join the mass graveyard of neglected blogs.

Anyway…releases. This week’s a big one, mainly because of Christmas. Hollywood assumes you won’t want to do anything besides go to a movie this Thursday, and they’re probably right. But, despite the release date, none of these are particularly “Christmassy.” You’d think some would be, since there are still another eleven days of Christmas after the 25th and all, but nope. Luckily, though, you all have me to tell you which movie is the most Christmassy. Enjoy!

Frost/Nixon

Tenuous Connection to Christmas: There’s an old jolly dude in it. Nixon was jolly, right?

Family Film? Well, hmmm…kids do need to learn their history. Then again, they also need to learn punctuation.

Snarky Comment: It’s a good thing that Ron Howard got this out this year, so he can still feel smug about it.

Recommended if you’re impressed by political activism 30 years after the fact.

Valkyrie

Tenuous Connection to Christmas: A group of German soldiers conspire to assassinate Hitler, presumably to bring about “peace on earth.”

Family Film? Probably not. I’m detecting a distinct lack of “goodwill toward men.” Or at least “goodwill toward men whose names are Adolph Hitler.”

Snarky Comment: Usually, movies set during World War II win Oscars every time someone at the Academy sneezes, but this one probably won’t, since it’s a “thriller,” not a “drama.” On the bright side, that also means it might not be “boring.”

Recommended if you wished James Bond had made a cameo in Schindler’s List

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Tenuous Connection to Christmas: It’s about a guy who lives life backwards, so the plot has a lot of nostalgia built right in.

Family Film? Sounds like a fairytale to me, but its PG-13 rating isn’t exactly a ringing endorsement. (Then again, the kiddies do love that F. Scott Fitzgerald.)

Snarky Comment: It seems like everyone on the Internets is jumping up and down and squealing over this movie but me — I’m not sure what I’m missing. (Evan’s seen it, and he assures me it’s worth the excitement. Take that for what it’s worth.)

Recommended if you liked The Fountain, Pan’s Labyrinth or The Great Gatsby

Doubt

Tenuous Connection to Christmas: It’s about Catholics…those people invented Christmas, right? Unless Christmas was invented by Orthodox Christians? Whatever, they both stole the whole thing from Roman pagans anyway.

Family Film? Only if you’re trying to teach your kids how to avoid getting raped by priests.

Snarky Comment: You know it’s Oscar season when you get a bunch of halfheartedly iconoclastic religious dramas with one-word titles that consist solely of abstract nouns. Oh, and you also know that your bid for controversy is weak when the latest X-files movie already beat you to the punch.

Recommended if you liked Priest, or wished that The Trouble with Angels had taken some darker turns

Bedtime Stories

Tenuous Connection to Christmas: The children are nestled all snug in their beds.

Family Film? Well folks, could that “Walt Disney” logotype be any bigger?

Snarky Comment: It’s so nice that those two bastions of banality, Disney and Adam Sandler, have finally found each other.

Recommended if you liked Big Daddy; Definitely, Maybe; or Enchanted

The Spirit

Tenuous Connection to Christmas: Not sure yet. There’s apparently a spirit, but I can’t figure out whether he’s the Spirit of Christmas Past, Present, or Yet to Come (or possibly some auxillary spirit, like maybe the Spirit of Giving or the Spirit of Generosity).

Family Film? Yeah, sure, and you can call me Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer.

Snarky Comment: I guess I still don’t understand why we suddenly need to adapt every comic book ever written into a film…you’ll have to ask a geeky fanboy to explain it to you.

Recommended if you liked Sin City, Punisher: War Zone, or some other unnecessary comic book adaptation

Marley & Me

Tenuous Connection to Christmas: Only the entire marketing campaign. Look at that poster: a red bow, and a tagline that reads “This Christmas, Heel the Love”? Real subtle, guys.

Family Film? It’s a dog movie, which always means two things: 1. Excessive cuteness, and 2. The dog dies. (Always.) So, yeah, sure, if your kids are ready to learn about the Reaper.

Snarky Comment: I think I saw the trailer for this, like, ten times before I even remembered the title (the whole thing is just the dog running on the beach to the theme for Chariots of Fire). If the movie’s even half that bland, count me out.

Recommended if you haven’t yet seen enough dog movies to last you a lifetime (there must be someone like that out there).

Gran Torino

Tenuous Connection to Christmas: Clint Eastwood beats up a bunch of Asian kids. If you can connect that back to Christmas, more power to you.

Family Film? Pssh. Are you kidding? PG fare doesn’t win Oscars!

Snarky Comment: I sure hope it’s better than Changeling, but Evan tells me otherwise.

Recommended if you want to see Dirty Harry go nuts one last time before…well, you know.

The Day the Earth Stood Still
Um…yeah. A remake of the 1951 science fiction classic, starring Keanu Reeves? I admit it sounds like a terrible idea, but then I saw that it’s being directed by Scott Derrickson, who I’m kind of a fan of. He directed 2005’s The Exorcism of Emily Rose, which is a pretty underrated film in my opinion — if you’re ever in the mood for a funky little amalgam of 70’s horror and Inherit the Wind-style courtroom drama, check it out. In any case, I think that Keanu threatens to destroy the world and then doesn’t, or something. That sounds like a good way to spend a reel of film to me.

Recommended if you’ve never seen either of the following: 1. the 1951 The Day the Earth Stood Still; 2. Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure

Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi
It’s a Bollywood romantic-comedy-musical! Who doesn’t love those? What more could you possibly want? Why wouldn’t you want to go? Especially given the other offerings this week…

Recommended if the annual glut of stodgy period dramas has got you down.

Delgo
Yet another computer-animated family movie? We must have done something extra good this year! Actually, truth be told, this one looks watchable, if only for the epic fantasy visuals (which aren’t up to Pixar standards, but then again, nothing is). It also has the obligatory B-list all-star cast (Freddie Prinze, Jr.; Val Kilmer; etc.), in case you’re into that sort of thing.

Recommended if you love Shrek but hate all that irony.

Nothing Like the Holidays
Well, it’s the Christmas season, so it’s time for Hollywood to cash in like it’s going out of style. Fortunately, we don’t have to deal with another fiasco like Elf or Fred Claus, but…honestly, I can’t think of a single reason to see this movie. Then again, it is Christmas-themed. And I’m a sucker for that stuff. And Hollywood knows it. Ugh…one please, Mr. Pimply-faced AMC Theaters Employee.

Recommended if you liked The Family Stone; My Big, Fat, Greek Wedding; or While You Were Sleeping

"Peter and the Wolf", winner of the 2007 Academy Award for Best Animated Short Film.

For all intents and purposes, there’s really only one film being released this week. Which is too bad, since a few independent gems might fall into the shadow of the bat, never to be seen again. But that’s what I’m here for.

The Dark Knight –
I don’t need to write much about this. If you’re one of the 2.5 people who haven’t seen it already, nows your chance. It knocked my socks off (literally – they’re lying in a pool of dried Coke on some dirty multiplex floor out there). Will it age well? Is it the masterpiece many (including myself) have claimed it to be? Who the heck knows? It is, however, beyond a shadow of a doubt, one of the most thrilling films of the year. Even if your name is Luke.

Recommended for all non-blind people.

| Purchase The Dark Knight on Blu-ray

Man On Wire
Any other release day, this film would be topping the list. One of the best documentaries of the year, it recounts Philippe Petit’s 1974 act of “performance art terrorism,” in which he strung a cable between the two towers of the World Trade Center and crossed back and forth, using only a pole for balance. Part Ocean’s 11, part Werner Herzog insanity, this is a must-see doc that entertains as often as it takes away breath. See Craig Kennedy’s review for confirmation.

Recommended also for all non-blind people.

| Purchase Man On Wire on Blu-ray

The Rape of Europa: Collector’s Edition –
This one came out a month and a half ago, but they’re now releasing it in a fancy collector’s edition, complete with supplementary interviews and intriguing tidbits. If you missed it once before, don’t let it pass you by a second time (I’m looking at you Daniel Getahun). An absolutely fascinating perspective on a time period that I thought the History Channel had exhausted a long time ago.

Recommended if you liked Stolen, The War, or Who the #$&% is Jackson Pollack?

Peter and the Wolf
The winner of last year’s Oscar for that hottest of Academy categories, Best Animated Short Film. Luke caught Peter and the Wolf during a special engagement earlier in the year and liked it immensely: “A new, wordless adaptation of Prokofiev’s program music, done this time with stop-motion. The attention to detail here is incredible: if you were to walk in halfway through, you might think for a second that you’re watching a live action film.”

Recommended if you long for the days when stop-motion filmmaking wasn’t dedicated to creating new episodes of Robot Chicken.

Horton Hears a Who –
I took my 2-year old daughter to see this at the budget theater. She lasted 17 minutes, give or take, before her attention became fixated on making as much noise as possible, and I took her into the hall to run up and down a ramp (thrilling stuff, actually). I didn’t dislike that 17 minutes and came away with the impression that it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. But what, pray tell, was with the WTF anime sequence haphazardly wedged in there?

Recommended if Ron Howard’s The Grinch Who Stole Christmas and Mike Meyers in The Cat and the Hat didn’t scar you for all eternity.

| Purchase Horton Hears a Who on Blu-ray

Flow
A documentary investigation into the global water crisis, director Irena Salina builds a case against the rapid privatization of water, and features interviews with scientists, politicians, and activists. Sounds a bit dry (yuck yuck yuck), but could be an important look into an issue that is regularly muscled out of the spotlight by global warming.

Recommended if you liked An Inconvenient Truth or Who Killed the Electric Car?

Nobel Son
Okay, so I put this movie at the top because I was under the impression that it was well-reviewed. Then I checked Metacritic and Rotten Tomatoes, and it turns out that it’s not. That’s the last time I listen to you, Wikipedia! Grrr. Still, I can think of a lot of good reasons to see this one: (1.) Alan Rickman, who has never put in a bad performance in his life (if you haven’t seen Bottle Shock, you really should); (2.) a cool-sounding premise that’s half Coen, half Tarantino, and all awesome (Nobel laureate’s dysfunctional family is thrown into turmoil when his son gets kidnapped); and (3.) a catchy title. I know that last one doesn’t sound that important, but seriously — who wants to walk into work on Monday and have to say, “So I saw Riding in Cars with Boys over the weekend…”, or possibly, “You really should check out Life as a House…“? Nobody. That’s who.

Recommended if you want to see Burn After Reading combined with Smart People and filtered through the mind of Steven Spielberg

Cadillac Records
The story of how Leonard Chess founded Chess Records, the Chicago-based blues powerhouse. Okay, so there might not be a huge audience for this one (I can already hear Evan groaning…), but if you know me, you know that I love blues music with all of my soul (pun intended, of course), and there is no way that I’m going to miss this one — particularly since I noticed Mos Def is playing Chuck Berry. That should be interesting. (No word on whether Michael J. Fox will make and appearance.)

Recommended if you liked Ray, The Buddy Holly Story or That Thing You Do!

Milk
It would have to be a good week (and it clearly is) for this one to be my third choice. The true story of Harvey Milk, the first openly gay individual to be elected to office in the U.S., it should be an interesting ride. I can’t promise intellectual depth, but I’m counting on an engaging and challenging story. It stars Sean Penn and was directed by Gus van Sant, so it pretty much screams “Oscar bait”…but if that’s your cup of tea, you can’t go wrong with this one. Watch the trailer here.

Recommended if you like Oscar bait. ‘Nuff said.

Punisher: War Zone
Marvel has, as of late, been hell-bent on immortalizing all of their characters in celluloid, whatever the cost (though frankly I’m wondering where the She-Hulk adaptation is). Their current strategy seems to be to rush as many adaptations out the door as possible, and simply remake the ones that end up sucking (we saw this happen earlier this year with The Incredible Hulk, which was essentially a reboot of Hulk — no word yet on whether we can expect a second reboot in a couple of years). So here it is…the reboot of the Punisher franchise that never was. Frankly, I don’t think I can take another comic book movie (especially after the bloated and overrated Dark Knight…yeah, I said it), but feel free to go if you want. At least Marvel hasn’t been desperately milking the same property since 1989, like a certain other comic book publisher has…

Recommended if you liked the 1989 version of The Punisher, or if you liked the 2004 version of The Punisher, or if you didn’t like either and you’re hoping this one will be better

Srdan Golubovic's "The Trap."

I’m still recuperating from my marathon Thanksgiving driving session: 40 hours on the road, 2 children in the backseat (who would scream in tandem; we used Europe’s “The Final Countdown” to drown them out), 2 flat tires, and 2 different rental cars. Helpful tip? Don’t rent from Budget unless you like your complimentary “24 Hour Roadside Assistance” to be outsourced to a third party that funnels its calls through an Indian call center. Second helpful tip? Ignore directions to the nearest Budget location given to you by passing Good Samaritans – more than likely, you’ll find yourself at a Hertz instead.

All that to say…. the post is a bit late. But TA-DA! Here it is for your reading enjoyment.

The Trap
What? How the heck is this my number 1 pick of the week? A valid question, sir, a valid question. I’m a big fan of Film Movement, and this is their latest release. I’m just going to copy their synopsis, since it sounds fantastic: “A modern film noir reflecting the true face of Serbian ’society in transition,’ It’s a story that could happen to you. An ordinary man is forced to choose between life and death of his own child. THE TRAP is a film about post-Milosevic’s Serbia, in which there is no more war, only a moral and existential desert. This is Serbia in transition, in which human life is worth little, and normal life remains almost unreachable.”

Recommended if that sounds as fascinating to you as it does to me.

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian –
I’m a little skeptical of Luke’s star rating there (4.5? Really?), but interested all the same. I have fond memories of reading the Narnia books while growing up, and even if The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe left me a bit cold inside, it was still an acceptable adaptation of a beloved work. At least it wasn’t butchered like Eragorn and The Seeker were. This one promises to amp up the bloodshed (how far can you go before you cross the line into PG-13 territory? Quite far, apparently), and while that isn’t necessarily faithful to the source material, the fantasy geek within me is all for it.

Recommended if the wisecracking beavers from the first film didn’t piss you off too much.

| Purchase The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian on Blu-ray

Wanted –
This film has become something of an inside joke between Luke and I. We bring it up constantly around one another, usually using it as a barometer for the other’s poor taste. We saw it in the theater together, and while I enjoyed it for the giddy thrill ride that it was, Luke sniggered and eye-rolled his way through the entire film. I liked it – a good bit (although felt it had a serious identity crisis) – and Luke hated it. With a passion. So who are you more like? Luke or myself? Feel free to answer cryptically in the comments section.

Recommended if you liked Face-Off, Live Free or Die Hard, or Nightwatch.

| Purchase Wanted on Blu-ray

The X-Files: I Want to Believe –
I was a wide-eyed X-Files fan throughout its first 3 seasons or so. I must have been 14 (15?) and was just beginning to enter the age where my parents would let me make my own movie and television decisions. The X-Files was a little dark, but not too dark, and so I gobbled it up with all the ferocity my developing geeky mind could muster. How many great episodes are there in those first few seasons? Too many to count. Sadly, that ceased to be the case somewhere around the 5th or 6th season (perhaps it was earlier – it’s too painful to recall), and so my enthusiasm for this film is at zilch on the gotta-see-it-o-meter.

Recommended if you want to believe that Chris Carter can redeem himself for the massacre he perpetuated on his own show.

| Purchase X-Files: I Want to Believe on Blu-ray

Step Brothers –
Images of Will Ferrell’s scrotum still haunt my dreams. Oh, wait, you’ve been dying to see Will Ferrell’s scrotum ever since his underrated turn as Cubby the funeral director in 2000’s Drowing Mona? Then this film, my friend, is for you. In spades. And sacks. Yuk yuk yuk yuk.

Recommended if angry man-children with sewer mouths and strong compulsions to open the “barn doors” are totally your bag, baby.

| Purchase Step Brothers on Blu-ray

The Bin of SHAME

The Longshots
Fly Me to the Moon

I didn’t have much to say about any of these films, so I figured I’d just provide you with the blurbs that will probably be on the back of the DVD cases for these in a few months. Here goes:

Australia
From director Baz Luhrmann, the genius who brought you that one version of Romeo + Juliet that probably didn’t suck too bad (we’re not really sure, since none of us remember the 90’s all that well) comes an action-romance-adventure-[insert whatever genre you like here] film you won’t soon forget! Sexy (she’s only forty!) Nicole Kidman stars with the dashing Hugh Jackman (Van Helsing Deception X-men) in an adventure set in the Australian outback! Winner of nine Academy Awards®™©, including “Best Movie Named After a Continent!” David Manning of the Ridgefield Press raves, “It’s a nonstop thrill ride!!!”

Recommended if you liked Moulin Rouge, Romancing the Stone or Pearl Harbor

Four Christmases
Relive the magic…the memories…the proof that Hollywood can occasionally spell out entire titles in a manner consistent with the MLA stylebook! Now the magic of 4Xmas’s can be yours to own forever, and cherish for eternity, and rewatch for…um…a really long time. Featuring Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn, who have both probably been in other good movies recently (or, at the very least, have been caught in interesting compromising positions in the tabloids), this romantic comedy will make you laugh and warm your heart. Make it a part of your holiday tradition now (we’re sure you can squeeze it in between Surviving Christmas and The Family Man). David Manning of the Ridgefield Press raves, “It’s a nonstop thrill ride!!!!!”

Recommended if you’re one of those suckers who will buy anything with “Christmas” written on it (and believe me, I’ve been there myself)

Transporter 3
In the tradition of action movies with one-word titles that are a vague description of someone’s occupation comes this latest obligatory sequel cash-in, which Don Finkelstien of the New England Really Old Telegraph praised as “A throw-down, knock-up, take-no-prisoners, write-no-thank-you-notes, eat-no-raw-fish thrill ride that grabs you by the throat and doesn’t let go!!! And even when it does, it bites your ear off, just to make sure you know it means business!!!! And then it spreads some nasty rumors about you on MySpace!!!!!!!” Jason Statham (The Transporter, Transporter 2, Transporter 2½, Transporter: The Reckoning, Transporter: Requiem for a Bunch of Dead Guys, Transporter: Day of Judgment, Transporter: Another Day of Judgment, Transporter: Yet Another Day of Judgment, Transporter: Princess Tea Party, and Transporter: You People are Still Coming to See These Things!!??) stars as…a…guy…and there are a bunch of AWESOME EXPLOSIONS!!! David Manning of the Ridgefield Press raves, “It’s a nonstop thrill ride!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Recommended if, unlike me, you actually saw Transporter 1 and 2 (you don’t have to feel bad — this is French cinema, so you know it’s sophisticated)

Jiang Ke Jia's STILL LIFE.

But wait! Have you entered our free DVD giveaway of Mirrormask? It’s easy and painless and requires only 2 ounces of blood and your first born. What a steal! Contest ends tomorrow, so don’t be slow.

Speaking of slow, that’s a good way to describe this week, although those of you clamoring for big busty blockbusters have a bit to chew on.

Hancock –
Such high hopes had I for this one (I know, I know, silly), primarily because director Peter Berg is one of my favorite guilty pleasure directors (another? Tony Scott). He’s the auteur behind such classics as The Rundown, which many of you know I bring up any chance I get. I apologize if you’re sick of it; it will likely continue to happen. So, Will Smith is a down-n-out superheroic bum who fights crime whilst downing Jim Bean. It has enjoyable moments, but the 3rd act veers off into la-la land, hand in hand with Charlize Theron.

Recommended if you liked I, Robot, Mystery Men, or I Am Legend.

| Buy Hancock on Blu-ray

Still Life
If Up the Yangtze was the documentary version of the widespread changes taking place, both personally and sociologically, as the 3 Gorges slowly filled up with water, displacing 2 million people, then Still Life is the fictionalized account. A husband and a wife return to their submerged village and attempt to repair their lives, only to discover that the water has buried more than their home. Seems meditative and emotionally moving, just like Yung Chang’s spellbinding doc was.

Recommended if you liked Up the Yangtze or are at least a tad bit curious about life in China.

Fred Claus
I love how the marketing machines for Christmas flicks are always delayed till the following holiday. When DVD turnaround is anywhere from 2 to 4 months (depending on the crappiness of the movie – the more crappy, the faster it hits DVD), having to wait a full 11 seems like an eternity. Not that I was waiting with baited breath for Fred Claus, the story of Santa (Paul Giamatti) and his good-fer-nothin’ brother Fred (Vince Vaughn) – I just think it’s funny. It felt like this movie came out an eternity ago. Does anyone still care?

Recommended if The Wedding Crashers meets Sideways meets Santa Claus Vs. The Martians is your idea of a good time!

| Buy Fred Claus on Blu-ray

Space Chimps –
Lord, save us from ourselves. Quickly.

Recommended if lemon juice enemas just aren’t masochistic enough for you anymore.

| Buy Space Chimps on Blu-ray

Um, anyway…

Twilight
Um…does anyone not know what this is? It’s only the biggest tween publishing craze ever to not have a boy wizard named Harry in it. If I remember right, I think the plot goes something like this: First, all the vampires that are walking through the valley most west down Ventura Blvd. Then, all the bad boys are standing in the shadows, and all the good girls are at home with broken hearts. AND NOW I’M FREEEEEEEEEE — ! FREE FALLLLLIN’!!!! …um, yeah.

Recommended if you always wished Buffy would get together with Angel. Or Spike. Or any other vampire that she may or may not have had a thing with.

Bolt –
Dog that doesn’t have superpowers but thinks he does saves the day. This is the first animated Disney movie to be made since Pixar took over their board of directors. So expectations aren’t necessarily high…but I think people are hoping it won’t entirely suck. The trailer that played before WALL-E was kinda funny. Expect to see me in line, unless I have something better to do.

Recommended if you liked Chicken Little, Meet the Robinsons or Home on the Range

WALL-E Concept art, courtesty Walt Disney Entertainment and Pixar Animation Studios.

Before we get into the goodies, be sure to check out our FREE Blu-ray giveaway of Southland Tales, which ends tomorrow at noon. There are 2 copies of up for grabs, and all you have to do is leave a comment on the post. Get crackin’!

A big week for releases, both of the blockbuster and independent varieties. Needless to say, I’ve got a certain little robot on the brain (as does my daughter). Viva la Pixar!

WALL•E –
The Pixar masters have done it again. This is, arguably, their most beautiful, heartfelt work, and with an oeuvre like theirs, that’s saying something. The story of a little trash compacter who falls in love with a sleek recon robot named EVE, the most impressive thing about WALL•E is the emotional mileage Pixar generates out of beeps, clicks, and gestures. This is glorious filmmaking, a masterpiece in every sense of the word, and if you haven’t seen it yet, make it your top priority.

Recommended if you like things called ‘movies.’

| Buy WALL•E on Blu-ray

Up the Yangtze –
This is a thematically rich, visually gorgeous documentary about the damming up of China’s great Yangtze river and the subsequent flooding of the 3 Gorges, displacing nearly 2 million Chinese citizens. It deals with issues of culture, national identity, coming of age, and the conflict between communism and capitalism that is raging across China’s landscape. Thought provoking and heartrending. Highly recommended.

Recommended if you liked Still Life, Please Vote For Me, or State of Mind.

Tropic Thunder
I was surprised at how much I enjoyed this film. 1 part comedy, 1 part satire, 1 part action, it’s a mixed bag at times but an entertaining one nonetheless. If you’re not easily offended (this one is as crass as Hollywood comedies come, these days, although you are thankfully spared any ‘money shots’ of Jack Black’s junk), Robert Downey Jr.’s performance alone is worth the price of admission. Alexander Coleman breaks it down, professor style.

Recommended if Platoon-meets-Stand By Me-meets-The Player-meets-Zoolander sounds like the mostest awesomest movie evars.

| Buy Tropic Thunder on Blu-ray

Priceless –
A surprising little gem of a film that plays like a mix between Breakfast at Tiffany’s and Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. Audrey Tatou stars as a gold digger on the French Riviera, and Gad Elmaleh as the hapless bartender who falls for her and, just to be close to her, ends up gold digging himself. The greatest shock is that Elmaleh outshines the uber-adorable Tatou (of Amelie fame) in nearly every scene. Cute and sweet, although a bit nasty is you start to think about it for too long.

Recommended if you like cute French films about persons of dubious moral fortitude (seriously – for Breakfast at Tiffany’s fans).

| Buy Priceless on Blu-ray

Encounters at the End of the World –
German auteur Werner Herzog turns his eccentric camera on the residents of McMurdo, a research station in Antarctica that looks more like a muddy ski resort than an outpost on the edge of civilization. Herzog interviews the odd personalities that populate the offers up observations that only he could make. The film is beautiful and cold and surreal – there is no one else making films like Herzog does.

Recommended if you liked Grizzly Man, Planet Earth, or Fast, Cheap, & Out of Control.

| Buy Encounters at the End of the World on Blu-ray

Gonzo: The Life and Work of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson –
Visit the Wikipedia entry for ‘gonzo journalism.’ The first paragraph, debating where the term originated, is quite interesting. Gonzo the doc is Alex Gibney’s take on the subjective acid-fueled journalist sometimes known as Hunter S. Thompson. I’m a big fan of Gibney – he is documentary-dom’s rising star – but I’m not such a big fan of Thompson. Also check out Craig Kennedy’s 4-star take on it.

Recommended if you liked Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Crumb, or Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room.

Mister Lonely
From IMDB: “In Paris, a young American who works as a Michael Jackson lookalike meets Marilyn Monroe, who invites him to her commune in Scotland, where she lives with Charlie Chaplin and her daughter, Shirley Temple.” Well, I can safely say no one has made a film like that before. Bit of cross-DVD trivia: Werner Herzog stars as a nun-wrangling priest.

Recommended if you saw Harmony Korine’s first film, Julien Donkey-Boy, and, uh, liked it.

Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2
You know if you like this. I will say that my wife saw it and thought that it was redundant and somewhat pointless, and she loved the first one.

Recommended if you entered a state of transcendental bliss after viewing the first one.

| Buy Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants on Blu-ray

Recommended if you need one last chance to see the good guys win before Oscar season kicks off

After doing that, go on and peruse this list of films competing for the cash in your wallet. You deserve it.

Hellboy 2: The Golden Army –
One of the best comic book movies of the year, and in 2008 (with The Dark Knight and Iron Man entering the fray) that’s saying something. The plot’s woven a bit thin, and if you look too hard at the fabric you’ll see holes big enough to twiddle your thumbs in, but del Toro (who’s currently helming The Hobbit behemoth) infuses every frame with limitless amounts of his imagination. This is one of those films where, afterwards, you want to head over to the bookstore immediately and pick up one of those “The Art Of….” movie tie-in volumes and gaze at it indefinitely.

Recommended if you long for the tangible, CGI-less art design of fantasy classics such as The Dark Crystal, Labyrinth, and The Neverending Story.

| Buy Hellboy 2: The Golden Army on Blu-ray

Sukiyaki Western Django –
Japanese splat-master Takashi Miike turns his bizarro mind towards that most august of genres, the samurai-spaghetti western. This film is a bit difficult to accurately describe: the costume and set design are conspicuous nearly to a fault; the all-Asian cast (except for Quentin Tarantino, mugging it up as always) speak their lines in English, but I believe most of the actors don’t really speak the language, making the dialogue sound like a badly dubbed chop-socky flick; and it doesn’t really make any sense. But, it is unlike anything you will see this year, and for that reason alone it’s worth checking out.

Recommended if you always find yourself gravitating to the strangest possible films in the video store and checking them out by virtue of their eclectic box-art alone.

| Buy Sukiyaki Western Django on Blu-ray

Star Wars: The Clone Wars –
Look, another ploy to hook your children on shiny plastic toys they’ll become bored with in just under 2 hours! See stiff, wooden characters voiced by stiff, wooden voice over artists! Watch Lucas and Co. rape the Star Wars IP into oblivion! (reminds me of a recent South Park episode, by the way…you know the one I’m talking about) And yet, part of me still wants to see this almost guaranteed assault on good taste, simply because it looks somewhat pretty and has Star Wars in the title. Ole’ Georgie knows when he has a bunch of suckers on the hook, and who can blame him for reeling in an easy catch every now and then?

Recommended if you feel that hook digging into the soft tissue of your mouth and know that it’s only a matter of time before the fisherman guts you for his dinner.

| Buy Star Wars: The Clone Wars on Blu-ray

Planet B-Boy
A documentary about the misunderstood global phenomenon known as breakdancing. The film is framed by the yearly World Cup of breakdancing, the Battle of the Year held in Germany, and first time director Benson Lee follows numerous teams on their way to the competition. Daniel Gethun recommends it, so if you got an itch that can only be scratched by wicked breakdancing, scratch away.

Recommended if you liked Raze, Strictly Ballroom, or Spellbound.

Mister Foe
A voyeuristic Jamie Bell (most recently Hayden Christensen’s bosom buddy in Jumper) hopscotches across the rooftops of Edinburgh, playing a paradoxically sweet peeping Tom. The product description calls it “a darkly twisted, entertaining work of magical realism”, whatever that means. I like Jamie Bell, so if I wander across a free copy of this, I’m sure I’ll watch it.

Recommended if you liked Igby Goes Down, American Beauty, or Peeping Tom.

Beer For My Horses –
I still can’t believe I actually reviewed this film, although I tentatively stand by my 3 star rating. Despite the film’s obvious direct-to-DVD trappings, Toby Keith’s self-deprecating demeanor salvages the film, if just barely, and the film’s insistence on placing it’s low-rent characters in positively absurd situations helps, if only for the WTF factor.

Recommended if you dream of owning an enormous pickup with wheels that could crush a tank and sweet lightning bolts painted down the side. No offense if that is your dream, just sayin’ that if it is, this is your film.

Evan’s been on me to mention that for awhile now. Hopefully, the two of us can make peace again.

Anyway…

House –
No, not that obnoxious doctor on TV (although, come to think of it, that short phrase describes nearly half the characters on scripted television). This one is actually about an actual house. It’s also not a remake of that cheesy 1986 horror-comedy. Instead, it’s based on the 2006 horror novel by Frank Peretti. Hey wait, a horror movie that’s not a remake? This I have to see. Sign me up.

Recommended if you liked Saw, Thr3e, or The Mist

Role Models
Okay…somebody upstairs likes us and decided we needed yet another sophomoric man-boy comedy. In this one, Seann William Scott and Christopher Mintz-Plasse are a couple of lazy slobs who hawk an energy drink for a living and get sentenced to community service. As would never happen in real life, said service involves leading a community youth group. So it’s basically Billy Madison, but with two actors you’ve never heard of.

Recommended if you liked The School of Rock or Bad News Bears, but wish they sucked

Soul Men
Yeah, this scenario hasn’t been done to death. Aging 70’s pop stars played by Bernie Mac and Samuel L. Jackson decide to get the group back together. Hilarity (read: tedium) ensues. Come on Sammy, you’re better than this. And you, Bernie, you’re…um…never mind. Congrats on the gig!

Recommended if you liked Blues Brothers…nah, make that Blues Brothers 2000

Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa
Which is worse: talking CGI animals with celebrity voices, or sequels that try to use numerals as legit words? We’re simultaneously teaching our children to mindlessly worship celebrities and to spell badly. So if this film is successful, the mail should be clogged with fan letters to “Mat Daymann” in a couple of years. I definitely look forward to that.

Recommended if Blockbuster runs out of Kung Fu Panda

Transsiberian –
My #1 pick for the week, which makes me disappointed that I’m not eligible for my own contest. I really dug Brad Anderson’s last film, The Machinist, infamous for its emaciated Christian Bale, and was disappointed he didn’t receive more accolades for it. The man directs a solid, guilty-pleasure thriller, and this noir-ish romp through the Siberian wilderness starring none other than Ben Kingsley (who I hope, fingers crossed, is not slumming it again) sounds right up my alley.

Recommended if you liked Strangers on a Train, Sexy Beast, or A Simple Plan.

| Buy Transsiberian on Blu-ray

Kung Fu Panda
Conspicuously ignored this when it hit theaters earlier in the year, but could not ignore the surprisingly positive reviews that it garnered from critical circles. Talking animals usually signify studio big wig barrel scraping, but this film seems to have risen slightly above its low-brow beginnings. I’m game for a little animated chop-socky, and Jack Black is almost universally entertaining, so some slightly lowered expectations should make this an enjoyable romp. Then again, Daniel Getahun bestowed his highest marks on it, and even called it competition for WALL-E, so perhaps I’m underestimating the power of the Jack.

Recommended if computer generated talking animals aren’t completely dead to you.

| Buy Kung Fu Panda on Blu-ray

When Did You Last See Your Father? –

I wasn’t expecting Phillip to bestow such high marks on this, but there they are, 4 1/2 ruby-red twinklers. Colin Firth and Jim Broadbent star in this adaptation of Blake Morrison’s memoir about his dying father and his struggle to express the love, frustrations, and contradictions inherent in their relationship. Looks like potent stuff, although a film you have to steel yourself for emotionally before watching.

Recommended if you liked The Savages, About Schmidt, or Big Fish.

Get Smart –
Carell is currently my favorite leading funny man (Seth Rogen and Will Farrell are officially in burn-out mode for me), and tuning into The Office is a weekly ritual. Additionally, I’m on an Anne Hathaway high after seeing Rachel Getting Married last week, so this one is a guaranteed rent for me, even if it ends up being supreme-o lame-o. Sometimes you just need to shut off the brain, pour yourself a glass of wine, and giggle without the guilt.

Recommended if you liked Evan Almighty or OSS 117: Cairo, Nest of Spies (which, by the way, is an incredible spy-spoof from France, and probably 10x the comedy that this one is).

| Buy Get Smart on Blu-ray

Hit the jump for more shiny movie goodness…

Fraulein –
Tragic secrets boil beneath the surface in this Swiss drama about three woman – two Croatians and one Serb – clashing when the fiery Ana begins to work for the reserved Ruža. These types of films are not usually my cup of tea (call me a sexist all you want), but the Film Movement has yet to fail me. I’ll have a review up in a day or two.

Recommended if you liked Steel Magnolias, Caramel, or Thelma & Louise.

What We Do Is Secret –
A taut little biopic of Darby Crash and The Germs, a seminal punk group that rose and fell on the late ’70s LA punk scene. It was also a 15 year labor of love for the director, Rodger Grossman, who I had the pleasure of interviewing a few months back. We also featured this film in Episode 6 of the MovieZeal podcast, so there’s plenty of content for all you punk aficionados to devour.

Recommended if you liked Sid & Nancy, The Decline of Western Civilization, or The Filth and the Fury: A Sex Pistols Film.

Moscow Zero –
A supernatural thriller set in the underground tunnels beneath Moscow, it also stars Val Kilmer and Vincent Gallo. I get the distinct impression that Sony is simply dumping this one onto DVD with little to no fanfare (you couldn’t actually find a trailer for it online until a week ago), so it could be a guilty pleasure goodie or a horrendous brain melter. Luke will have a review up later today.

Recommended if you just can’t get enough of pudgy Val Kilmer.

Of course, this year, the movies are coming (by which I mean “came”) out on Halloween, so it’s my job to tell you whether they’re scary or not. Of course it’s 11/2 now, so nobody cares. But whatever, let’s pretend.

Changeling –

Might Be Scary Because: You have to look at Angelina Jolie’s face for two hours. What could be scarier than that?

Might NOT Be Scary Because: This is some pretty obvious Oscar Bait: it’s a period piece, it’s directed by Clint Eastwood, and it deals with some fairly obvious themes involving human sanity. In other words, it’ll be dull.

Recommended if you’re longing to see a mashup of Girl, Interrupted and Birth

What Just Happened?

Might Be Scary Because: It’s yet another self-righteous “independent” movie made by Hollywood insiders about how awful Hollywood is. Jigsaw, are you behind this?

Might NOT Be Scary Because: That ticket stub glued over Robert De Niro’s mouth is stamped with the words “ADMIT NOTHING.” That’s actually pretty funny.

Recommended if you’ve always wanted to see a version of An Allan Smithee Film: Burn, Hollywood, Burn that doesn’t suck

Zack and Miri Make a Porno

Might Be Scary Because: Kevin Smith’s ego (THE THING THAT WOULD NOT DIE!) is already hard at work, congratulating itself on offending the MPAA censors.

Might NOT Be Scary Because: The shock value of pornography wore off at least 30 years ago, guys.

Recommended if you liked Jersey Girl. Yeah, just Jersey Girl.

The Haunting of Molly Hartley –

Might Be Scary Because: It’s a frickin’ horror movie. Not that that’s any real indication as of late, but still.

Might NOT Be Scary Because: It’s only the millionth rip-off of The Exorcist and The Omen to come out in the last several decades. Speaking of which, when are we going to get a godawful remake of The Exorcist, Hollywood? That thing is way overdue.

Recommended if you like movies with seriously overwrought titles (I’m looking at you, Riding in Cars with Boys)

RockNRolla –

Might Be Scary Because: I have no idea how to spell its title without using the official logotype. That’s gonna keep me up at night for sure.

Might NOT Be Scary Because: It’s from Dark Castle Entertainment, a studio formed specifically to make scary movies, none of which have actually been scary. Then again, this is their first film that’s not supposed to be scary, so I’d say you have a 50/50 chance here.

Recommended if you liked Snatch, Resevoir Dogs, or Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Currently I’m reading The Walking Dead (hattip to Matt Gamble), essentially what you would get if Night Of the Living Dead never ended. I dip into Fell by Warren Ellis on occasion (hattip to Graham Culbertson), and I have Adolf by Osama Tezuka waiting in the wings. One of these days I’d like to try my hand at actually writing a graphic novel. I just have to find someone who can draw.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch…

Elite Squad
I’ve been jonesing for this one ever since it won top prize at the Berlin Film Festival (although some were baffled by its victory). Take the geography and visual punch from City of God but place your protagonists on the other side of the law and Elite Squad is what you get. Hyper-stylized, politically ambiguous, and raucous entertainment: please sir, can I have some more now.

Recommended if you liked City of God, City of Men, or Dirty Harry.

Billy the Kid –
Social awkwardness comes to life in this documentary about Billy, a one-of-a-kind teen cutting his own personal swath through the world. At times fascinating, at times painful, this is an intimate look into the life and mind of someone who is definitely not like you at all.

Recommended if you liked Crumb, Stevie, or American Teen.

Red
There is something deeply gratifying about the revenge genre. The intellectual in me knows – knows! – that revenge is poisonous and unsatisfying, but sometimes you just want to see the bad guy get it. Brian Cox tries his hand at a little righteous payback here, the difference being that the titular “Red” is a dog. I could probably watch Brian Cox read the IRS tax code, so watching him exact sweet vengeance is a no-brainer.

Recommended if you liked Sleepers, Death Wish, or Deathproof.

Tuya’s Marriage
Oddly enough, this film won the exact same award that Elite Squad won the following year, the Golden Bear. I love films that open a window into another world, and Tuya’s Marriage takes a deep look into complicated relationship within inner Mongolia, something I certainly know less than nothing about. When Tuya’s husband is crippled in an accident, she sets out to find a new mate with one condition: he has to take care of both her and her ailing husband. Although Mongolian romance is foreign to me, I imagine that is just as tall of an order as it would be here.

Recommended if you liked Mongol (the romantic bits) or The Cave of the Yellow Dog (the nomadic life bits).

Death Defying Acts
Starring Guy Pearce and Catherine Zeta-Jones, this film about Harry Houdini was left to die in the dumpster behind the one theater it played in. It received poor reviews, but I have to believe that outside politics or fiscal concerns directly led to its demise. If Ed Norton and Jessica Biel can sell a tepid hocus-pocus period romance, why can’t Pearce and Zeta-Jones do the same?

Recommended if you liked The Illusionist or The Prestige.

Kit Kittredge: An American Girl
This one received above-average reviews all across the board, surprisingly so. If my daughter was a bit older or I was, you know, someone other than a 28 year old male with a penchant for guilty pleasure action flicks, I’d be snapping up this puppy and its irresistibly adorable star (Abigail Breslin) in a heartbeat.

Recommended if you liked Nancy Drew, Mathilda, Ella Enchanted, or Nim’s Island.

| Buy Kit Kittredge: An American Girl on Blu-ray

Journey to the Center of the Earth –
I’m going to go ahead and say that, much like Beowulf, this film is probably even more of an exercise in misery minus the 3D that was used to sell it to the masses in the first place. Amazon says that the DVD ships with 3D glasses, but I’m going to also guess that watching 3D in your own home will provide nausea much faster than it will entertainment (unless nausea=entertainment in your book, in which case you’re visiting the wrong site my friend).

Recommended if Brendan Frasier is your favoritist action star of all-freakin’ times! Wait, where’s my gold-plated copy of The Mummy? I MUST WATCH IT NOW!

| Buy Journey to the Center of the Earth on Blu-ray

Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead
Normally I would spend no time on something like this, but then I caught this blurb from the pen of Entertainment Weekly’s critic-at-large Owen Gleiberman, and I couldn’t resist: “As savage as Dawn of the Dead, as slapstick nutzoid as Evil Dead 2, as gag-on-your-popcorn gross as Pink Flamingos, and as dementedly foulmouthed literate as a Kevin Smith raunchfest. It’s genuine sick fun, and there isn’t a boring moment in it! B+!”

Recommended if you know what Troma is. ‘Nuff said.

Anyway, this week, you have the choice between watching people get tortured (Saw V), watching cops make torturous decisions (Pride and Glory), watching a movie with torturous suspense (Passengers), and — well — actually getting tortured yourself (High School Musical 3).

High School Musical 3
Of course, if you know me at all, you know I was kidding about that last part, because I FRIGGIN’ LOVE HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL!!! I do have to admit that I finally saw High School Musical 2 the other day, and it was a bit disappointing — but I won’t let that keep me away from the franchise’s big-screen debut. Yes, debut. What started as a little one-shot on the Disney Channel has grown into a cultural phenomenon. This, my friends, is true grassroots. Also, what I just said made absolutely no sense. I must be blinded by the awesomeness of High School Musical. !!!!!!

Recommended if you’re a ten-year-old, or if, like me, you’re a really creepy adult who thinks he’s a ten-year-old and routinely terrifies his wife with his obsession over High School Musical

Passengers
Anne Hathaway is a therapist that has to counsel the survivors of an airline crash that’s shrouded in mystery…and then all the passengers start disappearing one by one. How is she going to solve the mystery? Don’t worry — Anne hath a way. (I always wanted to make that joke…and then when the moment finally comes…wow, this is all just too much for me.)

Recommended if you like mysterious airline crash stories like Lost or Fringe

Pride and Glory
In yet another family-vs.-justice crime movie, Edward “HULK SMASH” Norton has to choose between turning in his own brothers and…um…not turning in his own brothers. How’s that for high drama? This one also features Collin Farrell and a poster that looks like the one for last year’s We Own the Night.

Recommended if you liked any crime movie to come out since The Godfather

Saw V
So, wait…this guy’s still around? Are they still actually making new Saw movies, or just splicing together old footage from the first couple? And more importantly, would the fans notice if they did? Seriously, how many different variations on the “torture porn” genre can there be? Then again, the creative potential for “regular porn” was exhausted some time in the 1970s, and they’re still making more of those. So there must be something I’m missing here. I wonder if this has anything to do with those F’s I got in my business classes?…

Recommended if you haven’t taken that ICP album out of your car stereo since 1998

• Max Payne - Not as bad as it could have been, but not as good as it had the potential to be. Fire the casting director and the screenwriter and they might have actually made a decent film.
• A Tale of Two Sisters - Some of the most effective art direction in a horror film that I’ve seen since The Shining, it was nevertheless disappointing that it had to stoop to using two of my biggest horror-genre pet peeves. I won’t ruin the “twist,” but suffice to say it’s not that far from the tried-and-true “it was all a dream” copout.
• Avatar: The Last Airbender - I started watching this because the episodes were short and I could watch it with my daughter. Midway through the second season I was hooked, and now all I can think about is getting home from work to watch more. I’ll be sad when it’s over. Excellent animation and surprisingly deep themes for a kids show.
• Dexter - Pure crack. Michael C. Anthony Michael Hall is brilliant. Not sure how I feel about Jimmy Smits yet, but Dexter is Dexter is Dexter and I’m gonna watch it anyways.

So, what have you been watching this week, and are you interested in any of the below DVDs?

The Incredible Hulk -
I’m a teensy bit ashamed of that 4-star rating up there. I certainly enjoyed the film in the theater, but it hasn’t held up that well in my mind, and I imagine a second viewing would drop that rating a half-star if not a full one. It was less ambitious than Ang Lee’s failed attempt at the green giant, but more successful. The opening scene with the Hulk is the best in the flim (part action, part suspense, part horror), and it’s a bit disappointing that the rest of the picture doesn’t work as well.

Recommended if you’re so obsessed with the Hulk that you only buy canned vegetables with pictures of the Jolly Green Giant on the side.

| Buy The Incredible Hulk on Blu-ray

Flight of the Red Balloon
I am thoroughly unfamiliar with Taiwanese director Hsiao-hsien Hou’s filmmography and I know little about this one, so I’m going mainly off of critical pedigree and the raves I’ve been reading for the past few months. This film is in French, his second foreign language outing, and deals with a boy, his babysitter, and the ethereal red balloon that follows them through their imaginary adventures.

Recommended if you like Italian and French cinema in general, which Hou’s films are often likened to.

The Strangers -
Luke had not-good things to say about this one, and he’s typically quite generous with the horror films. Like a more-stupid version of Funny Games, The Strangers attempts to titillate with an “inspired by true events” tagline on the front. Does anyone buy that schtick anymore? Post-Blair Witch Project, I thought that marketing gambit had been used up, but apparently not since the masses still flock in droves. “Did you hear? This really happened! OMG, we have to see it now!” A cursory Google search reveals no such “true” events.

Recommended if people with bags over their faces inspire fear rather than we-should-really-give-that-guy-some-change pity.

| Buy The Strangers on Blu-ray

Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed -
These films wear me out. Is it really that hard to make a compelling, reasonably objective documentary about religion and creationism and evolution, etc.? Does everyone always have to stoop to below-the-belt editing techniques and interview ambushes? Does anyone NOT see how similar this film is to Religulous, even if they are at opposite ends of the ideological spectrum? In the words of Travis, from one of my favorite films of all time, The Rundown: “Why so angry?”

Recommended if you’re in the choir and you enjoy being preached to.

| Buy Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed on Blu-ray

Anyway, now that that’s out of the way, here are the movies coming out this week:

Sex Drive
Yet another comedy about a dorky teen boy trying to get laid? Why is this on the top of my list? Well, put simply, I watched the trailer, and it looks HILARIOUS. The premise is vaguely original as well: Josh Zuckerman is a recent high school grad who’s never had a girlfriend, but has a girl on the Internet convinced that he’s a hulking football player. And then he has to meet her in real life. Oops.

Recommended if you liked Superbad, American Pie, or Porky’s

Morning Light
Yeah, this one is my second choice for the week, but I can’t imagine that many other people will be interested; it’s this high on the list primarily because I love sailing. Roy E. Disney, an avid yachtsman himself (it’s hard not to have bags of money to spend on yachts when your uncle built one of the world’s biggest corporate empires ever), produced this little documentary about the youngest crew ever to compete in the Transpacific Yacht Race. It sounds like a fun time, as long as you like two or more of the following: 1) documentaries, 2) sports movies, 3) boating.

Recommended if you liked Spellbound, White Squall, or Bra Boys

The Secret Life of Bees
Um…Dakota Fanning is a white girl raised by Queen Latifah? Or something? Sounds like a cross between Waiting to Exhale and The Jerk. Call it Waiting to Exhale the Jerk.

Recommended if you’re wondering whether Alicia Keys can act (my money says no, but I’m keeping my fingers crossed for her)

Max Payne
These last two are pretty much tied, as far as I’m concerned — how do you choose between a movie based on a videogame that no one’s cared about in several years and a movie based on a president that no one’s cared about in several years? Here’s a discussion question for the board below: is it possible for a movie based on videogame to be good? My standard answer is no, since a film adds nothing new to a videogame (unlike it does when you adapt, say, a novel). Anyway, as per the film’s website, this one stars Mark Wahlberg as the “maverick cop.” John McCain was unavailable for comment.

Recommended if you liked Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, Hitman, or Resident Evil

W.
Josh Brolin (No Country for Old Men) stars as the president of some obscure banana republic called the “United States of America.” Okay, serious question: does anyone really want to see this movie? Whether you love Bush or hate him, this just feels like really bad timing. The general vibe seems to be that people are simply done withe the guy — people are sick of hearing about him and ready for a change, regardless of whether they lean right or left. Even if this movie mercilessly mocks him (and I don’t think it will), Bush-bashing hasn’t been trendy for several years. Am I wrong? Let me know what you think.

Recommended if you liked JFK, Nixon, or Primary Colors

4 Months, 3 Weeks, and 2 Days -
Hands down, this is my #1 pick of the week. An efficient, devastating film about abortion in communist Romania, it was an unbelievable experience. Not an easy one, certainly, but the most powerful films never are. Don’t put this one on for family night, but please don’t avoid it either. For the performances, for the filmmaking, for the emotional intensity, this is required viewing.

Recommended if you liked In the Bedroom, 12:08 East of Bucharest, or The Death of Mr. Lazarescu

Standard Operating Procedure
Errol Morris is one of the most talented documentarians, if not the most talented documentarian working today (and yes, I’m including Ken Burns). From Gates of Heaven to The Thin Blue Line to Fog of War, he consistently probes his subjects with insight, wit, and compassion. And unlike many documentary filmmakers who simply find a fascinating subject and chuck technique out the window, all of Morris’ films look fantastic; the man is a master of style as much as of content. Here he tackles the infamous Abu Ghraib prison scandal, and from all accounts (sadly, I haven’t managed to see it yet), it’s a brilliantly made film that offers no easy answers and is sure to divide audiences.

Fun Fact: I credit Morris’ Fog of War with altering some of my long held political stances.

Recommended if you liked No End in Sight or any of Morris’ work, and if you haven’t seen any of his films, start with The Thin Blue Line and go from there.

| Buy Standard Operating Procedure on Blu-ray

Mongol –
The first film in a planned 3-part epic about the life of Mongolian superstar Ghengis Khan, this Russian film has so much to love and so much to be disappointed about. Gorgeous photography and intense performances but a bizarre sense of structure and a willingness to gloss over some (apparently) major incidents in the young Khan’s life, this feels like a great start to a trilogy, but on its own two feet it’s a bit week in the knees.

Recommended if you liked The Last Samurai but wished there had been less Tom Cruise and wanted the Japanese to be replaced with Mongolians…uh…yeah, that. Recommended if you wanted that.

| Buy Mongol on Blu-ray

XXY
An Argentinian coming-of-age film with a slight twist, this film is a bit hard to describe and even harder to recommend, not because it’s necessarily bad, but because the subject matter is so intense. The filmmaking technique is superb and the performances are spot on, but I’m not sure what else to say at the moment. Expect a full review on it tomorrow.

Recommended if you liked…hmmm…not sure I can finish this sentence.

More yummy movie-thingies after the jump…

War, Inc.
John Cusack does anti-war satire! Cusack is a hitman who has been hired by the government to assassinate an oil minister in the country of Turaqistan (subtle, I know) and must deal with Middle Eastern pop stars and liberal reporters as well as his conflicted conscience. While the critical reception was slightly mixed, this film (which also stars Ben Kingsley, Hillary Duff, Marisa Tomei, and Dan Akroyd) seems wacky enough to warrant a must-see-before-I-die sticker.

Recommended if you liked Grosse Point Blank or Three Kings.

| Buy War, Inc. on Blu-ray

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull -
Finally we come to the major release of the week, and with all the TV coverage, you’d have to be blind and deaf not to know that this is coming out on DVD tomorrow. What else is there to be said, really? If you didn’t see it in the theaters, rent it now. It’s a fun ride but don’t expect too much, since there were way too many cooks in the kitchen on this one and it shows. Worst scene? Shia Lebuffed swinging through the jungle on vines like Tarzan…who puts that in a movie? Really? I blame you, George Lucas.

Recommended if you’ve been sitting in the corner, quietly crying for the past 6 months, wanting to know about this “Indiana Jones” thing all the cool kids were doing, but too afraid to ask. Now you can see for yourself in the quiet of your own home where no one can make fun of you.

| Buy Indiana Jones and the Yada Yada Yada on Blu-ray

The Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything
The Veggie Tales IP has certainly fallen by the wayside in recent years, but Larry the cucumber and Bob the tomato are always good for a few wholesome chuckles. If you’ve got kiddies and you’re tired of playing that nightmarish Barney DVD for the 863rd time, then this might be a good choice.

Recommended if talking vegetables don’t haunt your dreams, and especially if they don’t give you orders on political assassinations. If they do, then this might possibly be the worst film you could watch.

Recommended if you liked the two minutes that featured Bill Murray in Get Smart

Quarantine
I saw the original version of this film (which was a Spanish movie entitled [REC]), and I thought it was a taut little zombie thriller, made in the faux-real style of The Blair Witch Project (as was the fashion at the time). This English-language version looks like a pretty straightforward redo, so I can recommend it with a fair amount of certainty. I’m not sure why they used the final shot of the film for the poster, though. If you hate spoilers, don’t look to the left.

Recommended if you liked The Blair Witch Project, Cloverfield, or Diary of the Dead

The Express
Yet another racially-charged sports drama based on a true story. The only surprise? It’s not from Disney.

Recommended if you liked Remember the Titans, Miracle, The Longshots, Coach Carter, Cool Runnings, etc., etc.

Body of Lies
The long-awaited remake of Traitor, this one finds Leo DiCaprio chasing terrorists around the Middle East. And also, there’s Russel Crowe. And also, Ridley Scott (who hasn’t made a truly great film in quite a while, but there’s always a chance…).

Recommended if you liked Traitor, Blood Diamond, or American Gangster

Billy: The Early Years of Billy Graham
Here’s some movie trivia for you: Billy Graham shares an alma mater with horror auteur Wes Craven: Wheaton College of Illinois. But for some reason, Wheaton has a “Billy Graham Center,” but no “Wes Craven Center.” Go figure. Oh, and as for the movie, I think the title tells you pretty much all you need to know. It also has the word “Billy” in it twice, in case you…really like the word “Billy.”

Recommended if you love traveling evangelists, or if you want to know what makes them tick

Something else that might be interesting (!), Daniel Getahun is running a Movie Mogul Game over at his corner of the internets, so zip that way and join up. Just try and best me and my exhaustive grasp of box office economics. Just try.

Boy A
This one sounds like a downer (young boy is convicted of murder, boy goes to prison, boy gets out anonymously as adult, boy tries to experience life, boy’s hopes end horribly, etc.), but I’m still intrigued. As it’s a no-name production team behind a no-name cast, this one is as indie as they come, but I’m intrigued. Consider me a sucker for well-made depression fests (Requiem For a Dream is in my Top 10). See also: Alexander Coleman’s glowing take on the film.

Recommended if you liked I Stand Alone, The Woodsman, or Requiem For a Dream.

The Visitor
I would resolutely ignore this film about a middle aged man “discovering” himself though a relationship with an immigrant couple except that it’s been squarely praised in the critical community. The premise calls to mind images of peeling linoleum, growing grass, and drying paint, but I’m willing to give it a shake (Chuck Bowen gave it a modest 2.5 stars). Richard Jenkins (the sad sack ex-priest in love with Francis McDormand in the Coens’ recent Burn After Reading) stars.

Recommended if you liked In America, Under the Same Moon, or The Toxic Avenger (just seeing if you’re awake).

| Buy The Visitor on Blu-ray

The Happening –
You might be wondering why this is higher on the list than Paranoid Park, or even You Don’t Mess With the Zohan for that matter. The answer is that a glorious train wreck is infinitely more interesting to me than a plodding Van Sant film (although I am in excited about Milk) or a mediocre Sandler vehicle. I didn’t bother to see this in the theater, but after all the bile and vomit that spewed forth from critics (and general audiences) after seeing this, I have to confess that the cat is curious and willing to risk death. Could it really even be worse than Lady In the Water? Phillip certainly thought so.

Recommended if a) you have the same screw loose in your head that Shyamalan does or b) you want to see the professional filmmaking equivalent of the Titanic sinking.

| Buy The Happening on Blu-ray

More goodies after the jump.

Paranoid Park –
Gus Van Sant has his mainstream output (Finding Forrester, the pointless Psycho remake) and his ridiculously niche indie output (Gerry, Elephant), and every once in a while he manages to combine the two aesthetics into a single beautiful package (Good Will Hunting managed this and the upcoming Milk looks to as well). Paranoid Park, however, looks like it falls firmly into the uber-niche indie category – not exactly my fave part of his oeuvre. It stars a cast full of non-actors and deals with the aftermath of an accidental crime and the impact it has on a disenfranchised skater kid. Phillip gave it a glowing 4 star review, and even if the film isn’t your cup of tea, his piece on it is excellent.

Recommended if you dug Wassup Rockers, and if you don’t know what that is then this probably isn’t for you.

You Don’t Mess With the Zohan –
My favorite line from Luke’s review: “There’s no doubt in my mind that Sandler has a sign hanging above his desk that reads, ‘WHEN IN DOUBT, PENIS’; for this film, he’s at least supplemented it with one that says ‘WHEN IN DOUBT, HUMMUS.’”

That, I believe, speaks for itself.

Recommended if Goatboy and the Hanukkah Song represent the apex of American comedy for you.

| Buy You Don’t Mess With the Zohan on Blu-ray

Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer
I know nothing about this, but I do know that if I don’t mention it Haiku Girl will jump all over me again. So to prevent that from happening, I’m including it here. This has gotten a little buzz of the bargain basement variety and features (I’m just guessing here) a guy named Jack Brook who…. wait for it… wait for it…. slays monsters. Robert Englund also stars (you know, the dude who’s managed to milk his Freddy Krueger performance for every no-budget horror film it’s worth).

Recommended if that thar poster to the left looks intriguing at all. I have to admit there is a certain charm to it…

Blindness
Based on the novel by Jose Saramago, this thriller follows the collapse of society after an epidemic renders everyone blind. Specifically, it focuses on a handful of people trapped in a prison and the woman who is immune to the disease and becomes their de facto leader. The trailer makes it look pretty good.

Recommended if you liked Children of Men, Doomsday or 28 Days Later

Flash of Genius
In 1963, Robert Kearns invented the first intermittent windshield wiper. (You probably take them for granted — they’re the sort that you don’t have to keep turning on and off when it’s not pouring.) He tried to sell them to the Ford Motor Company, who turned him down — and then ripped off his idea and never paid him a cent. Then Chrysler turned around and did the exact same thing. Yeah, it sounds like the set up for a bad joke, unless you know that it’s completely true. And while Kearns eventually won the lawsuits against the two corporations, it took him 30 years and $10 million in legal costs. This is the story of the little guy standing up to the Man…and winning a minor victory.

Recommended if you liked Tucker: The Man and His Dream, Seabiscuit, or October Sky

Appaloosa
Half a century ago, the western genre was Hollywood’s bread and butter, with every entry guaranteed to make the big bucks. It was a commercial product, like the silly musical of the 1930’s or the muscle-bound action movie of the 1980’s. Then it died completely (thank you, Heaven’s Gate), and then it came back about ten years ago, reborn as a genre for prestige pictures. Weird, right? But anyway, here’s the latest horse opera Oscar bait (or is it still too early in the year to call things that?), starring Viggo Mortensen, Jeremy Irons and Renee Zellweger.

Recommended if you liked The Departed, 3:10 to Yuma, or The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

More after the jump. (Kriss Kross’ll make ya…)

How to Lose Friends and Alienate People
Don’t you just love Wikipedia? Nothing like having too many chefs around to make the best broth ever (or however that saying goes). Here’s a direct quote from their article on this film, emphasis mine: “How to Lose Friends & Alienate People is a comedy film based upon British writer Toby Young’s 2001 memoir of the same name. The film will follow a similar storyline, about his five year struggle to make it in the United States after employment at Vanity Fair magazine — though the names of the magazine and people Young came into contact with during the time were changed for the film adaptation. The film version is a highly fictionalized account, and differs greatly from the work it was built upon.” Okay. I’m glad we got that one figured out.

Recommended if you’ve been wishing the Farrelly brothers would read a book

An American Carol
On paper, it sounds like the worst idea ever for a movie: Chris Farley’s kid brother plays a Michael Moore rip-off (they’ve cleverly changed his last name to “Malone”) who’s determined to abolish Independence Day. Then on Independence Day Eve (is there such a thing?), he’s visited by the spirits of George Washington, George Patton, and John Kennedy, who change his cold, cold, heart. Or something. No thanks, right? I watched the trailer, though, and it looks like it might be a bit funnier than it deserves to be. Don’t quote me on that or anything, but it just might be the best David Zucker film since The Naked Gun 2½. Not that that’s saying anything, but still.

Recommended if you think that what the world desperately needs is yet another rip-off of Charles Dickens

Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist –
A couple of music-loving kids stay up all night, swapping tunes, trying to find a drunk friend, and falling in love. I really can’t recommend this one much, unless you’re too young to realize that your music collection isn’t mankind’s greatest achievement to date. The teenaged crowd I saw it with totally ate it up, though, so I guess it works for some people. Proceed with caution.

Recommended if your absolute favorite memory is the day you discovered Secret Machines

Religulous
Anyone want to pay ten bucks to find out why Bill Maher doesn’t like religion? Yeah, me neither. Moving on.

Recommended if you liked Disturbia or Gigli (a couple of other films with titles that consist of made-up words that aren’t worth figuring out how to pronounce)

Beverly Hill Chihuahua
Generic, recycled plot + talking animals + the only PG rating currently in theaters = pure box office gold. Do parents know that the MPAA is playing them for saps? It’s possible, but I guess there’s something to be said for anything that shuts your four-year-old up for a couple of hours, even if it is actively making him stupider the whole time. The only thing good you can say about this film? They’ve come up with some great taglines for it. (Stuff like “I, chihuahua” and “The greatest chihuahua movie ever!”)

Recommended if you really, seriously, didn’t see anything at all appealing about the last seven movies I mentioned. Come on, guys.

So the site has been a little molasses-like lately; the above picture provides clues to my absence. The production company I work for is currently filming two episodes of our puppet-filled kid’s show, Pahappahooey Island. Yours truly is the script supervisor, and in between 13 hour work days and making sure Puppet #3’s ray blaster doesn’t magically switch hands from scenes 33 to 34, I have had no time to regale you with film reviews and sparkling commentary. Come Friday life returns to normal and the site should as well. In the mean time, some of these things called “movies” are being released on this new technology called “DVD.” You might find such things of interest.

Jellyfish –
In a week full of quality releases, this is my number one pick. This tiny Israeli film about the casually intersecting lives of 3 women took me completely off guard. It’s not about plot or even character, but evoking a distinct mood. I expected to be bored to tears, but instead I was absolutely enchanted. Jellyfish worked some kind of black magic over me, and while I hesitate to recommend it since it is such a unique flavor, I can’t contain my enthusiasm for it.

Recommended if you liked Lost In Translation.

Bigger, Stronger, Faster* –
It’s been a great year for docs: Man On Wire, American Teen, Up the Yangtze, and now Bigger, Stronger, Faster: The Side Effects of Being American. Ostentatiously about the controversy surrounding performance enhancing drugs in competitive athletics, it ends up becoming something so much more. One part personal journey, one part info-intense breakdown of drug abuse, one part sociological commentary, this is one of the year’s best films. Watch Oscar screw it over come February.

Recommended if you liked Pumping Iron or Sicko.

Iron Man -
A teensy-weensy film about this dude in an iron suit clocks in at #3. A great summer blockbuster in a summer filled with a surprising number of great blockbusters (The Dark Knight, Speed Racer, Hellboy 2), this could have potentially been another Daredevil, Elektra, or (shudder) Catwoman, if not for one mitigating factor: Mr. Downey Jr. If Johnny Depp can get nominated for Pirates of the Caribbean, then why the heck can’t Robert snag a nomination? Especially since he pulled a second killer punch with his scene-stealing turn in Tropic Thunder?

Recommended if nothing would make you happier than attaching a rocket powered ordinance to every one of your appendages.

| Buy Iron Man on Blu-ray

OSS 117: Cairo, Nest of Spies
This is a gem of a film, and if there was ever an excuse to use mise-en-scène (which is basically a French term for the “look” or overall “feel” of a film that pretentious people like to bandy about), this is it. Not only is the film French, but it has the most giddily preposterous aesthetic I’ve seen in a long time. The film is shot to look like a cheezy 1950s spy flick, what a James Bond knock-off might have looked like back in the day, replete with goofy special effects and over-the-top slapstick. This is a one-of-a-kind film that needs to be experienced to be believed. Peruse Daniel Getahun’s excellent review on it.

Recommended if James Bond is too serious and Austin Powers is too silly, but by golly you’ve just gotta watch a spy flick.

Hit the jump for the rest of the selections, which are by no means shabby propositions.

Taxi to the Dark Side
Alex Gibney is quickly becoming the premiere documentary filmmaker (and no, I don’t count Michael Moore in that category). First was Enron: The Smartest Guys In the Room. Recently was Gonzo: The Life and Times of Hunter S. Thompson. But in betwixt those two came his Oscar-winning Taxi to the Dark Side, about the systematic torture and abuse of an innocent man at the whim American military machine. Now I’m not one to hop on the Bash America bandwagon, but stories like these need to be told.

Recommended if you liked No Way Out or One Day in September.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Yeah yeah it’s another Apatow film, and yeah yeah another grubby man-child in the midst of arrested development shows off his Captain Winkie for the whole wide world. Yikes, how tired am I of this formula? By all accounts this really wasn’t a bad film, but I am so burned out on the Apatow formula, and there are so many other great films to be watched, that I can’t muster any excitement here. You know if you want to see it, and I am not likely to stop you. Go forth and be Apatowed.

Recommended if blah blah blah penis blah blah blah gets your attention.

| Buy Forgetting Sarah Marshall on Blu-ray

Beaufort
Along with The Band’s Visit and Jellyfish, Israeli film has had a killer year. Beaufort is quite different, a war film rather than a sublime comedy about the human experience, and for some awful reason it was submitted to the Academy rather than the other two (stupid rules about the English language and financing, whatever). It didn’t win, but it arrives on DVD now, asking for your attention.

Recommended if you liked No Man’s Land or The Battle For Algiers.

Bin Of Shame
Ok, it’s really not fair to stick some of these films in the Bin of Shame, but two of them are musical docs (I think I’ve made myself quite clear on that account) and the third is apparently an exercise in cinematic hubris outclassed only by M. Night Shyamalan. Anyway, I mention them here for those who care. Follow the Amazon links if you’re curious.

CSNY / Deja Vu –

Lou Reed Berlin –

Chapter 27 –

Actually, there’s a real reason that these have been later, lately (huh?). When we started the site, I had a cushy dayjob where all I had to do was sit around in a cubicle all day and do nothing. That gave me copious amounts of time to write blog posts. Then the economy tanked (lousy Republicans! or Democrats! pretty much whichever you’d like to hear me blame!), and I understandably got laid off. So not only do I not have hours and hours where I sit in front of a computer with nothing to do anymore, I’m actually working two jobs (one part-time, one freelance) in an effort to, y’know, keep my cat well-fed. (You should see how he looks at me. So sad. So smelly.) So these might be a bit more erratic, unless of course I suddenly develop some discipline. (By the way, I’m not looking for your pity — just your money.)

Anyway, what? Oh yeah, movies. Once again, these are in the order of my level of interest, which changes by the hour.

Miracle at St. Anna
Well, yeah. Of course St. Anna does miracles. She’s a friggin’ saint. But aside from that, this one looks pretty awesome. Provocateur-director Spike Lee (Do the Right Thing, Bamboozled, She Hate Me) tackles a World War II picture? It’s an idea that’s so good, you wonder why it hasn’t happened before. This one follows the all-black American 92nd Infantry Division, who get stranded in a small Tuscan village and come across a priceless artifact. Looks kind of like a cross between a war film, a mystery/thriller, and — yes — a Spike Lee movie.

Recommended if you liked Windtalkers, Three Kings, or Summer of Sam

Eagle Eye
Yes, it has Shia LaBeouf. And yes, apparently I’m the only one who doesn’t realize how awful he is. (Come on, guys — was he really that bad in Indy 4? I’m not sending him any fan mail or anything, but I wasn’t shaken to the core by how awful he was, the way everyone else seems to be. Whatever.) But they’ve paired him with Michelle Monahghan (Gone Baby Gone) and it looks like they’ve put together a nifty little thriller. Apparently, some terrorists frame them for crimes and force them to commit heinous acts. Y’know — the usual.

Recommended if you like 24 or the Bourne trilogy, or you wish 88 Minutes hadn’t sucked

Fireproof
Yes, it’s a “Christian movie” (whatever that dubious phrase may mean). And yes, “Christian movies” usually suck. But it looks as though they may be finally coming into their own. Yeah, I know that’s what they said about One Night with the King. And Facing the Giants. And — frighteningly — even Left Behind. But this one has some potential, and advance reviews have been pretty good. This one is about a firefighter who has to rebuild his marriage — and he does it with Jesus’ help, not through the triumph of the human spirit. That makes it a hard sell, but give it a chance and I don’t think you’ll be (entirely) disappointed.

Recommended if Ladder 49 didn’t have enough “Jesuses per minute” for you

And…more after the jump.

Choke
I tend to be a fan of Chuck Palahniuk (who also wrote the seminal Fight Club), but I tried reading Choke and just couldn’t make it through. There’s only so much spoiled white trash people who hate their lives that you can take. Fortunately, Clark Gregg has done all the work of reading the book for me, and made this nifty little Cliffs Notes version. (Yes, it looks that faithful to the book.) This is the story of a sexual addict who chokes on food in restaurants for fun and has to impregnate a nurse in order to save his mother. See what I’m talking about? Virtually unreadable. But you get a “A” for effort, Chuck.

Recommended if you liked Fight Club, or, um…yeah, I don’t know. This movie’s in a league of its own. (But definitely not recommended if you liked A League of Their Own.)

Towelhead
For those of you who don’t know, “towelhead” is a derogatory term for an Arab. Being as young as I am, I grew up in a world that was virtually devoid of racist terminology, so I’m always surprised to learn these things — the only time I hear the words are in the titles of movies made by people who think they’re combating racism in provocative ways. And…it looks like that pretty much sums up this movie. The big-screen debut of director Alan Ball (who wrote American Beauty), this film tells the story of an Arab girl growing up in Texas. It was based on a popular novel, and it features Aaron Eckhart…so it’s probably worth a look.

Recommended if you liked Persepolis…maybe

The Lucky Ones
There are few types of films I care about less than dramas about the Iraq War. (Yeah, yeah, Hollywood, we get it: it was a mistake. As usual, we’re all very impressed by the 20/20-ness of your hindsight.) This one throws something new into the mix, though, by making it a road movie about some veterans. It’s still a little too serious for my tastes, but if that sounds good to you, go nuts.

Recommended if you wish Stop-Loss had had more Road Trip to it.

Nights in Rodanthe
Um…can someone explain to me why, exactly, we need more than one Nicholas Sparks movie? The guy just writes the same book over and over again. A Walk to Remember was vaguely interesting for saving Mandy Moore’s career — and making Switchfoot’s; The Notebook wasn’t interesting at all. And now Nights in Rodanthe stars Richard Gere, which makes it negatively interesting. If you’re thinking about taking me to this movie, please just put me on the rack for several hours instead. We’ll both be much happier that way.

Recommended if you can’t find a DVD of Gone with the Wind