Having shed itself of the drivel gathering dust on its shelves, Hollywood if finally coming out of its winter hibernation. The beast won’t fully awaken until May 2nd when Iron Man hits, but at least its not comatose.

Funny Games

Funny Games
I was in awe of Michael Haneke’s previous film, Caché, although I will be the first to admit that it will probably bore you to tears. It did have one of the most shocking and unexpected moments of violence I have ever witnessed on screen, though. Funny Games (which is a remake of a film by the same name he did in 1998), about a pair of aristocratic sociopaths terrorizing a family, is supposedly brutal, uncomfortable, and uncompromising. See at your own risk.

Recommended if you liked Hard Candy or Caché (I know there are 2 of you out there!)

Doomsday

Doomsday
Neil Marshall, B-movie director extraordinaire, returns with this horror/sci-fi mash-up extravaganza. I don’t entirely know what its about, but it has zombies and gladiatorial combat. ‘Nuff said.

Recommended if you liked Mad Max, The Running Man, 28 Weeks Later, or guilty pleasure B-movies

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Horton Hears a Who

Horton Hears a Who
Have these people even read a Dr. Seuss book before? How in the world do you ever think one of his works can support a 90 minute + runtime? Is Green Eggs and Ham next, starring Christopher Walken as the egg-phobic grouch and Freddy Highmore as Sam I Am? Ugh. At least Steve Carrell does one of the voices, although Jim Carrey does the other one, so they kind of cancel each other out.

Recommended if you liked The Cat in the Hat, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, or pimping classic children’s books out like a prostitutes

Never Back Down

Never Back Down
I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that this actually looks like it could be good. It might be an updated Karate Kid , or even a dumbed down Rocky for the teenie bopper set. Of course, it also might be a totally N UR FACE ACTION MOVIE, and I think we all know how we feel about spending money on that.

Recommended (maybe) if you liked The Karate Kid. Actually, maybe more accurately recommended if you liked Karate Kid Part 3

The Incredible Hulk

The Incredible Hulk
Hollywood’s last go at this franchise was one of the worst examples of faulty director choice I’ve ever seen (except, perhaps, John Woo for Windtalkers, but that’s another matter). Ang Lee is an amazing talent behind the camera, but whatever studio exec thought he was a good choice to helm a comic book film was smoking some bad crack that day. If the following trailer for the new reboot is any indication, Louis Leterrier (The Transporter franchise, Unleashed) was the right director for the job. In other changes, Edward Norton replaces Eric Bana, and I am all for the switch. Bana was always a little too rough and rugged to be Bruce Banner, but Norton is the perfect fit.

Feast on the new green giant here (in cruddy Flash as well as HD)

Personally, I’ve always felt that critics need to lay off Woody Allen a bit. It’s true that his career probably peaked sometime in the late 70’s or early 80’s, but you can’t constantly be churning out pure brilliance—it’s just not possible (even Handel is best remembered for rehashing himself). It’s probably also true that his themes haven’t evolved much over the last couple of decades, but nobody ever held that against Yasujiro Ozu. Call him self-indulgent if you will, but what else could you possibly expect from a cinematic tradition that came of age in the 1970s?

And even if his career has gone downhill somewhat, he still knows how to make a watchable film.
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Best Picture of the year hits the shelves (or queue) this week. Not to be missed. And if bleak pseudo-westerns about unstoppable evil aren’t your thing, there is plenty else to choose from.

No Country For Old Men – MovieZeal rating – 5 out of 5 stars
This year’s Best Picture winner (as well as Best Supporting Actor, Best Adapted Screenplay, and Best Director), and deservedly so. A powerful, relentless film. Javier Bardem is a living nightmare. The third act might take people unawares, as the Coens don’t quite deliver on what they seem to be promising, but regardless, this is a must see, friend-o.

Recommended if you liked Blood Simple, The Proposition, or Unforgiven

August Rush

August Rush – MovieZeal rating – 2 out of 5 stars
Heartwarming tale about a little boy with a gift for music and the parents who are trying to reconnect with him. Apparently the critics have hearts of stone, because they dumped all over this one. Feel good movie of the year or inept mess? Does it make you want to rent it more if you know Freddy Highmore (aka the new Haley Joel) stars in it?

Recommended if you liked Pay It Forward or Mr. Holland’s Opus

Hitman

Hitman
There are three things that are certain in this world: death, taxes, and that cinematic video game adaptations will always be rubbish. In the video game you assassinated people and hid their bodies in dumpsters. Here you want to assassinate yourself, just so you don’t have to watch anymore. Honestly, though, if you’ve got that blood & bullets itch blazing, this may scratch it slightly. Very slightly.

Recommended if you liked Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever, The Long Kiss Goodnight, or if you’re Uwe Boll

Dan In Real Life

Dan In Real Life – MovieZeal Rating – 3.5 out of 5 stars
A quiet, much slower paced comedy that survives on the everyman charm of Steve Carrell. This isn’t The Office, or even The 40 Year Old Virgin, so check your expectations at the door. Perhaps the most surprising thing here is that Dane Cook is in it, and he doesn’t suck.

Recommended if you liked Sleepless in Seattle, The Family Stone, or movies where comedians stretch themselves (as in Will Ferrell in Stranger Than Fiction)

More after the jump!
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August Rush is essentially a formulaic romantic comedy/melodrama with a prodigious orphan thrown in. As if someone was watching Serendipity (or something worse) and said, “This is good—but it just needs more Oliver Twist.” Well, whoever it was that said that was wrong on both counts, but apparently no one told them, and August Rush got made as a result. The film is, like its titular character, the bastard child of some unfortunate judgment calls made in the dark. It’s arguably less useful, though.
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Until now, Peter Hedges has been known for fairly offbeat fare. He wrote the screenplays for About a Boy and What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, and later on he wrote and directed the IFC-produced Pieces of April. Each of these, in their own way, seemed to revel in their own weirdness, happy to be gratifying to some and off-putting to the rest. This observation isn’t necessarily intended as praise—I like weird movies as much as the next critic, but being weird doesn’t necessarily make a film good. Still, you have to admire the artist who’s willing to try something new.

Enter Dan in Real Life, a very formulaic romantic comedy starring Steve Carell. This is a film that arguably tries nothing new at all, but then again, you could make the case that Hedges himself is trying something new here, as this is probably his first crowd-pleaser. In a sense, it’s a success, in that it’s able to take a slower, more ponderous approach than most commercial directors would to its plot (which—face it—we’ve all seen dozens of times before); but ultimately it’s nothing more than a fun and forgettable hour-and-a-half at the multiplex.
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As a young guy with a degree in film, I’m supposed to be up on French cinema. I’m supposed to have written at least a handful of papers about the brilliance of the French, and how they make those American dogs in Hollywood look like so much poo. Unfortunately, this isn’t the case, and save for a handful of Jean-Luc Goddard pictures I’ve enjoyed, I really don’t claim to be either an expert on or an aficionado of French film. So perhaps I’m somewhat ill-equipped to review Jean-Pierre Jeunet’s A Very Long Engagement. Perhaps I should just call it “A triumph!” simply by virtue of its being French.
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My friends and I participate in an Oscar pool every year and I pride myself on (often) having one of the larger percentages of correct guesses. In February of 2007 I thought I had the Best Foreign Film award in the bag. Pan’s Labyrinth was sweeping other categories such as cinematography and it was the easy favorite for best foreign. I was shocked – and a little miffed – when Germany’s The Lives of Others swooped in and stole the prize. I figured it was a case of Academy Awards arrogance run amuck, of which there are many each year (Gangs of New York nominated for best picture, anyone?), but after finally watching Germany’s official submission on DVD, I can confidently say that it would have been a travesty for The Lives of Others to have not taken home the golden statue.
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With 2004’s The Day After Tomorrow, and now with 10,000 B.C., Roland Emmerich seems determined to become the director equivalent of Dino de Laurentiis—in other words, a creator of stupid, preposterous schlock. He would be well-advised to check out last year’s de Laurentiis-produced The Last Legion, which managed to be twice the fun (and all the historical inaccuracy) for two-thirds the budget. To be honest, I’m not sure why producers keep giving Emmerich so much money, but when they do, he always seems to throw it in the wrong directions. 10,000 B.C. is, of course, no exception.
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As movie weekends go, this one is fairly generic. If you cherish your brain cells and/or your sanity, there is one of these that I would avoid. Seeing as I respect the intelligence of my readership, I’ll let you figure out which one it is.

10,000 B.C.

10,000 B.C.
Roland Emmerich, Hollywood architect of such critical darlings as Independence Day, Godzilla and The Day After Tomorrow returns with another effects bloated extravaganza, set in the year (surprise!) 10,000 B.C.. The trailers and TV spots for this one have had absolutely zero lines of spoken dialogue, leading me to believe the story is rubbish (just a hunch here). Combine that with no recognizable stars, and you have a film billing itself as one long computer generated wooly mammoth stampede. If you’re the kind of person who likes their eye candy sans story, then this might just be for you.

College Road Trip

College Road Trip
What is with the Martin Lawrence comedies? Did he become big again, or did I miss something? Here he takes his kid on a cross-country road trip to find just the right college, craziness ensues, blah blah blah. If you’re thinking about seeing this, I would instead recommend saving up for something more entertaining…like a colonoscopy.

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The Bank Job

The Bank Job
Jason Statham robs a bank. There. I’ve done my job. Those 5 words are all you need to know whether or not this film is for you.

This may seem slightly odd, but it was impossible for me to watch Sin City without thinking about BBC’s six-hour adaptation of Pride and Prejudice. Yeah, I know—it’s a bit of a leap from gang warfare and cannibalism to Victorian-era courtship (well—actually, now that I think about it, maybe not), but despite the obvious thematic difference, the adaptations are roughly the same, as far as I’m concerned.
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Here at MovieZeal we recognize the entertainment value of the Top Ten list, even as the film aficionados within us recoil at the sell-out mentality it takes to write one. Can the glory of film ever be reduced to a simple Top 10? In this case, yes, yes it can. Welcome to the inaugural MovieZeal Top Ten list. Peruse, make suggestions in the comments, tell us where we’re wrong, and bask in the wonder that is irresistibly craptacular film. We’ve included YouTube clips when possible, for your own personal edification.

10. Jingle All the Way
Okay. We admit it. The only actor worse than Arnold Schwarzenegger is probably Jake Lloyd, and this film has both of them. And yeah, the pacing’s all off, and the ending is just ridiculous and kind of stupid. But this film has something no other Christmas movie does: honesty. Isn’t everyone sick of Christmas movies like Elf and Dr. Seuss’s How the Grinch Stole Christmas that pretend to be all about family values and anti-consumerism, but really just exist to take away the paychecks of gullible, suburban parents? At least this one admits it: Christmas is a big, commercial sham, and you, the audience, just fell for it. Again.
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Watching Italian for Beginners, many thoughts ran through my head: Why is this camera so shaky? Where is the titles sequence? Why no music? This scene looks a bit under-lit. These thoughts could have served as a distraction, but I finished the film having enjoyed a charming and witty romantic comedy despite what I thought to be poor creative choices on the part of Lone Scherfig, the writer/director.
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With the exception of The Fly, David Cronenberg’s films have been practically unmarketable, too art-house for the gorehounds and too gory for the artsnobs. Videodrome, an early 80’s horror flick with a borderline direct-to-video budget, involves James Woods being devoured by his television and growing a second head. 1988’s Dead Ringers stars Jeremy Irons playing twin gynecologists who perform a reverse conjoined-twins-separation surgery. I’ll let your imagination run with that one.

That pattern changed in 2005 with A History of Violence, and his transition from little-known cult favorite to commercially viable visionary was furthered this year with Eastern Promises. Both films exhibit the patent Cronenberg style, but both are much more accessible than his earlier works.
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Gods and Generals couldn’t be described as a particularly successful picture, but it’s hard to fault it for ambition. A four-hour prequel to Ronald Maxwell’s previous (equally long) film Gettysburg, Gods and Generals tells the story of the first few years of the American Civil War, primarily from a Southern perspective. There’s no shortage of poetry here—actors break into flowery monologues at the drop of a hat, and Maxwell throws in metaphorical shots wherever possible; there is, however, a surprising shortage of exposition that makes the film hard to recommend to all but the most dedicated of history buffs.
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Hancock Teaser

Hancock
This trailer has been around for a few weeks, but I could not pass up the opportunity to share it on here with those of you who haven’t seen it (and for those of you who have, you should really watch it again). Peter Berg (The Kingdom, The Rundown) is one of my favorite working directors, and while he has never made anything earth shattering, his films never fail to entertain and delight me. This latest from him, which opens this summer, stars Will Smith as a…well, I don’t want to ruin the surprise for you. Just watch the trailer.

Watch the Trailer in HD! Do it!

And here is the YouTube version, if you must.

Only a few new releases this week. My suggestion would be Into the Wild, but you need to appreciate a drama that is relentlessly bleak to enjoy it (perhaps ‘enjoy’ is not the right word). Those of you looking for a happy time can figure out which release will meet that need.

Into the Wile

Into the Wild
Christopher McCandless graduated from Emory University at the top of his class, gave up all his possessions, donated his $24,000 in savings to charity, and hitchhiked into the Alaskan wilderness. Alone in a rundown van, he died of starvation (don’t worry, giving that away is like telling you the Titanic sinks). Sean Penn directs this true story based on Jon Krakauer’s book. Watch for the excellent Hal Holbrook, who was nominated for a Best Supporting statue this year (but lost, understandably, to Javier Bardem).

Awake

Awake
The critics murdered this one with all the gusto of a butcher attacking a slab of raw meat. Anakin Skywalker (poor Hayden… I think he’s doomed to be called that in every review of every movie he makes from here on out) goes under the knife, but for some reason the anesthesia isn’t working. Jessica Alba fills in as eye candy, but consider this a mystery thriller of the guilty-pleasure persuasion.

Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium

Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium
Dustin Hoffman channels his inner Willy Wonka, and Natalie Portman does…stuff. I truly have no clue what this film is about, although the title telegraphs a lot (hint hint, its for the under-10 set). However, I do know that Jason Bateman stars as someone called ‘Henry Weston, The Mutant,’ and any film that combines Michael Bluth and the Toxic Avenger is alright in my book.
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A fair amount of cynicism has been granted to the story of Joan of Arc as centuries have gone by. Some believe her to be a passionate servant of God, others contend that she was a mentally unstable young woman suffering from delusions of glory. Numerous film versions have been made about her; from melodramatic made-for-television films to expansive Hollywood productions. None of these have come close to matching the power of Carl Dreyer’s 1928 silent film The Passion of Joan of Arc; a profound emotional and religious experience that asks the viewer to shed their preconceptions of St. Joan and consider the bravery of her belief and sacrifice.
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