A screenshot from Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li. No, honest! I found it on the internets!

And what a thrilling day for movies it is. You guys are just going to salivate over this week’s new offerings. And I mean wide-eyed-erratic-heartbeat-tongue-lolling salivating.

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li
Now I’m happy to admit that I’m a video game nut. Even put in my fair amount of time on Street Fighter 2 Turbo back in the day. But this appeals to me about as much as dropping a rabid hedgehog down my pants does. Do the studios think gamers are so lobotomized that they would eat up something like this based on sheer name recognition alone? And perhaps the more important question: would gamers actually fall for it? Then again, the moviegoing populace on a whole happily forks over their hard earned greenbacks for films like Beverly Hills Chihuahua, so perhaps everyone is stupid and at the mercy of what Hollywood tells them to see.

Recommended if you’re an enormous Smallville fan and have been salivating (there’s that word again) for Lana Lang’s big screen debut.

Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience
I’d like to take a little time to focus on the word ‘the’ as included in the title of this film. It indicates a certain amount of finality; as if to say, “This is the definitive 3D concert experience, the only one that will ever matter.” It’s not THE Jonas Brothers 3D Concert Experience, which completely changes the emphasis. No, it’s THE 3D Concert Experience, with “Jonas Brothers” simply being a descriptor. I don’t know what all of this means, but I’m going to go cry in the corner now.

Recommended if you missed U2 3D in theaters, which was by no means superior in every respect to this film.

So pick your mouths off the floor and go see one of these films now!

After a hiatus of 2 weeks, mostly due to my own forgetfulness, MPT is back in black, baby. Or something.

Rules: we do this every Wed. at 11AM CST (except when I forget…I promise to be good). 1 point for the easy poster, 2 points for the hard. No penalties for wrong guesses, so guess away. Ta da!

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I’m going to have some business cards printed up: “Luke Harrington: He Majored in English so You Don’t Have To.” Then I’ll make it my duty to inform everyone of the cutting-edge literary theories that they should be applying to the movies they watch. I guess I’ll start by telling you that, while studying critical theory, I ran across a complaint against literature (yeah, nearly all literature) posed by a theorist of feminist criticism. The complaint was simple: that the concept of “story” as we’ve all been taught to think about it (and as the story is related by way of novels, plays, films, etc.) is inherently a phallic, and therefore androcentric, one. Maybe that sounds ridiculous, but think about it for a second: every “story” (at least as the term is defined in Western culture) begins with the introduction of a character into a setting; the character has a single driving goal; the thrust (hee hee) of the story involves the character trying to accomplish this one goal until a climax — a single climax, mind you — is reached (and yes, there must always be a climax), at which point the story is more or less over. It’s linear, it’s goal-driven, and it’s phallic. Am I wrong?

No really, am I wrong?
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Every week, new movies come out on DVD. And every week, most of them suck. And every week, it falls upon us here at MovieZeal to make fun of them. Oh, but that one up there? That one doesn’t suck. It’s also your best bet. Keep reading to find out what your worst bet is…

Dear Zachary: A Letter to a Son about His Father –
I have to admit that this one didn’t hit me quite as hard, on a gut level, as I expected it to — probably because everyone had told me, repeatedly, that it would hit me really, really hard. Still, this one is easily the most affecting documentary of the year, a shocking and enraging story of a selfish woman who murders her lover and then uses his child to manipulate the legal system and everyone close to her. It’s a painful viewing experience (and production values are — appropriately — almost nonexistent), but it’s also arguably the most important documentary of 2008: an enraged cry for legal reform, and — more to the point — an unblinking look at the evil that exists in the heart of mankind. Not “fun” by any means, but you owe it to yourself to sit through this one.

Recommended if you want to see something that actually is as important as all those Oscar-bait movies pretend to be

On the Other Hand, Death: A Donald Strachey Mystery
You can’t see it in that little thumbnail to the left, but the tagline for this one is “America’s Favorite Gay Private Eye is Back!” — which is, as you know, a good thing. I can only speak for myself, of course, but I was getting awfully sick of America’s second-favorite gay private eye hanging around all the time (seriously — doesn’t he have a job, or something?). Frankly, I’m not sure why we needed to have a favorite gay private eye in the first place — when I need to find a Maltese falcon, I don’t much care if my hire is into dudes or not, so long as he does his job. But anyway, I see that this one is based on a book by popular GLBT author Richard Stevenson, and it features a great performance from Margot Kidder, and it gives me an excuse to use the double entendre “gay private dick” — when, praytell, will I get another chance to do that? Oh, and that title? Just fabulous.

Recommended if…yeah, I should probably stop there.

What Just Happened
Presenting…your annual dose of Hollywood navel-gazing! I saw this one, and I’m still not really sure what it was about, but it seemed like it was a pretty good movie. Probably. Robert De Niro is a Hollywood producer attempting to get everyone to compromise their artistic vision, and Bruce Willis is a painfully hilarious caricature of himself. Oh, and also a dog gets shot repeatedly. It didn’t really have a plot, and I didn’t care about any of the characters…but hey, the DVD I watched was marked with the words “For Your Consideration,” so I think that means it was good. I dunno. If Hollywood says it’s good, it must be.

Recommended if you live in L.A. and can therefore tell what the heck this movie is actually about

Sex Drive
I really wanted to do this one for the ol’ podcast…seriously, I put in my vote and everything. (We do vote, right guys? Or maybe I’m thinking of my fantasy lacrosse league. Whatever.) We ended up not doing it, so I never got around to seeing it, but I’ll stand by what I said back then: the trailer makes it look darned funny. And yes, I’m speaking as someone who, in general, believes that teen sex comedies (The Reader, et. al.) are a blight on the planet. Any genre has potential if you do it right, though (see: Heaven’s Gate), and this one just might be the long-foretold savior of American Pie and its ilk. And speaking as someone who’s never seen this movie or even read any reviews, I’m pretty much an expert.

Recommended if you like teen sex comedies, or if you don’t and think I’m right about this one.

The Haunting of Molly Hartley –
It’s getting hard to dislike a horror movie just because it sucks. I mean, heck, it’s been so long since a good one was made that I’m starting to think that maybe “sucking” is a convention of the genre. Y’know, just like “stupid teens”, “creepy pre-teens”, “tacky jump scares preceded by long violin screeches”, “gratuitously slandering the good name of Satan”, and “giving away all the best parts in the trailer” are. Not coincidentally, this movie manages to touch on most or all of these conventions (yes, including the sucking part).

Recommended if you were surprised to learn just now that there are, in fact, horror movies that don’t suck.

You have never seen a film like Dear Zachary: A Letter to a Son About His Father, I can promise you that. You may have thought about a film this before in terms of “what if” or “if only”, but you have never seen something like this completely realized. For this reason, you should stay away from much information about the film because it is so filled with utterly heart-wrenching twists and turns that to read even the most menial summary before sitting down to watch it would be an injustice to the experience.

See this movie. It may not always be pleasant, but you will not regret it.
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There’s something to be said for a horror film that utilizes sun-filled fields and posh suburban homes rather than dank abandoned warehouses. I truly appreciate a flick that goes out on a limb and tries to make the mundane frightful. It’s a fine line to walk — the filmmakers have to give us enough common elements to make us feel comfortable in the world before yanking the rug out from under us. When they yank that proverbial rug, however, they’d better yank hard. The bar is set pretty high for this type of movie by The Exorcist, The Omen, and Rosemary’s Baby.
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I’ll give it to you straight…there’s really nothing even remotely good coming out this week. But here’s your consolation prize if you live near a theater in the AMC chain (and pretty much everyone and their dog does, right?): This Saturday, they’ll be showing a marathon of all five films nominated for the Best Picture Oscar, and tickets are only $30 each ($25 if you’re a member of their Movie Watcher club), and that includes a bottomless popcorn. That really isn’t too bad of a deal, if you don’t have any Saturday plans. Having seen all five nominated films, I can honestly say that at least two of them are arguably worth paying money to see, and — well — I’ll say it again: BOTTOMLESS. POPCORN. Seriously. Here’s the link to the info site. Check it out.

Anyway, new releases. And such.

Tyler Perry’s Madea Goes to Jail
You’re not going to find a title much more obvious than that. Seriously, is there anything I could tell you about this movie that’s not already in the title? Maybe if they had called it Tyler Perry Writes, Directs and Stars in a Movie in Which His Popular Recurring Character Medea Goes to Jail, Causes Funny Things to Occur, and Learns Valuable Life Lessons in the Process? Yeah, that’s pretty good. I should get Tyler on the phone and see if he’ll buy that title from me.

Recommended if the whole “man in drag” thing is still clever and witty to you.

Fired Up
Hey, and speaking of comedic premises that have been done to death and I hope I never see again…two football players quit the team and go out for the cheerleading squad in hopes of scoring some poontang. Sounds subtle, sophisticated, and charming all around. Actually, I do have to tip my hat to this one a little bit. After all, it’s a sex comedy where the football players are the heroes, not the villains. This really is a big step forward for members of the campus jockocracy everywhere. Now all we need is a slasher film where the killer goes after the virgins.

Recommended if you liked Porky’s, American Pie, Superbad, etc….and you still think watching guys try to get laid is absolutely hilarious.

The cast of High-School-frickin'-Musical-3. Haters can take a trip. :)

Well kids, my favorite guilty pleasure of the year is now out on DVD. Talk to me in month, when I’m done watching it over and over. (Well, I’ll take a short break, at least.)

High School Musical 3: Senior Year –
The High School Musical franchise isn’t for everyone, of course. I know our fearless leader Evan would rather get the ol’ icepicks under the fingernails treatment than sit through this one, but for my part, I loved it. I loved it so much that I made my wife (who hates the franchise more than Evan) take me to it a second time. And now that it’s on DVD, I’ll make her sit through it again and again. Isn’t marriage great? Anyhoo, this one’s pretty much more of the same, but on a bigger and better scale. Ideally, you should have seen it in theaters, but if you pick up a Blu-ray and watch it on a big ol’ hi-def screen, it should be almost as good.

Recommended if you don’t take your musicals too seriously (those who think Andrew Lloyd Weber is a genius need not apply)

The Midnight Meat Train
You’re the owner of a successful independent movie studio with a pretty good horror movie ready to be released. Do you: (a) pre-screen it for critics, to make sure people know it’s worth the eight bucks, (b) release it into as many theaters as possible along with a marketing barrage to ensure a big opening weekend, or (c) dump it into a handful of second-run theaters and then release it on DVD a few months later? Guess which one Lionsgate decided to go with. Seriously, I don’t know if this one is any good, but it can’t be too much worse than The Eye, which Lionsgate pushed harder than Sisyphus on his first day in Hades.

Recommended if you liked The Silence of the Lambs or Seven

Changeling –
Clint Eastwood just isn’t having the Oscar-filled year he apparently wanted. Changeling turned out to be too stodgy (and not Holocaust-related enough) for the Academy, and the Gran Torino was just…too weird. This one’s a pretty unassuming thriller about a mother who loses her son, only to have him replaced with a different one and see the case swept under the rug. I enjoyed it despite its shortcomings, but most people I know who saw it were bored out of their minds. Angelina Jolie’s up for Best Actress for her performance…take that for what it’s worth. (And for even more Changeling fun, check out episode nine of our podcast!)

Recommended if you’re experiencing some serious 1920’s nostalgia (I know I am)
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This review was originally published October 29th, 2008.

If nothing else, High School Musical 3: Senior Year is the first film in the series that actually features a high school musical (long-time fans will remember that the first was concerned only with the audition for the title event, and that the second actually featured neither a high school nor a musical). That may not be high praise, but I think it’s a pretty good metaphor: number three isn’t perfect, but I think you could make the case that it gets more things right than either of the previous two films did. It won’t change the minds of any of the HSM-haters, but it’s likely to be the least offensive to them. And if nothing else, it provides a pretty good glimpse into what could have been, had Disney given the original’s book and libretto the respect they deserved.
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This review was originally published November 6th, 2008.

Changeling is one of those films that critics hate to write about — the sort that delivers exactly what it promises, and nothing more. Based on a true story that was tangential to the Wineville Chicken Coop Murders, the film makes no pretenses of being anything other than a relatively faithful recreation of the events; it looks at nothing much deeper than you’d expect it to, and makes no effort to delve into the psyches of its characters; on the other hand, the story itself is fascinating enough that it manages to hold your attention pretty well for a couple of hours. It goes out recommended, but don’t expect to hear about it much come Oscar time.
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This review was originally published October 9th, 2008.

Full disclosure: I take my faith fairly seriously, which places me squarely in the demographic that Bill Maher is attacking in his new documentary, Religulous. Given that, reviewing this film could be akin to a member of the Bush administration reviewing Fahrenheit 9/11 or an Orthodox Jew reviewing The Passion of the Christ. Read the following with a salt shaker close by.
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Clive Owens and Naomi Watts in 'The International'

Apparently, Friday the Thirteenth is bad luck. Not only is it bringing us a needless reboot of its eponymous franchise, it’s also giving us a movie with both “confessions” and “shopaholic” in its title. That can’t possibly be a good sign.

The International
What if the world’s largest corporation was lawless, abusive, and downright evil?!! It would be, um, just like real life. (If that doesn’t get me a contract with Air America, I don’t know what will.) This one is from German director Tom Tykwer (of Run Lola Run fame), and stars Clive Owens and Naomi Watts. It also looks like a taut little thriller (I’ve seen the trailer, so I’m pretty much an expert), which makes it my top pick for the week. Actually, it’s my top pick for the week because your other two choices are…well, see for yourself…

Recommended if you wished The Corporation had had, y’know, a plot

Confessions of a Shopaholic
I was wracking my brain for something to say about this one…suffice it to say that it’s just not targeted toward my demographic. At all. If those two capitalized words get your blood going (fans of St. Augustine’s Confessions need not apply), you know who you are. This one’s pretty much got “girls’ night out” written all over it: shopaholic, who writes for fashion magazines, in Manhattan, falls in love with a millionaire. Um…wow. I’ll just stop there.

Recommended if you liked Bridget Jones’s Diary or How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

Friday the 13th
Ah, the 2000’s. The decade that will be forever remembered as the one when Hollywood ran out of ideas and resorted to repeatedly ripping off the 80’s. Here’s a question for discussion: Which is worse: the innumerable horror remakes, which are honest about what they are (Halloween = Halloween, Friday the 13th = Friday the 13th, etc.), or the innumerable sex comedy rip-offs, which pretend to be new movies (Porky’s = American Pie, Risky Business = The Girl Next Door, etc., etc.)? Anyway…um, yeah. This one’s not worth any more words. I’m done here.

Recommended if you forgot how to rent DVDs

'Frozen River'

So, after a couple weeks of doing this, I’m starting to realize they’re, like, twice as much work as the “Theater Releases” posts. Let’s all have a round of applause for Evan Derrick. (I’m waiting for my big bonus check, Evan.)

Frozen River
I missed this one when it was in theaters — being that I live in that cultural hotspot known as Tulsa, Oklahoma — but I hear that it’s quite a devastating little indie drama. It’s the sad tale of a starving woman who has to resort to working in the human trafficking industry — smuggling in illegals from Canada — in order to feed her kids. Not for anyone looking to have a great time, but certainly for those who want to ponder the dilemmas of humanity, be moved to create change, or just impress their self-consciously indie friends with some lo-fi goodness. Daniel Getahun gave it a B+.

Recommended if you liked Chop Shop or 4 Months, 3 Weeks, and 2 Days

Miracle at St. Anna
One of approximately a billion World War II movies to come out at the end of last year, this one bears the distinction of being one of the few that didn’t win much critical acclaim (let alone Oscar buzz). There are several reasons for that: (1) it came out too early in the year, (2) it was directed by Spike Lee (a bit too controversial for the Oscar voter crowd), and (3) it didn’t mention the Holocaust nearly enough times. Well, you can’t win ‘em all, Spike. I still believe in you!

Recommended if you liked Valkyrie, Saving Private Ryan, or Glory

My Name is Bruce
Bruce Campbell plays himself, except he has to fight Chinese war deity Guan Di (just like in real life, of course). If you don’t know who Bruce Campbell is, this film is probably isn’t for you. (But if you’re really wondering: He starred in Sam Raimi’s Evil Dead series, and went on to become the undisputed king of cheesy cult films, the best of which was arguably Bubba Ho-tep, in which he plays an elderly Elvis fighting an undead mummy. Highly intellectual stuff.)

Recommended if you’re a Canadian named Colleen who likes to write haikus
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This review was originally published October 5th, 2008.

The science fiction/horror genre has often served as a launching pad for story tellers who wish to explore grand themes and still deliver an exciting story. In the late 50’s Rod Serling perfected this balancing act of thrilling, funny, heartbreaking stories mixed with social commentary and personal reflection. In The Twilight Zone television series, Serling worked with top notch writers to craft stories that would entertain viewers week after week, while still delivering a powerful message, all in 30 minutes. My guess is that Fernando Meirelles, director of Blindness, has never seen an episode of The Twilight Zone.
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This review was originally published October 18th, 2008.

Josh Ickes, who had a positive reaction to the film, has posted a 2nd Opinion here.

Am I the only one who can still see that “politics” is almost the same word as “policy”? Am I the only one that remembers that the people you vote into your government actually end up, y’know, governing? Does anyone care anymore about being actively involved in our democracy? Or are we all just too busy laughing at the people who belong to different cliques than us?
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Keira Knightley has become the go-to girl for period pictures. Pride and Prejudice, Atonement, Silk, even the Pirates of the Caribbean flicks; if your character frolics in large, poofy dresses, wears hats the size of Gibraltar, or sports a hairdo that puts Marge Simpson to shame, your only recourse is, apparently, Ms. Knightley (aren’t those corsets beginning to leave a mark, my dear?). Nor does she show signs of slowing down: The Beautiful and the Damned (circa 19-roaring-20s) and King Lear lie in her immediate future.
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'Coraline'

So…between DVDs and theatrical releases, Dakota Fanning has four movies coming out this week. Serisouly, Fanning, take a vacation.

Coraline
I was totally going to go to a critics’ screening of this one, and then it slipped my mind. So I still haven’t seen it, but I have to say it looks pretty cool. Stop-motion animation (like CGI, kids, only better), digital 3D, based on a popular children’s book, spooky atmosphere…honestly, what more could you want? This one’s rated PG and directed by the same guy who did The Nightmare Before Christmas…so if you and/or your kids are looking to have a weekend that’s OMG SO GOTHZ, this is your obvious choice.

Recommended if you liked The Nightmare Before Christmas or James and the Giant Peach

Push
I guess this one is the choice if you’re feeling more ZOMG SO EMO (and yes, there’s a very subtle distinction). In this one, a group of teens with telepathic and clairvoyant abilities, one of whom is Dakota Fanning, have to escape an evil government conspiracy that wants to use their powers for…y’know…evil. Now I’m not saying that this sounds like a total rip-off of the popular X-men franchise, but…um…it sounds…like…a total…rip-off…of the popular X-men franchise.

Recommended if you fondly remember all those movies you sat through as a kid that were centered around a motley group of young heroes, all with their own special ability, who had to use said special abilities at key points in the story in order to overcome evil and learn to believe in themselves

He’s Just Not That Into You
How out of ideas do you have to be in order to resort to taking a best-selling work of non-fiction and then turning it into a formulaic romantic comedy? In terms of inspiration, this one ranks right up there with How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, but a surprisingly large number of big-name actors apparently thought this was a good idea: Drew Barrymore, Jennifer Aniston, Ben Affleck, and Scarlett Johansson (among others) all show up. Sounds like the biggest waste of established brand names I’ve seen in a while, but I’d still rather watch this than the next one on the list.

Recommended if you liked Love Actually (or if you like love, actually)

The #$%#ing Pink Panther 2
I’m sorry, but I can’t even pretend to be objective with this one. What do I hate more: the fact that Steve Martin hasn’t made a good movie in nearly twenty years, or the fact that Hollywood depends on an endless parade of pointless and insulting “reboots” just to pay the bills? I can only imagine what Steve Martin’s daily scehdule looks like: 6:00 am: Breakfast. 7:00 am: Take a dump all over the legacy of Peter Sellers. And seriously, what genious came up with that title? If nothing else, at least the sequels in the original series pretended to be different movies. Here’s some free advice: Hollywood thinks you’re a drooling, lobotomized idiot. That’s why they put derivitive crap like this in theaters. Every time you buy a ticket to a movie like this, you’re confirming that suspicion for them. SO PLEASE JUST @#$%ING DON’T.

Recommended if you want me to hunt you down.

…seriously.

Taken offers little in the way of originality (ok, let’s be frank, it offers nothing original); it requires you to suspend an obscene amount of disbelief; and it’s borderline exploitative – 3 nasty strikes that would handily damn any other film. Director Pierre Morel (District B13), however, disregards such concerns in lieu of one thing: delivering on the promise that his chosen genre (revenge fantasy) requires of him (vengeance, preferably of the extremely prejudicial variety). And ohmygosh, Taken delivers on said promise so magnificently that it reduces the intellect to a collection of giddy valley girl-isms: “Do you, like, TOTALLY BELIEVE THAT JUST HAPPENED????” The film is a slice of pure, guilt-riddled pleasure that satisfies some primal need you didn’t realize needed satisfying until you’re watching Liam Neeson exact sinfully sweet revenge upon horde after horde of scumbags and you’re cheering – audibly cheering. Taken’s faults, both egregious and painful, thoroughly drown in the pure fist-pumping pleasure of watching its bad guys bleed out in oh-so gratifying ways.
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It’s the movie poster game that never ends! You know the drill: new set of posters every Wed. at 11AM CST. Easy poster worth 1 point, Hard poster worth 2, wrong guesses won’t penalize you, fabulous prizes await the winner!

There is a theme this week. Extra props to whomever figures it out.

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Bill Pullman and Rachael Taylor in 'Bottle Shock'

Evan’s out of town on a much-deserved vacation, so you all get me this week. In other news, it appears to be the week for coming-of-age stories starring Dakota Fanning and set in the American south…enjoy.

The Singing Revolution –
I missed this doc when it was in theaters, but Evan’s four-star review definitely has me interested. This one tells the story of Estonia during the time of the U.S.S.R., how it was subjugated to Russia, and how the people fought back — simply by standing together and singing their national anthem every five years at the Russian-imposed choral celebration. In this simple, nonviolent act of rebellion, Estonians held onto their humanity and their hope and eventually achieved independence.

Recommended if you doubt the power of the human spirit.

Bottle Shock
As with almost anything else (cheese, art, cinema, etc.), French wine was long considered to be inherently superior to wine coming from any other geographical area. All this changed in 1976, when the California wine Chateau Montelena won an international blind taste test, sending shockwaves throughout the international grape-worshipping snob community. This fictionalized account is a great feel-good comedy, featuring some astonishingly beautiful shots of Napa Valley and a dryly hilarious performance from Alan Rickman. We never did get a review of it up, but we do discuss it in episode three of our podcast. Spoiler: all three of us loved it. (And as a side note: Sideways, the other film we discuss, comes out on Blu-ray today.)

Recommended if you like wine but hate pretension

Afro Samurai: Resurrection
I admit that I had never heard of Afro Samurai before researching this post (aside from noticing that some songs from the soundtrack occasionally play on my Pandora Radio account), but it’s just too weird not to mention. Apparently, this one is the unnecessary sequel to the anime TV series, which features a samurai with the voice of Samuel L. Jackson and a hairstyle from the 1970’s competing to be “Number One,” whatever that means. In other words, it’s a dream come true for all the anime dorks out there. In other news, why are the subtitles for sequels always either “Resurrection,” “Requiem,” or “Evolution”? Seriously: the movie business needs to learn some new big words.

Recommended if you always wished Cowboy Bebop and Snakes on a Plane were the same movie.

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