Redbox Roulette is a continuing series of columns where we delve into the wonders of the magical box, the only rule being that we can never have heard of the selected movie. I know, I know, that’s crazy talk. But at MovieZeal, we take the risks so you don’t have to. No need to thank us. We do it for the children.

After previous comments by Redbox apologists, I chose to sample the box’s online capabilities. For some reason I’ve been unable to get The Deaths of Ian Stone out of my head (which I was denied my first time around), so I set the internets to work on finding me a copy. Redbox.com is surprisingly robust, and it quickly found every box in the area that had a copy of the film. The closest one was at a Sam’s Club across town, so I purchased the rental online and hopped in my sweet pimp-mobile (i.e., a dull grey Hyundai Elantra with too much bird poop on the windshield).

Seeing as my car ride probably cost twice as much as the actual DVD rental, I might have been a bit more patient, but “patience” and “practical” are not two words I would use to describe my filmwatching habits. When I want to see a film, dadgummit I’m going to see that film no matter how much ludicrously priced fuel it takes. My enthusiasm, however, is usually based on critical reception or premise or a director’s previous work, but in this case it was based on nothing more than a marginally interesting DVD cover. Ah common sense, I know thee not.

Again, whoever designed the Redbox was a genius. I pressed one button on the screen, swiped my credit card, and received the movie. No receipts, no security questions asking me the name of my first stuffed animal, no lines of impatient Redboxees breathing down my neck because they’re in a hurry to get their copy of The Hottie and the Nottie, nothing. And all in the span of 30 seconds. Genius.

Ian Stone dies. Ooops, was that a spolier?

So was it worth it? Is The Deaths of Ian Stone the diamond in the rough that I had been dreaming it could be? Hmmmm… “diamond in the rough” might be stretching it. “Slightly-tarnished-quarter in the mud” might even be pushing it. But you know what? It’s not bad. In fact, I might even suggest it for a slow Friday night when your Rock Band pals are all out, you know, having lives.

The best way to describe The Deaths of Ian Stone would be to call it “Groundhog Day via Clive Barker on a slow day.” Mr. Stone (played by Mike Vogel, who you might recognize as the brother who becomes tentacle bait on the bridge in Cloverfield) leads a charmed life, complete with rugged good looks, hockey stardom, and Jenny, a beautiful girlfriend with a cute Australian accent. Everything seems perfect. Perhaps too perfect. Wouldn’t you know it, on the way home from dropping his girl off, some cranky smoke goblin yanks him out of his car and chucks him into the path of an oncoming train. So not cool.

Verizon's controversial new method to make sure you can really "hear them now."

ZAP! Ian wakes up in an Office Space-ish cubicle, pushing papers and compiling TPS reports. Was it a dream? Was it a nightmare? And why is Jenny a fellow office worker now? And who is this new girl he’s dating? And why isn’t he on the hockey team in any of his yearbooks? And what the heck is that cranky smoke goblin doing with that nasty looking thing-a-ma-jig? You could really put someone’s eye out with that thing, you know…

Pardon me, but do you have any Grey Poupon?

ZAP! You can see where this is going. Each time Ian wakes up in a new life with little to no memory of his previous one, and each time the same people are present albeit in different roles, and those smoke goblin dudes are always chasing him down and killing him in different ways. Why so cranky, smoke goblin dudes? Still pissed that Lost’s casting director passed you guys up? (ooooh, ZING! Thankyou, thankyou, I’ll be here all week)

Be honest...does this dress make me look fat?

The intriguing premise does not, however, result in an equally intriguing conclusion. The explanation behind all this smoke goblin business is as uninteresting as the explanation at the end of Dark City was fascinating. The Deaths of Ian Stone takes a number of pages directly out of the sci-fi-horror-noir masterpiece’s playbook, but does nothing new with them (I think there is a word for that…what is it…starts with a ‘p’…come on, right on the tip of my tongue…oh yeah, ‘plagiarism’). They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but here it’s just shameful.

In an interview with DreadCentral.com, Italian director Dario Piana said, “In the film you’ll see Stan Winston creations based on my vision, and Stan’s team did it pretty well despite the budget! In the movie there are also some weird hospital torture machines that came out of one of my nightmares, not on the screen for a long time, but enough to be disturbing…” Sigh. Not to impugn Mr. Piana’s ‘vision,’ but if you’re going to rip off Stanley Kubrick, and do it badly at that, you need to at least man up to it.

Spot the differences! I found -3 differences! How many can you find?

Ok, I’m picking on this one a bit much. Perhaps because the premise was so promising, or perhaps because the script and acting were quite good, I was disappointed with the end result. Mysteries are best left not fully solved (writer Neil Gaiman understands this well), because when full disclosure is made, you’re often left with an eye-rolling mess that must have looked much better on paper. Add Piana’s ‘loving homages’ to Dark City, A Clockwork Orange, and The Matrix and that bad taste in your mouth might not be due to the slightly expired gallon of milk you just finished off (expiration dates are the cranky smoke goblins of my life).

I’m coming to the realization that I haven’t heard of these films for good reason. However, I still believe that lurking somewhere within the Redbox is an unheralded gem just waiting for me to discover it. Perhaps three times is a charm, or perhaps ignorance is bliss. Yeah, one of those two.

Sing with me now! "One of these things is not like the other, one of these things..."