A bunch of releases this week you’ve never heard of, but that is why I tirelessly scavenge the dark corners of IMDB, to inform and enlighten. Why, without me, you might have inadvertently rented The Hottie and the Nottie, permanently damaging your retinas in the process. There are some things that can’t be unseen and, unsurprisingly, almost all of them involve Paris Hilton.

Bella
For all the conservatives who bemoan Hollywood’s lack of family values, there have been a surprising number of pro-life leaning films in the past few years. While Waitress, Knocked Up, and Juno were not explicitly anti-abortion, they all featured characters who chose to keep their babies. Bella, though not a Hollywood vehicle, continues that trend with a simple, touching story that takes place over the course of a single day. A cook and a waitress connect when one of them discovers something they’re unprepared for, although I probably shouldn’t waste my time attempting to be spoiler free (hint hint, SHE’S PREGNANT!). Well received critically, it is more of an art house creature than the aforementioned crowd pleasers, but still worth a look.

Recommended if you liked Waitress, of if you wished Juno had been less funny (there may be one of you out there)

P.S. I Love You
Based on a best selling novel (aren’t they all?), this romantic comedy attempts to buck the trend by having one of its characters dead the entire time, and not in the “oh-death-is-so-romantic” Ghost vein. Hilary Swank is the woman who’s lost her husband to a terrible illness, but who discovers life again when she starts receiving notes and videos from him posthumously. King Leonidas, I mean Gerard Butler, plays the dead husband, who closes every letter with “P.S. I Love You.” If the woman in your life forces you to watch this, entertain yourself by shouting the title of the film with the same inflection as “THIS…..IS……SPARTA!” every time someone says it on screen. Go on, try it now. See how much fun that is?

Recommended if you liked The Lakehouse or Just Like Heaven

I’m Not There
The musical biopic is one of my least favorite genres, and watching Ray and Walk the Line felt a lot like mowing the lawn: I didn’t really want to do it, but I knew I should. So here comes one on Bob Dylan, with the clever twist being that 7 different actors play the beatnik who could, and one of them is Cate Blanchett! A woman! The cinematic gods are clearly shocked by the riskiness of it all. I apologize if my sarcasm drips, but I cannot muster a single ounce of enthusiasm for this film, no matter how many critical accolades it received. For the consummate Dylanite, however, consider it required viewing.

Recommended if you’re either a Dylan fan or liked Mishima: A Life in Four Chapters, and if you don’t know what that movie is, then you won’t like this one

The Hottie and the Nottie
This one has the distinction of currently holding the #4 spot on IMDB’s 100 worst films list. It proves, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Paris Hilton is nothing if not willing to stoop ever lower. Her next film will undoubtedly feature her eating pieces of moldy bark in exchange for candy. Which may or may not be an improvement. The one silver lining is that the film grossed a total of $27,696 dollars at the box office. Seeing as it opened in 111 theaters, those of you with mad math skillz will have already figured out that that equals a per theater average of $249, which may be the all time lowest record. It spent a grand total of 3 days at the multiplex, proving that American audiences are not nearly as stupid as I thought they were.

Recommended if you’ve already lit your head on fire and need something more painful to top it with

Teeth
This film could have, quite possibly, the nastiest premise of any movie, ever. Apparently it’s pulled off rather well, from what I can gather from the critical aura surrounding it, but that doesn’t make it any more appealing. What horrid things have to be done to you as a child and/or what do you have to be smoking to come up with this? I realize I’m beating around the bush here, but I’m not going to tell you what the film is about, simply because it involves me typing words on my blog that I’d prefer not to type. Then again, I’ve done nothing but intrigue you, so just google the sucker and find out for yourself.

Recommended if you liked Carrie, I Spit On Your Grave, or Idle Hands. Actually, if you’re still intrigued after you google it, then you’re a braver (or more demented) person than myself.

Helvetica
A documentary about a typography sounds as gut-wrenchingly exciting as watching the linoleum peel, but color me curious. The doc focuses on how the poster font for modernism, Helvetica, influences culture and our lives in subtle, nearly imperceptible ways. I can be an information junkie at times (Wikipedia, you are my crack), and advance word is that director Gary Hustwit has taken a subject that would rarely appeal beyond a specific, geekified niche, and has made it accessible, fascinating, and enlightening. That they are giving this one the Blu-Ray treatment right off the bat speaks volumes as well.

Recommended if you liked My Architect

The Business of Being Born
The passion project of Ricki Lake, that purveyor of all things in good taste (check out this triumph of journalistic excellence from her episode titled “I’m Proud To Be a Woman In the KKK”), The Business of Being Born is an opinionated doc (that sub-genre of documentaries that Michael Moore has pioneered) on birth in our country. You will be relieved that there are no gratuitous close-ups, and the general buzz is that this well made expose challenges a number of commonly held beliefs. Who would have thought the mastermind behind “My Sex Life Is Better Now That I’m Fat” had a legitimate project stewing around in that head of hers?

Recommended if you like Michael Moore and babies, but not necessarily in that order

The 2007 Academy Award Nominated Short Films
I’ve been to a number of short film festivals and never cease to be amazed at how crappy so many of them are. While the Oscar nominated shorts all have impeccable production values, they were not the revelation that I expected them to be. The one that I picked (the charming Tanghi Argentini, which you must see) to win for Live Action did not, but that is more indicative of Oscar’s politics than anything else. These can provide a nice diversion, but expect a fair amount of head scratching.

We reviewed both the Live Action and the Animated shorts back in February if you need a more detailed breakdown.

Recommended if you (duh) like short films.

First Sunday
Some choice comments from IMDB, because attempting to write anything original about this film saps my will to live. “Ice Cube’s character wants to prove to his son that he is not a loser and Tracy Morgan’s character wants to prove to the audience that he belongs in this movie.” “This movie has about as much comedy as Roots.” “I was going to list a bunch of movies that are funnier than First Sunday but after listing Schindler’s List, Citizen Kane, and March of the Penguins I got tired.”

Recommended if you run Guantanamo Bay and water boarding just isn’t cutting it in the interrogation room anymore.