It’s the first day of August, so as far as Hollywood is concerned, summer’s over. The blockbusters of yore (Iron Man, Indiana Jones, Prince Caspian, etc.) have all been shuffled into theaters, had their huge opening weekends, and been shuffled out so that they can be released on DVD as soon as possible. Now we’re left with the dregs: the blockbusters that would have been. But there’s still fun to be had. This week we get a super-cheap horror flick, an over-the-top adventure, and a couple of character-driven oddities. Could I complain? Sure. But will I? Not at all (unless it’s funny)…

The Midnight Meat Train
This one tops my list for one reason only: it’s going straight to second-run theaters. Will it be great? Probably not, but for a buck or two, you could do a lot worse. This indedpendent horror flick based on Clive Barker’s 1984 short story tells the tale of a photographer trying to track down a serial killer known as the “Subway Butcher” in L.A. Plus, your mom won’t approve of the title. You can’t go wrong here.

Recommended if you liked Cape Fear, Perfect Blue, or Seven

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
After Stephen Sommers brought us The Mummy and The Mummy Returns, I was kind of hoping that Joel Schumacher would take over the franchise and bring us The Mummy Forever. (Ha! A little Batman humor for all you fanboys out there. Thank you, I’ll be here all week.) Instead, we get Rob Cohen (The Fast and the Furious) and a new mummy — this time Chinese instead of Egyptian. Which makes me wonder: shouldn’t the title be A Mummy? Or does “The Mummy” refer to whatever the producers want it to? Sort of like “The Thin Man”? Hmmm. Anyway, this looks like a fun action/adventure flick. Just check your brain at the door.

Recommended if you can’t wait ten years for The Mummy Begins (oh man, I crack myself up).

Swing Vote
Girl registers her politically apathetic father to vote. Father goes and votes, due to her constant prodding. Due to a computer error, his vote is not counted. Turns out that the entire election depends on his state, and the state is deadlocked. In other words, the country is all holding their breath to see whom one man — the one who doesn’t care about politics — will say he voted for. Am I holding my breath along with them? Meh. (Please note: film features both Nathan Lane and Kelsey Grammer, and therefore might be slightly awesome.)

Recommended if you know absolutely nothing about how the American electoral process works

Brideshead Revisited
This is kind of embarrassing, but I majored in English, and this is supposedly one of the greatest English novels ever written, but I’ve barely even heard of it. I know it’s previously been fodder for BBC’s series of boring-beyond-belief literary adaptations, but that’s about it. According to Wikipedia, the book deals with “what is theologically termed ‘the operation of Grace’, that is to say, the unmerited and unilateral act of love by which God continually calls souls to Himself.” Aside from that, I think it’s about people falling in love and dying. Well, now you all know how ignorant I am. Can we still be friends?

Recommended if you liked Pride and Prejudice, A Very Long Engagement, or anything that’s six hours long and has been on BBC

Is it just me, or is this clip art awesome?

Piper over at the Lazy Eye Theatre has had a little “meme” going for about a week now, and Evan and I at MZ have been tagged no less than three times, so we thought we’d better do it.

The rules are simple: If you could pick twelve flicks to be shown at the New Beverly Cinema (a popular “revival” theater), what would they be? In more detail, it goes like this:

1) Choose 12 Films to be featured. They could be random selections or part of a greater theme. Whatever you want.

2) Explain why you chose the films.

3) Link back to Lazy Eye Theatre so I can have hundreds of links and I can take those links and spread them all out on the bed and then roll around in them.

4) The people selected then have to turn around and select 5 more people.

Anyhoo, Evan and I were thinking, since there are two of us, that opens up a world of “gimmicks” for our choices. Long-time readers may remember a debate we had on the site back in March…it went pretty well, all things considered, so we thought we’d try it again. But this time, rather than sling words, we’re going to sling movies. The rules go something like this:

1. The first person picks a pair of films for the first night that he thinks makes a point.
2. Person # 2 picks a pair of films for the second night that somehow undermine Person # 1’s point.
3. Person # 1 picks a pair of films for the third night that somehow undermine Person # 2’s choices.
4. Etc.

Confused? Yeah, Evan was too, when I tried to explain it to him. (I thought it was pretty straightforward…) But lucky for you, you only have to read the debate, not participate in it. Here we go…

Being a sporting man, I chose to give Evan first pick.
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An import from France, Tell No One is a taut, brain-thumping thriller based on the novel of the same name by Harlen Coben. It deals with many of the standard tropes of the genre – past tragedies, missing lovers, wrongfully accused everymen, 11th hour twists and re-twists – but manages to prevent the proceedings from going stale. However, although it doesn’t succumb to the same, dismal fate of other literary pop-thriller adaptations (cough*DaVinci Code*cough*cough), it is still based on a beach read and, ostentatiously so, ends up being the cinematic equivalent of one.
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I teased you last week. Consider this the official announcement of MovieZeal’s month long film noir retrospective, 31 days chock full of cynical chiaroscuro goodness. The party (or “noir-ty” as it might be called if I had no self-respect, but I do, so it won’t) gets started this Friday, and each day will bring a new review of a different noir. Calling upon the collective power of the blogosphere like He-Man might call upon Greyskull, we’ve pulled together quite the talented crop of guest writers who will be tackling various and sundry noirs over the month. Not only does this keep things flavorful, it also prevents Phillip, Luke, and myself from sacrificing what lives we have at the Altar of the Noir.

Expect reviews and articles on noir from (in no particular order) Graham Culbertson of Movies et al., Joseph Demme of Cinexcellence, Daniel Getahun of Getafilm, Nick Plowman of Fataculture, Alexander Coleman of Coleman’s Corner in Cinema, Chuck Bowen of Bowen’s Cinematic, Craig Kennedy of Living In Cinema, Joel E., commenter extraordinaire at LiC, Rick Olson of Coosa Creek Mambo, Dylan Fields of Blog Cabins, Matt Gamble of Where the Long Tail Ends, Anil Usumezbas of The Long Take, and Christian Divine of Oh My Blog.

Whew.

Using the power of Google, I took a few hours to compile the list for the month. Using IMDB’s Top 50 Noirs as a starting place (a flawed list, to be sure), I cross-checked it with numerous other Top 10 lists and articles on the subject, as well as referencing top noir experts such as Alain Silver and Paul Schrader. I’m confident that these are 31 of the best examples the style has to offer, and while no list is perfect, this one is quite thorough. As you’ll see, I’ve confined the list to the classic period (early 40s to late 50s) rather than open it up to proto-noir, neo-noir, and all other manner of pseudo noir (I’ll go into the reasons for this more on Friday).

You may also have noticed that our randomized banner up at the top has started cycling through frames (and posters) from all of the films we will be profiling this month. There are over 90 different banners, but rather than have you attempt to guess which banner is from which film (a nearly impossible feat), I’ve included a handy little label in the bottom corner so you kids can follow along at home. I’m cool like that.

So, without further yapping (and after the jump), here are the films we will be featuring during August, in chronological order, including a gallery of all the theatrical posters. Feel free to spout off in the comments if I’ve left off your favorite.
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Before we even see the full title of Bigger, Stronger, Faster*, director Christopher Bell essentially gives us his life story. He and his two brothers grew up in the U.S. in the 1980’s—the era of enormous musclemen. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone were huge at the box office, and Hulk Hogan was rocking the arena in the WWF. As members of a family who were husky by nature, Bell and his two brothers became obsessed with bulking out, leading them into the worlds of college football, professional wrestling, weightlifting, and bodybuilding—where the pressure to be the biggest, the strongest, and—yes—the fastest was insurmountable. All three of them turned to steroids, not necessarily to be the best—but merely to meet status quo. And on their way to adulthood, they realized all their heroes—Sly, Arnold, the Hulk—had done the same.

It’s only then that the title appears on the screen: Bigger, Stronger, Faster*: *The Side Effects of Being American.
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An unkempt woman sits by herself on the beach, both physically and emotionally alone. Her only companion is the endless ocean, but it is the perfect one. And then a little girl appears, wearing only a red and white inner tube, walking out of the waves like Neptune’s daughter herself. Her striking blue eyes are intensely innocent, and damp red ringlets surround a cherub’s face. She stops next to the woman, saying nothing, only staring unblinkingly. The woman looks back, confused and amazed and wondering. Then she stands up, turns to leave, and the watery nymph follows her.

It is a moment of astonishing beauty and it took my breath away when I saw it. Jellyfish is a film filled with such moments.
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This week I’ve decided to include something called the Bin of Shame, and I’m sure you can guess exactly what will be going into it. Do you really care about Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay? Or Never Back Down, that Karate Kid knockoff that was two decades too late? I don’t. I don’t think you do. So they go into the Bin of Shame and I’m not going to mention them again. Each week I’ll chuck a few films in there, so you’ll know they exist if you really want to see them, but I will not have to lost part of my soul by writing about them. It’s a win-win-win situation.

The Band’s Visit -
Rent this film immediately. Every time I think back on it I smile. It is a simple, beautiful, but moving comedy about the human experience. Nothing of great import happens, and although the film involves Arabs and Israelis having to stay with one another, there is absolutely no politicizing. It is a film filled with tender and wonderful moments and one of the top 5 films I’ve seen this year. Along with Jellyfish (which I just reviewed), Israel seems to be having quite the cinematic revolution. Perhaps they are experiencing a ‘New Wave,’ that term pretentious cinephiles of all ages love to toss around. Anyone know of any other fantastic Israeli films I need to check out?

Recommended if you liked Lost in Translation or Lars and the Real Girl

Surfwise
This is out on DVD and my local arthouse opens it up this Friday. Do you see something wrong with that picture? Regardless, this doc about a Jack Kerouac-like father figure who packs his wife and 8 kids and takes them on a cross-country surfing trip inside a 24 ft. camper appears to be about more than what I just wrote. Daniel Getahun had a great write-up on it, and I hope to have a review up later this week.

Recommended if you like documentaries about controversial child rearing tactics. And really, who doesn’t?

Doomsday -
Post-apocalyptic genre bender FTW! Ok, I have to admit I started this the other night and fell asleep 30 minutes in. I plan on finishing it at some point, but that isn’t exactly a glowing recommendation. This one is more for the rubbernecker in you, the oh-my-gosh-I-can’t-believe-they-made-a-film-like-this side of you that just has to look. You know who you are. This is 28 Days Later meets Mad Max meets King Arthur meets Gladiator meets pure insanity. Not a good film by any means, but certainly a film.

Recommended if you like all of the films I mentioned above and have been longing for someone to combine them into one.

Shine a Light
I betray my musical documentary/biopic prejudice again by putting this at the bottom of the list. While I loved U2 3D, neither The Rolling Stones nor Scorsese really do it for me (I know, I know, I’m a Philistine), and this doesn’t appeal in the slightest. I got rapped hard on the knuckles the last time I did this with a musical biopic (Anton Corbijn’s Control), so perhaps I will be reprimanded once again.

Recommended if you disagree with everything I just wrote.

This review was originally published March 29th, 2008.

The title card at the beginning of the film reads, “Once - not long ago - a small Egyptian police band arrived in Israel. Not many remember this…It wasn’t that important.” What an understated way to begin such a charming, funny, heartfelt, insightful, bittersweet, and life affirming film, but once you’ve reached the end, you realize that it could not have started any other way.
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This review was originally published March 15th, 2008.

I’ll cut straight to the chase here: Doomsday is a movie for thirteen-year-old boys. Specifically, thirteen-year-old boys with strong stomachs who know how to sneak into R-rated movies. If this is you (either in fact or in your mind), you’ll probably want to see Doomsday. If not, you’ve been warned: stay far, far away. Neil Marshall’s latest exploitation picture certainly appears to have serious sci-fi pretensions at moments, but in the end, this is just a bad movie lover’s dream come true. Marshall effortlessly moves from genre to genre—cop thriller, post-apocalyptic sci-fi, medieval swashbuckler, etc.—and pulls it all off, tossing in massive amounts of bloody, chaotic violence the whole way.
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Just a quick announcement that we are doing another ‘theme’ month here at MovieZeal during August. Last time we tackled the work of the Coen brothers, which I think was a modest success, but this time we’re aiming a bit higher. Instead of profiling a single director’s filmography, we’re featuring an entire movement: Film Noir. The festivities kick off a week from today on the 1st and we’ll be reviewing a different noir masterpiece each day of the month until the 31st. For those of you with mad trigonometry skillz, that equals 31 different films.

Rather than slowly go insane attempting to take on all of that work ourselves, we’ve invited numerous denizens of the film blogosphere to contribute pieces, so expect a lot of extremely talented guest writers. I’ll write more on this next week as we head into the month, but I wanted to formally announce it here.

Also, Josephe Demme of Cinexcellence is hosting an Unseen DVD Blog-a-Thon at his site. You are cordially invited to plunge head first into the $1 bargain bin at your local Walmart, retrieve the shiniest turd possible, and then write about it (masochism is your friend). He’s running the blog-a-thon until August 17th.

One of the charges often leveled against film critics is that they are “out of touch” with American audiences. The proof that is generally cited comes from placing each year’s average critical top 10 list and its top 10 grossing films side by side and seeing how closely they match. For example, 2007’s critical darlings, No Country For Old Men and There Will Be Blood, respectively placed 36th and 66th at the box office. There are reasons for this discrepancy, primarily bad movie burnout amongst critics and the ever-present tension of art vs. entertainment, but I’ve always prided myself on being an unpretentious critic who loves his trash as much as his mise-en-scène (I did say I was unpretentious, right?). However, sitting in the theater watching Step Brothers, I wondered if I had finally crossed over to the other side. The audience was eating up every second of it like a lottery-winning coke fiend and I was just sitting there, wondering where that piece of food stuck behind my back molar was from, how long it had been there, and gosh it’s really about time I made a dentist appointment.
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Introduction goes here. [To my editor: Please just pull something random out of the New Yorker and put it here, or something. I want to look intelligent, but writing an introduction to these two movies is a lot of work and a waste of my time.]

The X-files: I Want to Believe
Okay…so I never got around to watching the show, or even the first movie, but I was repeatedly told that it’s the sort of thing I “might like.” Unfortunately, in the 90’s, I was busy doing important things that would change the world, so I never found time to waste hours in front of the TV, warping my brain with crackpot conspiracy theories. At this stage of  life, though, that sounds pretty good. So I might check this one out…if THEY don’t get to me first.

Recommended if this is the sort of thing you “might like”

Step Brothers
I haven’t done any research on this one, but I think it’s about a pair of brothers who live on the steppe, or something (geez, way to spell, Hollywood). And one of them is, like, Will Something, and the other is John C. Whatever. And yeah, that’s pretty much it. (Question: does anyone care about this movie? If you do, please let me know…I really want to know who you are.)

Recommended if you have a choice between watching this and committing a felony. Nah, on second thought, go with the felony.

So, this is a bit tardy. But since there was only one significant new release this week, and since I was on a business trip, I wasn’t too worried. You people will take what I give you and you will like it. You will LIKE it, I say. But… wow. This week is dead, dead, dead.

21 -
I remember reading “Bringing Down the House,” the book that 21 is based on, nearly four years ago and thinking, “This would make an awesome movie.” Well they got one half of that right, but it wasn’t the ‘awesome’ half. What bugs me the most about this is that the original MIT Blackjack team was entirely Asian. As in not white. Or Caucasian. Or in desperate need of sunblock. And last time I checked, the closest Jim Sturgess and Kate Bosworth could come to ‘Asian’ was being called ‘off white,’ but then that’s not saying much, is it? Perhaps an enjoyable enough pop fantasy, but not a winner in the “Reasonably Accurate Adaptation” department.

This review was originally published March 29th, 2008.

21 is essentially a film that wants to be a combination of A Beautiful Mind and Catch Me if You Can for the teenybopper set, and it comes relatively close to making it over the bar. It’s not as smart as either one of those two, but it’s got a modicum of substance—plus it’s got style coming out the wazoo. There’s not an explosion to be had here, but there’s so much visual flourish that you really have to see it on the big screen (unless, of course, you’re one of those people with one of those 1,000-inch plasma screens and Dolby 500.3 Surround Sound—in which case, give some money to the poor, dude).
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I sat through all 81 minutes of Space Chimps, but all I could think about the whole time was WALL-E. It had never occurred to me before that hour and a half (which I’ll never get back, by the way), but Pixar managed to make an entire movie set in space, without ever once resorting to extraterrestrials as a plot point. This may not seem remarkable, until you consider how infrequently that sort of storyline actually makes it into production. It’s not hard to imagine the studio board meeting that birthed this film…
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A landmark film like The Dark Knight (supposedly … I’m waiting two more days to see it) deserves to have some big-money trailers preceding it. There’s one I especially have in mind: Zack Snyder’s adaptation of Alan Moore and David Gibbon’s Watchmen. Just in case you don’t know, Watchmen is, as the trailer suggests, “the most celebrated graphic novel of all time.” Its true: Moore and Gibbon’s superhero fantasy is one of the most sweeping, complex, pieces of literature to be written this century. If you haven’t read it, well, consider this an order. You’ll probably find it in a used book store for a good price. Hit the jump for further comments.
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Along Came a Spider is a film that draws you in immediately, but spends the next two hours throwing your interest away. Die-hard whodunit fans may enjoy the fact that the movie keeps them guessing, but those looking for a great film will ultimately be put off by bland characterizations, poor acting, and a plot that only occasionally makes sense.
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Yeah, yeah…go, Batman. We all love Batman.

The Dark Knight

I fear the fanboys, so I can’t say anything bad about this movie. So…let’s see…This movie is guaranteed to be the best thing ever. Batman is not getting old as a character at all, even after 70-odd years of doing the same thing over and over. Assuredly, this latest flavor of Batman will be better than all previous attempts to make him relevant, and I certainly can’t think of anything that I’d rather take seriously than a guy who dresses up in a rubber bat costume to fight a sociopath in a clown outfit. A remake of Tim Burton’s 1989 film was way overdue (it’s been almost 20 years! get your head in the game, Hollywood!). And finally, Heath Ledger died tragically after filming this one, which is proof-positive that this is his best performance ever. Enjoy your opiate, masses. (All joking aside, the trailer does make this one look pretty cool. I’ll probably go. Just not on opening night…the thought of rabid Batman fans scares the guano out of me.)

Recommended if…yeah, I’m not even gonna bother. You’re all lined up at the box office already.

Space Chimps

If you were wondering why Dark Knight was still my top choice, despite my sarcasm (what sarcasm?), here’s your answer (well, this movie and the next one). CG animals with celebrity voices are, of course, all the rage right now, because just like Batman, they’re not getting old at all. Every studio in Hollywood knows that kids aren’t particularly discerning, and their parents just want them to shut up for an hour and a half, so the studio suits just play this little Mad Lib game: “(type of talking animal) in (mildly surprising location).” Now fill in the blanks with “zoo animals in Madagascar,” “forest animals in suburbia,” “penguins in the tropics,” or “chimpanzees in space” and you’ve already made yourself a cool $100 million. Who even needs a clever script or the latest animation software? Plus, the sequels to these things practically write themselves!

Recommended if you just can’t get enough mediocrity.

Mamma Mia!

…And if you’re looking for a movie trend even more nauseating than CG animals, how about a nice musical? Like nearly every bad film musical, this was based on a bad stage musical. And like nearly every bad stage musical, that one was based on the aging works of a washed-up pop band (in this case, ABBA). If the trailer is any indication, this one looks to be two hours of Meryl Streep, Pierce Brosnan, and Colin Firth, among others, all standing on piers and lip-synching to songs you were hoping you’d never hear again. There’s an outside chance that this could be watchable, but if you’ve really got that musical itch, you’re probably better off renting The Music Man for the umpteenth time and waiting for High School Musical 3 in October.

Recommended if you still haven’t gotten over that 1980s nostalgia that the rest of us have been sick of since, like, 1991.

Note: This is part of an ongoing series. One of us goes to a Redbox DVD rental, picks a movie, and writes about it. The movie has to be one we’ve never heard of.

This NOT clip art. These were the ACTUAL RINGS!!! (Just in case you thought I was lazy.)

It all started when my brother got married. My lovely wife and I drove up from Tulsa, OK to Kansas City in order to take part in the festivities. And festivities there were. Most of them involved me standing at the front of a church in a moderately ugly tuxedo. Man, were my feet sore. But alas, this is the price we pay to get rid of our loved ones. (Note to my bro: I keed! I keed!)

Anyway, the whole thing went off without a hitch. Or, with a hitch, as it were. Vows were exchanged, pretty dresses were worn, unnecessary photographs were taken, dances that were popular ten years ago were danced, and an enormous cake was cut and duly shoved into the couple’s faces. The whole nine yards. And also there was a chocolate fountain. Those things are awesome.

Hey, where are you going? I promise, I’ll say something about a movie soon. Real soon. Keep reading, you’re just getting to the good part.
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So there’s this movie called The Beach Party at the Threshold of Hell that stars Daniel Baldwin (is that B or C grade Baldwin? Or is it D? I can never remember.) coming out today. It also has, oddly enough, the ‘National Lampoon Presents’ qualifier attached to the beginning, although we all know how much that counts for these days. Suffice to say, I will not be mentioning this film below, but I thought I would share with you the kinds of freakshow anomalies I come across while trudging through the back alleys of Amazon’s release lists. See the service I provide for you? See?

The Bank Job -
I noticed something while looking over my review for The Bank Job (ok, this will be totally tangential to the film itself…it’s a good enough heist flick, definitely worth a rent. Now, with that out of the way…). The wordcount for it is 530. Now, take a look at my recent reviews-Hellboy 2, for instance. It has a wordcount of 1350. Ouch. I’ve obviously gotten a bit more windy in the last 5 months. The question is, is that a good thing or bad? My review for The Bank Job is written well enough, I guess, but it essentially is nothing more than what I like to call an “eloquent recap.” I’m telling you what happened, eloquently enough, but it’s simply a blow-by-blow of the plot and actors, yada yada yada. Pretty dull, in fact. In my piece for Hellboy 2 I actually make a few decent observations about the nature of the film as muse for del Toro rather than a simple comic book adaptation (well, at least I think so). It’s not just a decently written breakdown of the various elements - I’m trying to make broader points that tie into the visual genius of del Toro as a filmmaker.

And no, I’m not having a blogging crisis in which I desperately seek validation from you, my semi-frequent readership. I’m just wondering: which do you prefer? Short and sweet yet slightly monotonous? Or longer, more detailed, and with more (I hope) expansive observations? Or, more simply, have I become a windbag in desperate need of an editor? Sound off in the comments, and remember: be honest.

Recommended if you liked Ocean’s Eleven, The Italian Job, or Ronin

The Year My Parents Went on Vacation
I missed this one when it hit the Circle (our local arthouse) earlier in the year. A incisive look at the waning years of Brazil’s last military dictatorship as seen through the eyes of a child abandoned by his parents searching for a better life, this one looks like it could hit the sweet spot emotionally. It also revolves around football (why do we Americans have to re-brand things -i.e., soccer - with idiotic names all the time?) and the World Cup. Critical reception has been good. Probably worth a look.

Recommended if you liked Cinema Paradisio or Life is Beautiful

Meet Bill
I’m a sucker for Aaron Eckhart, ever since I saw him in the absolutely fabulous Thank You For Smoking (if you haven’t seen it, rent it immediately - it’s the film that Jason Reitman debuted with before directing Juno). I’ve heard little about this one. It appears to be a mid-life crisis comedy of some sort (perhaps a more lighthearted version of About Schmidt?), and has a thrilling supporting cast, which includes Elizabeth Banks, Timothy Olyphant, Jessica Alba, and Kristen Wiig. In lolcat speak, “I haz an intrest.”

Recommended if you liked About Schmidt or wished American Beauty had been, you know, less depressing.

Hit the jump for the stragglers, but you’ve been warned: it’s not pretty.
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