Okay, so I missed the DVD releases post. Ran out of time. Sorry. I guarantee you, though, that there was nothing you care about. On the theatrical front, however, you have some very good choices this week. Intrigued? Me too. You’ll find them below, as always, ranked by how much I care…

Ponyo
This is the latest one from noted anime auteur Hayao Miyazaki, the man behind Princess Mononoke, Castle in the Sky, and the totally-Oscar-winning Spirted Away. This one’s about a fish that wants to be a human, and…um…yeah. Okay, don’t look at me that way. His movies are always a little (or a lot) “out there,” but they’re also always incredible. You want original, imaginative movies? Here you go. Everyone else can go see G.I. Joe, I guess.

See it if you liked Pinnochio, Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind, or The Little Mermaid

The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard
A madcap comedy about an overzealous used car salesman. What else can I say about this movie? Well…t’s from those guys who brought you those Will Ferrell movies that are exactly like all those other Will Ferrell movies. Also, it doesn’t have Will Ferrell in it. Also, it doesn’t have anyone particularly famous in it. Also, the trailer makes it look way funnier than it deserves to be. Also, I’ll probably go. Also, I’ll probably hate myself for going. The end.

See it if you like Will Ferrell movies but think they just have too much Will Ferrell in them.

District 9
Director Neil Blomkamp (3,000 Miles to Graceland) and producer Peter Jackson (a little trilogy called The Lord of the Rings) bring you a different kind of alien movie. This time, the aliens aren’t invaders; they’re refugees. I saw an advance screening of this one, and I loved it, but it’s definitely not for everyone. It’s brutal, depressing, and deadly serious. It’s also probably one of the most important films to come out this year. See it if you want to think a little bit…but don’t expect the usual popcorn fun.

See it if you think Will Smith is a jerk for punching that alien in the face in Independence Day.

Bandslam
Okay, now we’re getting into the stuff that’s more likely to be crap. This one combines a couple of guilty pleasures of mine: the production company Walden Media (City of Ember FTW!) and one of the stars from High School Musical (Vanessa Hudgens, for anyone who actually cares), but the idea of a rock-band-themed tweenybopper movie still kind of makes my skin crawl. And I know that if my skin is crawling, most of you are probably running screaming from the room.

See it if you liked Josie and the Pussycats or Camp Rock

The Time Traveler’s Wife
Okay, I have no idea about this one. It could be a great film, for all I know (it’s not). But, really? A guy who’s doomed forever to spontaneously travel through time finds love anyway? Didn’t that already happen when the guy from Quantum Leap accidentally got zapped into the Lifetime Network, or something? Also, look at that poster. Is the guy who designed it colorblind?

…Sorry, it’s Friday afternoon and I’m cranky. I’m sure this is a very lovely film. You go, Eric Bana!

See it if you liked Amy Tan’s novel The Kitchen God’s Wife, but thought, “Gee, this needs less Julia Child and more H.G. Wells.”

Well kids, G.I. Joe this week. It’s directed by Stephen Sommers (y’know, the auteur behind Van Helsing), and Paramount has decided not to screen it in advance for critics (pretty much a tacit admission that it sucks), but it’ll still make millions and millions of dollars. Still, I have to recommend either of the other two films on this list. As always, though, the choice is yours…

Julie & Julia
Allegedly the first movie ever based on a blog, this one follows the adventures of blogger Julie Powell as she attempts to cook all 524 recipes from Julia Child’s book Mastering the Art of French Cooking in a year. Reasons I care: (1) It’s written and directed by Nora Ephron, creator of You’ve Got Mail, Sleepless in Seattle and When Harry Met Sally. (2) Julia Child pretty much taught me how to cook. Well, her books did. That woman is amazing.

See it if you liked No Reservations or Ratatouille

A Perfect Getaway
Hmmm…bunch of young, attractive people get lost in the wilderness and are stalked by something that wants them dead. Clever premise…I wish I’d thought of it.

See it if you liked The Ruins or Pitch Black

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Fun fact: prior to the extensive deregulation of television under the Reagan administration, children’s shows with toy tie-ins were banned. Why? Because kids are unable to understand things like the nature of money and the persuasive intention of commercials. In other words, creating a cartoon just to convince them to buy a toy is basically a poor man’s form of mind control. Anyway, Gen-X (and early Gen-Y)  grew up with the first round of toy-selling cartoons — and now look at them. Not only did they buy all kinds of plastic crap they didn’t need in the 1980’s; they’re still spending money to see embarrassing garbage like this and Michael Bay’s Transformers series, just because they’re tied into cartoons they used to like! Congratulations, evil corporations, you win!

See it if your favorite genre of movies is OMG GUYS SHOOTING EACH OTHER AND BLOWING STUFF UP11111

It’s President Obama’s brithday (seriously), and the DVD-publishing community has decided to celebrate with these fine offerings…*

*Offerings may or may not be fine. Details subject to change.

August
Well, I hope it’s better than August Rush.  Other than that, I really know nothing about it except that it’s about a couple of dot-com entrepreneurs struggling to survive directly after the September 11th attacks. The reviews weren’t great, but the subject matter is intriguing to me, and it’s certainly relevant (and is arguably getting more relevant every day).

See it if you’re into things that may or may not be relevant.

Mutant Chronicles
Hmmm…a movie based on a fantasy role-playing game? How could I refuse, after Dungeons and Dragons?! Okay, let me be honest: there’s nothing remotely interesting to me coming out this week, but a godawful adventure through an alien-infested steampunk world sounds more tolerable than most of this other stuff.

See it if you spend all your time polishing your +3 two-handed broadsword.

Labor Pains
Wow, Ms. Lohan, how you have fallen. I don’t think anyone dug Mean Girls more than I did, and you were probably one of the better things about it. If you had kept hanging around Tina Fey, you could have been relevant — but you had to go and get your degree from the Paris Hilton School of How to Be a Celebrity (And Do Other Stuff Idiotically Too). Now look at you. Made-for-ABC-Family-Channel movies about lying to your boss about being pregnant? Lindsey, even you could do better than this.

See it if you liked Baby Mama or Miss Conception
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How’s everybody’s summer going? Mine is flying by…seems like just yesterday, I was lining up for Star Trek (which, so far, has been pretty much the only blockbuster worth getting at all excited about, am I right?). Anyway, this week you have a couple of bad choices and one pretty good one. Choose wisely, grasshopper.

Funny People
Director/Producer Who Makes the Same Movie Over and Over Again, meet Actor/Producer Who Makes the Same Movie Over and Over Again. Okay, no one has a bigger love/hate relationship with Judd Apatow and Adam Sandler than myself. Most of the time they annoy me, but occasionally they make something incredible (Freaks and Geeks and Punch Drunk Love being good examples). Anyway, the trailers for this look pretty funny, and it’s just possible that working together may be the change-up they each need to make something new and awesome. Besides, who doesn’t want to see Adam Sandler on screen with Seth Rogen? Wow, a lot of hands went up. Um…my mistake.

See it if you don’t have time to watch both Funny Girl and Ordinary People

Aliens in the Attic
Of course, this one is the sort of “family” film that makes most people’s skin crawl: B-list cast + hackneyed premise that’s completely explained in the title (see also: Hotel for Dogs, The Indian in the Cupboard). I had more-or-less no desire to see it, but then I noticed it has Ashley Tisdale in it. Say what you will, but she was always one of the best things about the High School Musical franchise. So, if nothing else, there’s that.

See it if you just can’t wait for Spielberg to reboot the  E.T. and Gremlins franchises

The Collector
I assume The Collector is like The Bone Collector, except a little less picky about what he collects? Okay, I know nothing about this movie…let me look it up on ye olde Wikipedia…wait, what? Seriously, this is straight from the article: “the script was originally intended to be a Saw prequel, but the producers did not want to do a prequel.” Okay, now I’m really confused — someone didn’t want to make another Saw movie? Sorry, you lost me. I just…um…I have no idea what to think about that. I’m done.

See it if you just can’t get enough Saw movies that aren’t actually Saw movies (see also: Hostel)

Well guys, another week, another crop of DVDs. As always, the ones I’m most interested in are on top…

The Union: The Business Behind Getting High
From what I hear, this Canadian doc takes a long, hard look at the entire industry set up around the illegal sale of marijuana, and then discusses the overall effects of its prohibition. Its only theatrical release was at film festivals, but it won the usual awards, and I’m definitely intrigued to learn more about the much-maligned cannabis plant. The recent spate of mafia wars in Mexico should have (I hope) reminded us that the criminalization of the drug affects us all — not just the potheads out there.

See it if you liked The Corporation, Super High Me or probably any Cheech and Chong movie

An American Affair
Okay, this one got terrible reviews, but I’m still intrigued. Apparently, it’s a drama about JFK and his various — *ahem* — exploits. Gretchen Mol is rumored to give a pretty good performance in this one, and there’s intrigue, sex and mystery, and — what can I say? — it’s set in the 60’s, and I’m a sucker for that era. Sign me up.

See it if you liked The American President or JFK

Acolytes
I hadn’t heard of this one at all before researching this post, and the title is so generic that I’m not even sure if I have the right poster to the left there. Whatever. It’s an Australian horror flick about some kids who run afoul of a serial killer. I know, original, right? But it’s sitting at an 83% at Rotten Tomatoes…which is nothing to sneeze at, for a horror film.

See it if you like either (1) Australians or (2) serial killers
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It’s testament to the power of a film when the week it comes out, nothing else does — and then, the following week, nothing worth seeing does. Harry Potter #6 clearly is a powerful film. Can anyone think of another franchise that lasted for six films and could still bring in blockbuster-sized crowds? (Hint: not Police Academy.) Anyway, this week, the studios are obviously schluffing off the movies that no one wants to see, in hopes that either (a) no one will notice, or (b) people will come to the theater to see Harry Potter, see that it’s sold out, and settle for one of these.

But if you’re determined to take in a new film this week, here are your choices…

The Ugly Truth
Yet another generic romantic comedy about a career-obsessed woman who needs a man? Ugh, how little enthusiasm can I come up with for this one? The fact that it makes my top spot tells you something about your other choices, I guess. Whatever.

See it if you liked How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days or What Happens in Vegas

Orphan
Yet another generic horror flick about a creepy kid that’s deeply offensive to the people trying to make the world a better place by promoting adoption? Once again, ugh. At least the poster’s kind of creepy without seeming overly cliche. Then again, if they’re consciously trying to ride the coattails of Guillermo del Toro’s The Orphanage with that title…bleh.

See it if you can’t wait for the next remake of The Omen

G-force
Yet another family comedy with talking CGI animals and would-have-been-hip-six-months-ago dialogue? Say it with me now: Ugh. At least Jerry Bruckheimer and Disney are still getting along…mainly for the same reason that Bill Gates and Warren Buffett get along, if you follow me. You all know I’m not a Harry Potter fan, so listen carefully: If your kids beg to go to a movie this weekend, take them to Potter. Please.

See it if you liked Cats and Dogs or Spy Kids

Gotta tell you guys…I’m probably not the sort who should be editing a movie blog. If I can’t rant about what I think of a movie on the Internet, I kind of stop caring about it. And since most of these movies came out while MZ was dormant, I really didn’t bother reading up on them, or even seeing them. In other words, I know nothing about most of these, and I’m not about to lift a finger to learn about them, since I can’t imagine Adventureland is worth thorough research. But I’ve decided to make proverbial lemonade: It’s MAD LIB WEEK here at MovieZeal!

Remember Mad Libs? The best fill-in-the-blank word game ever!? Well, I combed the Internet and found a suitable one. I’ll be changing it ever-so-slightly to make it fit all of the following new releases:

The [ADJECTIVE] [NAME] and the always [ADJ.] [NAME] reunite after [NUMBER] years. This time, the [ADJ.]  [PLURAL NOUN] are [GERUND] the [PLURAL NOUN], a [NOUN] that leads them on a [ADJ.] chase from [PLACE] to [PLACE]. A [NOUN] for the whole [NOUN]!

Ready? Go!

Coraline –
The UBIQUITOUS DAKOTA FANNING and the always OMG SO GOTHZ HENRY SELICK reunite after INFINITY? years. This time, the CREEPY CLAY MODELS are ROCKING the 3-D, a TREND that leads them on a KID-FRIENDLY chase from REALITY to THE NIGHTMARE REALM. A FRIGHTFEST for the whole FAMILY!

See it if you’re at all interested in animation, children’s literature, or kiddie horror

The Soloist –
The NO-LONGER DRUG-ADDLED ROBERT DOWNEY, JR. and the always VERSATILE, IN A GOOD WAY JAMIE FOXX reunite after A MILLION? years. This time the DUO are PLAYING the BEETHOVEN, an ARTISTIC ENDEAVOR that leads them on an OH-SO-DRAMATIC chase from THE STREETS OF NYC to CARNEGIE. A DRAMA for the whole DOWNEY-LOVING CROWD!

See it if you’re not sick of seeing Jamie Foxx play music or Robert Downey, Jr. be awesome

The Class -
The FRENCH LAURENT CANTET and the always FRENCH FRANCOIS BEGAUDEAU reunite after GOD ONLY KNOWS years. This time the FRENCH DUDES are ADAPTING the NOVEL, a TRIED-AND-TRUE FORMULA that leads them on an ARTHOUSE-Y chase from SOME CLASSROOM to THEIR INNER PSYCHES. A PIECE OF CINEMA VERITE for the whole TURTLENECK-WEARING SET!

See it if your tastes tend to align with those of the critical establishment.
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Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Try as I might, I just can’t understand the big deal about the Harry Potter franchise. I know I’m in the minority, but to me it was always just an uncomfortable amalgam of “epic” and “cutesy” that never really clicked — basically The Flintstones with wizards instead of cavemen. But I also know that I’m totally wrong on this, and that you’ll go see this one anyway, so godspeed you, Muggle. Also note that the release date is Wednesday, not Friday — so put on that ridiculous robe and line up for the midnight showing tonight, lest you end up looking foolish.

See it if you think J.K. Rowling deserves another hundred million. (I mean, really. Her children need caviar, after all.)

It’s a good week to be a horror fan. There are really only two major releases, and both of them are horror. So…there you have it.

[REC]
The original Spanish version of that horror movie called Quarantine. I didn’t see Quarantine, but I did see [REC], and while I wasn’t blown away, it was a very well-made horror film that managed to maintain its tension despite a complete lack of new ideas. This one falls into the “found footage” category, like The Blair Witch Project, Diary of the Dead, Cloverfield, etc., etc., and it tells the story of a virus that turns people into bloodthirsty zombies. See what I mean? No new ideas. But if you’re looking for a good horror film, this is it — and these days, that’s saying something.

See it if you liked any of the movies I mention above.

Welcome to Macintosh
Your non-horror choice for the week, this documentary tells the story of the rise of Apple Computer. It’s a story that’s been told to death (Pirates of Silicon Valley is still worth seeing, by the way, even if it’s a bit cheesy and dated), but who knows? This picture could still have something interesting to say — even if the filmmakers did fail to interview either founding Steve (Jobs or Wozniak). I can’t find a review anywhere, but it could be worth a look. Possibly.

See it if you’re one of those obnoxious people who are always whipping their iPhones out in order to reinforce their hipster cred

The Haunting in Connecticut
Um…wow. Where do I start with this one? Which well-deserved witty barb should I fling at it first? Here, take your pick: (1) You know it’s a horror film because it has “The Haunting” in the title!!! (2) It’s a shame that non-horror films haven’t yet discovered the joy of pairing gerunds with definite articles. (3) If Jesus had known that the image of a crucifixion would be exploited out the wazoo in order to sell tickets to terrible horror movies, would he have gone through with it? (4) What’s great about that title is the ebb and flow of tension: it’s not just a haunting…it’s IN CONNECTICUT!!! (That’s right, the Nutmeg State!!! You’re terrified now, aren’t you?) (5) The only way to improve that title? Make it The Haunting…in Connecticut…BY GHOSTS!!! …Um, there. I think those about cover it, right? Feel free to add your own in the comments section below.

See it if you honestly don’t consider your time valuable. At all.

Well, I know which movie most of you will be seeing this week. You have a couple other interesting choices, though.

The Hurt Locker
Opening in limited release is this drama about the war(s) in the Middle East, starring Jeremy Renner, Ralph Fiennes, and Evangeline Lily. It premiered at the Venice Film Festival and won all sorts of awards that no one’s ever heard of. Roger Ebert gave it four stars, so it must be pretty good. Definitely worth a look.

See it if you liked Stop-Loss, Three Kings, or Blackhawk Down

I Love You, Beth Cooper
I seriously doubt this one will show up second on anyone else’s list, but I just can’t bring myself to recommend Bruno, no matter how many millions it will make off of the world’s drunken fratboys. This one doesn’t look like a classic, but it does look like a serviceable romantic comedy. Written by Larry Doyle (The Simpsons) and directed by Chris Columbus (Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets), it depicts the night together between the valedictorian and most popular girl in school following graduation. It probably won’t get any five-star reviews, but it could turn out to be Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist for those of us who aren’t pretentiously indie.

See it if you have a date. (A shallow one.)

Bruno
I imagine that everyone who’s going to see this one already knows about it. Something of a sequel to Borat, this one features another one of Sacha Baron Cohen’s characters from his comedy series Da Ali G Show (this one a gay fashion designer), traveling across the country and making people look stupid. I personally can’t get behind his schtick (”I out racists and homophobes by being racist and homophobic!”), but I do have to admit that his comedy has its occasional funny moments. See it if you want, but don’t make me listen to you list off every part that makes you laugh. Thanks.

See it if you’re convinced there’s still gold to be mined from the “guerilla comedy” genre

It’s summer, which means that absolutely nothing worth seeing comes out on DVD. Sometimes I think Hollywood does this on purpose, so that you’ll be forced to pay fifteen bucks to see a movie in theaters (y’know, kind of like they make broadcast TV suck on purpose so that you have to pay for cable). Of course, your other option would be to rent something more than a few months old…but we both know you won’t be doing that.

Anyway, this week you get everything below, plus a half dozen horror remakes and an Iron Maiden rockumentary that I won’t waste space on.

Five Fingers
There’s absolutely nothing in the way of information on this one out there…apparently, it’s a film about a jazz pianist who gets kidnapped by Moroccan terrorists and features Laurence Fishburne. It only received a very limited release in theaters, and was virtually ignored by the press. Could be the overlooked classic of the century, could be just a lousy film with lousy publicity. You see it and then let me know.

See it if you just can’t get enough of Hollywood’s take on the War on Terror.
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A screenshot from Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li. No, honest! I found it on the internets!

And what a thrilling day for movies it is. You guys are just going to salivate over this week’s new offerings. And I mean wide-eyed-erratic-heartbeat-tongue-lolling salivating.

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li
Now I’m happy to admit that I’m a video game nut. Even put in my fair amount of time on Street Fighter 2 Turbo back in the day. But this appeals to me about as much as dropping a rabid hedgehog down my pants does. Do the studios think gamers are so lobotomized that they would eat up something like this based on sheer name recognition alone? And perhaps the more important question: would gamers actually fall for it? Then again, the moviegoing populace on a whole happily forks over their hard earned greenbacks for films like Beverly Hills Chihuahua, so perhaps everyone is stupid and at the mercy of what Hollywood tells them to see.

Recommended if you’re an enormous Smallville fan and have been salivating (there’s that word again) for Lana Lang’s big screen debut.

Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience
I’d like to take a little time to focus on the word ‘the’ as included in the title of this film. It indicates a certain amount of finality; as if to say, “This is the definitive 3D concert experience, the only one that will ever matter.” It’s not THE Jonas Brothers 3D Concert Experience, which completely changes the emphasis. No, it’s THE 3D Concert Experience, with “Jonas Brothers” simply being a descriptor. I don’t know what all of this means, but I’m going to go cry in the corner now.

Recommended if you missed U2 3D in theaters, which was by no means superior in every respect to this film.

So pick your mouths off the floor and go see one of these films now!

Every week, new movies come out on DVD. And every week, most of them suck. And every week, it falls upon us here at MovieZeal to make fun of them. Oh, but that one up there? That one doesn’t suck. It’s also your best bet. Keep reading to find out what your worst bet is…

Dear Zachary: A Letter to a Son about His Father –
I have to admit that this one didn’t hit me quite as hard, on a gut level, as I expected it to — probably because everyone had told me, repeatedly, that it would hit me really, really hard. Still, this one is easily the most affecting documentary of the year, a shocking and enraging story of a selfish woman who murders her lover and then uses his child to manipulate the legal system and everyone close to her. It’s a painful viewing experience (and production values are — appropriately — almost nonexistent), but it’s also arguably the most important documentary of 2008: an enraged cry for legal reform, and — more to the point — an unblinking look at the evil that exists in the heart of mankind. Not “fun” by any means, but you owe it to yourself to sit through this one.

Recommended if you want to see something that actually is as important as all those Oscar-bait movies pretend to be

On the Other Hand, Death: A Donald Strachey Mystery
You can’t see it in that little thumbnail to the left, but the tagline for this one is “America’s Favorite Gay Private Eye is Back!” — which is, as you know, a good thing. I can only speak for myself, of course, but I was getting awfully sick of America’s second-favorite gay private eye hanging around all the time (seriously — doesn’t he have a job, or something?). Frankly, I’m not sure why we needed to have a favorite gay private eye in the first place — when I need to find a Maltese falcon, I don’t much care if my hire is into dudes or not, so long as he does his job. But anyway, I see that this one is based on a book by popular GLBT author Richard Stevenson, and it features a great performance from Margot Kidder, and it gives me an excuse to use the double entendre “gay private dick” — when, praytell, will I get another chance to do that? Oh, and that title? Just fabulous.

Recommended if…yeah, I should probably stop there.

What Just Happened
Presenting…your annual dose of Hollywood navel-gazing! I saw this one, and I’m still not really sure what it was about, but it seemed like it was a pretty good movie. Probably. Robert De Niro is a Hollywood producer attempting to get everyone to compromise their artistic vision, and Bruce Willis is a painfully hilarious caricature of himself. Oh, and also a dog gets shot repeatedly. It didn’t really have a plot, and I didn’t care about any of the characters…but hey, the DVD I watched was marked with the words “For Your Consideration,” so I think that means it was good. I dunno. If Hollywood says it’s good, it must be.

Recommended if you live in L.A. and can therefore tell what the heck this movie is actually about

Sex Drive
I really wanted to do this one for the ol’ podcast…seriously, I put in my vote and everything. (We do vote, right guys? Or maybe I’m thinking of my fantasy lacrosse league. Whatever.) We ended up not doing it, so I never got around to seeing it, but I’ll stand by what I said back then: the trailer makes it look darned funny. And yes, I’m speaking as someone who, in general, believes that teen sex comedies (The Reader, et. al.) are a blight on the planet. Any genre has potential if you do it right, though (see: Heaven’s Gate), and this one just might be the long-foretold savior of American Pie and its ilk. And speaking as someone who’s never seen this movie or even read any reviews, I’m pretty much an expert.

Recommended if you like teen sex comedies, or if you don’t and think I’m right about this one.

The Haunting of Molly Hartley –
It’s getting hard to dislike a horror movie just because it sucks. I mean, heck, it’s been so long since a good one was made that I’m starting to think that maybe “sucking” is a convention of the genre. Y’know, just like “stupid teens”, “creepy pre-teens”, “tacky jump scares preceded by long violin screeches”, “gratuitously slandering the good name of Satan”, and “giving away all the best parts in the trailer” are. Not coincidentally, this movie manages to touch on most or all of these conventions (yes, including the sucking part).

Recommended if you were surprised to learn just now that there are, in fact, horror movies that don’t suck.

I’ll give it to you straight…there’s really nothing even remotely good coming out this week. But here’s your consolation prize if you live near a theater in the AMC chain (and pretty much everyone and their dog does, right?): This Saturday, they’ll be showing a marathon of all five films nominated for the Best Picture Oscar, and tickets are only $30 each ($25 if you’re a member of their Movie Watcher club), and that includes a bottomless popcorn. That really isn’t too bad of a deal, if you don’t have any Saturday plans. Having seen all five nominated films, I can honestly say that at least two of them are arguably worth paying money to see, and — well — I’ll say it again: BOTTOMLESS. POPCORN. Seriously. Here’s the link to the info site. Check it out.

Anyway, new releases. And such.

Tyler Perry’s Madea Goes to Jail
You’re not going to find a title much more obvious than that. Seriously, is there anything I could tell you about this movie that’s not already in the title? Maybe if they had called it Tyler Perry Writes, Directs and Stars in a Movie in Which His Popular Recurring Character Medea Goes to Jail, Causes Funny Things to Occur, and Learns Valuable Life Lessons in the Process? Yeah, that’s pretty good. I should get Tyler on the phone and see if he’ll buy that title from me.

Recommended if the whole “man in drag” thing is still clever and witty to you.

Fired Up
Hey, and speaking of comedic premises that have been done to death and I hope I never see again…two football players quit the team and go out for the cheerleading squad in hopes of scoring some poontang. Sounds subtle, sophisticated, and charming all around. Actually, I do have to tip my hat to this one a little bit. After all, it’s a sex comedy where the football players are the heroes, not the villains. This really is a big step forward for members of the campus jockocracy everywhere. Now all we need is a slasher film where the killer goes after the virgins.

Recommended if you liked Porky’s, American Pie, Superbad, etc….and you still think watching guys try to get laid is absolutely hilarious.

The cast of High-School-frickin'-Musical-3. Haters can take a trip. :)

Well kids, my favorite guilty pleasure of the year is now out on DVD. Talk to me in month, when I’m done watching it over and over. (Well, I’ll take a short break, at least.)

High School Musical 3: Senior Year –
The High School Musical franchise isn’t for everyone, of course. I know our fearless leader Evan would rather get the ol’ icepicks under the fingernails treatment than sit through this one, but for my part, I loved it. I loved it so much that I made my wife (who hates the franchise more than Evan) take me to it a second time. And now that it’s on DVD, I’ll make her sit through it again and again. Isn’t marriage great? Anyhoo, this one’s pretty much more of the same, but on a bigger and better scale. Ideally, you should have seen it in theaters, but if you pick up a Blu-ray and watch it on a big ol’ hi-def screen, it should be almost as good.

Recommended if you don’t take your musicals too seriously (those who think Andrew Lloyd Weber is a genius need not apply)

The Midnight Meat Train
You’re the owner of a successful independent movie studio with a pretty good horror movie ready to be released. Do you: (a) pre-screen it for critics, to make sure people know it’s worth the eight bucks, (b) release it into as many theaters as possible along with a marketing barrage to ensure a big opening weekend, or (c) dump it into a handful of second-run theaters and then release it on DVD a few months later? Guess which one Lionsgate decided to go with. Seriously, I don’t know if this one is any good, but it can’t be too much worse than The Eye, which Lionsgate pushed harder than Sisyphus on his first day in Hades.

Recommended if you liked The Silence of the Lambs or Seven

Changeling –
Clint Eastwood just isn’t having the Oscar-filled year he apparently wanted. Changeling turned out to be too stodgy (and not Holocaust-related enough) for the Academy, and the Gran Torino was just…too weird. This one’s a pretty unassuming thriller about a mother who loses her son, only to have him replaced with a different one and see the case swept under the rug. I enjoyed it despite its shortcomings, but most people I know who saw it were bored out of their minds. Angelina Jolie’s up for Best Actress for her performance…take that for what it’s worth. (And for even more Changeling fun, check out episode nine of our podcast!)

Recommended if you’re experiencing some serious 1920’s nostalgia (I know I am)
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Clive Owens and Naomi Watts in 'The International'

Apparently, Friday the Thirteenth is bad luck. Not only is it bringing us a needless reboot of its eponymous franchise, it’s also giving us a movie with both “confessions” and “shopaholic” in its title. That can’t possibly be a good sign.

The International
What if the world’s largest corporation was lawless, abusive, and downright evil?!! It would be, um, just like real life. (If that doesn’t get me a contract with Air America, I don’t know what will.) This one is from German director Tom Tykwer (of Run Lola Run fame), and stars Clive Owens and Naomi Watts. It also looks like a taut little thriller (I’ve seen the trailer, so I’m pretty much an expert), which makes it my top pick for the week. Actually, it’s my top pick for the week because your other two choices are…well, see for yourself…

Recommended if you wished The Corporation had had, y’know, a plot

Confessions of a Shopaholic
I was wracking my brain for something to say about this one…suffice it to say that it’s just not targeted toward my demographic. At all. If those two capitalized words get your blood going (fans of St. Augustine’s Confessions need not apply), you know who you are. This one’s pretty much got “girls’ night out” written all over it: shopaholic, who writes for fashion magazines, in Manhattan, falls in love with a millionaire. Um…wow. I’ll just stop there.

Recommended if you liked Bridget Jones’s Diary or How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

Friday the 13th
Ah, the 2000’s. The decade that will be forever remembered as the one when Hollywood ran out of ideas and resorted to repeatedly ripping off the 80’s. Here’s a question for discussion: Which is worse: the innumerable horror remakes, which are honest about what they are (Halloween = Halloween, Friday the 13th = Friday the 13th, etc.), or the innumerable sex comedy rip-offs, which pretend to be new movies (Porky’s = American Pie, Risky Business = The Girl Next Door, etc., etc.)? Anyway…um, yeah. This one’s not worth any more words. I’m done here.

Recommended if you forgot how to rent DVDs

'Frozen River'

So, after a couple weeks of doing this, I’m starting to realize they’re, like, twice as much work as the “Theater Releases” posts. Let’s all have a round of applause for Evan Derrick. (I’m waiting for my big bonus check, Evan.)

Frozen River
I missed this one when it was in theaters — being that I live in that cultural hotspot known as Tulsa, Oklahoma — but I hear that it’s quite a devastating little indie drama. It’s the sad tale of a starving woman who has to resort to working in the human trafficking industry — smuggling in illegals from Canada — in order to feed her kids. Not for anyone looking to have a great time, but certainly for those who want to ponder the dilemmas of humanity, be moved to create change, or just impress their self-consciously indie friends with some lo-fi goodness. Daniel Getahun gave it a B+.

Recommended if you liked Chop Shop or 4 Months, 3 Weeks, and 2 Days

Miracle at St. Anna
One of approximately a billion World War II movies to come out at the end of last year, this one bears the distinction of being one of the few that didn’t win much critical acclaim (let alone Oscar buzz). There are several reasons for that: (1) it came out too early in the year, (2) it was directed by Spike Lee (a bit too controversial for the Oscar voter crowd), and (3) it didn’t mention the Holocaust nearly enough times. Well, you can’t win ‘em all, Spike. I still believe in you!

Recommended if you liked Valkyrie, Saving Private Ryan, or Glory

My Name is Bruce
Bruce Campbell plays himself, except he has to fight Chinese war deity Guan Di (just like in real life, of course). If you don’t know who Bruce Campbell is, this film is probably isn’t for you. (But if you’re really wondering: He starred in Sam Raimi’s Evil Dead series, and went on to become the undisputed king of cheesy cult films, the best of which was arguably Bubba Ho-tep, in which he plays an elderly Elvis fighting an undead mummy. Highly intellectual stuff.)

Recommended if you’re a Canadian named Colleen who likes to write haikus
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'Coraline'

So…between DVDs and theatrical releases, Dakota Fanning has four movies coming out this week. Serisouly, Fanning, take a vacation.

Coraline
I was totally going to go to a critics’ screening of this one, and then it slipped my mind. So I still haven’t seen it, but I have to say it looks pretty cool. Stop-motion animation (like CGI, kids, only better), digital 3D, based on a popular children’s book, spooky atmosphere…honestly, what more could you want? This one’s rated PG and directed by the same guy who did The Nightmare Before Christmas…so if you and/or your kids are looking to have a weekend that’s OMG SO GOTHZ, this is your obvious choice.

Recommended if you liked The Nightmare Before Christmas or James and the Giant Peach

Push
I guess this one is the choice if you’re feeling more ZOMG SO EMO (and yes, there’s a very subtle distinction). In this one, a group of teens with telepathic and clairvoyant abilities, one of whom is Dakota Fanning, have to escape an evil government conspiracy that wants to use their powers for…y’know…evil. Now I’m not saying that this sounds like a total rip-off of the popular X-men franchise, but…um…it sounds…like…a total…rip-off…of the popular X-men franchise.

Recommended if you fondly remember all those movies you sat through as a kid that were centered around a motley group of young heroes, all with their own special ability, who had to use said special abilities at key points in the story in order to overcome evil and learn to believe in themselves

He’s Just Not That Into You
How out of ideas do you have to be in order to resort to taking a best-selling work of non-fiction and then turning it into a formulaic romantic comedy? In terms of inspiration, this one ranks right up there with How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, but a surprisingly large number of big-name actors apparently thought this was a good idea: Drew Barrymore, Jennifer Aniston, Ben Affleck, and Scarlett Johansson (among others) all show up. Sounds like the biggest waste of established brand names I’ve seen in a while, but I’d still rather watch this than the next one on the list.

Recommended if you liked Love Actually (or if you like love, actually)

The #$%#ing Pink Panther 2
I’m sorry, but I can’t even pretend to be objective with this one. What do I hate more: the fact that Steve Martin hasn’t made a good movie in nearly twenty years, or the fact that Hollywood depends on an endless parade of pointless and insulting “reboots” just to pay the bills? I can only imagine what Steve Martin’s daily scehdule looks like: 6:00 am: Breakfast. 7:00 am: Take a dump all over the legacy of Peter Sellers. And seriously, what genious came up with that title? If nothing else, at least the sequels in the original series pretended to be different movies. Here’s some free advice: Hollywood thinks you’re a drooling, lobotomized idiot. That’s why they put derivitive crap like this in theaters. Every time you buy a ticket to a movie like this, you’re confirming that suspicion for them. SO PLEASE JUST @#$%ING DON’T.

Recommended if you want me to hunt you down.

…seriously.

Bill Pullman and Rachael Taylor in 'Bottle Shock'

Evan’s out of town on a much-deserved vacation, so you all get me this week. In other news, it appears to be the week for coming-of-age stories starring Dakota Fanning and set in the American south…enjoy.

The Singing Revolution –
I missed this doc when it was in theaters, but Evan’s four-star review definitely has me interested. This one tells the story of Estonia during the time of the U.S.S.R., how it was subjugated to Russia, and how the people fought back — simply by standing together and singing their national anthem every five years at the Russian-imposed choral celebration. In this simple, nonviolent act of rebellion, Estonians held onto their humanity and their hope and eventually achieved independence.

Recommended if you doubt the power of the human spirit.

Bottle Shock
As with almost anything else (cheese, art, cinema, etc.), French wine was long considered to be inherently superior to wine coming from any other geographical area. All this changed in 1976, when the California wine Chateau Montelena won an international blind taste test, sending shockwaves throughout the international grape-worshipping snob community. This fictionalized account is a great feel-good comedy, featuring some astonishingly beautiful shots of Napa Valley and a dryly hilarious performance from Alan Rickman. We never did get a review of it up, but we do discuss it in episode three of our podcast. Spoiler: all three of us loved it. (And as a side note: Sideways, the other film we discuss, comes out on Blu-ray today.)

Recommended if you like wine but hate pretension

Afro Samurai: Resurrection
I admit that I had never heard of Afro Samurai before researching this post (aside from noticing that some songs from the soundtrack occasionally play on my Pandora Radio account), but it’s just too weird not to mention. Apparently, this one is the unnecessary sequel to the anime TV series, which features a samurai with the voice of Samuel L. Jackson and a hairstyle from the 1970’s competing to be “Number One,” whatever that means. In other words, it’s a dream come true for all the anime dorks out there. In other news, why are the subtitles for sequels always either “Resurrection,” “Requiem,” or “Evolution”? Seriously: the movie business needs to learn some new big words.

Recommended if you always wished Cowboy Bebop and Snakes on a Plane were the same movie.

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Emily Browning and Arielle Kebbel in 'The Uninvited'

If you want all your friends to think you’re intellectual, you’ll go see one of the Oscar nominees this week, many of which are expanding yet again. (I don’t know about you, but I’m getting sick of TV ads that scream “NOMINATED FOR X NUMBER OF ACADEMY AWARDS!!!”, as if it’s somehow an accomplishment to make a stodgy period drama and then take out a bunch of servile ads in Variety.) But if you’re not pretentious, you have the following choices:

Taken
Liam Neeson is an ex-spy whose daughter gets kidnapped. Liam Neeson proceeds to kick serious bad guy butt. If that appeals to you, you know who you are. Personally, I’m all for some escapist action this week, and Evan tells me that this one delivers what it promises, so count it as first on my list. Plus, it’s French. So you know it’s sophisticated.

Recommended if you liked The Bourne Identity, Under Siege or Air Force One

The Uninvited
This one’s a remake of (surprise, surprise) an Asian horror flick, which doesn’t speak well for it at all, but all I know is that the TV trailer has one of the coolest special effects ever: someone drops a glass of milk on the floor, and it splatters into a puddle of black liquid (as opposed to milk). Now that is some nifty computer trickery. Aside from that, it looks like a pretty run-of-the-mill ghost story, and while I do prefer the current spook trend over the slasher films of yore, even I have to admit it’s getting old.

Recommended if you liked any of the identical movies to come out of Hollywood in the last ten years

New in Town
Renee Zellweger stars in a romantic comedy with something for everyone: jokes about underwear, jokes about people falling down, and even jokes about how people in Minnesota talk funny! Look, I could give you any number of reasons that this probably isn’t that good, but what I really can’t get over is how much the poster looks like the one for Reese Witherspoon’s 2002 vehicle Sweet Home Alabama. I’m going to guess that that’s a pretty good estimate of the amount of creativity here…right down to the condescending regional stereotypes that we’ve all seen a dozen times before.

Recommended if you wished Fargo was a rom-com.