Features Jun 24 2008 @ 04:21 pm
REVIEW: Citizen Kane…which sucked, by the way
America, and like…1989, I think?
Directed By: Probably Steven Spielberg. He’s a director, right?
Written By: Not those guys who wrote the Pirates movies. So I don’t care.
Starring: Some dude who sounds like that mouse from Animaniacs
Running Time: Too friggin’ long.
Rated PG…for boring-ness.
(out of 57 rectangles)
Note: This was written for the Bizarro Blogathon at Lazy Eye Theater.
Okay, so I was just, like, hanging out, when this guy Evan says to me, “Why don’t we watch this movie?” and I’m all like “What movie is it?” and he says “It’s called Citizen Kane.” I say, “Citizen Kane? Is that one new? I’ve never heard of it.” And he’s all like “No, I think it’s been around a while now.”
“So it’s like, 80’s? Does it have Patrick Swayze in it?”
And he’s all like, “Patrick Swayze? Like in Dirty Dancing? That’s barely even a movie!” and I’m all like, “Whatever,” so he pops it in the DVD player, and it starts up.
OMG, it sucked.
Okay, so like first off, they must have been using some weird new digital effect or something, because the colors were, like, missing. I mean, I don’t get it. Everything was in, like, shades of gray, or something. There was just black…and white. Um, excuse me? Maybe it was supposed to be like that other movie, Sin City? OMG, Jessica Alba was sooo hot.
Yeah, that kid in the window? Totally distracting.
So, it opens with this shot of an old guy. Yeah, like I want to see an old guy????? And I’m totally serious: the camera was, like pointed straight up his nose! Ew! And then he said some word that I didn’t understand, so I’m all like, “What did he say?” and Evan’s like “Sssh!” but I’m like, “Whatever, I want to know what he said,” and he’s like, “Let me watch the frickin’ movie,” but I’m like, “Please just tell me,” and finally he goes, “Rosebud! He said Rosebud, okay?! Just watch the movie!” so I’m all like, “Where did that come from? Chill.” And he just glares at me. What did I do?
So because Evan was talking I missed most of the next part. I think it was like a news show, or something? But they were, like, watching it in a movie theater. Why would they do that? I’m like, is that supposed to be funny? Where’s the joke? I mean, I’m sorry, but a movie that wants to make me laugh needs to try a little harder than that. Like that new movie with the guy from Austin Powers. That movie was good. And also, I totally got to make out at it.
So anyway, the news show ends and there’s some people in the theater and they’re all like, “What does Rosebud mean?” and I’m like “Duh! That’s what I’ve been asking Evan for the last ten minutes!”
And he’s like “Ssshh!”
And I’m all like, “Just tell me what Rosebud means! I hate movies that are hard to understand. This is like that time I tried to watch Knocked Up and I was like, why is everyone fighting? I thought this was a comedy! Hello!” And so Evan tells me to shut up again, and I tell him I can’t follow this movie cuz I don’t know what “Rosebud” means.
This movie sucks.
So then there’s this guy who’s, like, going around, and um, talking to people. So I’m like, “I don’t get it. Was that the old guy from earlier?” and he’s like, “No, this is a reporter.” OMG, what??? Why do they keep giving me new characters?
Um...seriously. I don't watch movies to see girls wearing clothes.
So, then my friend Chris totally texted me, and I had to have this way-important conversation with him because he can’t find the tap for our kegger, and I’m trying to solve his crisis, and then when I look up, there’s this kid on a sled or something. Whatever. Then later on, I guess, this guy gets a newspaper company, and—seriously—those girls aren’t even hot. What are they doing in a movie???
Yeah, so I finally avert this crisis with Chris, and I have, like, no idea what’s happening. What good is a movie if you lose the plot the second you take out your cellphone? Who likes garbage like that?
Okay, so I guess later on, there’s some sort of scene in a tent, or something? And this guy totally slaps his wife, which is so not cool. This is why this movie sucks—it has a guy slapping his wife. I’m just so totally against domestic violence, and everything it, like, stands for, and, like, any movie that has it, and stuff.
Then Old Dude throws a temper tantrum, and then he dies again. So like, what? They think that, like, when I watch a movie, I like, wanna see a guy die twice? Oh, and then they burn a sled. Like, who burns a sled? I guess that part was supposed to be funny, again. This movie was total crap.
Yeah...People do not stand on stacks of newspapers. This movie blows.
So, like, I don’t even know what Hollywood was thinking when they made this movie. First off, when you make a movie, it needs to make sense, okay? Like, if there’s a guy and girl, they need to fall in love. And if there’s a car, it needs to explode. And if you want to be funny, you can’t have characters that just sit around and talk, without ever wearing funny underwear. This isn’t that hard, okay people? Also, it was way too unrealistic. Like, people don’t die twice. The world has more than two colors. And Xanadu is so not some mansion in California. It’s an Olivia Newton-John movie, okay???
How people can be so totally dumb…it just makes me…um…y’know…mad.
on Jun 24 2008 @ 4:57 pm 1. Cinexcellence said …
Yeah, what a piece of crap. (That first caption is brilliant)
on Jun 24 2008 @ 5:15 pm 2. Phillip Johnston said …
I had Kane sitting on my desk one time and someone came over to me and said, “That movie is dumb … it doesn’t even have a good story.” I asked them for a better choice and they submitted Paycheck (yeah … that one) as the better movie.
I contemplated never talking to them again. Ever.
on Jun 24 2008 @ 7:30 pm 3. stephanie said …
your review is amazing, i really connected with it.
on Jun 24 2008 @ 7:32 pm 4. Cinexcellence said …
Phillip, I think I heard the Paycheck argument before. Probably from the same person?
on Jun 24 2008 @ 7:57 pm 5. Phillip Johnston said …
Definitely from the same person.
on Jun 24 2008 @ 8:32 pm 6. Luke Harrington said …
Honestly, I just had to look up Paycheck now. If I’d heard of it, I definitely hadn’t thought about it in years. Sorry, but any movie that involves Ben Affleck and John Woo can’t possibly be good.
I do think that Tokyo Story is better than this one, however.
Just for the record.
on Jun 24 2008 @ 9:44 pm 7. Evan Derrick said …
Yeah, I do remember watching this with you, ya jerk. I swear, last time I try to give you culture, you inbred swine.
on Jun 24 2008 @ 11:48 pm 8. Rick Olson said …
Tokyo Story … now THERE’S a piece of crap. Ozu was a talentless hack, who couldn’t even afford a dolly for Pete’s sake. Michael Bay: now there’s a genius. HIS camera moved all the time.
on Jun 25 2008 @ 7:57 am 9. Rachel said …
I’m with you, Luke. I tried watching this crapfest one night and the entire time I thought “I could be doing my nails, instead of watching some bloated old fart whine about life.” I mean the lead guy wasn’t even hot! How is the movie suppose to hold my attention with this Orson Welles windbag, who’s far from being the next Sexiest Man Alive.
Whatever. I’m going to watch Grey’s Anatomy.
on Jun 25 2008 @ 1:22 pm 10. Scott said …
“And Xanadu is so not some mansion in California. It’s an Olivia Newton-John movie, okay???”
I KNOW! I totally tired to tell my professor this but. he. would. not. listen.
He also didn’t listen to my “BLACK&WHITE” equalls “BORING&WIRED” arguments.
on Jun 25 2008 @ 1:30 pm 11. Evan Derrick said …
Tragedies, Scott. Tragedies all around.
on Jun 26 2008 @ 4:40 pm 12. Fox said …
Right on Luke! I’m so glad you’re talking about this.
I rented it from Blockbuster one time (NOTE: they gave me TWO (!!) discs, and I was like “Dude! How long is this movie? It’s on TWO dvds!! UGH!”…anyway…) and for some reason that fat dude with glasses, Gene Siskel, was all talking over the movie and explaining everything. Anyways… he got to the part about how Citizen Kane was important because of “deep focus”? Um… ok. Like, I’ve seen movies that came out before Citizen Kane and they were totally in focus. GAWD… what an idiot. Movie obsessives are so lame.
on Jun 28 2008 @ 8:44 am 13. Luke Harrington said …
Yeah, I know - like, some people even have “blogs” where they do nothing but talk about movies. Those losers need to get girlfriends.
on Jul 03 2008 @ 10:12 am 14. James said …
This is my first time posting on this website, so I better make it a good one.
However, from reading the other comments, it’s easy for me to get very intimidated by the sheer intellect and passion of not only the contributors, but the ordinary patrons as well. For the past few days, I’ve been listening, browsing around, and taking in the atmosphere. Now, I have finally decided that this site will be my resource for films.
Sad to say, that this article was one of the reasons that I want to stay here.
I hope you feel proud of yourselves.
Aloha,
James
on Jul 03 2008 @ 11:04 am 15. Luke Harrington said …
Well thanks, James…I have to say I’m flattered. I agonized over this piece for days, trying to get at what was really the essence of Citizen Kane (turns out that it was an old dude dying…hmmm).
Seriously though, welcome. We’re still young here, and still building an audience, so it’s always fantastic to get a compliment as nice as that one ^. Feel free to leave your thoughts anytime.
on Jul 03 2008 @ 11:07 am 16. Evan Derrick said …
James, you are more than welcome my friend. I cannot tell you how honored I am that you think MZ would be a good place to get your film fix. At the expense of sounding totally lame and schmaltzy, people like you are the reason we began this site - to connect with people online, build a community of folks interested and passionate about film, and hopefully learn as much from them as they might learn from us.
And to be honest, we really don’t know what we’re talking about…we just read IMDB all day and make a bunch of stuff up.
No need to be intimidated, James. Your opinions will always be welcome. And remember, if you don’t think you have anything interesting to say, just make a monkey joke. We love monkey jokes. 
on Jul 03 2008 @ 12:20 pm 17. Ivette said …
This review really makes me sad… You really didn’t like this film? Ya sure it’s B&W, but then again I hope you didn’t miss the part that said it was made in 1941.
BTW, how the hell did your friend come around to finding this?
on Jul 03 2008 @ 12:44 pm 18. James said …
@ Ivette:
I think you might be missing the point of the article… This piece is what you would call, “satire.”
Correct me if I’m wrong, but the article is written from the point of view of a teenage movie-goer who has never heard of Citizen Kane, but is wrangled into seeing it anyway.
Sad to say, I know a few people like this, and I thankfully cannot claim them as friends.
But perhaps that could’ve been understood a bit earlier if the following statement had been a bit more prominent:
“Note: This was written for the Bizarro Blogathon at Lazy Eye Theater.”
Just one fellow’s opinion.
Aloha,
James
on Jul 03 2008 @ 6:11 pm 19. Luke Harrington said …
I thought about making it more prominent (there were even banners I could have used), but I kind of wanted to see if anyone would take me seriously.
Heh…though the idea of someone that writes for a movie blog, and has never heard of Citizen Kane (or even black and white) is a pretty absurd one, though.
So, sorry if I offended you Ivette…and be sure to come back.
on Jul 14 2008 @ 2:16 am 20. Flickchart - Finding the Best Movies » Coffee and Celluloid said …
[…] Yes, AFI tried to answer that question. But Citizen Cane? Really? It was his stupid sled. […]
on Oct 09 2008 @ 8:12 am 21. someonewhounderstandsgoodmovies said …
omg are you serious?
Citizen Kane is the probably the best movie of all time
omg why are you all such morons?
My entire skins started to vomit after reading some of your review
I had to stop in order for myself to survive
I hate you and your family and anyones that even been in contact with you. Which probably includes me now but its worth it.
on Oct 09 2008 @ 8:20 am 22. Evan Derrick said …
Best. Comment. Ever. This one makes my day.
P.S. This review is what we call “sarcasm,” although I imagine you’ll never return here to read this response. That’s OK. I can live with that.
on Oct 09 2008 @ 8:38 am 23. Nick Plowman said …
“My entire skins started to vomit” what does that even mean?!
on Oct 09 2008 @ 8:49 am 24. Evan Derrick said …
I don’t know, but its pretty funny. My favorite part is that they now hate Luke and “anyones that even been in contact with you.” Ah the internet, what wonders you breed in your deep, dark depths.
on Oct 09 2008 @ 8:54 am 25. G said …
Nick, if you don’t know what it’s like for your entire skins to start to vomit, no one can explain it to you.
This is a pretty awesome comment. I approve. (especially the fact that they acknowledge that their hatred is so great that they now hate themselves.)
on Oct 09 2008 @ 11:56 am 26. Sam Juliano said …
I also think Evan, that was a great comment! And as to that ass “Flick Chart” what can you really expect from someone who spells Orson Welles’ influential masterpiece—”CITZEN CANE”
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!
What next:
Begone With the Wind?
The Six Commandments?
2003: A Space Odyssey?
No Country For Old Women?
on Oct 09 2008 @ 3:17 pm 27. G said …
Bunny and Clide
The Magnificent Andersons
Ben Her
Pulp Friction
Franny Hall
Hi, Noon!
The Man Who Was There
Meet John Deere
on Oct 09 2008 @ 4:19 pm 28. Sam Juliano said …
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!
“G” those are great!!!!!
on Oct 09 2008 @ 4:34 pm 29. Sam Juliano said …
Also, now that we’re on the subject of how CITIZEN KANE sucks so much, I would like to tell you how horrible the following are as well:
Shakespeare’s HAMLET
Beethoven’s NINTH SYMPHONY
Mozart’s REQUIEM
Renoir’s RULES OF THE GAME
Van Gogh’s STARRY NIGHT
Hugo’s LES MISERABLES
Michaelangelo’s THE LAST SUPPER
Da Vinci’s MONA LISA
Bergman’s WILD STRAWBERRIES
Williams’ A STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE
Bresson’s AU HASARD BALTHEZAR
Tchaikovsky’s PATHETIQUE SYMPHONY #6
I immediately commission my good friend Luke Harrington to immediately write s cagthing appraisals of these artistic abominations. The world has been in the dark for far too long.
on Oct 09 2008 @ 4:44 pm 30. Evan Derrick said …
Why stop with “Hamlet”, Sam? Why not just get rid of all of Shakespeare?
Overrated hack.
Personally I’m waiting on Apocalypse Then and Slighty Disgruntled Bull.
on Oct 09 2008 @ 4:57 pm 31. G said …
Evan, are you implying that Shakespeare wrote Shakespeare’s plays? How naive. It was clearly Francis Bacon. Or, at the very least, the ghost of Roger Bacon.
on Oct 09 2008 @ 5:00 pm 32. G said …
Oh, and Sam: thanks for inventing this game. It’s fun. I hope some others play; I’m inclined not to count Evan’s entry, as only two movie titles just aren’t enough.
on Oct 09 2008 @ 5:26 pm 33. Evan Derrick said …
Well, fine then…
Not-so-nicefellas
A Clockwork Nectarine
The Seven and 3/8ths Seal
Some Like it Mildly Lukewarm
The 400 Pokes
Dances With Domesticated Shitzus
Singin in the Category 5 Hurricane
Aguirre: The Bored Indifference of God
Sextuple Indemnity
Are you happy now, G? Huh? Are ya? Do I have your permission to play the made-up game on my own site now?
on Oct 09 2008 @ 5:48 pm 34. Sam Juliano said …
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Touche Evan!!!!!!!!!
on Oct 09 2008 @ 5:49 pm 35. Sam Juliano said …
And G, I loved that Francis Bacon comment too!!!! LOL!!!
on Oct 09 2008 @ 9:51 pm 36. G said …
Mrs. Moviesetal and I collaborated on these. Shouldn’t Luke be playing too? What about Kristena?
Brunch at Tiffany’s
Hulu
Olivier!
The Wild Hunch
The Girth of a Nation
Run
Ed Would
Pattin’
Pleathers
The Mild One
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Whom?
Oceans 12…wait..Oceans 13…um…Dammit!
on Oct 10 2008 @ 1:48 pm 37. Evan Derrick said …
Well, it appears we’re the only ones playing. So, now that we need to declare a winner (you always have to have a winner) I declare myself the victor. Thank you all for playing, perhaps you’ll do better next time.
P.S. Pleathers was pretty awesome.
on Oct 10 2008 @ 7:19 pm 38. Joel said …
Heh, I know you’ve closed the entry window for the contest, but this is a great thread. Let me contribute:
Blood Facile
Raising Utah
Ben Stiller’s Crossing
Fairbanks
Yo Bro, Where You Be?
The Oversized Lewbowski
The Man Who Was Somewhere Else
Fairly Unpleasant Spitefulness
Not a Nation for Elderly Males
Lox, Salmon, and Two Burnt Bagels
12 Ticked-off Dudes
The Unnerving Quiet of the Sheep
A Lot Regarding Eve
The Pretty Impressive Escape
There Will Be Bread
The Day the Earth Refused to Move
The Pleasant Odor of Success
on Oct 10 2008 @ 8:35 pm 39. G said …
We have another entrant! Evan, I deny you your victory. Right now I don’t have any new ideas, but I’ll be back.
There Will Be Bread: genius
on Oct 10 2008 @ 9:54 pm 40. Evan Derrick said …
Foiled! Fine, but I shall return when my brain isn’t addled and sleep deprived.
on Oct 11 2008 @ 10:44 am 41. G said …
Away from Ur
Knocked Down
Falling Up
White Squaw
Hassle in the Sky
The Preposition
Apocalypse Dow (for those following the news)
Scotland, PE
Mission: Improbable
Do the White Thing (ooh…that one’s maybe a touch beyond the pale)
Coffee, Cigarettes, and Crystal Meth
Malcolm Ten
Tropic Dunder-Mifflin
Ok, I think my well might have run dry (yesterday, that is). We need some new blood here: Joel, tell your friends!
on Oct 11 2008 @ 10:54 am 42. Sam Juliano said …
LOL!!!!!
Both Joel and G have oudone themselves with these further entries, which blow all the earlier ones out of the water!
on Oct 11 2008 @ 11:59 am 43. Joel said …
I can’t decide whether I like The Preposition or Apocalypse Dow better. Nice job.
Sam, you’re being far too kind. ALL the entries are pretty entertaining.
A couple more:
A Touch of Elvis
Yarn of the Dead
The Last Temptation of Mice
Of Christ and Men
The Man Who Knew Quite a Bit
Dial P for Pizza
The Notably Impressive Seven
on Oct 12 2008 @ 10:26 am 44. Sam Juliano said …
I like OF CHRIST AND MEN and DIAL P FOR PIZZA the best…..LOL!!!!!
on Oct 13 2008 @ 8:46 am 45. G said …
Well, I’m all out of ideas. I think it’s time to declare a loser.
Luke Harrington, for never playing the game with us even though he authored this hilarious piece, is the loser.
Evan: anyone you wish to declare the winner is fine by me, as long as we agree on who came in last.
on Oct 13 2008 @ 9:48 am 46. Evan Derrick said …
Hey! I’m not finished!
Beauty and the Cosmetically Challenged Guy
Austin Powers in Aluminummember
Last Electric Slide in Paris
The Llamawhisperer
Lawrence of Jersey
Mr. Smith Goes to Washington Heights
In Search of a Midnight Sloppy Seconds
Man On Substantial Plank
Uncomfortably Chilly Mountain
Lord of the Livestrong Bracelets
Easily-Dented-Copper Man
I reject your “I’m all out of ideas” capitulation, G. My brain is agile and unstoppable!
on Oct 13 2008 @ 12:33 pm 47. G said …
I’m assuming that “Beauty and the Cosmetically Challenged Guy” is not a reference to Beauty and The Beast but rather “Beautician and the Beast.”
on Oct 20 2008 @ 3:15 am 48. f*@$ you said …
like, dude, like like like omg, like SHUT THE FUCK UP!
on Oct 20 2008 @ 7:31 am 49. Evan Derrick said …
Oh man, it’s the post that keeps on giving.
on Oct 20 2008 @ 1:35 pm 50. Luke Harrington said …
I guess it’s a compliment when so many people read it, think I’m serious, and get offended. I really like how this guy makes fun of my “valspeak” affectations, when he’s clearly so articulate himself.
Oh, and sorry I missed the party. Ya’ll caught me at a busy time. I guess I’ll suggest that Prince make a movie called “Lavender Sleet.”
on Oct 20 2008 @ 2:08 pm 51. G said …
The Bridge on the River of Chai.
There. I’m done, and I win. The end!
on Jan 05 2009 @ 7:47 pm 52. Like, OMG, I’m totally joking, okay!?, or: Why ‘Citizen Kane’ sucks « …yet made of stars said …
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