This review was originally published June 20th, 2008.

Dear Mike Myers,

I just got back from your new movie The Love Guru and can’t say I’ve ever felt this way after walking out of a theater. I’ll give you credit for giving the movie a story, even if it was small and one we’ve all heard before. But my main problem was this: I didn’t laugh once. In fact, I did the very opposite of laugh … something I don’t particularly know how to define. Its as if every time your character of Guru Pitka was on the screen, a part of my brain died and unknowingly got sucked into the screen.
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This review was originally published May 5th, 2008.

I’ll be straight with you—why fight the truth? I like romantic comedies. Yeah, I know. Yes, I am aware that I’m male. Thanks for pointing that out, though. But there’s just nothing like a good romantic comedy. They’re subversive—they fly under people’s radar. They look like fluff, so people allow them to do their thing, and then they can really make good points and even make people think, if they want.

If they want.
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Congratulations to the Alex Searcy, Dylan Fields, Jandy Stone, Matt Gamble, and David Crawford, who all get shiny new copies of Jeff Nichol’s Shotgun Stories. Be jealous of them. Be very jealous. Alex managed to get the most, with 9 correct answers, and while #10 wasn’t nearly as difficult as I thought it would be, no one got a perfect score, which makes me happy.

The answers, then, after the jump:
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Yes, yes, this is the last time I’m gonna beat you people in the face with this, but Shotgun Stories is a fantastic little film that deserves a place on your DVD shelf and I have 5 copies just begging for happy homes. If you haven’t already, see the Mystery Poster Theater contest that you have to enter in order to win the DVD, and send an email with your guesses to contest [at] moviezeal [dot] com. Piece o’ the proverbial cake.

The contest ends tonight at Midnight, Central Standard Time, so get your guesses in before then. I’ll announce the winners tomorrow.

“Coen Brothers” is a certifiable genre, even if there are only 2 people who can make films in it. Whether screwball comedy or neo-noir or gangster or stoner or western, each of their genre-bending films managed to retain the unique Coen hallmarks: quirky characters, idiosyncratic dialogue, vivid regionalism, and a hyper-sensitive balance between comedy and tragedy. Their consistency of vision, beginning in 1984 with the low-budget Blood Simple, is astounding; how many other directors can claim a distinct style that has been preserved over the course of 12 (now 13) films and 24 years?

In Burn After Reading, the Coens may be ostentatiously toying with the espionage thriller (the kind of dogeared paperback novel you might wile away a day at the beach with), but the film is unmistakably genre ala Coen. They have, yet again, crafted a film that no one else could have possibly made.
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A few random tidbits to bring to your attention. First, lest you forget, we’re giving away 5 copies of Shotgun Stories in our Mystery Poster Theater contest. Thanks to all who entered but I want even more submissions; it livens up the competition. Also, it validates me as a human being. The last day to turn your guesses in is this Sunday at midnight, so get crackin’!

Secondly, I wanted you to know that we’re going to start toying with some advertising options. And before anyone starts crying “SELL OUT!”, I promise you they’ll be subtle and contextualized. No ramming Google AdSense blocks through your nose (at least not yet). But frankly, I’ve got children to feed, and I don’t think I can take my sweet daughter looking up at me anymore and saying, “Daddy, can I pleez have a stick to play with?” and I have to say, “Sorry darling, sticks are too expensive, now eat your Ramen noodles.” Think of the children before you send me any hate mail.

On a related note, why haven’t you sent me any hate mail? I’ve been wanting to start a “look at dese here cuh-raaazy emails I gotst!” column, but I need some, you know, crazy emails before I can do that.

I’m currently taking a couple of weeks off, officially (I’ve been blogging long enough, though, that I’ve forgotten how to do anything else with my spare time), but no one else wanted the thankless job of telling you people what’s in theaters, so I’m still at it.

Aw, who am I kidding? You know I love you guys. Hugs all around. Now read my opinions and agree with me. Thanks!

Burn After Reading
Yet another Coen Brothers movie about crime and coincidence that the masses won’t know what to make of. Is it a comedy? Is it a tragedy? Is it both? Who knows? I’ll tell you what I know it is, though: it’s a guaranteed ticket purchase for me this weekend. I doubt this will be another Oscar win for them, but it looks like a solid picture. If nothing else, we’re talking about an excellent cast here: George Clooney, Frances McDormand, John Malkovich, Tilda Swinton, Brad Pitt. And yes, I just read those names off of the poster to the left.

Recommended if you like the Coens. Seriously, do I have to say anything else?

Righteous Kill
I don’t know about you, but my eyes glaze over whenever I hear the words “crime film starring Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino”…especially this time of year, when those words accurately describe pretty much every movie that’s in theaters. Still, this one looks a bit intriguing: a pair of veteran cops find connections between a recent murder and one they thought they solved years ago — is there a (very lazy) serial killer on the loose? So nothing new, but it sounds like some genre fun.

Recommended if you liked Seven, The Bone Collector, or From Hell

The Family That Preys
Apparently, I’m supposed to hate Tyler Perry’s films…at least that’s what the Pompous Film Critic Alliance membership card in my wallet says. But that’s not going to happen, as I’ve never seen any of them. From what I hear, they appeal to middle-class Black Americans, a demographic consistently ignored by Hollywood (yay!), always have their heart in the right place (yay!), and are completely worthless as cinema (boo!). Well, he really shouldn’t be surprised at that last one, since he churns out five or six of these things a year…seriously Tyler, slow down a little bit. It’s okay to take your time.

Recommended if you like Perry. Like the Coens, this guy is pretty much his own genre.

The Women
How do you make a 1930’s comedy about a bunch of idle, gossipy upper-class housewives relevant to the 21st century? Easy: you jettison every character, theme, and plot point from the original film, and then simply reuse the title. Hey Diane English: Paul W. S. Anderson called, and he wants his idea back. Here’s a fun fact, though: this film currently has a 0% rating at Rotten Tomatoes. And if that doesn’t get you into theaters, I don’t know what will.

Recommended if you can’t find a DVD of the original, or if you wonder what Meg Ryan and Carrie Fisher have been up to the last couple of decades

UPDATE: Are any of you having trouble viewing the embedded video clips? And if so, are you running a PC/Mac, and what’s your browser?

I wanted to highlight one of the DVD releases this week that needs a bit more love. Tarsem Singh’s The Fall has been dividing some critics, but everyone appears to agree that it is a visual feast. Singh (who’s last film, The Cell, was also an eye-candy feast) spent over 4 years filming The Fall in 18 different countries and financed it with his own money. Roger Ebert had a wonderful interview with the director a few months ago; it’s a great read, detailing Tarsem’s process and how he accomplished some of the incredible visuals sans the use of CGI:

Tarsem made millions as a director of commercials, and gladly spent most of them to make his movie. “Everybody in advertising,” he was telling me, “always says one day they’ll make a great movie with their own money, blah, blah, blah. They never do it. David Fincher, one of my producers, told me, ‘You happen to be the fool that has done it’.”

I hope to have my own review up in a few days, but in the meantime, peruse Alexander Coleman’s review or Daniel Getahun’s and drink in the trailer. Follow the links to the trailer and extended clips in glorious QuickTime. Gosh, this film is gorgeous.

LARGER VERSIONS
The Fall – DVD Trailer
Clip – The First
Clip – Wedding Crashers

This week’s new releases of shiny spinning moving picture discs are brought to you courtesy of Spout’s FilmCouch podcast, They played a fun little game where they took a famous movie scene, used an online translator to convert the script to Arabic, converted it back into English, and then performed the result on the podcast. Giggles were had. So this week’s DVD blurbs are likewise twice translated for your reading enjoyment.

For my language of choice, I’ve decided to go with Russian.

The Fall
Drop oh the boy of the boy of the boy of boy oh oh oh. I’ve jonesing for this film since then I saw the tail end of the trailer of waaaaaaaaay in March. It is despondent, it never showed upward in my neck of woods but it will finally arrive tomorrow on DVD. Director Tarsem Singh brings its uniquely aesthetic sight the life; filming carried out above the plural years in the plural countries and was almost completely self-financed. It look, that will be breathtaking the fantasy, filled with CGI-free of visuals and moments of make-believe whim. Lee’s pace to press the stars of daisies.

Recommended if you thought Cell, then, Singh’s film previous, was elegant (there are no, I’m without going to protect it the skill of story).

The Forbidden Kingdom –
I dig me a certain military artistry (as I’m certainly you could say by my selection #1 last week). Engine Li Of Chan, 2 of cinema artists large servicemen, play main roles together for the of first of time. The graph, about a certain pasty white little-one which obtains sent back in the time and longer lost “warrior” legends, brain -mushingly of sounds terrible, but calculate me inside for the punch of 1-2 Chan and Li. This is the guilty pleasure of the highest order.

Recommended if you fell in love with the drunken original, then, the fist of legend, or voracious hunts downward eccentric video of combat skills YouTube.

Baby Mama –
I laughed above on the spot in the trailer when to Amy Poehler of peed in the shell. I could actually laugh above on I eat plural times. He said with the fact, this looks terrible. Luke gave to it moderately glorious and estimated it for which it was, but this is one rental I will not make if it’s of wife turnings in order to select out of the cinema of date.

Recommended if stupid imposing.

.

Seed
Of Boll of Uwe strikes again! This guy exactly will not go away, there will be it? As poor penny. Or drunken uncle. Or flowery hamster. This one went directly to DVD, where it will spend entire of 4 minutes on the shop windows of the store before to find its way into the deepest darkest angle of the box of commercial transaction. Where it will give to the copies of Glitter. Poor Mariah.

Recommended if you delight in to select upward women at the car wrecks.

This review was originally published June 7, 2008.

What words come to mind when I say “movie starring several Saturday Night Live veterans”? That’s right: “unbelievable, indescribable awfulness.” I’m sure several of you will jump to mention exceptions (Wayne’s World and Anchorman come to mind, of course), but these are the exceptions that prove the rule. If you lined up every SNL-star-starring movie side-by-side, I guarantee that a good 90% of them would suck.

Keep that in mind as you watch Baby Mama, and you’ll be in awe of the movie’s quality.
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Action stars like Jackie Chan and Jet Li are a dying breed. You know the sort I’m talking about — the ones that have little skill in the way of real “acting,” but still exude an undeniable charisma on screen, do all their own stunts, and possess an uncanny ability for self-deprecation and deadpan humor. Most of ours here in the West have gone on to governing states, but our Eastern friends are still going (relatively) strong in the film world. Jackie Chan is now in his 50s and Jet Li is almost as old (45), but this film marks the first time they’ve shared the screen. And, as you would expect, there is no shortage of awesomeness.
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I’ve had movie poster games on the brain of late. First Sam Juliano pointed me towards this great little quiz at Empire, and then Fletch started running addictive poster guessing games at Blog Cabins. Naturally, I wanted to horn in on all the fun.

But first I am very excited to announce that MovieZeal is partnering with Liberation Entertainment to give away 5 FREE COPIES of Jeff Nichols indie hit Shotgun Stories. Our own Phillip Johnson gave the film a 4 1/2 star review and it has been tearing up the critical circles with a stellar 90% at RottenTomatoes. You can find the trailer either at YouTube or in glorious QuickTime.

So how do I get a copy of this fantastic film for free, you might be wondering? I am soooooo glad you asked. Introducing the inaugural Myster Poster Theater game! Hit the jump for all the juicy details.
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Roger Ebert famously said that “A movie is not about what it is about. It is about how it is about it.” That is an important observation worth dwelling on, for both film critics and casual filmgoers alike, but it is one that I am unable to always embrace. There are times when the ‘what’ overshadows the ‘how’ to such an extraordinary degree that it cannot be ignored, as in the example of Sin City: I find cannibalism and castration to be inherently distasteful, no matter how gorgeous the aesthetic that is layered on top may be. To those who would cry “Prejudiced!” I willingly plead guilty.

Henry Poole is Here is a ‘what’ over ‘how’ kind of film. I’ll happily say that we need more films like this, films that promote hope and redemption over despair and nihilism. However, director Mark Pellington’s intentions are so earnest that it makes the disappointment over his heavy-handed technique that much sharper in comparison. His ‘how’ shipwrecks his ‘what,’ and rather badly at that, although I am willing to eschew Ebert’s mantra in this case and grant him the benefit of the doubt.
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Thank you to everyone who helped make Noir Month the modest success that it was. To all of our contributors…you guys did a fantastic job. I was consistently surprised at the quality and intelligence of the work you turned in, and enormously appreciative of the effort that you expended for MovieZeal. In addition, thanks to all of those who took the time to contribute prolifically in the comments section. Most of you know more about film noir than I ever will, and your insights were both entertaining and enlightening.

We’ll be taking a bit of a break before running another theme month. This was a blast but also a bit exhausting. And for those of you who could have cared less about film noir, we’re hoping to launch some less “academic” features this month. There’s new stuff on the horizon and one project that I am very excited about, which we will unleash upon you mid-September.

In case there was anything you missed, all of the reviews and articles are listed below for your reading pleasure. Seriously guys, we wrote a freaking book this month.
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I’ve never been one for bio pictures. Walk the Line failed to excite me, Oliver Stone’s W. looks to be awfully facile (much like its subject), and I couldn’t muster up much excitement for Jamie Foxx as Ray Charles no matter how good his performance may have been. These films walk a box office tightrope: they are usually seen rabidly by people who know and love the person being biographed (is that even a word?) and completely ignored by the rest of the world who doesn’t really care to spend money on film about them. When it comes to Harvey Milk, the first openly gay man to be elected to public office, I fall into the second category.

But strangely enough, this new trailer for Milk, Gus Van Sant’s biopic of the famed politician, has me excited. To put it mildly, I think this may be one of the best movie trailers I’ve ever seen. Having done some trailer editing, I’ve experienced firsthand how hard it is to achieve the right balance of tension while trying to preview a story AND keep people interested. This trailer achieves all three, it is perfectly edited and designed, features just enough plot material, and flows seamlessly for the entire running time. The performances look to be electrifying as well; I’m sure that helps a lot.

It will be interested to see how Van Sant uses his unique style with this material and if he’ll be successful at evoking strong feelings of compassion both for people who believe in Milk’s cause and those who do not. Paranoid Park (Van Sant’s last film) was a huge success in making a decidedly niche character extremely relatable … perhaps this will be the same.

Turn the volume up and check out the trailer High Definition at Quicktime or in YouTube below.

We finally hit 300 posts, although I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that a large number of those have come from contributing writers over the past month. You guys (and you know who you are) rock the Casbah.

Using the power of the internets (and a Random Number Generator), one entrant has been randomly selected and…congratulations Ryan Dunlap! You are now the proud owner of a smoke stained boxset of noir classics. We’ll be contacting you momentarily to pass over the goods. For those of you quietly weeping into your keyboards, fret not! We’ll be giving away more free goodies next week, although this time there will be a contest involved. Well, not so much a contest as a battle royale involving badgers and sporks. It’s going to be suh-weet.

Thanks to everyone who entered, especially those who took the time to include comments and suggestions. We’ve already been implementing some of them (Chris Polley, I hope you’ve noticed that some of my reviews have been much shorter – you’re right, I don’t need to write a novel for films like Death Race or Traitor), so rest assured your feedback is valuable to us.

Sadly, Mr. Allauddin Muhamadad of the African Development Bank and Dr. Donald Blankstone of the Federal Ministry Agriculture were not eligible for the giveaway because they failed to include the proper information in the subject line. On a more positive note, I am apparently entitled to over $1.8 trillion dollars in inheritance money and only need to fork over my social security number and bank statement in order to receive it. I am so getting that 60 inch plasma I’ve had my eye on!

Slow weekend this time, kids. There’s nothing here that’s quite as embarrassing as the offerings last week, but we are definitely into the fall slump, my friends. Of these two, my choice is definitely Transsiberian, but don’t take that as a ringing endorsement.

Transsiberian -
This is the first time we’ve had a review posted before the film got mentioned in a “Theater Releases” post. Truly a/an historic moment. I’m sure you want to take a moment to breathe deeply and contemplate the gravity of the situation. Oh, and as for the movie, it’s a serviceable thriller set on a train with some pretty shocking moments and a dull ending that tries too hard to be awesome. Not a masterpiece, but not half bad.

Recommended if you liked Fargo, Murder on the Orient Express, or Insomnia

Bangkok Dangerous
Not a surprise: a hit Asian movie gets remade by Hollywood. Surprise: it’s not a horror movie. Nicolas Cage stars in this action thriller, playing an assassin who was deaf and mute in the original. He’s not deaf in this one, because…well, because Hollywood knows that disenfranchised people groups don’t sell tickets (unless you’re trying to win Oscars, of course). Anyway, I think he kills a bunch of people…or…something.

Recommended if you’re longing for another Matchstick Men, or if you always wanted to see Zoolander done straight

Anil Usumezbas is the founder of The Long Take, a site dedicated to thorough, exhaustive examinations of films, both classic and current. He has obviously placed a great deal of time and work into this detailed examination of noir’s history, as well as its myriad of cultural and sociological influences. It’s a wonderful piece with which to exit Noir Month at MovieZeal, so settle back and enjoy; tomorrow we’ll return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

If you have started reading this article here, then you probably know what a film-noir is. Chances are, you are also knowledgeable about the basic elements and characteristics of a film-noir to some satisfactory extent. Initially, I have intended this article to be informative and exhaustive; I wanted talk about the thematic and stylistic attributes of this genre as well as the whole timespan of influences and spin-offs; but then I decided it would be a little boring and completely unnecessary to do so, considering the intellectual capacity of the target audience. You have been told numerous times, I’m sure, by various other articles in the blogosphere that a film is not a film-noir without shadows, light-dark contrast, a femme fatale, a detective/private investigator, morally ambiguous existentialist undertones, complicated plots and an overall sense of pessimism. Therefore I will not merely remind you what I presume that you already know.

Instead, with your permission, I would like to wind the clocks back to 700 years ago.
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Another great list from Graham Culbertson of Movies et al. Debate and discuss.

I enjoyed making my “Ten Best Westerns of the Last Ten Years” so much that I decided to start an irregular feature called “Genres that Time Forgot” where I highlight a genre that had a heyday but has since become a niche endeavor. I started this post months ago but never finished it, so here it is, in conjunction with MovieZeal’s Noir month, the Ten Best Noirs of the Last Ten Years.

10. Dark City (1998)
Dir. Alex Proyas

Unfortunately I haven’t seen the recently released Director’s Cut of this movie, but even the version the studio put in theaters is quite a winner. Proyas is best known for the overrated schlockfest The Crow, but this is a much better movie. The only plot information I’ll give away is that The Matrix rips this movie off heavily, but it’s best to go in knowing nothing. Probably the most oppressively dark films in the movie on this list, the eponymous dark city is a noir wonderland, inhabited by a whole host of noir types. Our hero is played by Rufus Sewell, an astonishingly odd everyman, who wakes up arrested for brutal murders he can’t remember committing. The road he goes down to find the truth, aided by neo-noir standout William Hurt, is a dark rabbit hole indeed.

Watch the first 8 minutes of Dark City here.
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Recently it has come to my attention that there are two types of people: those who would listen to an hour long podcast and those who wouldn’t. Personally, I’m in the “hour long” group. Podcasts have essentially replaced the radio for me (while I’m driving), and I typically won’t listen to one with any regularity unless it is at least 20 minutes long. Listening to a 10 minute podcast is like having to change the radio every 10 minutes – a major pain in the aorta. However, I know there are those who won’t listen to a podcast if it’s longer than 10 minutes. They like quick, bite sized chunks. So, spontaneous poll in the comments section: which one are you?

Fist of Legend
I’m going with a pick this week that none of you will likely care for, but I don’t care because it puts the “Awe” in “Awesome.” Also, it puts the “some” in there. So basically it puts everything in “Awesome.” This is, bar none, the best martial arts movie I have ever seen. Before you cinephiles who flirt with fanboyism get all hot and bothered, however, let me also tell you that it lacks anything resembling an intelligent storyline. This movie is about the fighting and only about the fighting, and it is supposedly the film that put the Wachowskis onto Yuen Woo Ping as the fight choreographer they had to have for The Matrix. Jet Li stars and he kicks the living tar out of everything. The final fight is like 30 minutes of pure kung-fu mayhem.

Recommended if there is a single atom in your body that appreciates martial arts flicks. I love this film.

Married Life
Star-studded cast (Chris Cooper, Rachel Adams, Pierce Brosnan, Patricia Clarkson) gets marital woes and one husband decides to do his wife a favor and put her out to pasture. Craig Kennedy mostly had good things to say about it, and I can dig me some melodramatic tension when characters make really poor decisions (ala A Simple Plan). That this looks like a rental the wife can get behind (which, I’m sad to say, Fist of Legend is not) makes it #2 on this week’s list.

Recommended if you thought Married With Children always lacked a certain…class.

The Promotion
This looks like Office Space meets Step Brothers, and while half of that equation is awesome, the other half is decidedly not. Toss in a bunch of nasty critical pans and you have a film that I would watch if I accidentally stumbled into it, but would never seek out. As in, if I was bored to tears and actively contemplating cleaning the baseboards and this film dropped out of the heavens and into my lap, I would watch it. That this film is third on the list doesn’t say much about this week.

Recommended if you liked Office Space or have Dilbert cartoons papering the walls of your cubicle.

Hit the jump for the rest of the crop.
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