Emily Browning and Arielle Kebbel in 'The Uninvited'

If you want all your friends to think you’re intellectual, you’ll go see one of the Oscar nominees this week, many of which are expanding yet again. (I don’t know about you, but I’m getting sick of TV ads that scream “NOMINATED FOR X NUMBER OF ACADEMY AWARDS!!!”, as if it’s somehow an accomplishment to make a stodgy period drama and then take out a bunch of servile ads in Variety.) But if you’re not pretentious, you have the following choices:

Taken
Liam Neeson is an ex-spy whose daughter gets kidnapped. Liam Neeson proceeds to kick serious bad guy butt. If that appeals to you, you know who you are. Personally, I’m all for some escapist action this week, and Evan tells me that this one delivers what it promises, so count it as first on my list. Plus, it’s French. So you know it’s sophisticated.

Recommended if you liked The Bourne Identity, Under Siege or Air Force One

The Uninvited
This one’s a remake of (surprise, surprise) an Asian horror flick, which doesn’t speak well for it at all, but all I know is that the TV trailer has one of the coolest special effects ever: someone drops a glass of milk on the floor, and it splatters into a puddle of black liquid (as opposed to milk). Now that is some nifty computer trickery. Aside from that, it looks like a pretty run-of-the-mill ghost story, and while I do prefer the current spook trend over the slasher films of yore, even I have to admit it’s getting old.

Recommended if you liked any of the identical movies to come out of Hollywood in the last ten years

New in Town
Renee Zellweger stars in a romantic comedy with something for everyone: jokes about underwear, jokes about people falling down, and even jokes about how people in Minnesota talk funny! Look, I could give you any number of reasons that this probably isn’t that good, but what I really can’t get over is how much the poster looks like the one for Reese Witherspoon’s 2002 vehicle Sweet Home Alabama. I’m going to guess that that’s a pretty good estimate of the amount of creativity here…right down to the condescending regional stereotypes that we’ve all seen a dozen times before.

Recommended if you wished Fargo was a rom-com.

Well, we usually do this every Wed. at 11AM CST, but I’m a bit tardy this morning. Whoops. Apologies if I’ve wrecked anyone’s groove, but I’m going to go ahead and say that no one is frantically sitting in front of their browser hitting refresh every 10 seconds waiting for me to post the next set of posters. If you have been doing that, please let me know; my ego can always use a pick-me-up.

So, Easy poster is worth 1 point, Hard poster is worth 2. Also, congrats to Nathan K. and Tuire, who both sneaked onto the leaderboard for the first time last week.

Continue Reading »

Gerard Butler is not exactly having a "THIS IS SPARTA!" kind of day in Guy Ritchie's "RockNRolla."

Hey, movies are coming out! Today! Maybe some you haven’t seen! IT IS TEH AWESOMZ!

RockNRolla –
Guy Ritchie makes his big “comeback” with a film virtually indistinguishable from his earlier “successes.” Ok, despite my liberal use of “quotes,” I have a certain affinity for the dude’s one-note ultra-hip British gangster concoctions. They’re simple, for sure, and date themselves as soon as they hit theaters (I can only imagine how poorly Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels has held up), but in the guilty pleasure sense, they’re unrivaled.

Recommended if Ritchie’s one-trick pony hasn’t been flogged to death yet for you.

Vicky Cristina Barcelona –
Woody Allen, the poster boy for overachieving filmmakers, churns out his best work in years (apart from Match Point, which I love – haters can take a trip). I was more enamored with the scenery and the production design than the characters themselves, which are typical self-involved Allen creations, but the performances are top notch even if the scenario is a bit far fetched. Rebecca Hall (Vicky) and Scarlett Johannson (Cristina) run into Javier Bardem (Juan) and Penelope Cruz (Maria Elena) and fireworks and 3-ways ensue, although not necessarily in that order.

Recommended if you either 1) adore Mr. Allen or 2) compulsively watch the Travel Channel.

Roman Polanski: Wanted and Desired
A doc profiling the life and times of embattled director Roman Polanski (responsible for such classics as Rosemary’s Baby and Chinatown) who fled the country in the mid seventies amidst allegations of statutory rape. He hasn’t been back since (although that didn’t stop him from winning an Oscar for The Pianist). This film profiles the case and apparently brings legal indiscretions to light. In fact, things are still ongoing, as Polanski wants to return to the country and the Los Angeles D.A. still wants to prosecute.

Recommended if you liked The Thin Blue Line or Capturing the Friedmans.
Continue Reading »

This review was originally published August 15th, 2008.

Full disclosure: my film vocabulary is conspicuously lacking in Woody Allen. I can count the number of his films I’ve seen on one hand, although he’s made nearly 1 a year since he debuted in 1966 with What’s Up, Tiger Lily? That leaves me either 1) woefully inadequate to discuss his latest film, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, or 2) perfectly suited since I’m not weighed down with Allen baggage, desperately hoping for another Annie Hall. I’ll go with the latter. If nothing else, we film critics love our egos.
Continue Reading »

This review was originally published November 14th, 2008.

Subtlety is overrated. Now hear me out. I’m not saying that we should burn every Bergman or obliterate every Ozu. I do believe, however, that oftentimes something worth doing is worth overdoing. What better time do overdo something than when it’s going to be projected on a thirty foot high screen?
Continue Reading »

Apparently, this is what you have to look forward to if you go see 'Outlander.'

If Oscar bait is your delight, this is your week — Frost/Nixon, Revolutionary Road, Slumdog Millionaire and The Wrestler are all finally expanding to theaters where you might actually be able to see them. Even The Dark Knight (which didn’t really receive the scads of Oscar nominations that everybody but me thinks it deserved) is being re-released to a select number of theaters. Also, opening in New York and L.A. is something called Donkey Punch…which sounds, um, extremely sophisticated.

Slumdog Millionaire
This is the Golden Globes’ choice for “best drama” of the year, and I think I’d have to say that I agree. It’s the story of a kid from the slums of India who wins on the local version of Who Wants to be a Millionaire (thus making trouble with some crooked cops), but it’s not really about slums, or game shows, or even corruption. What is it about? Well, you’ll just have to see it for yourself, but here’s a hint: it starts with “the triumph of” and ends with “the human spirit.”

Recommended if you like gameshows, gangster films, and Bollywood dance videos.

The Wrestler –
Another excellent film, just barely edged out by Slumdog. This one tells the story of a washed-up professional wrestler and his friendship with a stripper. It’s a sad, quiet tale of two people desperately selling their bodies, directed by critical darling Darren Aronofsky (Pi, Requiem for a Dream, The Fountain). In some sense, it doesn’t really overcome its “sports movie” roots, but there’s no reason that it should have to. Also, it ends with the triumph of the…ah, never mind.

Recommended if you wished Rocky Balboa was more tragic, or that Bigger, Stronger, Faster* was more fictional. (Or, alternatively, if you sit up late at night listening to Weird Al Yankovic’s 1984 classic “Theme from Rocky XIII (The Rye or the Kaiser)” over and over again.)

Outlander
I was hoping this one would be about Opus the Penguin discovering he was part of an ancient race of immortals (and thank you to the one person out there who actually got that). It turns out that it’s actually just a science fiction film about ancient Vikings fighting alien monsters with a fusion of space-age and iron-age technology (and stars James “Jesus H. Christ” Caviezel). Well, that’s almost as good, I guess.

Recommended if (and only if) you liked all of the following: Aliens, Wild Wild West, and Highlander.

Inkheart
Brendan Fraser plays a guy who can bring storybooks to life. Hey, haven’t we seen this before with some other equally talentless actor?

Recommended if it really bothered you that The Mummy and Bedtime Stories were two separate movies.

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans
The Underworld franchise has lasted long enough for a third installment? Believe me when I say that no one is surprised as I am. Apparently, its not-all-that-novel take on werewolves-vs.-vampires struck a chord with six-year-old boys with fake IDs everywhere. Anyway, this installment apparently takes you far into the past so you can learn the sordid backstory of the werewolf tribe. Not since The Godfather Part II has such prequelic gravity graced the silver screen.

Recommended if you’ve never heard of House of Frankenstein.

Rules: every Wed. at 11AM CST a new set of posters goes up. The Easy one is worth 1 point, the Hard worth 2. You’re not penalized for incorrect guesses, so fire away. Enjoy!

Continue Reading »

A friend and colleague of mine (guess which one!) never misses an opportunity to point out how much he hates the film genre “musical biopic.” They’re all the same, he says, and they rarely (if ever) bother to make any point, other than deification of the subject. What’s the point if every musician’s life was the same, and their shared rise-and-fall trajectory means nothing, except that they were awesome?

I’m always the first to jump up and defend the genre, but after seeing Notorious — a retelling of the life of hip-hop emcee Chris Wallace/Biggie Smalls/Notorious B.I.G./whatever else — I’m seriously thinking about defecting to his camp. The movie was a blow-by-blow revue of every complaint he has. We see Biggie grow up, rise to fame, and fall victim to a world he never made. We see what a darn nice guy he was, and we see his many romantic and sexual exploits, none of which actually go anywhere. And of course, it’s all filled with lots of boobs, just to give it a hip-hop edge.
Continue Reading »

Chandni Chowk to China

Lots of different releases this week, though I can’t say I recommend that many of them. On the bright side, this would be a great time to hand out the “Snakes on a Plane Memorial Award for the Movie Title That Leaves Absolutely Nothing to the Imagination.” The envelope, please…

Chandni Chowk to China
If you’ve never seen a film from Bollywood (as the Hindi film industry is affectionately known), you really should check one out. They’re all chock-full of ridiculous stunts, dopey music videos, and awesome set design. They almost make Hollywood fare look tasteful and low-key by comparison. This particular one has the distinction of being the first Bollywood martial arts comedy, or so I’ve heard. You can watch the trailer here…now excuse me, but I’ve got to go buy a ticket.

Winner? Not quite. It does feature a character who goes from Chandni Chowk to China, but that title doesn’t tell us what he does once he gets there. Better luck next time, India.

Recommended if you liked Kung Fu Hustle, Shaolin Soccer or Kung-Pow!: Enter the Fist

Defiance
Probably the last WWII-milking piece of Oscar bait we’ll have to sit through this year, this drama features Daniel “Bond-James-Bond” Craig as one of a thousand or so Jews who build a settlement in the middle of nowhere to evade the Nazis. It’s gotten mixed reviews, but the trailer made it look decent. In any case, it’s a better bet than anything else this week.

Winner? Well, it is a movie about defiance, so it gets a few points. That title’s just not literal enough, though. Next!

Recommended if you liked The Boy in the Striped Pajamas, Valkyrie, or The Reader

Last Chance Harvey
Quiet little romantic comedy starring Dustin Hoffman and Emma Thompson, both of whom earned Golden Globe nominations for their work. He’s an American stranded in London, she buys him a pity drink. Something like that.

Winner? Doubtful. I still can’t figure out what that title means…though it does get some badness points for making me think about Good Luck Chuck.

Recommended if you liked An American Werewolf in London, but didn’t like the werewolf
Continue Reading »

To mix things up a bit this week, I’ve only chosen foreign language films (there are an extra 2 this week). However, these are not the Americanized versions, but the original posters from the country of origin. I know, I know, that does seem a teensy bit difficult, but the films I’ve picked should be identifiable even if you haven’t laid eyes on the poster before. And here’s a handy hint: if you use Google image search and type in the name of the film followed by the word ‘poster,’ the very first image that comes up is the one I’ve chosen. So if you have a hunch, just Google it and check the first hit against the silhouette.

Rules, rules, rules: a new mystery poster goes up every Wednesday at 11AM CST (12 Eastern, 9 Pacific, yada yada yada); the Easy posters are worth 1 point, the Hard posters are worth 2; you’re not penalized for wrong guesses, so guess away.

And congrats to Heather for nabbing the Hard poster last week and getting on the scoreboard. I am, however, quite pleased that it took 2 hints in order for anyone to get it.

Continue Reading »

A few moments before I sat down to watch Darren Aronofsky’s new film The Wrestler, I was overcome with prejudice and apprehension culminating in a simple question: “Could someone actually make a worthwhile film about wrestling?”  Call me shallow (you may be right), label me a snob (point taken), but despite all the buzz I’d heard, I wasn’t ready to be impressed.
Continue Reading »

Viggo Mortenson in Ed Harris's 'Appaloosa'

And the releases just keep on comin’. What I’ve found odd is how few new releases hit right before Christmas, and how many have hit immediately following. You’d think that retailers would capitalize on Xmas fever and dump all of their product early December, but December was a bit lean for new DVDs. But geez, look at the glut this week.

Appaloosa
Ed Harris tries his hand at directing a gritty, shades-of-gray Western, although the results were not widely appreciated amongst critics or filmgoers. Viggo Mortenson, Jeremy Irons, and Renee Zelwegger also star (as well as the director himself); and with a cast like that, it’s hard to say ‘no.’ Craig Kennedy bestowed 3 shoulder-shrugging stars upon it, which is better than, you know, no stars.

Recommended if you liked Unforgiven, 3:10 to Yuma, or The Proposition.

Blindsight
A documentary that begins by being about a group of blind, Tibetan children who set out to climb Lhakpa-Ri, a 23,000 ft. sister summit to Everest, and ends by being so much more. Part window into another culture, part extreme sports video, part human drama, Blindsight sounds riveting. Daniel Getahun gave it an A- back in June, so you know it’s worth a looksee.

Recommended if you liked Touching the Void. Which, by the way, if you haven’t seen, rent immediately!

Our Daily Bread
I don’t exactly know what this film is about, but I’m fascinated nonetheless. I believe it’s a montage of images chronicling the journey our food takes from the farms to the processing plants to the stores to our tables. It’s not making a statement, per se, simply engaging you in the process of how we get our daily bread. The production notes call it “a wide-screen tableau of a feast which isn’t always easy to digest – and in which we all take part.”

Recommended if you liked Koyaanisqatsi or Baraka.

Those little lying liars over at Amazon. Vicky Cristina Barcelona doesn’t actually hit DVD until January 27th. 
Vicky Cristina Barcelona –
Woody Allen, the poster boy for overachieving filmmakers, churns out his best work in years (apart from Match Point, which I love – haters can take a trip). I was more enamored with the scenery and the production design than the characters themselves, which are typical self-involved Allen creations, but the performances are top notch even if the scenario is a bit far fetched. Rebecca Hall (Vicky) and Scarlett Johannson (Cristina) run into Javier Bardem (Juan) and Penelope Cruz (Maria Elena) and fireworks and 3-ways ensue, although not necessarily in that order.

Recommended if you either 1) adore Mr. Allen or 2) compulsively watch the Travel Channel.
Continue Reading »

This review was originally published August 4th, 2008.

I was a little wary stepping into a screening of Brideshead Revisited. These British-movies-based-on-British-novels (Pride and Prejudice et. al.) tend to be, in my experience, mere “fan service”—little more than visual imaginings of the novel, intended primarily (or even exclusively) for fans of the novel (sort of like a more-literate take on our recent spate of comic book films stateside)—and I had barely even heard of Evelyn Waugh’s classic tome Brideshead Revisited. (I’m really not sure how that happened, as I possess a bachelor’s degree in English—perhaps because my literature professors always tended toward either extremely old British fiction, or extremely recent American fiction written by “diverse” authors, neither of which describes Brideshead at all. Regardless, it appears that I’m a Philistine. Consider this my formal apology to the literacy police.) Walking out, I felt roughly the same way.
Continue Reading »

This review was originally published August 2nd, 2008.

Swing Vote is the cinematic equivalent of a servile politician. He has nothing new to bring to the table, nothing to say that really inspires the American people, and hardly any real platform to speak of—but he just really wants your vote, will do anything to get it, and heck, he’s just a darn nice guy. What more could you want? Well, substance, maybe, but if so, you’re clearly looking in the wrong country. Swing Vote is undeniably a fun piece of fluff, but those looking for real, meaningful discussion should remain cloistered at the local arthouse.
Continue Reading »

Clint Eastwood.

Everyone knows his name. He’s an American staple – as common a household name as Abraham Lincoln or Thomas Jefferson. Generations have grown up with his films, whether they be the many he has starred in or the ones he has directed in the last 30 years. He’s not only a staple of American cinema, but American culture in general. There’s a funny thing about Eastwood, though: he never quite stays the same. He was introduced to many through the spaghetti westerns of Sergio Leone and from there he created the violent persona of Insp. “Dirty” Harry Callahan. No rules for Dirty Harry; just results. Years later, Eastwood would direct a western himself in which he would reinvent himself.
Continue Reading »

Ron Howard’s films ache for Oscars. Sometimes they win (Apollo 13, A Beautiful Mind) and sometimes they don’t (Cinderella Man, The Missing), but it’s hard to shake the impression that his recent pictures have each been on their knees, begging for shiny statuettes. Frost/Nixon, detailing David Frost’s infamous ‘77 interviews with the impeached President, is rivaled only by W. in its need to be this season’s Politically Relevant Film (Nixon is like Bush! Get it?), and you can practically see Howard popping into the frame, pointing to his favorite bits, and whispering, “For your consideration!” Such baggage threatens to choke Frost/Nixon to death; the first act does an admirable job of tightening the noose.

All the more surprising, then, when Howard clears the golden cobwebs out of his head and switches on the light. The transformation is subtle and unexpected, but around the 40 minute mark the pretty-please pandering dissipates and you’re (suddenly) watching riveting cinema.
Continue Reading »

Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet in 'Revolutionary Road'

Hey friends. Welcome to the first “Theater Releases” post of 2009. I would have done one last week, except — well — there were no releases last week. None at all. Go fig.

I may as well admit my dark secret at this point: If anyone hadn’t figured it out yet, I really hate Oscars season. It’s that terrible time of year when theaters get clogged with derivative-but-pretentious period dramas that beg shamelessly for your acclaim. Frankly, it makes me gag…and every year I look forward to mid-February for some relief. But the point is this: I’d much rather sit through a bad movie that knows it’s bad than a bad movie that thinks it’s a masterpiece (namely, The Reader). That’s why The Unborn tops my list here, and why Bride Wars isn’t at the bottom (actually, it almost made it to second place, but I decided to give Leo and Kate the benefit of the doubt). Obviously, if you’re one of the three people in the world who still take the Oscars seriously, you have permission to reverse my ranking here.

The Unborn

Goes Something Like This: Odette Yustman is haunted by the ghost of a ten-year-old boy that she believes to be her twin, who died in utero. (Seems like he should be the same age as her…or possibly a fetus…but then again, what do I know?)

But It Would Have Been More Interesting If: They had worked abortion into the plot, in a cynical attempt to use political controversy to bolster box office performance.

Recommended if you liked Dark Water, The Ring, or pretty much any other horror movie that centered on a creepy kid.

Revolutionary Road

Goes Something Like This: Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet are a couple on the Titani…er, I mean, in 1950’s-era suburbia, who are dissatisfied with their careers, their suburb, and their relationship.

But It Would Have Been More Interesting If: Hollywood had made a movie about a suburban couple in the 1950’s who found their situation pleasant and fulfilling. Now that would have been a groundbreaking film.

Recommended if you feel that 1950’s culture hasn’t been treated as an artistic whipping-boy quite enough.

Bride Wars

Goes Something Like This: Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway are BFF, until they schedule their respective weddings at their mutual dream venue on the same day. Then the claws come out. Hilarity ensues. (Or not.)

But It Would Have Been More Interesting If: They compromised by each dumping their fiancés and having a big lesbian wedding extravaganza.

Recommended if you’re female (or if you’re like me and have a seriously embarrassing girly streak)

The Reader

Goes Something Like This: Kate Winslet stars in even more Oscar-bait, this time as the MILF who seduces the young, naive David Kross, just before the obligatory Second World War begins.

But It Would Have Been More Interesting If: Anything at all interesting had happened in the whole movie. Trust me on this one.

Recommended if you’re an awards season completist

Ready for a new round, are we? Fingers crossed it’s not a blowout like the last few times (Joseph, Fox, I’m looking at you two). The Easy one is a bit easy – won’t be surprised if it’s guessed right away – but the Hard one should provide a nastier challenge (knock on wood).

Rules recap, for those who might be new: a new set of mystery posters appears every Wednesday at 11AM CST. The EASY one is worth 1 point, the HARD one is worth 2. No penalties for wrong guesses, so have at it in the comments section.

Continue Reading »

Huang Lu in Li Yang's "Blind Mountain".

I know, I know, it’s been awhile. I won’t make excuses (ok, I will, a 3000 mile roadtrip over the course of 2 1/2 weeks with 2 small children, 45 total hours in the car, and 5 separate family groups – I am exhausted). But, I’m back in the saddle. Muchos gracias to Luke for keeping the car running in my absence.

It’s a big week for big releases, but they all – for the most part – suck big wind.

Blind Mountain
Which is why my #1 pick is a film I’ve never even heard of. I don’t know anything about this other than what I read in the synopsis when I was stumbling through Amazon’s releases, but it sounds fascinating. Set amidst China’s breathtaking countryside, a young girl goes on what she believes to be an herb hunting expedition and wakes up the slave/wife of another man. Critical accolades appear to abound, and after Up the Yangtze I am freshly interested in all things Chinese.

Recommended if you liked Up the Yangtze, Still Life, or The Children of Huang Shi.

Pineapple Express –
The one marquee busting release this week that is, perhaps, worth some of your time. Seth Rogan plays the exact same character he’s always played and, barring an act of God, will always play, but James Franco does a career about-face as the stoner to end all stoners, and Danny McBride continues to launch his rising star ever higher as an accident prone but seemingly invincible drug dealer. There are laughs to be had, although I thought it was a bit of the Apatow machine’s same-old-same-old.

Recommended if you flock to anything with Judd Apatow’s name on it like pre-teen girls flock to the Jonas Brothers.

The Grocer’s Son
Another release from Film Movement, this small, contemplative film set in the French countryside. A self-obsessed bachelor returns home after his father suffers a heartattack and goes about the business of running his family’s mobile grocery mart. Family drama and romantic travails ensue, of course, and bits of light comedy are sprinkled throughout. Daniel Getahun had 300 thoughtful words to say about it, so I’m intrigued.

Recommended if you liked Chop Shop, Fraulein, or Bottle Shock.

Ping Pong Playa
A sports comedy that pokes fun at Chinese-American sterotypes and throws in a dollop of hip-hop for good measure? Whaaaaaa? I don’t like sports comedies, nor do I like hip-hop, but that combination of disparate elements is hard to ignore. Could be gold, could be coal, but at the very least, it’s sure to be different.

Recommended if you wished Balls of Fury had been real and, uh, less sucky.
Continue Reading »

This review was originally published on August 6th, 2008.

“Well, it wasn’t as bad as Step Brothers.”

Pineapple Express is the worst kind of film a critic must write about. It succeeds admirably at its implied goals, entertains well enough, and doesn’t fail in miserable ways. You enjoy yourself while watching it, but when you leave the theater it flits out of your mind like toilet paper in the wind. As you sit down to pound out a review, you realize you can’t remember anything about it, so you pull your little notepad out that you scribble random thoughts on during screenings, looking for inspiration, only to discover you wrote nothing. The film engendered no thoughts of significant worth, either negative or positive, at least no thoughts that compelled you to record them for later use. You are, in a word, ambivalent. And now you have to write about your ambivalence in an entertaining and fair manner, when all you want to do is go into the other room and watch the latest episode of The Wire.

Sigh.
Continue Reading »