Yeah, yeah…go, Batman. We all love Batman.

The Dark Knight

I fear the fanboys, so I can’t say anything bad about this movie. So…let’s see…This movie is guaranteed to be the best thing ever. Batman is not getting old as a character at all, even after 70-odd years of doing the same thing over and over. Assuredly, this latest flavor of Batman will be better than all previous attempts to make him relevant, and I certainly can’t think of anything that I’d rather take seriously than a guy who dresses up in a rubber bat costume to fight a sociopath in a clown outfit. A remake of Tim Burton’s 1989 film was way overdue (it’s been almost 20 years! get your head in the game, Hollywood!). And finally, Heath Ledger died tragically after filming this one, which is proof-positive that this is his best performance ever. Enjoy your opiate, masses. (All joking aside, the trailer does make this one look pretty cool. I’ll probably go. Just not on opening night…the thought of rabid Batman fans scares the guano out of me.)

Recommended if…yeah, I’m not even gonna bother. You’re all lined up at the box office already.

Space Chimps

If you were wondering why Dark Knight was still my top choice, despite my sarcasm (what sarcasm?), here’s your answer (well, this movie and the next one). CG animals with celebrity voices are, of course, all the rage right now, because just like Batman, they’re not getting old at all. Every studio in Hollywood knows that kids aren’t particularly discerning, and their parents just want them to shut up for an hour and a half, so the studio suits just play this little Mad Lib game: “(type of talking animal) in (mildly surprising location).” Now fill in the blanks with “zoo animals in Madagascar,” “forest animals in suburbia,” “penguins in the tropics,” or “chimpanzees in space” and you’ve already made yourself a cool $100 million. Who even needs a clever script or the latest animation software? Plus, the sequels to these things practically write themselves!

Recommended if you just can’t get enough mediocrity.

Mamma Mia!

…And if you’re looking for a movie trend even more nauseating than CG animals, how about a nice musical? Like nearly every bad film musical, this was based on a bad stage musical. And like nearly every bad stage musical, that one was based on the aging works of a washed-up pop band (in this case, ABBA). If the trailer is any indication, this one looks to be two hours of Meryl Streep, Pierce Brosnan, and Colin Firth, among others, all standing on piers and lip-synching to songs you were hoping you’d never hear again. There’s an outside chance that this could be watchable, but if you’ve really got that musical itch, you’re probably better off renting The Music Man for the umpteenth time and waiting for High School Musical 3 in October.

Recommended if you still haven’t gotten over that 1980s nostalgia that the rest of us have been sick of since, like, 1991.

So there’s this movie called The Beach Party at the Threshold of Hell that stars Daniel Baldwin (is that B or C grade Baldwin? Or is it D? I can never remember.) coming out today. It also has, oddly enough, the ‘National Lampoon Presents’ qualifier attached to the beginning, although we all know how much that counts for these days. Suffice to say, I will not be mentioning this film below, but I thought I would share with you the kinds of freakshow anomalies I come across while trudging through the back alleys of Amazon’s release lists. See the service I provide for you? See?

The Bank Job -
I noticed something while looking over my review for The Bank Job (ok, this will be totally tangential to the film itself…it’s a good enough heist flick, definitely worth a rent. Now, with that out of the way…). The wordcount for it is 530. Now, take a look at my recent reviews-Hellboy 2, for instance. It has a wordcount of 1350. Ouch. I’ve obviously gotten a bit more windy in the last 5 months. The question is, is that a good thing or bad? My review for The Bank Job is written well enough, I guess, but it essentially is nothing more than what I like to call an “eloquent recap.” I’m telling you what happened, eloquently enough, but it’s simply a blow-by-blow of the plot and actors, yada yada yada. Pretty dull, in fact. In my piece for Hellboy 2 I actually make a few decent observations about the nature of the film as muse for del Toro rather than a simple comic book adaptation (well, at least I think so). It’s not just a decently written breakdown of the various elements - I’m trying to make broader points that tie into the visual genius of del Toro as a filmmaker.

And no, I’m not having a blogging crisis in which I desperately seek validation from you, my semi-frequent readership. I’m just wondering: which do you prefer? Short and sweet yet slightly monotonous? Or longer, more detailed, and with more (I hope) expansive observations? Or, more simply, have I become a windbag in desperate need of an editor? Sound off in the comments, and remember: be honest.

Recommended if you liked Ocean’s Eleven, The Italian Job, or Ronin

The Year My Parents Went on Vacation
I missed this one when it hit the Circle (our local arthouse) earlier in the year. A incisive look at the waning years of Brazil’s last military dictatorship as seen through the eyes of a child abandoned by his parents searching for a better life, this one looks like it could hit the sweet spot emotionally. It also revolves around football (why do we Americans have to re-brand things -i.e., soccer - with idiotic names all the time?) and the World Cup. Critical reception has been good. Probably worth a look.

Recommended if you liked Cinema Paradisio or Life is Beautiful

Meet Bill
I’m a sucker for Aaron Eckhart, ever since I saw him in the absolutely fabulous Thank You For Smoking (if you haven’t seen it, rent it immediately - it’s the film that Jason Reitman debuted with before directing Juno). I’ve heard little about this one. It appears to be a mid-life crisis comedy of some sort (perhaps a more lighthearted version of About Schmidt?), and has a thrilling supporting cast, which includes Elizabeth Banks, Timothy Olyphant, Jessica Alba, and Kristen Wiig. In lolcat speak, “I haz an intrest.”

Recommended if you liked About Schmidt or wished American Beauty had been, you know, less depressing.

Hit the jump for the stragglers, but you’ve been warned: it’s not pretty.
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Hey friends…and welcome to new readers. For the unitiated, we do this twice a week: One of us goes through the new releases and makes fun of them, and then the fanboys post angry comments. Again, the movies are listed in order of my own interest…not the order that the various Hollywood cartels would have us put them in. Enjoy.

Journey to the Center of the Earth
I think it’s safe to say that no one is rooting for Walden Media more than myself. I just can’t say anything terribly bad about a company dedicated to turning great children’s books into great movies, and Because of Winn-Dixie and the latest Narnia movie were both brilliant. Heck, they even had a hand in distributing Michael Apted’s Amazing Grace, which I thank them for. Unfortunately, they just don’t have a very good track record, particularly when it comes to Jules Verne (Around the World in 80 Days, anyone?). On the bright side, this very loose adaptation of his novel of the same name looks fairly easy to sit through — it’s in 3D, which promises eye candy; and after Dudley Do-Right, it can’t possibly be Brendan Frasier’s worst film (although it remains to be seen whether The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor will usurp that particular title). The verdict? This probably isn’t terrible, but if you’re looking for famblee entertainment, WALL-E is likely a better choice.

Recommended if you didn’t learn your lesson from Beowulf

Hellboy II: The Golden Army
Ladies and gentlemen, I present “Exhibit A” in the category of “Second Installment of a Comic Book Franchise That I Don’t Particularly Care About From a Director I Otherwise Admire” (see next week’s The Dark Knight for Exhibit B). I guess the first Hellboy had its admirers (…cue the crickets), but I thought that it was one of the most unrelentingly stupid things I’d ever had to sit through, and had all of one good scene (that one where Hellboy talks to that kid on that roof — why couldn’t the whole movie have been like that?). But “visionary director” (thanks to the Hellboy II trailer for that not-at-all-desperate-sounding phrase) Guilermo del Toro proved with Pan’s Labrynth that he can, in fact, direct a real movie…and the trailer for this one looks kind of cool. So it might be worth a shot. Oh, and for those of you who don’t know the premise: Hellboy is some sort of reformed demon who battles some sort of bad guys and some sort of saves the day. Y’know — not at all like Ghost Rider or Spawn. Or Blade. Or…um…Little Nicky.

Recommended if you liked V for Vendetta or 300

Meet Dave
Ugh…watch me not care. Yet another halfway-decent high concept, ruined by the presence of Eddie Murphy. Hey, producers: Just because Eddie implied that he might sorta-kinda be able to act in Dreamgirls doesn’t mean that you need to keep giving him work, especially in movies that would still be forgettable garbage even if they starred Alec Guinness. Anyway, Eddie is a human-shaped spaceship piloted by bite-sized aliens, and…yeah, sorry, but an Eddie Murphy vehicle just isn’t worth any more effort.

Recommended if your girl wants to party all the time, party all the time, party all the time…

Here come the latest cinematic offerings on DVD. Speaking of DVD, have you ever heard of the “6 Degrees of Jesus” game on Wikipedia (Luke introduced it to me)? It’s where you attempt to get to the article on Jesus from another article in six or less clicks. Starting with the entry for DVD, I went to Star Trek: The Original Series –> Star Trek V: The Final Frontier –> God –> Bible –> Jesus. 5 clicks, however, is not that impressive. Major props in the comments section to anyone who can do it in 4 or less. The gauntlet has been thrown down!

Also, if you’re new to the MovieZeal, I rank these in order of interest, with ‘interest’ being defined as whatever my fickle little brain is into at the moment.

Batman - Gotham Knight
Ok, so I’m cheating a bit with this one. Not only is it not a theatrical release, it’s direct-to-video and animated to boot. However, seeing as I’m in full-on OCD Dark Knight mode and being forced to wait 2 weeks until it actually hits theaters (oh please oh please let there be a press screening I can go to), and seeing as this 6-part anime inspired tale of Bruce Wayne’s rise to the cowl was written by David Goyer (Batman Begins) and Josh Olson (A History of Violence) among others, I think I can be forgiven my lapse in propriety. This looks wicked cool and will provide a nice diversion until July 18th.

Recommended if you, like me, have been carving little Batman symbols in your arm to pass the time.

The Tracy Fragments
A fractured tale of a young girl finding herself, this Canadian film stars Ellen Page, who you might have seen in a little independent film last year called Juno. It employs a how-many-frames-can-we-get-on-the-screen-at-once aesthetic, revealing multiple angles of the same scene at the same time. It could be a revelation or it could be gimmick-overload. Regardless, I’m there for anything and everything that contains Ellen Page (except X-Men 3…shame on you, Ellen, shame on you).

Recommended if Juno meets 24 sounds interesting to you, and while that may be an accurate description (at least superficially), I’m also sure it’s completely misleading.

Chop Shop -
I profess a detached, clinical admiration for this film. A cinéma vérité exploration of two orphaned siblings struggling to make ends meet amidst the grungy body shops of back alley Queens, the film is beautiful in its own, minimalist way. Although I was moved at times, and although director Ramin Bahrani is unquestionably talented, I have little to no desire ever to visit it again. An impressive work, but one that failed to leave a distinct impression.

Recommended if you liked Man Push Cart or 4 Months, 3 Weeks, and 2 Days

The Ruins -
Even though Luke nailed this one to the wall with all the extreme prejudice of Dogg the Bounty Hunter on crack, I would still rather watch it than Stop-Loss. I’m not sure if that says more about me or…yeah, I’ll just be honest, it says more about me. So, there’s this ancient primordial evil that these kids find in a South American jungle and…get this, it hunts them down! Pretty original, no? Apparently there are some pretty nasty bits and also some unintentionally humorous ones. Hopefully for the movie’s sake the two don’t overlap too often.

Recommended if you liked Anaconda, Primeval, or Touristas.

Hit the jump for the rest of this weeks selection.
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So…these aren’t, uh, late or anything. Nope, not at all. Hold on, I see something shiny in the distance…

Shotgun Stories
This one elbows its way into the top spot through critical tidal wave alone. A small indie that received limited distribution, it deals with male angst set against the backdrop of the rural south, and if there is anything I know more about than the rural south, it’s male angst. Throw in a shotgun and a dead daddy it gets even more angsty…perhaps even too much angst, some might say.

Recommended if you liked In the Bedroom or Undertow

City of Men
Fernando Meirelles’ 2002 City of God was a vision. I’m not entirely sure what kind of vision it was, and I’m still not sure I even liked it, but it was an incredible directorial debut, the kind one might have to wander out to an abandoned crossroads and sell their soul to the Devil for. Meirelles didn’t direct this loose sequel (there is a TV series that apparently bridges the two films), but it has received generally positive reviews, and Rick Olson had some good things to say about it, so color me…whatever one might color oneself if one is interested in a movie (I could take a page out of Tobias Funke’s book and go the ‘blue’ route, but that’s a topic for another discussion entirely).

Recommended if you liked City of God or Tsotsi

Vantage Point -
Basically Rashomon-lite for the 24 junkie, I liked this more than I probably should have. President gets shot, they show it from 87 different angles, gotta solve the mystery, yada yada yada. Yes it gets tedious, yes the Big Twist is screaming itself in your ear the moment the film begins, and yes it does nothing particularly new/clever/interesting. But I still liked it. It had a cool car chase and they blew stuff up. What can I say? Sometimes I’m as easy as 10-piece puzzle for ages 3 and up.

Recommended if you liked Face-Off, The Kingdom, or watching Forest Whitaker sweat a lot

My Blueberry Nights -
I desperately wanted to like this one, if only for the glowing adoration showered down upon it by my illustrious colleagues. Sadly, it was not to be, and Miss Norah Jones and co. rubbed me every which wrong way imaginable. However, I truly believe there is some glittering siren lurking somewhere in this picture, just beneath the surface, and it may charm the blueberry pie right out of your digestive track (ewww). So don’t by afraid to give it a whirl.

Recommended if you liked…well golly, I can’t think of anything to compare this to. It’s kind of in a league of its own.

Hit the jump for the dishonorable mentions of the week.
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Since it’s a holiday weekend, the movies come out on Wednesday. Why? Because Hollywood wants (no — needs!) your money. The only question is…do they deserve it? Stay tuned to find out…

Hancock
Will Smith plays an inept, alcoholic superhero. Should be funny; kind of is. I caught an early showing of this one, and I have to say: it’s one of the weirdest experiences I’ve ever had with a major Hollywood release. The first half is a quirky comedy that’s a lot of fun; then it suddenly decides it wants to be an epic tragedy halfway through, and introduces all sorts of mythology that I just wasn’t ready to buy into. It’s like two completely different movies glued together. Imagine watching Highlander and Highlander II back-to-back (skipping all the credits and titles, of course) — that’s the best comparison I can think of. Is it worth seeing? Well…it’s not exactly the chameleon’s lobotomy, but the first half is almost worth the price of admission. Evan should have a full review up sometime today or tomorrow.

Recommended if you liked Mystery Men, My Super Ex-Girlfriend, or Sky High…but wished they were all trilogies, with a third chapter roughly as disappointing as The Matrix Revolutions

Kit Kittredge: An American Girl
After three made-for-TV movies, the popular American Girl franchise (which also includes books, magazines, and dolls — all of which have no doubt sucked away some of your hard-earned cash if you have daughters) makes the jump to the big screen. Um, yay? This is the story of Kit Kittredge, an American girl (get it?) who grew up during the Great Depression. It’s probably awful, but then again, where else can your nine-year-old girl go to learn self-esteem, tolerance, and American history? If I were a nine-year-old girl, I’d be all over this thing. Heck, we need an American Boy franchise. Why? Because your son ain’t learning about the Great Depression from that copy of Grand Theft Auto IV you just bought him. Think about that one.

Recommended if your daughter is sick of having her intelligence insulted by the Disney Princess line.

I enjoy these little talks we have. I pretend to be funny, you pretend to laugh, and we all pretend that Hollywood’s latest releases actually matter somehow. And I get to force my opinions on you, and then you get to argue with me. This is what memories are made of, friends. Promise me that nothing will change when we’re famous, and probably addicted to a lot of different drugs? I know, I know…just…promise. Please? *Sniff.*

Here’s my thought of the week: Don’t you think MovieZeal should have a mascot? Like, maybe a cartoon eel called the MoviezEal? That would be almost as awesome as…

WALL-E
Yep, the latest soon-to-be classic from Pixar Animation Studios. This time it’s an epic tale of a humble little robot who gets to travel to the farthest reaches of space. Y’know, it’s funny, but I feel like there’s nothing left to say about this one, and it hasn’t even reached theaters yet. It’s no exaggeration to say that expectations are astronomically high - as well they should be, after Finding Nemo, The Incredibles, Ratatouille, and yes, even Cars. If the trailers are any indication, this one is sure to be nothing short of incredible (it looks like a mash-up of a old Mickey Mouse cartoon and Star Wars). If I was slightly more impulsive, I probably would have bought a ticket for each of the first twelve showings already.

Recommended if you like awesomeness. Seriously, there’s no reason to miss this one, unless you’re a 13-year-old boy who’s afraid of being seen at a G-rated movie.

Wanted
…And if you are that 13-year-old boy, here’s your pick for the week: the latest comic book adaptation in a summer of no less than five comic book adaptations (at my count - am I forgetting any?). I haven’t read the comic book, and the trailer makes it look idiotic, and it has Angelina Jolie in it, so it could suck - but it’s getting good reviews (a solid 67% at Metacritic). What’s it about? Hard to say. It looks like a rip-off of all those rip-offs of The Matrix that clogged cineplexes around the turn of the century. I’m pretty sure, though, that if you’re into ridiculous action movies, this one will deliver the goods. Just don’t come crying to me if it turns out to be insanely stupid.

Recommended if you liked The Matrix, Sin City, and Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children, but wished they had Morgan Freeman and were a lot more generic.

Things are finally looking up on the DVD front this week. You have two stellar options to choose from. Also in milestones, we have a review for every major release this week, which I think means that we have officially arrived as a film blog, as in pull-up-in-a-stretch-limo-to-the-glittery-red-carpet-with-paparazzi-chasing-you-all-Lindsey-Lohan-like arrived. Or something like that. Whatever. At least I think it’s cool.

In Bruges -
It was an extremely close call between my first and second picks this week, but I think In Bruges wins out by a smidgen of a hair. Martin McDonagh’s follow up to his blisteringly black short film Six Shooter is a bizarre hodgepodge of genres and tones and styles that defies clean categorization. It has midget jokes and fat people and hitmen and suicide attempts and Colin Farrel’s best performance to date and over-the-top violence and twisted comedic set pieces and…see what I mean? It’s not for everyone, but it is unique filmmaking.

Recommended if Quentin Tarantino doing Goodfellas with Grumpy Old Men set in National Lampoon’s European Vacation appeals to you.

Persepolis -
DVD pick number 2 for the week is a little animated film in French about an Iranian girl coming of age. After typing that sentence, I just realized how boring I made it sound, but trust me when I say it is one of the most original animated to films to come out in quite some time. With a deliciously charming black and white style, it is equal parts humorous and sad, and it is certainly worth your time.

Recommended if you liked The Triplets of Belleville, Renaissance, or Spirited Away

Charlie Bartlett -
“So, when I was in high school, I was like totally unpopular, ok? And then, like, I got all these perscription meds from my psyched out mom and was like, ‘Hey, I can sell these to kids at my school!’, and then I was like, awesome, and then I did it, and then I, like, became real popular and stuff and, it was like…sweeeeeeet. America rocks.”

Apart from its utterly amoral premise, this is supposed to be quite the witty little comedy, which is saying something since most comedies rely solely on genitalia for their laughs, or lack thereof.

Recommended if you liked Juno, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, or Fast Times at Ridgemont High

Hit the jump for the stragglers.
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So…this week, we get an epic, a comedy, and an epic comedy. Or something like that.

Mongol
Nominated for the 2007 Best Foreign Language Film Academy Award, this Kazakhstani epic is the first part of a planned trilogy depicting the life of Ghengis Khan. Here’s the kicker, though: it was made for less than $20 million, and it came out looking this good. I’m not exaggerating at all when I say this film looks mind-blowingly awesome and I need to see it right now.

Recommended if you liked 300 or Alexander, but wished they weren’t so…um…stupid

Get Smart
“I learned something today, kid. It ain’t comedy that’s in my blood; it’s selling out.”
…Besides being a quote from Krusty the Klown on The Simpsons, it may as well be the mantra for Mel Brooks, who’s failed to come up with a new idea since 1987’s Spaceballs (unless you want to count 1993’s Robin Hood: Men in Tights, which was basically a remake of his 1975 TV series When Things Were Rotten). Around the turn of the century, he realized he needed more money and began milking his previously-established properties for all they were worth. First we got Broadway musicals based on The Prouducers and Young Frankenstein (and a new film version of the former); now we get a movie based on his TV series Get Smart; and later this year, you can expect - I swear - Spaceballs: The Animated Series. Hopefully, we’ll be spared Life Stinks: The Hip-Hopera, but I’m not betting on it. On the bright side, this new spy comedy looks genuinely funny and has an awesome cast that includes Steve Carrell, Anne Hathaway, Dwayne Johnson and Alan Arkin. If it’s half as funny as the TV series, it can count on earning my $10.

Recommended if you like movies that couldn’t possibly suck

The Love Guru
Oh…so Mike Myers is a Hindu love guru who has to fix the marriage of a Toronto Maple Leaf? And Jessica Alba plays his love interest? And Justin Timberlake is…um…there? And I’m supposed to care about this…why?

Recommended if you’re infantile enough to think the tagline ( “His karma is huge!”) is actually funny

So I’m learning that in the summer the DVD industry goes through the same dead zone that the box office goes through during the first 3 months of the year. If I had brought my impressive brain skills to bear I could have figured that out quite a while ago (B.O. Burial Ground + 4 Months = DVD Burial Ground), but my grey matter has been busy, you know, solving world peace and whatnot. Things looks up briefly next week with In Bruges and Persepolis, but until then you’re stuck with Matthew McConougheyhey (or however you spell his name) and Martin Lawrence. Joys.

Be Kind Rewind -
Ok, so it’s not all bad. Jack Black and Mos Def in a Michel Gondry film? In any other universe it would be pure bliss, but in our plain-jane Milky Way it’s an average affair that never quite lives up to its stellar promise. Which is sad because I idolize Gondry. If you haven’t seen it, you need to immediately go out and purchase his music video collection from PALM. I have it sitting next to me on my desk and I watch it incessantly. As a filmmaker myself, I can honestly say that no other working director has influenced my style as much as Gondry has. His gift for cinematic illusion is unparalleled and I still can’t figure out how he created a few of his videos, even after having watched them dozens of times. Oh, yeah, the film in question. Black plays a magnetized video store clerk that inadvertently erases every tape in the store, forcing him and his co-clerk Def to reenact classic works (such as Ghostbusters and Driving Miss Daisy) by themselves. Hijinks ensue.

Recommended if you worship the ground Michel Gondry walks on. If you don’t, you should. Immediately. As in now. As in stop drooling on your keyboard and get his music video collection.

Caramel
This is my #2 pick for the week, simply because of the generous critical reception it received. A Lebanese female ensemble comedy about a beauty parlor doesn’t exactly hit me smack dab in the demographic, if you know what I mean, but I’m nothing if not open-minded. For those of you going through *cough* Sex and the City *cough* withdrawals this might do the trick, but I wouldn’t know anything about that. Nothing. At. All.

Recommended if you liked Steel Magnolias, wished Sex and the City had been more ethnic, or have an unhealthy obsession with candied apples.

Hit the jump for more of these here movie thingamajigs.
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A-boogedy-boogedy-boogedy!!! Welcome to Friday the 13th, all. For your consideration, I present you with the three most terrifying films Hollywood could dig up: 1) a monster movie; 2) a movie about a bunch of people…disappearing…to…somewhere; and 3) a scarily bad comedy. Proceed at your own risk…

The Incredible Hulk
HULK MAD. HULK MAKE BAD MOVIE. HULK SMAAAAASH BAD MOVIE. HULK START OVER. HULK MAKE SEQUEL THAT IGNORE PREVIOUS INSTALLMENT. HULK REPLACE REPRESSED FREUDIAN DRAMA WITH AWESOME SPECIAL EFFECTS. HULK SELL LOTS OF LICENSED MERCHANDISE TO CHILDREN UNDER THIRTEEN, DESPITE FILM’S “PG-13″ RATING. HULK MAKE STAN LEE RICH AND HAPPY.

Recommended if you like unnecessary sequels and reboots. Which, given recent box office numbers, apparently describes everyone…

The Happening
You will not see marketing more desperate than this. After the debacles that were The Village and (especially) Lady in the Water, 20th Century Fox is taking no risks with M. Night Shyamalan’s latest project (aside from financing it in the first place - but I digress). This one is “From the director of The Sixth Sense and Signs!” - not those other two, mind you - and the ads proudly trumpet the “R” rating, as if that somehow proves it won’t be childishly self-indulgent like his last couple of films. (Fun quote from the MPAA’s rating website: “…if you are 18 or over, or if you have no children, the rating system has no meaning for you. Ratings are meant for parents, no one else.” Hmmm…) So, what does it all mean? Well, nothing really. Either Shyamalan has been able to learn from his mistakes, or Fox has been unable to learn from the mistakes of others (namely Disney and Warner Bros.). The plot, apparently, is about a bunch of people disappearing, so you can bet that M. Night still thinks he’s God’s gift to suspense - and you can bet on a Big Twist that’s not really all that surprising. Still, if it sounds interesting to you, it might be worth checking out. It does feature “Marky” Mark Wahlberg, who never fails to impress me, even when he’s in terrible movies. So there is that. Meh…proceed with caution.

Recommended if you still haven’t given up on ol’ M. Night.

The Promotion
The New York Post raves: “The Promotion makes Employee of the Month look like David Mamet! No stars!” Seriously, though, critical reception has been extremely mixed on this one, and I know next to nothing about it. I can tell you that it’s an indie comedy directed by Steven Conrad (The Pursuit of Happyness) and released by The Weinstein Company that stars John C. Reilly and Seann William Scott as two supermarket employees fighting each other tooth and nail for a managerial position. I can tell you that that sounds really funny to me. I can tell you that it’s probably not. I can also tell you that the only reason I mentioned this one is because I’m sick of only having one or two big, dumb blockbusters to write about every week. IS SUMMER FRICKIN’ OVER YET?!? I’m sorry. That was uncalled for. I just get…so…so flustered sometimes.

Recommended if you liked Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story; Oh, God!; or What Happens in Vegas

Yet another week with not much to recommend. Doing these posts week after week I’ve come to truly realize how little quality product Hollywood puts out. Right, right, that’s like saying the I just realized the pope wears a big white hat, but having to comb through the releases each week brings that truth into stark relief. Also, there is a theme this week, mainly because I’m bored.

The Grand
Ok, Jumper was my top pick of the week until I just saw the trailer for this one. It’s a mockumentary (ugh…I have to find another word to use) about a high stakes poker tournament that stars Woody Harrelson, David Cross, Jason Alexander, and Werner Herzog. Yes, that Werner Herzog, the irascible German director who directed Aguirre, the Wrath of God, Fitzcarraldo, and The Enigma of Kaspar Hauser (and a whole bunch of other films, including the recent Rescue Dawn), three movies that you a) probably haven’t seen, b) should go out and watch immediately, and c) will probably hate with ever fiber of your being. I typically hate fussy auteurs (I’m looking at you, David Lynch), but for some reason I adore all of Herzog’s work. The trailer actually wasn’t that funny, but I will gladly watch it just to see Herzog talk about killing bunnies.

Recommended if you liked Best in Show, Waiting for Guffman, or if you (like me) have an inexplicable Werner Herzog fetish.

Jumper
My (former) top pick for the week, although that isn’t saying much. As many of you may now realize, my guilty pleasure is the FX laden action flick, and I will dip into that pool repeatedly no matter how many turds I come up with. This one probably falls somewhere in the middle. Anakin Skywalker magically flits from New York skyscrapers to the Sphinx to wherever the heck he wants, while the irascible Mace Windu hunts him down with a shiny stick thingy. Mmmmm, sounds like an evening of intelligent highbrow entertainment, no? Director Doug Liman did do the first Bourne flick, so it can’t be all that bad. And if nothing else, watching Sam Jackson yell at stuff is always worth a good two hours.

Recommended if you’ve always felt that Night Crawler got gypped for not getting his own spin-off franchise.

Hit the jump for more stunning DVD masterpieces.
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Hey kids! This week we keep chugging along with those big, dumb summer movies. This week’s aren’t as big as some , but they probably win the prize for the dumbest. Actually, come to think of it, I’m pretty sure that these are both pretty much the same movie…

You Don’t Mess with the Zohan
This one is just like every other Adam Sandler movie you’ve seen, except he plays an Israeli-counter-terrorist-turned-hairdresser, instead of a hockey-player-turned-golf-player, a waterboy-turned-football-player, or a rich-boy-turned-elementary-school-student. Basically, he has to save the world, win the girl, and score middle-aged chicks. I caught an early showing of this one, and while I admit that it doesn’t suck as much as I feared, it still sucks too much for me to actually recommend it. Expect my full review sometime tomorrow.

Recommended if you liked Semi-Pro, Anger Management, or Dodge Ball

Kung Fu Panda
This one is just like every other CG Dreamworks Animation film you’ve seen, except it stars a panda-turned-Kung-Fu-artist instead of an loser-ant-turned-stud, a ugly-ogre-turned-prince, or a bee-turned-activist. Basically, he has to save the world, win the girl, and sell a lot of licensed merchandise. I can’t vouch for the quality of this one, but it stars the voice of Jack Black, so it can’t be all bad. Maybe.

Recommended if you’re still not sick of that “Silence is Golden” promo they’ve been playing at AMC theaters since, like, a year ago

I’m leaving tomorrow for a business trip. In West Palm Beach, Florida. Just thought I’d share. I’ve also decided that I’m going to start ordering the DVD releases according to my interest in them, versus ordering them based on how “big” they are. So Meet the Spartans, which is one of the bigger releases this week, goes at the very bottom for reasons that should be obvious to those of you who use your brains on a regular basis. Yikes, this is a rough week for releases. The only film I’m really keen on is the one at the top of the list.

The Onion Movie
Ah, The Onion. Those purveyors of journalistic hilarity that are oh-so-funny and oh-so-wrong at the same time. Apparently this movie was shot in 2003 and shelved for 5 years due to poor test screenings, but if it is anything like the recent Onion news clips that have popped up on YouTube (such as Congress Debates Merits of New Catchphrase or Diet Book Author Advocates New ‘No Food’ Diet), then those test screening audiences are idiots. This is probably the case, as The Onion has been known to hoodwink the IQ-challenged quite frequently with their tongue-rammed-straight-through-the-cheek articles. Well, you need to pronk this one out, and if you don’t, then you’re a pronking pronk.

Recommended if you think the above video clips I linked to are funny. If you don’t, then I shed hot, salty tears of pity for you.

Flawless
Demi Moore and Michael Caine steal stuff! Is it just me, or is this an exact duplicate of Entrapment, right down to the sex appeal of the female lead and the English/Scottish debonairness of the older male interest? The real question is whether Caine dons a skin tight Lycra leotard to scandalously creep under motion detecting lasers, highlighting his tantalizing English rump….wait, am I getting something mixed up here?

Recommended if you liked Entrapment or The Thomas Crown Affair

Machine Girl
This movie kind of blows my mind, although not necessarily in a good way. Part of the V-Cinema movement in Japan (which is basically the more respected doppleganger of our own direct-to-video industry), it involves a school girl who attaches a gatling gun to her arm (a few of you are already buying the DVD based on that line alone). I have to admit I’m intrigued by the trailer for it although I would never admit that in polite company. Chock full of ridiculous violence and illogical plot points, you have to see it to believe it

Recommended if you don’t run screaming from the room after watching Machine Girl’s trailer

Hit the jump for the rest of this week’s releases.
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And summer continues with a whimper…

Sex and the City
Why should I try to write a summary of this film, when The Simpsons has already done it for me? “It’s about four straight women that act like gay men.” Ah, brevity is the soul of wit.

Recommended if you liked the HBO series. Seriously, somebody must have liked it, right? It got decent ratings, and stuff…

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The Strangers
“INSPIRED BY TRUE EVENTS!!!” Yeah, okay, so is anyone still impressed when studios claim that about movies? I guess they figure, “It worked for The Texas Chainsaw Massacre…twice.” Here are the “true events” this movie is based on, I kid you not (this is straight off the official website): “On the night of February 11, 2005, Kristen McKay and James Hoyt left a friend’s wedding reception and returned to the Hoyt family summer home. The brutal events that took place there have never been revealed.” In case you weren’t paying attention, that means they just made up a bunch of scary crap, and then gratuitously used it to bring back painful memories for this couple’s families. Thanks, Hollywood. You guys rock.

Recommended if you liked The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Saw, or The Hills Have Eyes

So May 27th was yesterday, as in this is a day late, as in I didn’t get up early enough yesterday to write this, as in I have a six-week-old baby who likes to projectile vomit on me at three in the morning. Everyone should have babies - they are the ultimate excuse machines. “Would you like to come to my three-hour monologue I’m performing at the community theater?” “Oh, gosh, would I ever! Its just I have a baby, and he…uh…ate one of his teddy bears and we have to, you know, take care of that.” Works every time.

So this week we have a few movies about war, some subtle and some not so much. I’ll let you figure out which is which.

Rambo -
We’ve been carrying on a surprisingly in-depth conversation on the merits (or lack thereof) of Rambo in the comments section on the review, which will make you smarter if you read it. Promise. As far as a guilty-pleasure action flick goes, this one contains a bit too much ‘guilty’ and not enough ‘pleasure,’ as the violence is extremely brutal and nasty at times. Stallone, however, is not as long in the tooth as you might think a 61 year old would be, and he definitely keeps up with the proceedings. Proceed with caution.

Recommended if you liked…really, do I even need to finish this sentence?

Cassandra’s Dream
Woody Allen attempts to recreate the fleeting success he had with Match Point by essentially copying Sydney Lumet’s Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead. The critics weren’t particularly kind, but then again Allen has been on a bit of a 15-film slump of late (was ’89’s Crimes and Misdemeanors, apart from the fantastic Match Point, really his last well-received film?). Ewan McGregor, Colin Farrell, and Tom Wilkinson star, so if you’ve got the munchies for A-list talent, this might do the trick.

Recommended if you liked Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead or A Simple Plan

Grace is Gone
For your consideration, Iraq War Drama #36. In all fairness, rather than slapping you in the face with some preachy anti-war rhetoric, this one focuses on the drama of a man (John Cusack) and his two daughters who have to cope with the death of their wife and mother (who died in Iraq). If you’re aching for a war drama but desire a bit more subtlety than Mr. Rambo can deliver, this one might be for you.

Fun Fact: Clint Eastwood composed the score for this one.

Recommended if you liked My Girl, Bambi, or Fanny & Alexander. Also, gold star to whoever figures out why I selected those films as recommendations.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Okay kids, here’s your reading comprehension exam: Name two things weird about my post’s title this week. Give up? Okay, here we go: First off, like last week, “release” is singular. And second? The date is the 22nd instead of the 23rd - i.e., Thursday instead of Friday. Following the lead of other recent blockbusters like The Lord of the Rings, Spielberg, Lucas, and Ford are releasing their magnum opus a day early. Why? To give the fanboys plenty of time to see it - as many times as they can - opening weekend. This is genius, really: with Memorial Day, this is a three-day weekend already; adding Friday and Thursday showings makes it a five-day weekend for Indy; and with the inevitable midnight showings on Wednesday night, you may as well call it a six-day weekend (by the way, this is why this post is so early this week, in case you were wondering). With this kind of timing, you’re pretty much guaranteed to get everyone and their grandmother in and out of the theater before anyone has had a chance to warn anyone else that the movie sucks. Which brings me to the inevitable question: Does it suck? Well, it’s got two big strikes against it: First, it’s been getting primarily bad reviews in advance screenings; and second, George Lucas was involved. But hope springs eternal with me - I’m going, and it’s gonna be good, dadgummit! If any movie was ever critic-proof, this one is probably it. Well, this one and those awful Star Wars prequels. In any case, now there are four great choices in theaters - this one, Iron Man, Speed Racer, and The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian - so you really have no excuse not to get out and go see a movie. Get to it. There will be a test.

Recommended if you can still imagine Harrison Ford without a bingo card, a shuffleboard cue, or an early bird special coupon in his hand…

National Treasure: Book of Secrets -
An attempt at an Indiana Jones update, the National Treasure movies are brisk, unassuming fluff. Of course it’s possible to steal the Declaration of Independence, of course there are secret passages in Mt. Rushmore, of course we don’t know what a history book is. But with the right mindset, this is relaxed (albeit forgettable) entertainment, and let’s face it, sometimes popping The Hours into your DVD player sounds as tempting as eating fish hooks.

Recommended if you liked the first National Treasure, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, or Romancing the Stone

Diary of the Dead -
I thought this movie was aggressively stupid and that Romero had come full circle, entering self-parody mode with a vengeance. Luke felt differently and lavished quite a bit of praise on it. I will say I enjoyed reading his review much more that I enjoyed the movie, although I’m not sure what that says. Using shaky-cam footage, a group of young nubile college students flee the shuffling dead. Brains will be eaten and YouTube will be condemned, although not necessarily in that order. Be sure to read Luke’s thoughts on it.

Recommended if you’d like to see a mix between Night of the Living Dead and Cloverfield…seriously, that is a perfect description of this film

Strange Wilderness
I know nothing about this film. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Steve Zahn (Matthew McConaughey’s sidekick in Sahara), Jonah Hill (from Superbad), and Justin Long (ala ‘Mac’ from the iconic Mac and PC ads) all star, and apparently (I’m just guessing here) they are in the wilderness…doing things…perhaps even strange things. Ok, looking it up at Rotten Tomatoes…oh, wow. It has an honest-to-goodness 0% at RT, as in there are no positive reviews. Then again, the critics also hated Saving Silverman, another Steve Zahn picture that I happen to love (I’m like that little girl in Poltergeist…every time Silverman comes on cable I go into a kind of trance and must watch the entire thing). So maybe it’s worth a shot. I use the word ‘maybe’ loosely there.

Recommended if you’re into the cinematic equivalent of Russian Roulette.

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
Yes, you read the title of this post correctly. That’s “release,” as in, singular. Evidently, no one wanted to go head-to-head against the triple-threat of Disney, high fantasy, and evangelical Christianity. If the trailer is any indication, I don’t really blame them - this one looks flat-out fantastic. It appears to retain everything that was awesome about Walden Media’s first Narnia film (sharp writing and a strong sense of childlike wonder) and fix what was wrong with it (cheesy special effects and a lack of emotional depth). The only downside? It’ll probably be the final nail in the coffin of the Wachowski brothers’ excellent Speed Racer. Go see that one if you’re not into fantasy; but either way, you really can’t lose this weekend if you’re in the market for a family film (and how often can you honestly say that?).

Recommended if you liked The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe; Harry Potter and the Socerer’s Stone; The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers; or anything else in our culture’s current glut of fantasy epics

I am always amazed at the vibrant diversity on display every week with the DVD selection. Some of these aren’t winners by any stretch of the imagination, but movies about competitive debate, internet predators, female heisters, lightning struck age-regressors, and an autistic musical? It’s a veritable melting pot of tastes and genres. Food for thought: what would a movie be like that combined all 5 of those things? I’m telling ‘ya, there is money to be made.

The Great Debaters
Denzel Washington stars in and directs his second feature film, an inspiring true story that takes place in the heart-stoppingly thrilling world of, um, debate. It’s a classic underdog sports story, except in place of bone-crunching tackles or at-the-buzzer 360 slam dunks, you get people yelling at each other. Politely. Ok, I kid, I kid. This one got great reviews, and if you’re in the mood for an inspiring true story where the underdogs challenge the uppity-ups, this one should deliver in spades.

Recommended if you liked Antwone Fisher, Finding Forrester, Remember the Titans, or Glory Road

Untraceable
This one had a sociological important premise that could have made it a benchmark film for our times: a killer harnesses the anonymity of the internet to perpetuate his/her crimes, and the more you visit a certain website, the faster the victim dies. Knowing the bloodthirsty sheeple that crowd the intertubes, it isn’t long before people are dying left and right. Sadly, this descends into a by-the-numbers thriller where scathing commentary is replaced by generic Hollywood tropes. Diane Lane and Colin Hanks (i.e., Tom Hanks’ son) star.

Recommended if you always dreamed of a Silence of the Lambs meetsThe Net hybrid film. And really, if you combine Jodie Foster and Sandra Bullock you obviously get Diane Lane. I know I’m not the only one who thinks about these things.

Mad Money
Who doesn’t want to see the film that combined crackerjack trio Diane Keaton, Queen Latifah, and Katie Holmes together for the first time in a madcap…wait, Katie Holmes? I thought she was missing or something. Didn’t I see her picture on a milk carton somewhere? Or was it on Nancy Grace? Or the wall at the post office? Someone should call the FBI. Oh, in the movie they steal money or jewels or estrogen injections or something…wow, Katie Holmes. Whodathunk?

Recommended if you liked…ohhowcoolisthis, Katie Holme’s character has her own MySpace page! Oh my gosh! She likes Bye Bye Birdie, So You Think You Can Dance?, and reading Stephen King! Oh, this is too funny, she met her, oh, I am so LOLing right now, she met her boyfriend when they had a fender bender! Hahahahahaha! Sigh, good times, good times….what was I saying again?

Youth Without Youth
Poor poor Francis Ford Coppola. The guy decides to get a bit risky with his storytelling with his first film in a decade, finances the production with his own money (he has a lucrative wine business), and gets raked over the coals by the critics for it. Where is Apocalypse Now Part Deux, where is The Godfather Part 4? they all seem to be saying (ok, maybe not the Godfather bit). A love story wrapped inside an enigma, set in pre-WWII Europe, where a man (Tim Roth) is struck by lightning and begins to get younger as a result. Sounds trippy and intriguing, and what do critics know, anyhow?

Recommended if you liked Inland Empire or The Fountain

Autism: The Musical
This weeks dark horse, my curiosity was severely piqued when I saw this title sitting on the release page at Amazon. A documentary that follows the lives of 5 autistic children as they prepare for a musical production, the film focuses on their struggles and triumphs over the course of 6 months. Equal parts call-to-action and inspirational heartwarmer, this one looks like a sweetly charming winner.

Recommended if you liked Spellbound or Mad Hot Ballroom