Sometimes an actor just needs to eat. Not every role can be Oscar bait and not every performance can be “bold,” “defining,” or even “passable.” We understand that at MovieZeal, we really do. However, sometimes it would have just been better to starve, as these misguided choices so painfully illustrate. Undoubtedly we’ve missed a few choice ones, so be sure to sound off in the comments.

10. Ben Kingsley in The Love Guru
1982: Ben Kingsley wins an Oscar for his portrayal of The Mahatma in Richard Attenborough’s Gandhi. Flash-forward 26 years to The Love Guru to witness Kingsley play a dirty-minded sex guru giving advice to a digitally young Mike Myers. Perhaps even more disturbing than merely seeing him on the screen is witnessing how much he actually gets into the part. You’d actually think Sir. Kingsley enjoys making a mockery of the culture he venerated in his Oscar winning role with infantile sex gags and fart noises. Ahh, but the Americans will laugh; perhaps that’s all that matters.

Paycheck, please.

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I enjoy these little talks we have. I pretend to be funny, you pretend to laugh, and we all pretend that Hollywood’s latest releases actually matter somehow. And I get to force my opinions on you, and then you get to argue with me. This is what memories are made of, friends. Promise me that nothing will change when we’re famous, and probably addicted to a lot of different drugs? I know, I know…just…promise. Please? *Sniff.*

Here’s my thought of the week: Don’t you think MovieZeal should have a mascot? Like, maybe a cartoon eel called the MoviezEal? That would be almost as awesome as…

WALL-E
Yep, the latest soon-to-be classic from Pixar Animation Studios. This time it’s an epic tale of a humble little robot who gets to travel to the farthest reaches of space. Y’know, it’s funny, but I feel like there’s nothing left to say about this one, and it hasn’t even reached theaters yet. It’s no exaggeration to say that expectations are astronomically high – as well they should be, after Finding Nemo, The Incredibles, Ratatouille, and yes, even Cars. If the trailers are any indication, this one is sure to be nothing short of incredible (it looks like a mash-up of a old Mickey Mouse cartoon and Star Wars). If I was slightly more impulsive, I probably would have bought a ticket for each of the first twelve showings already.

Recommended if you like awesomeness. Seriously, there’s no reason to miss this one, unless you’re a 13-year-old boy who’s afraid of being seen at a G-rated movie.

Wanted
…And if you are that 13-year-old boy, here’s your pick for the week: the latest comic book adaptation in a summer of no less than five comic book adaptations (at my count – am I forgetting any?). I haven’t read the comic book, and the trailer makes it look idiotic, and it has Angelina Jolie in it, so it could suck – but it’s getting good reviews (a solid 67% at Metacritic). What’s it about? Hard to say. It looks like a rip-off of all those rip-offs of The Matrix that clogged cineplexes around the turn of the century. I’m pretty sure, though, that if you’re into ridiculous action movies, this one will deliver the goods. Just don’t come crying to me if it turns out to be insanely stupid.

Recommended if you liked The Matrix, Sin City, and Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children, but wished they had Morgan Freeman and were a lot more generic.

There’s one aspect of Marc Forster’s Stranger than Fiction that I can’t help but love: the fact that if you criticize it, it criticizes you back. It’s not “critic proof” in the traditional sense—arthouse-type fare like this stands or falls on the reactions of critics (though Will Ferrell’s presence may have helped)—but it’s impossible to question any of it without becoming one of the cynical, life-hating schlubs that it rakes over the coals. And, to make things better, it comes off as completely harmless and innocent even as it does this.
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America, and like…1989, I think?
Directed By: Probably Steven Spielberg. He’s a director, right?
Written By: Not those guys who wrote the Pirates movies. So I don’t care.
Starring: Some dude who sounds like that mouse from Animaniacs
Running Time: Too friggin’ long.
Rated PG…for boring-ness.
(out of 57 rectangles)

Note: This was written for the Bizarro Blogathon at Lazy Eye Theater.

Okay, so I was just, like, hanging out, when this guy Evan says to me, “Why don’t we watch this movie?” and I’m all like “What movie is it?” and he says “It’s called Citizen Kane.” I say, “Citizen Kane? Is that one new? I’ve never heard of it.” And he’s all like “No, I think it’s been around a while now.”

“So it’s like, 80’s? Does it have Patrick Swayze in it?”

And he’s all like, “Patrick Swayze? Like in Dirty Dancing? That’s barely even a movie!” and I’m all like, “Whatever,” so he pops it in the DVD player, and it starts up.

OMG, it sucked.
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Things are finally looking up on the DVD front this week. You have two stellar options to choose from. Also in milestones, we have a review for every major release this week, which I think means that we have officially arrived as a film blog, as in pull-up-in-a-stretch-limo-to-the-glittery-red-carpet-with-paparazzi-chasing-you-all-Lindsey-Lohan-like arrived. Or something like that. Whatever. At least I think it’s cool.

In Bruges -
It was an extremely close call between my first and second picks this week, but I think In Bruges wins out by a smidgen of a hair. Martin McDonagh’s follow up to his blisteringly black short film Six Shooter is a bizarre hodgepodge of genres and tones and styles that defies clean categorization. It has midget jokes and fat people and hitmen and suicide attempts and Colin Farrel’s best performance to date and over-the-top violence and twisted comedic set pieces and…see what I mean? It’s not for everyone, but it is unique filmmaking.

Recommended if Quentin Tarantino doing Goodfellas with Grumpy Old Men set in National Lampoon’s European Vacation appeals to you.

Persepolis –
DVD pick number 2 for the week is a little animated film in French about an Iranian girl coming of age. After typing that sentence, I just realized how boring I made it sound, but trust me when I say it is one of the most original animated to films to come out in quite some time. With a deliciously charming black and white style, it is equal parts humorous and sad, and it is certainly worth your time.

Recommended if you liked The Triplets of Belleville, Renaissance, or Spirited Away

Charlie Bartlett -
“So, when I was in high school, I was like totally unpopular, ok? And then, like, I got all these perscription meds from my psyched out mom and was like, ‘Hey, I can sell these to kids at my school!’, and then I was like, awesome, and then I did it, and then I, like, became real popular and stuff and, it was like…sweeeeeeet. America rocks.”

Apart from its utterly amoral premise, this is supposed to be quite the witty little comedy, which is saying something since most comedies rely solely on genitalia for their laughs, or lack thereof.

Recommended if you liked Juno, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, or Fast Times at Ridgemont High

Hit the jump for the stragglers.
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This review was originally posted March 1st, 2008.

Martin McDonagh’s previous film, Six Shooter, for which he won the Academy Award for Best Live Action Short in 2007, was shown to me by a friend without any caveats attached, and McDonagh is a director that requires…no, necessitates caveats. His blend of black humor, violence, and human despair was not only off-putting, it was borderline offensive. Caught unawares, I was mortified.

I was more prepared for In Bruges (pronounced ‘broozsh’ – you know you’ve picked a bad title for your film when the critic has to tell people how to pronounce it).
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It seems every time you turn around, another graphic novel has been made into a movie. Which is great, because I love graphic novels, and I love movies, and I love the thought of bringing them together like some beautiful cosmic sandwich. It hasn’t been all peanut butter and jelly, though – too often, these attempts are marred with inconsistent vision, shallow storytelling, and the sheer inability to capture the tone and experience of the source material.
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This review was originally posted February 22nd, 2008.

High school comedies usually fall into one of two categories. Either they take themselves seriously and attempt to really capture the feel of high school (like Mean Girls, or—Oscar plug!—Juno); or they throw realism completely to the wind and simply appeal to the base fantasies of teenagers (American Pie, or Ferris Bueller’s Day Off). Charlie Bartlett is the rare film that manages to run the gamut between these two—and it succeeds with flying colors. It’s borrowed a fair amount of its material from earlier teen pictures, but watching it really is an experience unto itself.
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This review was originally posted February 16th, 2008.

Nickelodeon Movies, since its inception, has pulled off a handful of fairly decent literary adaptations. Harriet the Spy managed to be watchable despite the presence of Rosie O’Donnell; A Series of Unfortunate Events rode to success on brilliant visual direction and excellent usage of Jim Carrey’s underrated acting chops; Charlotte’s Web was reportedly pretty good as well. Unfortunately, they were due for a miss. The Spiderwick Chronicles is not only a bore to sit through, it’s also, I’m sorry to say, probably not the sort of thing you want to take your kids to see (or at least your youngest ones).
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This is an epic article, one that I have been working and retooling for months. I’m splitting it into two parts because reading half of it in one sitting will be daunting enough. Most of the length can be attributed to the selections from other critics that I’ve included. As such, I hope it serves more as an introduction to the work of many a great critic some of you may have overlooked or never heard of, rather than a personal ego trip expounding My Important Opinions. The selections I’ve included, if nothing else, are worth the time and effort it will take to make it through this article. Expect the second half later this week or early the next.

Since beginning MovieZeal, I’ve thought a lot about what makes a good film critic. There are no books or how-to dummy guides out there on the subject, perhaps because there is an intangible, subjective element to film criticism that is difficult to pin down. Ignorant film watchers will resort to the tired judgment of “A critic is someone who couldn’t cut it as a filmmaker,” but they miss the forest for the big fat tree staring them in the face. There is much more to it, and film criticism over the past century has become an art in its own right. This article contains my humble thoughts, in no particular order, on how one might get better at it.

I fully expect a few of these to generate some debate, and while I’m not new to serious filmwatching, I am rather young in terms of written film criticism. In other words, I’m not claiming to have it all figured out. I’m also excluding some points that I think are obvious. For example, if you’re neither passionate about film nor consistent in your cinematic intake (multiple films per week), then you’re likely to prove a poor critic, no matter how many of the pointers below you take to heart.

Some of my suggestions are specifically practical, some are more subjective, and many of them overlap one another to varying degrees. In addition, I’ve included excerpts from reviews and critics that I think illustrate the point at hand, as well as provided links to the full review or where to purchase the book I found them in. Please note that while I’ve drawn exclusively from English speaking critics, I’m not saying that there aren’t vibrant, influential film critics elsewhere in the world, just that it’s difficult to find translations of their work.
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In 1969, Mike McGrady of Newsday magazine was frustrated with the state of American fiction. He was convinced that anything could become a bestseller, regardless of how awful it was, if it had enough explicit sex. In order to prove his point, he assembled a crew of twenty-four Newsday writers, and instructed them to write the worst book imaginable, but fill it with lots of pornographic descriptions. They tackled this job by each writing a single chapter—sometimes rewriting their chapters several times, to ensure that they were all wholly awful and mismatched—and then publishing their book, Naked Came the Stranger, under the pseudonym Penelope Ashe. Of course it became a bestseller.

Once the hoax was revealed, the book was appreciated for its novelty value as much as its numerous detailed orgies, and it remains on library shelves to this day. The question remains, though: Can a single story with multiple authors get by on its own merits, regardless of its novelty?
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So…this week, we get an epic, a comedy, and an epic comedy. Or something like that.

Mongol
Nominated for the 2007 Best Foreign Language Film Academy Award, this Kazakhstani epic is the first part of a planned trilogy depicting the life of Ghengis Khan. Here’s the kicker, though: it was made for less than $20 million, and it came out looking this good. I’m not exaggerating at all when I say this film looks mind-blowingly awesome and I need to see it right now.

Recommended if you liked 300 or Alexander, but wished they weren’t so…um…stupid

Get Smart
“I learned something today, kid. It ain’t comedy that’s in my blood; it’s selling out.”
…Besides being a quote from Krusty the Klown on The Simpsons, it may as well be the mantra for Mel Brooks, who’s failed to come up with a new idea since 1987’s Spaceballs (unless you want to count 1993’s Robin Hood: Men in Tights, which was basically a remake of his 1975 TV series When Things Were Rotten). Around the turn of the century, he realized he needed more money and began milking his previously-established properties for all they were worth. First we got Broadway musicals based on The Prouducers and Young Frankenstein (and a new film version of the former); now we get a movie based on his TV series Get Smart; and later this year, you can expect – I swear – Spaceballs: The Animated Series. Hopefully, we’ll be spared Life Stinks: The Hip-Hopera, but I’m not betting on it. On the bright side, this new spy comedy looks genuinely funny and has an awesome cast that includes Steve Carrell, Anne Hathaway, Dwayne Johnson and Alan Arkin. If it’s half as funny as the TV series, it can count on earning my $10.

Recommended if you like movies that couldn’t possibly suck

The Love Guru
Oh…so Mike Myers is a Hindu love guru who has to fix the marriage of a Toronto Maple Leaf? And Jessica Alba plays his love interest? And Justin Timberlake is…um…there? And I’m supposed to care about this…why?

Recommended if you’re infantile enough to think the tagline ( “His karma is huge!”) is actually funny

From David Fincher, the director of Fight Club, Seven, and Zodiac, comes an epic fantasy/romance based on a short story by F. Scott Fitzgerald? Yes, you heard it right. This November, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button starring Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett will grace cinemas. The Fitzgerald story about a backwards-aging man has been adapted by Eric Roth who penned the screenplay for Forrest Gump. Production has been wrapped for a while now, but rumor has it that post-production has been extremely tough because Pitt’s face needs to be aged and affixed to his character’s numerous age changes.

I don’t normally read screenplays before I see a film, but I’ve read the first draft for this and it was fantastic. I can’t wait to see what Fincher has in store this November. This may just be the best film of 2008.

Check out the trailer in beautiful HD over at Quicktime!

So I’m learning that in the summer the DVD industry goes through the same dead zone that the box office goes through during the first 3 months of the year. If I had brought my impressive brain skills to bear I could have figured that out quite a while ago (B.O. Burial Ground + 4 Months = DVD Burial Ground), but my grey matter has been busy, you know, solving world peace and whatnot. Things looks up briefly next week with In Bruges and Persepolis, but until then you’re stuck with Matthew McConougheyhey (or however you spell his name) and Martin Lawrence. Joys.

Be Kind Rewind -
Ok, so it’s not all bad. Jack Black and Mos Def in a Michel Gondry film? In any other universe it would be pure bliss, but in our plain-jane Milky Way it’s an average affair that never quite lives up to its stellar promise. Which is sad because I idolize Gondry. If you haven’t seen it, you need to immediately go out and purchase his music video collection from PALM. I have it sitting next to me on my desk and I watch it incessantly. As a filmmaker myself, I can honestly say that no other working director has influenced my style as much as Gondry has. His gift for cinematic illusion is unparalleled and I still can’t figure out how he created a few of his videos, even after having watched them dozens of times. Oh, yeah, the film in question. Black plays a magnetized video store clerk that inadvertently erases every tape in the store, forcing him and his co-clerk Def to reenact classic works (such as Ghostbusters and Driving Miss Daisy) by themselves. Hijinks ensue.

Recommended if you worship the ground Michel Gondry walks on. If you don’t, you should. Immediately. As in now. As in stop drooling on your keyboard and get his music video collection.

Caramel
This is my #2 pick for the week, simply because of the generous critical reception it received. A Lebanese female ensemble comedy about a beauty parlor doesn’t exactly hit me smack dab in the demographic, if you know what I mean, but I’m nothing if not open-minded. For those of you going through *cough* Sex and the City *cough* withdrawals this might do the trick, but I wouldn’t know anything about that. Nothing. At. All.

Recommended if you liked Steel Magnolias, wished Sex and the City had been more ethnic, or have an unhealthy obsession with candied apples.

Hit the jump for more of these here movie thingamajigs.
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This review was originally published February 8th, 2008.

Okay, let’s get this out of the way. Is Fool’s Gold essentially a rip-off of Romancing the Stone? Yeah, more or less. Does it have vaguely racist and homophobic undertones? You bet. Is it still an irresistible guilty pleasure? Yeah.
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This review was originally published March 3rd, 2008.

Michel Gondry’s been alternating back and forth for a while now between heady arthouse fare and more commercial projects. He initially broke into the mainstream with the well-respected thinker Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind; then he turned around a directed a lightweight documentary entitled Dave Chappelle’s Block Party (which was about exactly what you’re probably thinking it was about). He followed this one with the independent French-produced film The Science of Sleep, which made the usual film festival rounds before getting picked up for a limited release by Warner Independent Pictures. For his next project, he’s chosen to direct a screwball comedy starring two musicians-turned-actors. I guess you can’t accuse him of being afraid to try new things.
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A-boogedy-boogedy-boogedy!!! Welcome to Friday the 13th, all. For your consideration, I present you with the three most terrifying films Hollywood could dig up: 1) a monster movie; 2) a movie about a bunch of people…disappearing…to…somewhere; and 3) a scarily bad comedy. Proceed at your own risk…

The Incredible Hulk
HULK MAD. HULK MAKE BAD MOVIE. HULK SMAAAAASH BAD MOVIE. HULK START OVER. HULK MAKE SEQUEL THAT IGNORE PREVIOUS INSTALLMENT. HULK REPLACE REPRESSED FREUDIAN DRAMA WITH AWESOME SPECIAL EFFECTS. HULK SELL LOTS OF LICENSED MERCHANDISE TO CHILDREN UNDER THIRTEEN, DESPITE FILM’S “PG-13″ RATING. HULK MAKE STAN LEE RICH AND HAPPY.

Recommended if you like unnecessary sequels and reboots. Which, given recent box office numbers, apparently describes everyone…

The Happening
You will not see marketing more desperate than this. After the debacles that were The Village and (especially) Lady in the Water, 20th Century Fox is taking no risks with M. Night Shyamalan’s latest project (aside from financing it in the first place – but I digress). This one is “From the director of The Sixth Sense and Signs!” – not those other two, mind you – and the ads proudly trumpet the “R” rating, as if that somehow proves it won’t be childishly self-indulgent like his last couple of films. (Fun quote from the MPAA’s rating website: “…if you are 18 or over, or if you have no children, the rating system has no meaning for you. Ratings are meant for parents, no one else.” Hmmm…) So, what does it all mean? Well, nothing really. Either Shyamalan has been able to learn from his mistakes, or Fox has been unable to learn from the mistakes of others (namely Disney and Warner Bros.). The plot, apparently, is about a bunch of people disappearing, so you can bet that M. Night still thinks he’s God’s gift to suspense – and you can bet on a Big Twist that’s not really all that surprising. Still, if it sounds interesting to you, it might be worth checking out. It does feature “Marky” Mark Wahlberg, who never fails to impress me, even when he’s in terrible movies. So there is that. Meh…proceed with caution.

Recommended if you still haven’t given up on ol’ M. Night.

The Promotion
The New York Post raves: “The Promotion makes Employee of the Month look like David Mamet! No stars!” Seriously, though, critical reception has been extremely mixed on this one, and I know next to nothing about it. I can tell you that it’s an indie comedy directed by Steven Conrad (The Pursuit of Happyness) and released by The Weinstein Company that stars John C. Reilly and Seann William Scott as two supermarket employees fighting each other tooth and nail for a managerial position. I can tell you that that sounds really funny to me. I can tell you that it’s probably not. I can also tell you that the only reason I mentioned this one is because I’m sick of only having one or two big, dumb blockbusters to write about every week. IS SUMMER FRICKIN’ OVER YET?!? I’m sorry. That was uncalled for. I just get…so…so flustered sometimes.

Recommended if you liked Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story; Oh, God!; or What Happens in Vegas

If you’re a fan of silent horror flicks, odds are you’ve already seen F. W. Murnau’s Nosferatu. And if you’re not, odds are you don’t want to. Those who think they dislike horror movies because they grew up with Freddy and Jason, however, are advised to check it out and see how moody and beautiful horror can be. Nosferatu almost entirely lacks overt violence, instead using dramatic light and shadow (in addition to some impressive—but admittedly a little dated—special effects) to convey its terror. The result is, as the original German subtitle suggests, “A Symphony of Horror.”
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Yet another week with not much to recommend. Doing these posts week after week I’ve come to truly realize how little quality product Hollywood puts out. Right, right, that’s like saying the I just realized the pope wears a big white hat, but having to comb through the releases each week brings that truth into stark relief. Also, there is a theme this week, mainly because I’m bored.

The Grand
Ok, Jumper was my top pick of the week until I just saw the trailer for this one. It’s a mockumentary (ugh…I have to find another word to use) about a high stakes poker tournament that stars Woody Harrelson, David Cross, Jason Alexander, and Werner Herzog. Yes, that Werner Herzog, the irascible German director who directed Aguirre, the Wrath of God, Fitzcarraldo, and The Enigma of Kaspar Hauser (and a whole bunch of other films, including the recent Rescue Dawn), three movies that you a) probably haven’t seen, b) should go out and watch immediately, and c) will probably hate with ever fiber of your being. I typically hate fussy auteurs (I’m looking at you, David Lynch), but for some reason I adore all of Herzog’s work. The trailer actually wasn’t that funny, but I will gladly watch it just to see Herzog talk about killing bunnies.

Recommended if you liked Best in Show, Waiting for Guffman, or if you (like me) have an inexplicable Werner Herzog fetish.

Jumper
My (former) top pick for the week, although that isn’t saying much. As many of you may now realize, my guilty pleasure is the FX laden action flick, and I will dip into that pool repeatedly no matter how many turds I come up with. This one probably falls somewhere in the middle. Anakin Skywalker magically flits from New York skyscrapers to the Sphinx to wherever the heck he wants, while the irascible Mace Windu hunts him down with a shiny stick thingy. Mmmmm, sounds like an evening of intelligent highbrow entertainment, no? Director Doug Liman did do the first Bourne flick, so it can’t be all that bad. And if nothing else, watching Sam Jackson yell at stuff is always worth a good two hours.

Recommended if you’ve always felt that Night Crawler got gypped for not getting his own spin-off franchise.

Hit the jump for more stunning DVD masterpieces.
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Hey kids! This week we keep chugging along with those big, dumb summer movies. This week’s aren’t as big as some , but they probably win the prize for the dumbest. Actually, come to think of it, I’m pretty sure that these are both pretty much the same movie…

You Don’t Mess with the Zohan
This one is just like every other Adam Sandler movie you’ve seen, except he plays an Israeli-counter-terrorist-turned-hairdresser, instead of a hockey-player-turned-golf-player, a waterboy-turned-football-player, or a rich-boy-turned-elementary-school-student. Basically, he has to save the world, win the girl, and score middle-aged chicks. I caught an early showing of this one, and while I admit that it doesn’t suck as much as I feared, it still sucks too much for me to actually recommend it. Expect my full review sometime tomorrow.

Recommended if you liked Semi-Pro, Anger Management, or Dodge Ball

Kung Fu Panda
This one is just like every other CG Dreamworks Animation film you’ve seen, except it stars a panda-turned-Kung-Fu-artist instead of an loser-ant-turned-stud, a ugly-ogre-turned-prince, or a bee-turned-activist. Basically, he has to save the world, win the girl, and sell a lot of licensed merchandise. I can’t vouch for the quality of this one, but it stars the voice of Jack Black, so it can’t be all bad. Maybe.

Recommended if you’re still not sick of that “Silence is Golden” promo they’ve been playing at AMC theaters since, like, a year ago